I've reached a parental milestone: My ex caught my son looking at porn

[Pale Blue Dot]

This morning when she got up, she walked out into the living room and my ten-year-old jumped a mile. He said he was playing games on the internet, but when she checked the history....

So it's time to have "the talk" with him, but I won't see him until tomorrow. Apparently he's guilt-ridden, and terrified that I'm going to yell at him. Which of course I'm not going to do; I know it's perfectly natural to be curious about stuff like that at his age. Heck, I'm still curious. :-)

Any advise on what to say/how to say it from you experienced parents?

[GOPisEvil]

1. Make sure you get those addresses.

For, uh, research...yeah, that's it.

[Pale Blue Dot]

4. Here's an actual guilt-ridden quote from my son:

Sobbing: "I'm the only one my age that's ever done this!"

:rofl:

[GOPisEvil]

6. Hahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!

:rofl:

Yeah, I was NEVER, EVER caught with a Hustler in my room. NEVER!

[Misunderestimator]

36. delete

wrong spot

[Pale Blue Dot]

40. Delete - it's her fault

:-)

[Misunderestimator]

43. LOL

:rofl:

(Will you be teaching your son to blame people that way? :P)

[Radio_Lady]

62. Parents: We are SEXUAL BEINGS because it feels good. Example:

My young granddaughter used to "stroke herself" using only the neck of a wooden rocking horse. She was about three or four years old when she did it. She said it felt good and wouldn't stop until they took the rocking horse away.

My young grandson "comforts himself" now by sucking on his lower lip while reaching into his shirt through the neckline and stroking one of his nipples. He started doing that at three or four and is now five years old. We call him "Napoleon" and he doesn't like it. He says it feels good and he likes to do it.

I remember shinnying up a flagpole many a time and sliding down for the "good feeling" -- I didn't even have a name for it. I was eight or nine years old. Riding a bicycle was sometimes quite exciting around that age because of the friction with the bicycle seat. I had a full blown orgasm when I was kissed on the lips by an older boy at around age 11.

I have enjoyed looking at pictures of handsome young men since I was a young woman and used to read "Playgirl" magazine. I'm sure if there had been an Internet then, I would have looked at erotic material throughout my life.

GET IT? Little children -- as well as all humans -- have millions of years of biological drives to experience as they grow up. Parents need to speak with their children from as young as possible about the "birds and the bees" -- and the HUMAN SEX DRIVE!

I'm glad I did this. I probably went to the other extreme because in the 1970s, I even encouraged protected sexual experiementation with my stepchildren in the comfort and care of their own home, behind their locked doors -- at home. Mainly, that was because my mother was not open or helpful with this, and my sexual experimentation was mostly in the backseats of cars, or in rented motels.

I am sure this would not be the choice of many either then or now, but it was what I did.

[matcom]

2. get him a stripper

err...uh... maybe not :D

[Pale Blue Dot]

10. Shamefully, one of the first questions I asked the wife was:

"Was it straight porn?"

It was.

[mcscajun]

15. Don't think you need to be ashamed of asking that question.

You needed to know how much you are going to have to deal with and how.

[Misunderestimator]

39. The only porn I saw as child was straight porn...

just sayin... :hi:

[Pale Blue Dot]

41. OH NO!!!!

LOL.

Actually, I'm a firm believer that it's all genetics anyway. I just wanted to know what I was dealing with. :hi:

And watch where you're posting next time, OK? :-)

[Misunderestimator]

42. LOL.... You're too quick for me...

I deleted the other within seconds of posting it.

(I probably would have asked the same question myself :))

[khashka]

59. Be ashamed , be very ashamed :)

"Staight porn" doesn't really answer the question, anyway. When I was ten I got caught with one of my Dad's Playboys - straight porn if there ever was any. But I had it because it reprinted Burt Reynold's Cosmo centerfold. So ya never know :)

You know what my fundie Baptist parents' response was? They got me a subscription to Penthouse! You might wanna think about that option :)

Khash.

[ayeshahaqqiqa]

3. Not a parent, but was a teacher....

A lot depends on the relationship you have with your son. If he feels he can ask you about anything, and you'll give him straight answers, then proceed by asking him if there's anything he wants to know about. Explain about how the body changes with maturity, and being interested in sex is something normal and natural, not "dirty". I assume the kid knows how babies are made; if not, this seems to be a good time to explain it to him. Stop when he appears to be uncomfortable, but make sure you leave the door open for further dicussion later.

