What would you have done differently? How would you react?-Relationship

[Champ]

Let me start off by saying she is someone that means ALOT to me, she has done things for me no other woman has and is willing to do almost anything for me. I can't get into every little detail as to how I feel about her(I also mean alot to her, she has more then proven her love for me) but I hope you get the general idea.

Before I get on with the scenario there have been a couple things I found out about that weren't huge but some things you didn't know about this person. I won't get into them because they weren't issues I felt should affect the relationship, but in my mind I was on the lookout as to what I might find out next.

Ok, here is what happened. I was at my girlfriend's house Sunday evening, she got off the phone with her mom and I heard her mentioning "Court" "If the lady says I need to be present let me know" so when she got off the phone I asked her(Not in a interrogative way) what she needed to go to court for(The court is in Illinois, we live in Arizona) she said for two reasons. Went into detail about how her ex-husband is trying to lower the child support she recieves from him as well as mentioning how much of a rat bastard he is. So I ask her about the other thing and she seemed kindof reluctant to tell me but she said I also have to get my "Divorce finalized" So out of surprise I ask her "Are you still married?" "I've been divorced to (ex-husband) for 2 years, I got married to (What I thought was her ex-boyfriend), but left him 6 months ago." So I ask "Why didn't you tell me?" She says "I felt it was non of your business, the relationship was meaningless" "The relationship was so meaningless you get married to they guy as well as getting his name tattoed on your right breast?" Then I asked what'd had happened? "He came home one day, he lied so I kicked him out." I then asked what he lied about she told me "He just lied" She didn't want to get into it and I respected that, felt no need to push it. I asked her again why she didn't tell me then she told me this, "Honestly, according to state of Illinois you have to be seperated for 6 months to get a divorce finalized (Later this month) and I forgot over the time(We've been together 2-3 months)" I found this hard to believe but knowingly she is very honest with me I asked her why she didn't tell me when she originally heard about it from her mom. She said it wasn't really my business and didn't concern me (My issue at the time was that if she couldn't feel like she could tell me about something like this, I was wondering if she would tell me about something much bigger, basically I got the impression she was picking and choosing what I felt like I needed to know. She was getting frustrated and angry at the time and instead of fully expressing the issue I was dealing with I summurized it into "How could I ever trust you again"(Meaning 'Will you tell me something that I feel like I need to know') She said "Forget it! Just leave." I became so overwhelmed I did and went for a 4 hour walk before returning home and giving her a call. It was a 45 minute phone conversation but basically I told her what the issue was and she told me 'She would tell me anything that would directly impact me'

As I was walking I was wondering if I reacted that right way? If I was too pushy? How anyone else would react? -Which is what I'm asking you.

I have never been this confused in my entire life about how I reacted, I should've reacted, how I feel, how I'm supposed to feel. (I'm not trying to be a unsensitive, a jerk, etc but I still want to do the right thing if you understand what I mean)

[free_spirit82]

1. You acted better than I would have...

I'm all for respecting one's privacy in a relationship...but still being legally married to another person is DEFINITELY something that is "need to know". I think you handled it very well....I wouldn't have been as understanding.

[Champ]

3. Believe me I felt the same way

On my walk I just basically tried to charactize what kind of person she is, I didn't feel threatened by it because it wasn't like she was running back to the other guy. She was in the process of getting the divorce finalized. I can usually tell what kind of person I'm dealing, she isn't a fake person and she has I felt been very honest with me. I just had to do ALOT of thinking before I felt like I can adequately discuss the issue.

[LastKnight]

2. dont feel bad, i woulda done the same thing,

i probably woulda been a bit more invasive about it, too... thats big stuff there.

but i cant help but play devil's advocate here... she got engaged and inked over that guy... chances are she fell in love with him and fell hard... and something betrayed her trust... something like being cheated on or something... and she didnt wanna say anything when you guys first started going out... and once she didnt say anything it would be kinda hard for her to outta nowhere go 'hey, im uh... married still'. im not saying its right, not by any means, im just saying it may have been an ultra-sensative area for her.

i woulda reacted worse than you did... so dont worry about it, youre well within your boundries here.

best of luck in whatever you decide to do in this situation... if you need some company im going through some relationship difficulties myself... feel free to pm me... ill give you my messanger contacts and email... we can talk or whatever. take care of yourself.

-LK

[Champ]

4. That is good point

I just feel (maybe wrong) that if you have something that is worth mentioning it is best to get it out there and discuss the issue in a way the other person understands (As long as your intentions are geniune) is alot more effective and shows you're open and can be trustworthy(Especially if they're being open about something of such magnitude) then hiding the issue and waiting til the other person is surprised by it then discussing it and what you're intentions.

