A Heads Up from Kef (sort of an apology too)

[Khephra]

sighhhhh.....

where to start?

Life had been in the shitter for me for the past 3 to 4 months. I'd say the problems started about 3 months into my job at Truthout.

sigh....

For those who don't know, I'm now the go-to guy when it comes to donations and phone calls from people who want to contact Truthout.

It is a WONDERFUL job. I love it and it is the best thing that's happened in my life in the last 10 years.

But it also makes it impossible to be here like I once was. I miss out on SOOOOO much these days.

Please, if you are an old-timer or a newbie, I'm not ignoring you, I'm just "narrowcasting".

About three months ago life started to hit the skids for me. I'm manic depressive (which is one reason I bless Truthout for helping me back into the work world), but I thought I was over being depressed.

HAH!

I went three years going sober...(I swore off drink the night Bush was selected (still am, so don't worry on that part)) and I crawled my way back up....

DU was here for me...

(crying now)

something changed....

I think it was when I first got involved with Primary Politics.

I'm a Deanie...still am.

I got involved in April of this year.....

And i want to tell you this:

Primary politics reminds me of High School.

I thought I left that shit behind me.

Now I'm not talking about the Deanies. I'm talking about EVERYONE involved with Primaries.

And the Iraq war hit me hard...I started to lose hope. I didn't have any hope until just about a month or so ago.

sigh...I'm not making this clear, I know....

(crying)

I've been snippy and pissy and I'm sorry.

(crying harder)

I really don't know what else to say...

I'm sorry for being a pain and not living up to what I can do. Will and others talked to me last night, and I think I've made it through this dark period of my life....

I don't know...but I think I have...

(crying again)....

so for anyone that I've been a bitch/bastard to these last 4 months, well, I'm seriously sorry. I went almost 3 years without having any "downtime" and it finally hit me HARD...like a brick on the head.

I love you all...

But I haven't loved myself for a few months and I wanted to die.

I'm through that tunnel now. Will hit me upside the head and so did a few others like Hippiechick, and I think...I hope...I'm back.


So be gentle...and if I lash out please understand life has not been easy for me lately.

Sigh....

I wish I could explain more but I don't think I need to.

With Love,
Kef

[MSchreader]

1. Check your DUMail, Kheph

n/t

[GOPisEvil]

2. I have nothing to say except...

:hug: You're a good man Mr. Kef.

You're a good man, and I can't spell. ;-)

[VelmaD]

3. Take good care of yourself.

:hug:

[ewagner]

4. Hey

Kep.........bitchy or no....I still enjoy your thoughts and insights. Hope to see more of them....

[realFedUp]

5. Hell....we've all been there

Think of yourself as a tall tree that needs
to get burned out every once in awhile so your pods expand
and seed the ground and woodpeckers can live in your ashes...

just read that somewhere this morning...:-)
we're just glad you give so much to DU. Thanks, rfu

[Khephra]

6. I'm not going to be able to resond to everyone who writes me

so let me say that I love you and thank you!

[BigMcLargehuge]

7. Hey Kef, we've all been there at one time or another

Hang tight, the primary season is coming to its denoument, and then we can all focus on the most import goal, ousting the idiot from 1600 Pennsylvania Ave.

If you ever need to talk about anything, feeling shitty or feeling good, or politics, or movies or anything. My IM username is on my profile.

I am here all the time.

I'm glad to hear you're through the current depression trough and moving upwards emotionally, and kicking the drink, that's great too! You have alot of friends here and alot to offer and we all recognize that, and you. Don't forget that you can ALWAYS turn to us when you need to lean on someone.

Hang tight, it's almost over.

[VelmaD]

8. What he said

and I bet that doesn't just go for him and me, but for a lot of other folks here on the board. We're all here all the time. It's one of the things I love best about this place - there are always people here willing to talk when you need it.

I'm glad you're doing better today. Gonna have to hug ya again though 'cause I just can't bear that you were crying when you posted. :hug: :-)

[Khephra]

9. I'm crying even more

because people like you are there for me. :loveya:

[VelmaD]

11. "I have a strict rule...

that no one is allowed to cry alone in my presence."

As a Southern woman I find there is no situation in life where there isn't a relavant quote from Steel Magnolias. :-)

You're gonna get me crying too and it'll ruin my ass-kicking reputation. :-)

[JitterbugPerfume]

10. Kef, you have been

a rock for DU Please do not beat up on yourself We love you

a ((hug)) from Jitterbug

[ZenLefty]

12. I hate the primaries too

During the primaries, I often distance myself from politics. To me, it's not about squabbling over our differences, but about unity. I think there are a lot of people who lose sight of that.

Take care, Kef. I still remember when you were a newbie, you know. ;-) Now you're one of the most respected DUers in our little community here. I could have guessed that would happen, simply judging by the first few post of yours that I read. Great personality, great humor, brilliant mind, and a good work ethic.