[Pale Blue Dot]

9. Thanks. We have a very good relationship.

And since he told my ex this morning that "nobody told me about the birds and the bees yet, and I'm curious", I think it's time. Thanks.

[ayeshahaqqiqa]

14. I'm sure that's what he's looking for

You sound like a sane, caring father, so tell him like it is, as much as he's interested in right now. You will probably find it won't be all that much. Be prepared for several talks about it over the coming years.

[radwriter0555]

5. LAUGH at it...

seriously, what's the big deal?

[Pale Blue Dot]

11. It's just that, as a former 10-year-old boy,

Looking at that stuff can be very confusing, and that confusion can do some damage. I want to explain it to him in the right way.

[radwriter0555]

33. oh don't take it too seriously. it's just naked folks doing some pretty

wierd looking stuff.

He hasn't done anything wrong.. but I'm sure he was shocked by what he saw... I'm not sure I would even "sit down" and talk with him. In fact, you should tell him he HASN'T done anything wrong, but if he'd LIKE to talk to you about it sometime, he can.

Then perhaps at some point in a few days, bring it up very casually.

Explain to him there is an entire industry based on sex out there... and how sometimes it can be nasty looking, but that sex is supposed to be much nicer than all of that. Just tell him what's in your heart... but 10 is a bit too young to be getting really, really serious.

[Dirty Hippie]

7. When I caught my son I tried to explain

the difference between sex and making love and that he had better not expect the women in his life to act that way.

[Swede]

8. Tell him it's a natural curiosity,a part of everyone's life.

Nothing to be ashamed of.

[BlueJazz]

12. Get those Addresses of the Porn Sites.......

...and ...Ahhh...Email them to me. :)

[Pale Blue Dot]

13. Look, if you're having a problem finding porn on the internet,

then I think you might be beyond help. :-)

[ghostsofgiants]

19. You expect a 10 year old to have the good stuff?

I remember looking for porn when I was a kid...my resources weren't that great.

[Hugin]

22. It's a brave new world out there!

LOL!

Athough... After about 52 or maybe 53 sites. You've seen it *all*.
(or one *really good* site.)

Reminds me of a joke.

[Hugin]

21. And could ya CC me?

It's been awhile...

[wolfgirl]

16. What ever you do, don't

over react. You definitely need to have the "talk". We are sexual beings and curiosity is only natural, but that curiosity needs to be tempered somewhat via education, eduction, education. Be there to answer questions.

Be sure there are adequate filters on the internet so you can have a bit of control on what he can access and who can have access to him.

It's also a good time to start pointing out what is shown in TV shows/commercials, movies, etc. is mostly fictitious or would be inappropriate for the real world, etc. Engage your child in discussion of what he is seeing, hearing, reading so you can help keep him focused on the age-appropriate stuff. Don't be afraid to talk about consequences.

We never really censored our kids, but we tried to be continually aware and engage them in conversation about stuff. You'd be surprised how savvy kids are and when you're honest w/them, they will make the right choices. We were also very fortunate that the elementary school/middle school curriculum included wonderful health education (sex ed) courses.

[Hugin]

23. "who can have access to him." This post is *REQUIRED* reading.

Yeah, I'd be more worried about some other issues.

[Pale Blue Dot]

25. I won't over-react.

The last thing I want to do is make him feel worse for doing something completely natural.

Thanks for the great response!

[wolfgirl]

38. You'll do just fine...

Once we get over our own inhibitions, etc. and start the discussion, it isn't so bad. Answer what he asks...elaborate only if needed.

Our guys squirreled away a couple of 'girlie mags' about this age. When discovered , we didn't get crazy, although I was a bit taken aback at the moment. Dad sat 'em down and talked about what's real & what isn't, what's appropriate & what isn't. He also told 'em, if you have to hide something from us, maybe that should be their first clue that this is not something they are ready to deal with on their own. I don't know all the gritty details to his discussion w/them, but they didn't bring any more mags home .