What is you're AIM contact ID? I'm on it as well.

[LastKnight]

5. i suspect

(with absolutley no knowledge of the situation except that mentioned here) that she was afraid to tell you, for fear of losing you. women do alot of crazy things like that in the name of love. im still not condoning it... im just trying to put your mind at ease, and i dont think its working lol.

i dont really know what to tell you. except you reacted just how anyone would have. you took it pretty well if you ask me.

-LK

[Champ]

7. Believe me I considered that

We resolved the issue in the best way we knew how. I'm just confused about how I reacted wondering how any other person would react in the given situation. I just know if I was in her shoes, I'd tell her out of fear(Probaly not the 1st date but after getting to know each after awhile) that if I kept it hidden and she was later "surprised" by it she would leave wondering if she could trust me again.

[LastKnight]

6. check your PM for my chat stuff, btw.

[NuttyFluffers]

8. All heavy baggage must be checked in before boarding.

aka: children, crushing debts/bankrupcy, addictions (gambling, drug abuse, etc), jail time, STDs, major contracts (marraige falls in here), life threatening illnesses (diabetes, depression, cancer), dangerous 3rd party threats to safety and security (stalkers, psychotic ex lovers, mob ties), etc.

get the picture?

your life, your love, your RIGHT to be dealt with in an honest fashion. some things are too big to be "brushed aside" so casually. we all keep secrets, and some need their time and space to be revealed, but i'm a strong believer about checking in the heavy baggage before things get serious. otherwise you start to develop trust issues, which can spawn contempt -- which is a death knell for relationships.

you reacted far better than i. she reacted far worse than i would tolerate. if you can hang with this, go ahead.

[tjdee]

9. At what point do you deliver such news? Do you wear a sign?

I have a kid, and I often wonder at what point I'm supposed to disclose that. Like, "My name? Oh, it's tjdee and I have a kid." So far I've not met a guy I've had interest in without his knowing I have a kid already (which is lucky I guess?).

I'm obviously not going to hide my kid, though. Eh, maybe I should wear a sign. It'd be irritating to meet someone who seems interested until I drop the kid bomb. What a waste of everyone's time!

[eyesroll]

15. I'm dating a man with a daughter, but I knew he was a father

before we started dating.

I'd want to know on the first date otherwise -- think about it. On a first date, you generally discuss things important in your life. If a guy waited longer than that to tell me about a child, it would send a message that either the child wasn't important to him, or that he was hiding something.

And, as you say -- not everyone is going to be OK with a kid, and it's better that these things are discussed upfront. Same with still being married (which isn't a deal-breaker for me -- my BF is still married on paper -- but, again, I knew that before we started dating).

I suppose it's different with "other" baggage -- I don't necessarily need to know if you have diabetes or a bankruptcy or an arrest record right away. But I should know before we get too serious. I'd be super-pissed if I was marrying someone, and he said a week before the wedding, "oh, by the way, we'll never be able to do much because I have two bankruptcies and I'm back up to $100,000 in debt." Tell me about any current STDs before we sleep together, thanks; stalkers should be disclosed if we're spending significant time together.

[Patiod]

27. My S.O.'s sister has MS, and doesn't tell her boyfriends

We were going to Christmas dinner, and she called to remind me not to mention her MS since she hasn't told Jim yet - and they've been together for over a year.

It's not obvious, but it's bad enough she flunked a physical and lost a chance at a nursing job because of it (she found a comparable one where they didn't seem to care, in spite of the intensely physical nature of the work)

I'm thinking that falls in the "sooner" rather than "later" category.

[eyesroll]

30. Yeah, I think it's a "sooner" thing.

Not necessarily a first-date disclosure, but I'd prefer to know what I'm getting into before I'm into it. I woulnd't run away from someone because of a chronic illness or disability, but I'd rather know before there's any talk of long-term committment... because, well...if I'm committing to somebody, and there's a big issue that could affect both of our lives in profound ways going forward, I need to know.

Good luck to your sister and Jim.

[NuttyFluffers]

39. The lost art of casual dating...

i believe you hit upon a very important problem in modern dating. far too often people date "WITH AUTHORITY!" as if their entire emotional future depended on it. it's kinda sad really. it goes from "hello, i like your smile..." to "we are star crossed lovers, our baggage is incompatible, and you can't decide between buttery popcorn and eggshell for the nursery, you bastard!" waaaay. tooo. fast. what ever happened to having a fun time, enjoying someone's company and not having to whip out crib notes exchanging your entire life history.

you're absolutely right, in an indirect way. you shouldn't have to wear a sign, you shouldn't have to reveal your entire autobiography to every hot stranger you meet. dating can just be ... dating.

now, when things start to transition into "serious" -- a week or a month of exclusive dating (and i think, exclusive is the magic word here) -- then the heavy baggage needs to come out. some issues are too important for even this, such as STDs, so this baggage might have to come out earlier. but for the most part, all the heavy stuff needs to be laid out pretty early in the development of a "serious" relationship. it'll only get worse if people wait.

kinda two separate issues, but they have a strong overlap in creating relationship problems. so, no, you don't need to wear a scarlet pacifier.

