The Complexities of American Sport - Josh Wilson

[northzax]

From http://www.mcsweeneys.net/2005/6/10wilson.html">McSweeney's...

Baseball

Stand in chalk rectangle. Do not flinch as ball whizzes by head traveling at 90 mph. Consider swinging wood implement at ball. If contact is made with wood implement, run to your right, follow chalk line 90 feet until encountering white square. Stand on square. When next player makes contact between wood implement and ball, advance to next white square. When not standing in chalk rectangle, swinging wood implement at ball, or advancing between white squares, stand in field. Catch white ball when it approaches you. If picked up from the ground, throw ball toward player standing on first white square. Do not attack other players.

Basketball

Stand near metal circle with dangling net. Attempt to obtain ball. Throw ball into metal circle. Retreat to opposing team's basket. Attempt to obtain ball until ball is obtained or opposing team throws ball into their metal circle, then return to first metal circle, repeat. Attack opposing players, but without making direct contact. Occasionally attack spectators.

you really should go check out Hockey and Football...