Reporting for duty in the 700 Club, guys.

[kimchi]

Well, at my normal rate it would take a month but I'm feeling chatty tonight. Ummm..am I supposed to talk like a prophet? Emulate Jesus? Make fun of fanatics?

Help me out here--I don't see a lot of 700 posts anymore--where's the sense of TRADITION, damn it? Are we offending a lurking Falwell or something? I want the scepter, crown of thorns, AND pulpit, thankyouverymuch.

[goobergunch]

1. You have to perform seven tasks.

Your first task is to go outside and sing The Old Rugged Cross. You don't have to sing the whole thing, any of the following verses will sufice, but you must do it now and you must sing it above a whisper. If you don't know the tune, you can always sing "Jesus Loves Me".

Here are the lyrics:

On a hill far away stood an old rugged cross,
The emblem of suffering and shame;
And I love that old cross where the dearest and best
For a world of lost sinners was slain.

Refrain
So I’ll cherish the old rugged cross,
Till my trophies at last I lay down;
I will cling to the old rugged cross,
And exchange it some day for a crown.

O that old rugged cross, so despised by the world,
Has a wondrous attraction for me;
For the dear Lamb of God left His glory above
To bear it to dark Calvary.

In that old rugged cross, stained with blood so divine,
A wondrous beauty I see,
For ’twas on that old cross Jesus suffered and died,
To pardon and sanctify me.

To the old rugged cross I will ever be true;
Its shame and reproach gladly bear;
Then He’ll call me some day to my home far away,
Where His glory forever I’ll share.

[kimchi]

3. Thats IT?

Yawn.

I could do that in my sleep-it was my Mom's favorite. Can't I wait until midnight and go to each neighbor's house and tell them I've seen the light?

[goobergunch]

4. We can make that the second task if you want....

Remember, there are seven in total.

:evilgrin:

[kimchi]

6. HEY, wait a minute, ya'll never said anything about seven!

Can the third one be a dip in the grotto? I've always wanted to go there, but I'm married. And when I hit the big 7 0 0 I will only want to berate them for their sinful ways.

[goobergunch]

8. The grotto is for when you get OUT of the 700 club!

The third task is to write a prayer to Pat Robertson. For instance you can ask him for a special favor. Four or five lines are sufficient. Please post it here when you are done.

For my source on this, please see http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_topic&forum=105&topic_id=201572. I've made some modifications.

[kimchi]

9. Can we get this overwith before 1?

Oh Great Robertson
help me to remember that only we have the right religion
help me to lift the needy up only in prayer, never with money-because it builds character.
Oh Great Pat, together we will smite the justices and the democrats.

[goobergunch]

11. The fourth task:

Recite this pledge:

1) I promise to be celebate for as long as I am a 700 club member

2) I will be loyal to all other 700 club members

3)I will preach the gospel of DU and try to bring members into the fold.

4)Everyday I will at least think about singing On Eagles Wings

5)I will wear or imagine wearing white leather shoes and matching belt

6)I will be pure in thought word and deed (okay, this is the 700 club, you just need to say it, not really do it)

7)When my time in the club is over I will relinquish my 700 club banner.

[kimchi]

12. Celebate?

No WONDER everyone wants to get it over with!

[goobergunch]

13. We can do 5 and 6 later, let's just skip to number 7

Put the following line in your sig.  You must keep it there
for the duration of your stay in the 700 club.

http://cbn.org/Templates/images/H-7C-Main.jpg

[kimchi]

14. Thanks, goobergunch!

By the way, what the hell is a goobergunch? Sounds like demonspawn to me. (No offense, of course.)

[DuctapeFatwa]

5. Next, you must go to eBay and purchase a pair of reindeer fur boots

If you cannot find reindeer fur boots, you may substitute an authentic Antique German Christmas Sperm Ornament, like this one:

http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=2200178270&category=33835

[kimchi]

10. How about a pair of snakeskin underwear? n/t

[finecraft]

2. Congratulations! Visit this site for weekly affirmations

http://www.jesusoftheweek.com
Like the inspiring one below. Again, congratulations on your inclusion into the 700 club! Enjoy your stay!

[cosmicdot]

7. Send all your money ...