Regarding Dad…

[JRob]

Having been a father now for 5 years I've done a lot of reflecting on the meaning and impact of fatherhood.

Of course you naturally look hard at your own father during the process and I've managed to distill, to one sentence what I learned from my Dad. Not that this represents everything, the stuff he repeated to me a million times or the image he tried to reflect to the world but the main thing he "taught" by example. What I saw. Although I wish mine could be positive it is not…

"Someone else is always to blame…"

The realization of this helps me to avoid similar behavior.

That’s my one sentence, my dominant impression (if you will) of what I saw in my dad and how I acted on it.

What’s yours? How did it affect how you live your life?

[evlbstrd]

1. I saw very little of my dad.

When he was home, he was harsh. Alcoholic.
But he did own his own business for a while, and worked hard at it. He taught me to be honest and fair, even when he wasn't always that way. Maybe, like you, learning from the opposite example.

I'm trying to teach my own son how he needs to act in the world. It's very hard. Mainly because he's a teenager, predetermined to hate his father.

[JRob]

13. Even at 5 and 2 years old I try to avoid conflict or at least emotion

when dealing with problems...

It's tough.

[Floogeldy]

2. Have you spoken these words to your wife?

[JRob]

3. Are you serious!!! I'm not crazy!

Just kidding... She's up to speed on my quest to avoid the supposedly inevitability of becoming my father...

[Floogeldy]

5. I am sure that you are up to the task.

Your narrative and questions reflect the insight necessary to make wise decisions.

Congratulations.

B-)

[Droopy]

4. Tough question

I have two dads. One is my real dad and the other is my step-father who I call dad. My parents split when I was 8, but my mother who had custody remarried when I was 9.

This is going to sound horrible, but the lasting impression that I have of my real dad is one of violence and sorrow. Him and my mom would always argue and then one day when an argument escalated my dad hit my mom. It happened right in front of me. She immediately grabbed me and my sister and took off for my grandma'a place. That was the end of their marriage. My dad was genuinely sorry about what he had done and he cried a lot when he got to visit me and my sister. But nothing could make what he had done better. I love him but I have a very sorrowful impression of him.

I have a much more positive image of my step-father. Him and my mom are still married and will be until the day they die. The most valuable lesson I've learned from him is to treat others with respect and kindness, especially women.

[JRob]

6. Sad indeed... My father too was a beater and because of that I have...

real issues with men hitting women. My parents split when I was between 2 and 3 years old and although my mom remarried early on, it didn't last. She never went back to the well and after a five year custody battle she actually removed my sister and I from exposure to our father for 11 years.

My best friend of some 30-years (who had kids about 10 years before me) has served as an amazing example of how a father should be.

[Droopy]

7. Yes

I can't even stand to see a man get into an argument with a woman. I remember when one time my step-father and I were out shooting pool there was this guy who was gambling on games with another guy. The guy's wife was there and the dude was losing a lot of money. Him and his wife got into an argument because he wanted to keep playing and she wanted him to stop. Finally he said something really rude to her (I forget what it was) and continued to gamble. I wanted to kick his ass.

[JRob]

12. I actually got between a couple once...

It was pretty ugly, but I promise you that that guy never hit his wife in public again... or if he did he was definitely looking over his shoulder.

[roguevalley]

8. My dad was and is the bravest, nicest, best man I know. I am lucky

to have him. I hug all of you who can't say the same about yours.

[JRob]

10. Thanks... It is very sad.

My dad doesn't know his grandchildren, hasn't seen his 97 year old mother, brothers or own kid in years and as much of an asshole as I know him to be I still have a sadness for his loss...

Is that some sort of codependency?

Nah...

[cestpaspossible]

9. My dad taught me how to be an asshole.

Really, I take responsibility for my own character and actions but as you get older you can't help but see some of the ways you were formed. I was really quite a blow when I realized that I suffered from all the character flaws I hate in my Dad. But hopefully that realization helps me to mitigate them to some extent.

[JRob]

11. It's a daily thing in my life too. I am constantly asking myself if I'm...

acting a certain way for legitimate reasons or because of "learned" behavior.

[unsavedtrash]

14. my father left us when I was 6. When the rat bastard died, I did a cheer.

My sisters and I always celebrate my mom on Fathers Day. Including cards and gifts.