Now as they approach 20, they've shown a lot of maturity about all this but I think it's because we listened without judgment and gave them enough education that they could make the right choices about their activities.

I'm a firm believer that you should talk to your children a lot but listen to them even more. Don't be judgmental, just be honest.

[Hugin]

17. Seriously...

Talk to him just as you've talked to us...

Be frank, honest and firm.

Tell him curiosity is understandable... Then tell him life is about
choices and respect.

A policy of openness is best. Ask him why he was afraid to ask you
if he was curious. Establish trust in bringing his feelings and questions to you.

He's sure to freak out when you're understanding. Also, mention that's
the type of thing a 10 yo doesn't need to spend their time doing.

Also, leave him with the feeling that if he reciprocates with
openness he's likely to be rewarded with respect also.

Then send him to his room 'till he's Thirty-five. Tell him if he keeps viewing Internet porn he's likely to turn out to be a bitter old man like Prag. Who lives in his mother's basement and doesn't know how to have an adult relationship. You might want to tell the ex that this scenario is likely to happen if she tries to shelter him from the world. That aughta confuse things!:sarcasm:

[Pale Blue Dot]

24. "Ask him why he was afraid to ask you if he was curious"

You know, that's probably the key question. Thanks!

[matcom]

18. he should be studying government

send him to www.whitehouse.com

;)

[Kerrytravelers]

26. Oh, matcom!

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
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:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

[immoderate]

20. Pornography is for kids!

I say that with tongue only partially in cheek.

I think it's a little strange for adults with normal relationships and sexual fulfillment to spend a lot of time with porn.

It's perfectly understandable that adolescents, with raging hormones, and no legitimate sexual outlets, would be obsessed by it. It can't hurt him.

--IMM

[Zuni]

27. you mean the "birds and the bees talk" or the "hardcore anal" talk?

[Pale Blue Dot]

28. "Dad, what's a DP?"

:rofl:

[Zuni]

29. I'll join you

:rofl:

[Hugin]

30. Hey, I had to ask about a phrase I'd heard thrown around here on DU.

Might add my questions were tastefully answered.

Heck, I thought I'd heard it all.

Now, I suppose I have.

[TrogL]

67. I'm embarrassed

;(

I had to google that.

Of course the scary part is I'm not embarassed to have "been there, done that".

Oh, well.

[LynneSin]

31. This talk will be the guideline for future talks

If you overeact and make him feel even worse then in the future it'll be even more difficult to talk to him about the other stuff.

My mother was a closed book but my dad would be cool about any questions I had about that stuff (of course there was no porn back then - mainly drinking & drugs). After he died when I was 14, my mother never talked to me about anything. Hell her only advice was "Don't take your pants off", this was of course, about 3 weeks too late.

If you're cool now then he'll listen when you talk about the other stuff

[Pale Blue Dot]

37. "of course there was no porn back then"...

:rofl: Lynne, you just didn't know where to look! :hi:

[Kerrytravelers]

32. Be up front with your kid and explain your reasoning every step of the way

As a teacher, I've noticed one thing about all kids, no matter age or where they are developmently and that is explaining to the kid exactly why you feel as you do.

Whenever I'm working with a child on their behaviors, I expalin why they're behavior won't be acceptable in the real world. I also praise kids when they are making good choices and let them know how this way of behaving will benefit them in the future.

So, if you don't want your son looking at porn on the Internet, tell him why. Explain your reasoning and then provide a place for him to go with his natural curosity, you and his mother, a trusted source outside the home (for example, an uncle), some age-appropriate reading materials.

My parents loaded me with age appropriate books that answered all my questions about being a girl. I am a lover of books, so this outlet worked for me. Also, my mother made it clear through my life I could ask or tell her anything and never fear getting in trouble from her. And she held her word. As a result, she knew everything and I always had a soft place to land.

I waould also look throught the Internet for some sites that are age appropriate, that don't have innapropriate links, that your son can also look to for answers since he is tech-savy. I have never looked for such sites, so I don't know what is out there. This might be a real stupid suggestion. But, if there are some, perhaps you might want to bookmark them for him and that gives him an outlet.

And lastly, I'd follw the advice from previous posters and explain that all women do not look like porn actresses and that porn sex usually isn't the best representation of what sex is really like (ok, not always and not for everyone anyway!)

