Top tips - The wrong thing to say in a hardware store......

[Pert_UK]

I'd purchased some nuts and matching bolts the other day, but it turned out that some swine had mixed up some of the sizes in the boxes, so one pair didn't fit together at all.

If this ever happens to you, try to avoid doing what I did in this situation.....

DON'T, under any circumstances, march up to one of the 16 year old boys working there and announce, in loud & angry tones, that one of your nuts is the wrong size......

I am such a massive twat. It took several minutes before either of us could speak again...

:-)

This is even better than the occasion my girlfriend, becoming over-excited by the range of quality fruit available in the supermarket, yelled "Ooooooo! NICE PLUMS!" across the store...

P.

[Book Lover]

1. I have one better...

A few friends and I were at a restaurant, and we all were drinking coffee. I picked up the creamer and, offering it to my friend, said, "Milk ya, Sarah?"

[Cat Atomic]

2. lol- I saw an elderly man wandering through Sears, demanding

a large vibrator. "Where are your vibrators??! I need for a vibrator!", he shouted. He wanted a massager... hehe.

[FloridaJudy]

3. Wrong thing to say *anywhere*!

I work in a family-planning clinic. I almost always have a couple of dozen condoms stashed in my purse, just in case a client or friend needs one.

One day at the grocery store, I pull out my check-book, and a pristine condom drops on to the counter. The clerk looks at me and does a double-take (respectably dowdy middle-aged woman - but that sure does look like a condom!).

I tried to explain "It's okay. I only use those for work".

I haven't been back to that grocery store since.

[Pert_UK]

4. ROFL!!! Still better than the time my friend opened his wallet...

to pay for groceries at the corner shop, and a big plastic bag full of weed came flying out and landed on the counter.......

Whoops!

I think he got away with it through being completely brazen and just picking it up and putting it back.

P.

[shamanstar]

5. airport security 5 years ago

scanned my sisters bag through the x ray machine. the guy saw something and asked to look in her bag. he opened it up and immediately dug his hand to the place where her leatherman was totally missing the bag of weed and pipe sitting on top of everything in her bag. good thing too bcz her boyfriend who was taking the flight had a ton of stuff that he shouldnt have had on him and we all wouldve been searched if the bag checker had actually been doing his job. *whew*

[commander bunnypants]

16. Great one

I keep alot stashed in my desk for the same reason.

DDQM

[WillParkinson]

6. Just be glad...

He didn't prove they were the right size.

[TreasonousBastard]

7. So, I'm meeting this customer...

who owns a sex shop in the Village. Leathers, dildos, cockrings, six inch heels size 12 and up, Ream Cream... the usual for the neighborhood.

Walk up to kid behind the counter and ask for the boss.

Without looking up he says:

"Oh, he's tied up in the back."

Cracked up like a giggling idjit. Hadda leave and come back the next day.

[Pert_UK]

23. Heh heh heh.....Remember this line from Bottom? (UK sitcom)

They go into a Sex Shop...

Adrian Edmundson: "Is this is sex shop?"
Owner: "Yes sir"
AE: "GREAT! I'll have 5 pounds worth!"
Owner (unamused): "Very funny sir. Nobody has ever used that line on me before."
AE: "Really? Would you like me to do it again?"
Owner: "No thank you sir, I'd rather have a pineapple violently inserted into my rectum."
AE: "You've been working here too long mate!".

Also in that episode:

Rik Mayall: "OH MY GOD! Don't tell me they're making tartan dildos now!"
Owner: "No sir, that's my thermos flask of tea".

ROFL!

P.

[OneBlueSky]

8. in a similar vein . . .

my family used to own a hardware store that did a lot of business with tradesmen, as well as the general public . . . each morning, the carpenters and plumbers and such would gather to pick up their day's supplies, and usually hang around for a cup of coffee . . . on one particular day, a lady from the neighborhood stopped in early . . . seems one of the nuts that held the wheels on her carriage had been lost . . . since it was made of brass, she inquired rather loudly of my father "Excuse me, do you have brass nuts?" . . . needless to say, the tradespeople got a great laugh out of that one, and didn't let dad forget if for weeks . . . :)

[ronatchig]

9. I want to thiank you folks

for forcing me toclean my monitor this am -coffee everywhere-ROFL

[scarlet_owl]

10. My husband works in a grocery store

and one day a lady and her teenage daughter came up to him and asked "Excuse me, where are your nuts?". My husband just looked at her for a while and he described the look of horror on the face of the daughter. He said the lady finally caught her mistake and looked embarrased.

[eyesroll]

11. I used to work at a day camp, and one day a little boy

came up to his counselor and said, "Wanna screw?"

Turns out he found a big, rusty screw on the playground and was turning it in. The counselor did all he could to keep from laughing.

