My friend Delf has a girlfriend that is pushing him into marriage.

[YellowRubberDuckie]

She's a fundy. I guess for months now they've been having arguments with her boohooing and bitching wondering why he won't marry her. It all came to a head this weekend when her little brother proposed to the girl he's been seeing for 6 years. Delf and this girl have been together for a year and a half. I guess she ended up in a bathroom bawling, on the phone with a friend. Then, the next day, they went to a wedding. He's fucking mentally exhausted because this woman is frustrating the hell out of him. I think she's unstable.
The reason I post this here is because I want to know what you guys would do if you were him. I told him to run. If you were in this situation, what would you do? Just curious.
Duckie

[XanaDUer]

1. He needs to -run-not walk-away

this is a disaster waiting to happen.

[RPM]

2. She's a fundy - he should leave

End of Discussion... This will all be too complex for him to sanely deal with...

[Raster]

3. One word, Delf: RUN!!!

Trust me, it doesn't get any better, only worse. Is this what you want to deal with for the rest of your life? Even worse, do you want her to pull a "Glenn Close" when you finally come to your senses and run like hell???

[Radical Activist]

4. Thanks for reminding me

why I'm happy not being in a relationship. Women in some churches and families are taught that marriage should be their top goal in life so it turns into a mental sickness like this where getting married is far more important than who you get married to or other goals in life. ugh

Without knowing the woman in question I can make no judgments about whether her case of marriage fever will pass or not. Either way, Delf has to make his position clear and not let himself be pressured int anything. If she's getting on his nerves now, it will only be worse when they're married.

[Maddy McCall]

5. She sounds mental

She has no self-esteem. Sounds like her entire being is wrapped up in the guy she's dating.

She will be a leech who will suck all of his life out of him, if he decides to marry her. Surely he thinks more of himself than that.

Is she using the "we've had sex and I'm feeling guilty, unless we get married" trick on him?

Tell him there are stable, self-assured women out there. Run away from this one. I've had friends (guys and gals) in the same predicament. Those who left felt like a ton of bricks had been lifted off of them...all of the exes were very controlling. Those who didn't leave and who went through with the wedding are either now divorced or dealing with the same control issues from when they were dating, amplified by ten times.

[YellowRubberDuckie]

11. No.

He hasn't had sex since before they got together. She's using it as a bargaining chip for marriage. She's one of those catholics that makes the rest of us look bad.
Duckie

[Maddy McCall]

14. Really?

A year and a half of no-sex? And she's holding it over his head?

Again, tell him tho GTHO, NOW.

[Nikia]

Like I said

Maybe she wants sex. The people who I have known who wait to have sex until they get married usually marry relatively quickly once they are more than just friends.

[Sanity Claws]

6. He should break it off

She wants to know where she stands; there is nothing wrong with that. It shows that she is more than a doormat. If he knows he does not want to be with her, he should break it off with her. Simple. This is the right thing for him to do whether or not she is fundie.

[LisaM]

7. Why have they been together for a year and a half?

This sounds like a pretty major difference. Why is he dating her in the first place? Does he have real feelings for her?

[Blue-Jay]

8. Delf? That's not a real name.

[YellowRubberDuckie]

13. I swear to GOD that is his name.

It's a good German name.
Duckie

[Blue-Jay]

16. Fine. My name is "Flar".

It's a really common name on the planet where Delf & I were born.

[Radical Activist]

21. LOL Hi Flar I'm Bjork

Oh wait, that's a real one. Nevermind.

[Blue-Jay]

25. "Bjork" is the sound I make when I hear her "sing".

Icelandic Yoko.

[YellowRubberDuckie]

23. I thought the same thing when I met him.

But now, it fits. He's a huge nerd. I love him though. He's a great friend.
Duckie

[name not needed]

34. Hello, I am Spanganaar.

I believe we have met during the mass probings several years back. You had gentle hands if I can remember correctly.

[ayeshahaqqiqa]

9. if you don't mind a woman's point of view

If they're not getting along now(and manipulating someone via guilt and tears is not getting along), they won't get along when they are married. Marriage should be where two people learn to grow and nurture one another, sacrificing, if need be, onesself for one's mate.

From one who took one look and knew, and was married within two weeks...and is still happily married 16 years later.....

[Book Lover]

10. Tell her they need a cooling-off period

How happy could she possibly expect her lifelong relationship be if she harangued him into proposing/ If she had any spine, she'd pop the question herself and take it like an adult if/when he says no.

[Maddy McCall]

19. BEST advice in the whole thread.

Yes--cooling-off period is mandatory, I would think.

[Nikia]

12. Were they heading that direction before her crisis?

I don't know how old they are or the particuliar circumstances. Some people are in relationships with the idea that it is suppose to lead to marriage. If it isn't leading to marriage, they prefer that the relationship would end so that they can find a marriage partner. If she is a Fundy, are they having sex? If they are, she may be doing it with the idea that they are married in their hearts and not actually marrying would cause her to be a "sinner". If they aren't having sex until marriage, perhaps she wants sex. Just some thoughts.