In the end, unless your son is looking at porn 24/7, has pics of porn stars all over his room, suddenly has many hot looking girlfriends and a sudden interest in video equipment, if you ever catch him again, I wouldn't get too concerned, but I would continue to have a discussion about realities and fantsies and staying grounded in the real world.

I bet you're probably reading this entire thread, nodding your head, think "do that, check, I do that, check." Good. I hope we were able to validate what you already know and help you feel secure in what you're going to do next.

Let us know if everything goes all right!

kt

[koopie57]

34. the majority of my talk with my son

focused on the real girls in his life and how he should think about them and treat them. I explained to him that the girls he sees in the naughty sites and in the naughty books are fun to look at and there is nothing wrong with looking and daydreaming, but he needed to remember that the girls he comes in contact in real life are not like those girls. They are like his sister and imagine what she would do to you if you treated her if you thought of her like those girls in the naughty photos. I basically took the focus off the naughty picture girls and brought it over to how to treat women, and think about women in real life. And actually people in general. People are not for hurting.

[bettyellen]

35. woldn't he get the idea that sex hurts women?

and i love my brothers but i do manage to forget they exist sometimes. and i'm grateful for that.

[koopie57]

63. why would he get that idea?

how did you go from teaching respect for women to sex hurts them? I don't know, I just don't get your line of reasoning. Nonetheless I hardly think that is a concern, at least with my son. You would laugh at it too if you spend time in our home. And I suspect that innocent statement will be taken issue with *LOL*. I don't understand your reasoning but I do respect your concern.

[CRK7376]

44. We're dealing

with the same issues here too. Only it's the 16yo that is sufing the porn sites. We told him to stop, he denied going there and then we talked about the "history" section of the computer...then he realized his goose was cooked and fessed up...hahahaha, straight porn...

[burythehatchet]

45. DONT LOOK UNDER THE BED

[Pale Blue Dot]

46. He's a 10-year-old

If there's porn under his bed, I'll never find it.

[burythehatchet]

48. excellent

:thumbsup:

[newportdadde]

47. Scan your PC for virus and run Adaware, Spybot.

[iconoclastic cat]

52. Yeah, even non-porn sites can put porn adware on your computer.

Especially "humor" sites. There seems to be a lot of cross-traffic between humor and porn.

[LaurenG]

49. Talk to him like you're talking and giving your opinion to an equal

But with authority. Because you know all about this from experience.

It's normal to want to know but he's too young yet to understand whats really going on and or the implications. There is exploitation which isn't nice, the fact that most women will never look or act like that unless you pay them. You know all the reasons. My kids talk to me about all sorts of things now. When my son was 18 and had a steady girlfriend he told me that he really had the hots for another girl and he really wanted to "do" her. He asked me how he should handle this as he was feeling guilty about it. I told him that if that's what he really wanted to do and he had thought about the consequences to do what he thought he "had" to do. However he'd need to do one of two things first, either break up with his committed love or he could ask her permission that way he would have nothing to hide. He just stood there with his mouth open.


Just talk to him your way.

[WMliberal]

50. oh man, that reminds me...

:evilgrin: gotta quick hit ctrl+h

[ps1074]

51. Couple of points

1. Tell him porn sites can infect your computer with all kinds of viruses. And that if that happens he'll need to remove them all by himself. Or pay with his own money to have someone else do it.

2. I really think 10 years old is still too young to look at porn. If he was 15 or 16 I would give him several free site URLs where the good stuff is. There is no need to go to sites that can infect the computer or pay to get access.

[Left Is Write]

53. No advice from me. My son is only three; he's still fascinated

with his OWN parts! :D

[TrogL]

68. I'm 50

and I'm still fascinated with my parts.

I don't think it's anything you can 'get over it' with.

[saltpoint]

54. Hi, Finnfan. Maybe just tell your son that you loved him the day he

was born, all this time since, and for all the time yet to come. Not in context of your ex's discovery of the porn yesterday, but just in and of itself.

Remind him that in times to come, it may be useful for him to talk with you, and that he should feel free to say or ask what he wants and that you'll give him your best attention.