[GalleryGod]

19. I love that title!

Thanks! Consider it quickly appropriated !
:woohoo:

[BlondieK143]

10. If you don't have trust in a relationship - you don't have one.

In my opinion anyway. By her telling you that she would tell you things that directly impacted you, yet she failed to mention something that DOES proves you're not in an even relationship here. I'm really not even sure how she constitutes that as NOT affecting you. You're the one that knows whether the good outweighs the bad with her. If you think she's worth forgiving and you want to work things out - do so on your own terms. If she can't be on your terms, it's probably time to move on.

You're not an unsensitive jerk and you have every right to be upset.

[Champ]

38. First she has to admit she is wrong - which isn't easy

She is very slick, sneaky person when it comes to arguments. She must have experience for being in marriages and relationships. Early on there have been times where I was left feeling like I should've won a certain argument and couldn't understand how I lost. I started picking up on things she did by being aware of EVERYTHING being said. She always finds a way to change the subject, dodge an issue, or somehow throw a curve and early on I was left confused about what the original issue was what were arguing about now and I ended up loosing. I have to do my very best to keep focus on a certain issue and even when I feel like I countered every point she had to make she would start being irrelevant. I got her to admit she was wrong once when I didn't cave into a certain issue for 1-2 weeks, stood my ground whenever the issue arrised. She is very stubborn and one thing I won't say to her is I think she thinks she is smarter then she really is. Basically I trust her meaning she won't cheat, steal, etc from me but I don't trust her arguments and tactics, I made a mistake of doing that at first.

[tjdee]

11. I would wonder what else she's not telling you....

Which may be unfair, because that's assuming you should know every little thing about her. Which may not be realistic.

But I despise lying/lies of omission for the reason you said, it's like, that person decides what you need to know. I don't like that.

On the other hand, she was probably not sure how to bring it up--"Honey, do you want to order takeout? Plus, I'm legally still married to my exboyfriend. Do you want pepperoni?" and since the relationship is over, it's over...so why bring up the technicality?

In my very humble/don't know either of you opinion, it sounds like something that needed to be an argument, and hopefully you guys have resolved this and can move on.

[baldguy]

12. If her relationship with her HUSBAND is "meaningless"

What does she think of her relationship with you?

[BooScout]

13. I wouldn't have been as nice as you.

As far as I am concerned she lied to you ( by omission ). A relationship is foremost about trust and love. If you don't have one of them then you don't have the relationship. It was very much your business since you are one half of the relationship and for her to blow you off with that answer shows a lack of respect for you. Whether or not you manage to work thru this is up to you. If it was me, I would be thinking long and hard about whether I wanted to continue with the relationship ( hard thoughts if you're in love I know).

[GalleryGod]

20. Little Lies of Omission are the most heinous

Gordon Gecko:"Exit Visas are imminent !"

[NashVegas]

14. You Have Every Right to Be Upset ..

But the crux is, can she be okay with you being upset? Can she (and you) see that you being upset doesn't necessarily make her an asshole?

[JanMichael]

16. You know, sometimes life just fires warning shots

this is yours.

Get the hell out.

[bicentennial_baby]

17. Exactly!

Run. Go. Now.

[bicentennial_baby]

18. Drop her like a hot potato! Run!

Seriously, go! This is a big, ol' sign, telling you to run! If she's going to hide something this early on, it's only going to get worse. Her reaction to your concern is a telling indicator...she's a manipulator. Hell, she dumped the last guy in a heartbeat, next time you'll be that chump. Run, Forrest, Run!

[Blue-Jay]

21. Run. Seriously. Get the hell out.

You'll thank me later. This one's NOT a keeper.

[the_spectator]

32. I second that -

for so many reasons. Here are just two:

1) She tattoos names of boyfriends on her BREASTS.
2) She uses "impact" as a VERB.

LOW CLASS!!!

[Champ]

35. I shouldn't be laughing

but that was funny.

[Shell Beau]

22. You were more

understanding than most. When you are in a relationship like that, I feel it is important to share things (like being married). Because if it impacts one, it impacts both. And still being married is something you have every right to know. Think about what you would tell a friend to do if in a similar situation and that is what you probably need to do. Love blinds us from what is reasonable and we tend to make excuses for the other. Only you know what is right to do for you. Good luck figuring out what you need to do! I hope it works out for you.