I haven't been on DU as much as I used to be able to also, and I miss it too. It sucks. But we got to do what we got to do. I'll always make a little time for this place, though, even if it's just once a week. Hope you do the same. :D

[charlie]

13. Sorry, Kef

You excel at many things, but being a bastard is not one of them. You can do your worst, but you're strictly amateur hour next to the towering giants in GD. :)

You're worrying too much about us.

You're a good man Kef, always were, always will be. Everybody here knows this. :hi:

[MuseRider]

14. I have missed you

during your time away, only "see" you now and then. Hang in there, I have always appreciated the work you have done here and your thoughts. We have all been less than kind at one time or another during this primary process, if life was not so bad for this country right now perhaps we would not be quite so snippy. It is the process, don't worry about it. I hope the tunnel is firmly in the distance for you. Sending good thoughts your way.

[SOteric]

15. Just

:hug:

[Crewleader]

16. Kef...we are hardest on ourselves

and we shouldn't be... we all have obstacles to juggle and I'm sorry it's been tough on YOU but You are tough and the tough get going and YOU are living proof of that my friend.

Yes, Friends make YOU stronger and YOU have many, and William Pitt took YOU under his arm from the start...that special friendship YOU have to admire fills these forums.

There's alot of compassion in YOU and YOU make a full circle with your love, determination and desire to make it better for all of us in this world with your endless efforts to do so,just like William Pitt who believes in YOU, I believe in YOU too.

Keep your dreams alive my friend,
it will happen and YOU made it so~!
So with every DOWN there's a UP...keeping reaching higher Kef! :loveya:

AND I LOVE YOU BIG TIME!!!:hug:

[WindRavenX]

17. We're here for you dude

If you need some love, don't be afraid to reach out to this wonderful community WHENEVER you need it :hi:
Best wishes Kheph...you're a stronger person than I am.

[proud patriot]

18. I'm crying too Khephra

The last few months have been real hard on me too.

I know what you mean about the Primaries being like high school.
I had to back off that a bit .
The war hit me hard and then the
election of Ahhhhhhhhhhnold was the camel that
broke the back of my strength .

For about 3 or 4 days I fought the depression ,
I managed to percievere and am smiling again
regaining my focuss .

I am here for you Kheph , Together we will make it through
these tough tough times .

[Ellen Forradalom]

19. Kef, I could've written that post word-for-word

Well, except for the working at Truthout part.

You are far from alone.

[Festivito]

20. Thank you Keph, for doing what you did when you could.

We all need a break, and you're not even breaking, you're still fighting only from a different place.

No apology needed for that.

Someday, if the battle is near enough won, and there are plenty of cookies and good tea, we could argue religion for the fun of it. I'd look forward to that.

Do take care and stand tall, we all need each other here.

[WillParkinson]

21. Dear Kef...

We're family. We hug you when you hurt. You hug us right back. That's what we do.

Here's your hug....<HUG>

[Lydia Leftcoast]

22. Don't worry, Kef

You're one of the people who make DU special, and I know all about depression and how it can mess up your whole outlook.

Thanks for explaining your situation, and I hope that things continue to look up.

[supernova]

23. Hugs for Khephra

:hug: :hug: :hug:

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

Kheph, we're here anytime you want to set a spell.

[thom1102]

24. BIIIIGGGG HUGGGG!!

:grouphug: :hug:

[Jeff in Cincinnati]

25. Primaries will be over soon...

...so just look ahead to how much fun we're all going to have whuppin' Shrub like a rented mule and sending Uncle Dick back to the undisclosed location from which he came!

We're all going to be all right in just over twelve months.

[DrGonzoLives]

26. You haven't been a bastard to me

And now I feel left out! :evilgrin:

sleep.....sleep.....sleep....sleep.....

[blm]

27. Families are like that.

It's actually healthy to have the back and forth. Much healthier than not expressing how you feel and letting others question your sincerity and roll over your best intentions. You do great work here and I appreciate your efforts even when I don't agree. I'm sure many do, even those you may not be aware of at this time. ;)

[Booberdawg]

28. Takes a lot of character to write what you just did

you have 100% support and encouragement from me. :hug:

Congrats on the 3 years too. :thumbsup:

[WilliamPitt]

29. Yeah, you better apologize, asshole

For filtering all eight billion of my editor emails, for fowarding only the important stuff, for doing all my research, for making sure I get paid. What a jerk you are.

:)

[KoKo]

30. A Big Hug to you, Keph. These aren't times when it's easy to keep an

even keel on this boat. In fact these are the worst times I remember. So, just hang in there, with the rest of us.

We have to separate these times from who we are inside. Not let "them" defeat us and corrupt our souls. That's what I tell myself when I get really down. :loveya:

[maxanne]

31. Kef

You are such a brave and honest man. You've always been one of my favorite voices here. You still are. Please don't ever feel the need to apologize for being human, okay?

We love you! :pals:

:hug: maxanne

[caledesi]

32. We LOVE you Khef and miss you. *sniff*