Then maybe say, "As for yesterday, if you had hurt one of your classmates without provocation, had been cruel to a neighbor's kid, or pointlessly wounded another with words or acts, then we would be having a tense discussion right now. Short of those things, the love remains. Let me know if and when you ever want to talk things over."

A trip to the ice cream shop afterward might be just the thing, too.

[bettyellen]

55. what's your ex's reaction.....

and what's your goal here? is she going to be upset unless he stops?

[Blue-Jay]

56. THERE'S PORN ON THE INTERNET!?!?!

WHY DIDN'T ANYBODY TELL ME?!?

[Scooter24]

57. If your son

is into sports, maybe you could arrange some time with him playing ball. Would be a great ice breaker, I know it did for me when my dad and I had "the talk."

You could say something like "So your mom tells me you are taking an interest in girls..." and go from there.

Best of luck, make sure to keep us updated :)

[SarahB]

58. My tales...

of woe parenting. My oldest son is a little younger than your son and we haven't had that yet. The "worst" probably being catching him google "girls gone wild", but it was stopped before he saw anything. Both of us strongly supervise computer usage with the kids (I don't want filters; I'm a grown up and should be able to see what I want, same with my ex).

My daughter is 13 and we did catch her having inappropriate IM messages with a boy from school. This was 2 months ago and she's still not allowed to go on IM. The computer, yes, but not IM for a few more months. I'm a firm believer in teaching "sex is normal" and answering all questions, but in the case there was direct interaction and 13 is just too darn young for that particular conversation. Period. I try to discuss with her very honestly on STD's, pregnancy, body image, drugs, emotional implications, you name it and I PRAY that it's going to be a number of years before much happens, but ultimately (as with all of us in our youth), it's going to end up being her choice and I want her to have knowledge. She tells me she feels lucky that she has a the kind of mom she can talk to. I'm still though her mom and not her friend, so for her own emotional well-being, I will set age-appropriate limitations. Her dad and I are on the same page in parenting which helps a lot.

A lot of people have already given great advice. I think the key is stressing that sex is normal, the human body is normal, but some things are just for grown-ups because there's both potential physical and emotional consequences and you need a bit more maturity to fully handle that. In the meantime, answer his questions about girls (and all questions) and be there for him as a source of support and love. Hopefully, your ex-wife will keep a good eye on him. It wouldn't bother me if my children saw simply a naked person (if he's curious, buy an anatomy book and explain stuff), but there's some pretty funky stuff on the net that children do not have the emotional capability of handling.

:)

[Pale Blue Dot]

65. IMs. I hadn't even thought of that.

:scared: That's where it starts to get dangerous, and I think it is entirely appropriate to put your foot down in that case.

I have no idea what my son saw, but my ex said "it left nothing to the imagination." And since he mentioned wanting to hear about the birds and the bess, I'm sure that's going to have to be part of the discussion.

I've already told him (over the phone) that I loved him and that I was not angry with him and he had nothing to be ashamed of. I guess the tighrope is trying to explain why he should stay away from that stuff right now without making him feel that he's wrong for wanting to see it.

Well, that and I don't want him to grow up. :cry:

:hi:

[fujiyama]

70. Regarding the IM

some IM programs allow you to keep a log of all messages made. I have trillian and it has this option.

[Sean Reynolds]

60. Just as long as it isn't hard-core porn.

You know like scat, golden showers, pedophilia, bestiality, etc. ;)

[likesmountains 52]

61. We had a lot of fun with this when my son was doing the same thing..

I heard from a friend that the boys were checking out porn on our home computer when they were about 12. So one evening at dinner I calmly told my son that I had found out he had been looking at "naked people" on the internet and that his curiosity was very normal...and then announced that in order to help him get comfortable with sexuality and naked people his dad and I were going to stop wearing clothes around the house...his reaction was priceless and the comment opened up a rational discussion of the issues involved.

[fujiyama]

69. Best. Response. Ever.

I don't think any kid would want their family to walk around naked.

[seemunkee]

64. Caught my son when I starting to type in www.hotbot

after I typed in hot it autofilled to hotteens. I put in a firewall with filters. he was pretty tech savvy and could figure out a way around it, but I made him jump through hoops to get to it.

[Pale Blue Dot]

66. Thanks to all of you for your responses.

I'll let you all know how the talk went tomorrow.