Family trouble - perhaps a DUer might be able to advise

[Michael_UK]

I've been thinking about a family problem and going around in circles for a while. I thought maybe a DUer might be able to help.

It starts off with a pretty standard problem of parents not getting on with my brother's fiancee (and therefore daughter in law to be). My brother met his girlfriend six years ago. When my brother and her met my folks she was pretty shy and didn't say anything. Within a few months, my brother 21 at the time moved in with the girl who was 26. The shyness was difficult to judge, but after two years she still hadn't had a meal with my family and was bordering on rudeness.
I get on with my parents really well. My Dad and I spend ages talking about politics (he's a liberal as well), books and history and my Mum will talk about different things. They've always got on with my friends and my ex-girlfriends and my current girlfriend.

During the six years, my brother has put on weight, stopped going on holiday and in short thrown away his youth. (He's also going a bit right-wing). My brother has just grown away, and he seems a bit resentful of the fact that I went university.

Anyway, there was an argument three years ago and my brother's girlfriend hasn't met my folks since. An argument a few months ago with my brother meant that no-one's seen him in six months. MY brother seems quite bitter about his childhood, even though by most standards it seemed a pretty happy one.

Now neither my parents and brother want to make any moves. Is this situation resolvable? Any advice?

[RogueTrooper]

1. Why is your brother bitter about his childhood?

Have you seen your brother in the last six months?

[Michael_UK]

5. thanks

I don't know. We were both brought up in the same way, but he seems to remember the negative parts (the arguments over school - that most teenagers have) rather than the holidays and the day trips.

My brother's girlfriend is ok, but because she never said anything, it made it difficult to really like her.

I've spoken to my brother on the phone but gets in a temper and puts the phone down.

[acmavm]

11. Interesting. "My brother's girlfriend is ok, but because she never said

anything, it made it difficult to really like her."

Do you think your dislike was noticeable? If so, that might be a big part of it.

I was quiet when I was younger. Maybe not now, but at one time I was. And if I felt someone didn't like me, that made me maintain my silence ever more. I mean, I think people should try to get along and all that, but I wonder what one person facing a whole family who are having a hard time liking her for such a silly reason as being 'quiet', well that would certainly go a long way toward forming my lifelong opinion of them too. It's a 2 way street.

By the way, if you treat someone poorly and that someone just happens to mean a lot to another person, that other person will tend to resent it. And if they happen to care a lot, the resentment will probably be in proportion.

[MissHoneychurch]

2. First of all

welcome to DU :hi:. Always nice to see another European :)

Now, what are your feelings to your brother's girlfriend? Did you had the chance to get to know her better beside family meetings (which she didn't show up at)?

[bertha katzenengel]

3. Hi, Michael.

Sounds pretty painful. All I can suggest is to keep loving your brother, making sure he knows he is loved and welcome -- and wanted -- within the family circle. And if it were my family I would try not to push anyone into any meeting, not even arrange a "chance" meeting. Your brother has to live with his choices, and no matter how much that hurts you and your parents, there's really nothing much you can do about it, imo.

Bon chance, mon ami. :hi:

[Spinzonner]

4. Nothing will get resolved until people start speaking to each other

and it has to be done in a way that doesn't try and establish who's right and who's wrong because that's likely to cause ongoing alienation unless one party has already made that personal acknowledgement of their responsibility.

It would seem best for the person he still has some communication with to make the first move but if no one does then someone else will need to bite the bullet.

I generally favor writing instead of verbal approaches since it doesn't require someone to overcome their emotional state at a moments notice and the intiating party can follow a script and avoid confrontation. Even if the recipient feels negatively to the attempt, they can put it aside and come back to it. That's not really practical with a phone-call or in-person interaction.

If things are so bad that direct contacts of any kind are non-productive, then mediation by a third party may be necessary, even to the point of professionals.

[Michael_UK]

6. That's pretty much what I've been trying...

to tell both parties (my mum and dad and my brother). They're both being very stubborn. My brother sees me as being on the side of my parents

[Spinzonner]

9. Have you spoken to him in a way

that just listens to his grievances and acknowledging them and trying to understand them ?

Acknowedging doesnt mean agreeing with them or taking a side, it does involve trying to understand his point of view an how he might have come to it.

It does also mean NOT trying to change his mind - at least at that point - or tell him that and how he's wrong. That will only likely cause him to see you - as he apparently does already - and being on the 'other side'.

Accept their stubbornness - for now - and just listen without trying to change anyone's mind or bridge the gap. You need to understand the points of view and how they were arrived at before you can fairly represent one party to the other and overcome the separation. Don't take sides no matter what you think objectively because relationships are as much or more subjective and objective.

[radfringe]

7. similar situation with a co-worker and her son

son#1 avoids the family because he's ashamed of his humble beginnings. it began with him making a name for himself as an artist, wife comes from a pretty-well off family - short version - he has his nose in the air (or up his butt)

son#2 talks and socializes with family, talks to his brother occassionally - but it puts him in a similar situation as yours

best advise - problem is your brother's, problem is not yours, nor your parents. best you can do is to avoid taking sides, but keep lines of communication open with your brother so if he ever comes to his senses he has someone to talk to

neither you nor your parents are going to be able to change anything until your brother reaches that point. it's his problem and he has to deal with it.

[Michael_UK]

8. Thanks to all n/t

[Maine-ah]

10. wow, similar problem here.

my brother married (eloped) told us by sending a card. He's bitter about his childhood, apparently we grew up in two different families. I can't seem to figure that one out. His wife is wicked rude though, not a shy problem. She's an only child, there were four kids in my family. He never calls, never visits. At this point, he's hurt our mother so much with this that only one of our siblings is actually talking to him. This all seemed to coincide with our father dying about ten years ago.

I wish I had some advice for you, but we've decided eventually, he's going to pull his head out of his ass and figure it out.

Good luck, it's very sad to see this kind of shit happen. I lost my best friend, we were very close before he got married.

[purr]

12. I'm in the similar situation... BUT

I'm the shy one with his family. His parents are extreme repubs/freepers. They even refused to help pay for any of our wedding because we didnt get married in THEIR church and my religion is just as bad as the Catholics (I'm Orthodox).

His parents are such 'die hard' freepers, you cant even say hes got some balls, or damn around them since they'll get offended. They even protested us having alcohol at OUR wedding. Told my husband to tell them they're not paying so they have no say in anything.

I feel as if I cant be MYSELF around them because of their 'religious morals'. Not saying that I swear ALL THE TIME or I'm dirty, its just that I dont want to 'offend' them and I'd rather keep my mouth shut than to start an argument.

Also what jacks me off about them, is I have 2 kids not from my husband. He has one not from his ex as well. They EXPECT my family to raise him as blood (which we did anyway), but my kids are completely ignored by them. Birthdays, holidays, etc, my kids will get NOTHING, well, xmas they'll get them something small, but if MY family would do that, omg the nerve of them and they'll just go on and on and on and on.

Didnt mean to hi-jack your thread :) , but maybe theres something else like my situation going on? It could be many of reasons that you need to talk to your brother about (that hes keeping bottled up).

I'd say have a family get together at a neutral location and see what you can resolve. Someone needs to cave in, and HONESTLY - from my experience, I would say your parents doing it would be better than your brother. She could feel very intimidated (like I do), and would ease them into getting along.

Good luck.. I wish I could come up with something better, but my situation is similar to yours and trust me, I know where your coming from and its not fun.