[Avalux]

23. Mind if I ask for more info?

You said you've been together 2-3 months....that's not a long time. Had you discussed the seriousness of the relationship, exclusivity, future plans, etc? I'm thinking maybe you were more serious at this point than she was. If she wasn't to the point of being completely committed to you, then withholding information on her part is understandable.

However, if you had discussed a future together, she should have told you everything.

[AlGore-08.com]

24. I agree with the others that say - - run away screaming from this person

You say that she'll do almost anything for you - - except tell you her marital status. Or think her marital status "directly impacts" you.

And you think you're the insensitive jerk?

She says her current marriage is a "meaningless" relationship, yet she's in a child support fight with her soon to be ex? Is this ex the father of her child/children? If he is... can that ever be "meaningless"? It won't be to the child/children. How old are her kids, anyway? If she's fighting over child support, they're under 18.

If he's not the father, exactly how many "meaningless" spouses has she had? Why did she dump the others?

If he's not the father, who is? Was she married to the father of her children? Why not - - was she married to somebody else at the time?

If she's been involved multiple "meaningless" marriages, that's even more reason to run away from this woman as fast as you can. And if she was having affairs during any of her "meaningless" marriages, don't even stop to grab your toothbrush before you go. Dollars to donuts you are the next "meaningless" speed bump in this woman's life.

[radwriter0555]

25. No. You weren't pushy. You have a right to know the details of a person's

life when you're intimately involved with them. She should be open and forthcoming. Apparently she's ashamed of her behavior or else she wouldn't be so secretive.

That being said, this is a relationship to approach cautiously, if at all.

People who are together shouldn't have secrets like this. She should be able to trust you, and you her.

[barb162]

26. she obviously feels not very much is your business, like her marital

status, so I think you would be wise to cool it with her. You are not confused at all and your gut reaction on all this is very good. You got a really good reality check and are having a hard time dealing with it.

[Onlooker]

28. She wasn't honest with you, and you're hurt

You acted very reasonably. If she had told you a long time, "I'm in the final stages of a divorce, but I'd rather not talk about it," that's one thing. Instead, she kept this secret from you. Marriage involves love and intimacy, and even when marriage is over, at least a residue of the feelings might remain. You handled it very well, and it's still her responsibility to be honest with you. After all, how can you know what will directly impact you if you don't know about her life and the way she handles situations?

[Champ]

31. This is really good advice

I obviously still have alot of thinking to do.

[kick-ass-bob]

29. That's so nice of her to decide what directly impacts you.

:sarcasm:

Being married to someone else WOULD directly impact me. So she is getting to decide what is important to tell you -- which never turns out well.

I wouldn't ever trust her again.

[amazona]

33. run for your life

This woman is a loser, a manipulator, and a pathological liar. Be glad you found out before you became the next ex-husband.

[MrSlayer]

34. If I were you I'd be out of there fast.

I wonder what else isn't any of "your business". Run, don't walk, the hell away from this.

[RPM]

36. agreed

full disclosure is the standard; she fell well short.

Leave Now.

[newportdadde]

37. Get out now. Next thing you know she will 'forget' not tell you

she decided to stop taking the pill because it wasn't 'need to know'.

Get OUT.

[Pobeka]

40. Do you want someone to intentionally harm you?

I can't read minds, but something to consider -- it is possible that she doesn't want to drag you through her own personal hell from the past, because she really believes the situation itself won't impact you, but the knowledge of it will make you sad.

If what I say is true, it's possible she may be making a mistake, but I'll take someone who wants to protect me over someone who would intentionally hurt me.

Again, I have no clue, but another thing to ponder...

[Champ]

41. I know this isn't the scenario

I know she has been genuine, she says he don't care, she don't care. It was a sercret planned spur of the moment decision. It was a simple breakup "meaning" the relationship was meaningless. It's a ticky-tack thing she has to go through for finalizing the divorce. She would've got one 6 months ago if she could according to the law but didn't want to feel like she couldn't have other relationships after the breakup. Based on this it wasn't a big deal and she has a million things to focus on (Work, school, moving, bills, etc) she forgot about it. She swears she was recently reminded, she says in fact her mother found out when she got the court thingy in the mail. Plus the man lives 4,000 miles away and she has no idea where he's, who he's with, or anything. Those are her words and I atleast think it's fair to express her opinion about this while you all give you your's. I atleast tried to commuticate to her about all this and was her usual self, she is the one who does treat me the best out of anyone I've been with so far. This woman has a LOT to offer. She is smart, motivated, and wonderful which made my feelings more confusing. I'm still going to be cautious but not in the way of invading privacy or being possessive. Still open for comments.