[YellowRubberDuckie]

17. Marriage wasn't ever out of the question.

He's just not ready. She started pushing before they had even been together for a year. And no, no sex.
Duckie

[rug]

15. Does she have big eyes?

[LoZoccolo]

18. He should get rid of her.

It's unlikely to stop. If he responds to manipulation, it will happen over and over again.

[clydefrand]

20. Tell him to run like hell and don't look back! From the aged one!

[GoddessOfGuinness]

22. He should break it off for her sake

How will she feel 10 years from now when she realizes he never wanted to marry her in the first place?

If she sounds unstable, it's probably because she really wants the marriage thing, and doesn't want to waste time on someone who isn't interested. There's nothing wrong with not wanting to get married; but it isn't fair to string someone along on the hope that maybe one day he or she will be.

[prole_for_peace]

24. i am a woman and i say "get the f**k outta there."

a year and a half is not long enough for someone to be pushing marriage. (hell i have been with my bf for 10 years and both of us are completely content) if she is this controlling now, just imagine what she would be like AFTER they go married. scary.

marriage does not solve any problems and will probably make existing problems a lot worse.

[OldLeftieLawyer]

26. A no-brainer

He's asking you what he should do?

If he wanted to marry her, he sure wouldn't be asking anyone, would he?

[MissB]

27. As a woman, I'd say run.

Especially if he isn't ready. No one should be pressured into marriage.

[kodi]

28. never date a woman with more problems than you. she's a psycho

your buddy must be too lcomfortably numb to go out and get a woman who is not a nut case.

at some point in a relationship you realize that whatever is good about a relationship is counterbalanced by the bad. once it gets to the point where the bad outweighs the good, get out.

life is too damned short to live a woman who causes you problems

the boy has to fish or cut bait. amd if i were him i would cut bait immediately, and get a gun for self protection. he might need it.

and i could interchange the situation vis-a-vis a woman for the man and still give the same advice.

only an idiot stays in a relationship that is worse than living without that relationship, excepting those situations where the other party threatens violence, then, you got a really bad problem on your hands.

[R. A. Fuqua]

29. I am going to disagree a little bit here--

or at least have a very different view point.

It sounds as though this girl is a virgin, probably from a very conservative religious family, who has been taught that sex is "for marriage" and since she is physically attracted to this man, she probably thinks that she has to get married in order to enjoy a full relationship that includes sex.

That is NOT automatically a "psycho". (my current girlfriend had a similar background--and she is a WONDER.)

Now--I definitely do not recommend that your friend marry her (in my opinion neither one of them is ready), but he need not dump her--obviously they must like each other quite a bit to have been together for a year and a half.

What they need to do is realistically communicate about what they need and want out of a relationship--and if they can adjust to make each other happy. They could talk about issues in couples counseling if that is necessary.

It is natural that she will be nervous about starting a physical relationship--especially the older she gets--and the more religious and strict her upbringing was. If I was her boyfriend, I would try to introduce her to a more adult relationship--and who knows--maybe it would eventually lead to marriage. You guys that consider being a virgin a problem--hey that is a pretty easy problem to fix. I do not understand calling the girl a psycho---it sounds like she just really wants to get married and is pressuring him--yes that is stressful--but not necessarily psycho. The girl probably has no idea what an actual marriage entails--if they sit down and discuss what his expectations in marriage would be--it may not look so rosy to her--she may be willing to get closer to him before marriage and see if the physical aspects will work out.

[tjdee]

30. Mostly, women who express their feelings by crying or yelling are psychos.

That has been my experience. Maybe I just know the wrong people.

The first time a woman cries or yells, apparently she should be very careful because she is venturing into "psycho" territory.

:shrug:

[R. A. Fuqua]

31. everybody cries (even me)

everybody yells on occasion too.

Women are not more inherently unstable than men.

I was upset by some of the comments like "get your gun".

I saw nothing that indicated the woman is unstable enough to warrent such comments (many people badly want to get married--especially young idealistic people who have not experienced much of life and have been taught that marriage is the only "right" way to have a physical relationship with someone you love. Such a person may possibly need some therapy--and definitely some patience and understanding--but they could potentially end up being a great mate.)

[tjdee]

32. Oh I agree with you.

My post was a bit sarcastic and tongue in cheek, but I didn't make that clear.

I was just saying that for some reason, at the first tear/yelling/in your face moment a woman has in a relationship, some want to automatically make the jump to "Hey that girl's a psycho" or some of the things we've read here.

[R. A. Fuqua]

33. yes I completely agree with you.

Sorry--sometimes I am not quick to pick up on the "tone" of postings.

I have found that for me communication is so much easier when I am talking to people in person and can observe their facial expressions, inflections etc!

Anyway---I just felt someone should try to see it from the point of view of the girl--who is obviously immature and inexperienced (and probably does not even understand what she really wants) but who still may be a fine human being who cares about this man.

I don't believe in throwing people away--if there is a chance to make things work. (I have always thought that was one of my more "liberal" traits. LOL).