[CO Liberal]

12. I've Got One

I used to live in Wharton, NJ - about 40 miles west of NYC on I-80. In and arond Wharton, there are portions of the old Morris Canal that are still in existence, and many people liked to hike along the towpath.

A woman I worked with (we'll call her "Mary") lived in the next town (Mine Hill), and she and her husband used to hike along the canal with their dogs. Their favorite spot was an area where beavers were building a structure in the old canal.

One morning at work, we were in the cafeteria on break and I was reading the local paper. It was a slow news day, so they ran a picture of one of the beavers that lived in the canal on the front page. Mary saw the picture and said in a very loud voice "Look everybody - there's a picture of my beaver on Page One of the paper!!!"

I've never seen a person's face turn so red in my life.......

:-)

[Whitacre D_WI]

13. Well, I work with a gentleman named Richard...

and I had spent the better part of an hour looking for him to help me out on a project. Eventually, nature called, and I spirited off to the men's room. Well, there he was!

I said, "so, this is where Dick's been hanging out."

I spent the better part of the next hour too uncomfortable to go ahead and get the assistance I needed from him.

[grannylib]

14. Major Foot in Mouth

I collect vintage hats, have done for years. There was an elderly woman at the church I used to attend who was also a hat collector. This woman also had a beautiful voice, and at women's group luncheons, etc, she would perform standards from past eras in US history and wear an appropriate hat for that era.
Well, one Sunday I wanted to tell her about a hat I had recently purchased at a local thrift store (large mushroom-shaped pink straw thing, with the original tag still on it, a la Minnie Pearl, and so ugly it was cute, if you know what I mean) and this is what I said to her (I'll call her Ann):
"Ann, I am so glad to see you! I bought a hat the other day at the thrift store, and it was so spectacularly ugly it made me think of you immediately."

I wanted the floor to open up and swallow me whole.
That did NOT come out the way I meant it to!
Fortunately, she understood what I DID mean and we both had a good laugh about it!

[geniph]

15. When I used to work for Boeing

in third-level network support, we did pretty much all our work over the phone, on speakerphones. We would usually direct the field techs through things like restarting routers, etc. So, one of the commonest inquiries we'd have of the tech on the other end, loudly (so they could hear us on the speakerphone), was: "Have you got it up yet?"

You should see the looks you get from passersby when you utter that phrase loudly to (apparently) no one.

[skypilot]

17. Years ago

...I'm standing in line in a store behind a woman and her daughter. The daughter is fingering through some boxes of hard candy on the counter when she suddenly blurts out, "Mom, I need something to suck." I literally laughed in her face before I could even think to stop myself. Mom paid for her purchases and left--very quickly.

[alwynsw]

18. All the way back to high school for this one

Band competition. A fellow saxophonist's (female) instrument had been stolen. We both played alto. I went visiting friends in other bands to see if I could borrow an instrument for her. No luck.

Trying to put the best face on things, she said, "We'll just have to get by with yours (sax). We can both play. You finger and I'll blow."

She has not lived that line down yet. Our 30th HS reunion is next yer.

[Speck Tater]

19. Years ago when I worked in a hobby shop,

A woman came in to buy some rolls of kite string for her husband, a regular customer who liked to build and fly those big fancy Japanese kites.

I casually remarked that there didn't seem to be enough wind that day to get a kite in the air. She replied, "Oh, my husband never has any trouble getting it up." When the other customers gave her a strange look she realized what she had said and left the store as quickly as she could, her face glowing bright red.

[Ouabache]

20. University Dormitory Cafeteria

The evening meal was sirloin beef tips.

As I was sitting down at a table with some friends, all guys, one of the best looking women in the dorm, a busty blonde walks by -obviously braless - in a tight sweater, precisely as my roommate exclaims, about the meal,

"Woh, Nice Beef Tips !"

Perfect timing even if he never meant it how we took it.
It was a bust-out laughing moment.
And he really was talking about the food, even though it was dorm food, because she had come from behind him and passed us right as he said that.

[Robb]

21. This past summer

Mrs. Robb was directing the Sound of Music at the community theater; they had this wonderfully brassy woman doing choreography.

Anyhow, all the kids were on stage, and the question one of them asked was whether they were supposed to walk or run to their spot in the scene, and whether the choreographer wanted her to run in front or in back of the action.

You can probably see this coming; the choreographer was walking towards the back of the house, away from the stage when the question was asked, and so she yelled:

"I like it better fast and in the rear!"

Everyone over ten fell over laughing. :)

[geniph]

22. A very nice woman where I work,

albeit one who is very religious and very shy, in a discussion about our respective cars and what kind of customizations we had on them, said, "Well, I always take my bra off for winter" (she meant the nose bra, of course).

The rest of us just kind of chuckled, but the poor lady was mortified when she realized what she'd said. She actually crossed her arms over her chest. I didn't look, I swear.