[JRob]

15. My sister and I too spent the majority of our childhood without...

our father and did not truly grasp the necessity until we were in our late teens, early twenties... Ultimately we came to respect our mother's decision to separate us from his influence and the sacrifices and hardships we endured because of it...

[bertha katzenengel]

16. "Your mother screwed all my best friends under my own roof."

Showed me what a coward my father is, what a worm who will do or say anything to show himself not responsible for his own failures.

Also gave me yet another thing to forgive him for.

Sorry... you asked. :hi:

[JRob]

20. No. Mine made claims like that too and for the same reasons...

Actually I feel better that my experience is not that unique...

I attempted to forgive and forget after my first son was born and in response received a 7-page letter outlining what a piece of shit I am along with every other member of his immediate family.

My dad is right, it's the rest of the world that fucked up.

[skygazer]

17. My father essentially abandoned me after the death of my mother

I was 14. He felt it was more important to go out chasing women than to be a father to me. His actions have left me with serious trust issues regarding men.

At 44, I can now get along with him but I don't really consider him a father. He lost that title a long time ago.

[JRob]

21. There are good guys out there...

I used to have similar problems regarding women, but realized that I needed to alter the way I approached the entire man/woman thing. Within a year I met my wife and ten years later we have 2 kids and a wonderful life.

[skygazer]

30. Oh, I realize that

I have passed beyond that and now have a wonderful relationship with a man I love and trust. But it took a lot of years of sabotaging relationships and having a large chip on my shoulder to reach that point. :hi:

[tk2kewl]

18. Unfortunately: "Life is a hassle."

:(

[Misunderestimator]

19. "Spare the rod, spoil the child"

Has turned into "spare the rod, or spoil the child" to me.

[JRob]

22. Yup! No corporal punishment here either...

It's odd though how many people (parents or not) tells us we need to beat our children...

I got beaten and it did nothing...

[jswordy]

23. "Life is not fair. You are owed nothing."

My FIL used to say it this way:

"Ain't nobody cares about you and me BUT you and me."

[lpbk2713]

24. "Someone else is always to blame..."

That sums up what distinguishes us from the repukers. Ever listen to the Limpuke show and try to follow all the verbal finger-pointing that goes on there? Seems like any time there is any blame to be cast it's anyone else's but theirs.

[JRob]

25. Very true... What's interesting is that in the mid 1970s...

My father literally took me down to assure that I was a registered Democrat and that I voted Carter. In the nineties he switched parties to run for local office in a rich S. Calif. community and had no problems with it... He won and was run out the next year because he alienated everyone in the community with his "tough guy" tactics. Of course they were all a bunch of idiots. In hind site he's alway been sort of Republicanish especially on eco issues, labor and as you pointed out his "blame someone else" posture...

[Left Is Write]

26. What I learned from my dad...

"Telling people you love them isn't enough. You have to show them."

My dad, to the best of my knowledge, has never uttered those words. But he taught that lesson nevertheless - in everything he does for us kids and for my mom and for his grandchildren, we know without a doubt how much we are loved.

[JRob]

28. That's great. I can only hope that I can achieve the same with my kids...

[Left Is Write]

29. I'll bet you will.

You are conscious of the legacy you'll leave for your children, and I think that will help your love for them come through in so many ways.

[redqueen]

27. "Look around, find what needs to be done, and do it."

That, or, "People may not believe what you say, but they will believe what you do."

He liked quotes a lot. :)

It has made me a more pragmatic person. All in all not too bad, considering...

[Guy Fawkes]

31. "Every dies..."

"So it's okay that I'm an abusive alcoholic asshole"

[tjdee]

32. My non-relationship with my dad fucked up my relationship with other males

So that's why I defend John Mayer and his stupid little ditty.

My dad was very not involved in my childhood. But now he tries to pretend he was, and talks as if we're so close--and I'm like, it must be nice to completely rewrite history!

For a long time I had no idea how to relate to men who showed me attention and affection. I think it cost me the love of my life, actually, although I had a lot to do with that obviously.

:(

[Bouncy Ball]

33. Which dad?

Birth dad: being nice and good is great, but don't let people run all over you.

Step dad: being nice and good is great, but don't let people run all over you.

(Can you tell my mom was attracted to a particular kind of guy?)