I'm playing poker tonight and I need a few good jokes...

[BeyondThePale]

Any suggestions...

[WeRQ4U]

1. What's the difference between a pile of severed limbs and a 57 Chevy?

I don't have a 57 Chevy in my garage.:evilgrin:

[BeyondThePale]

2. Too easy--everyone knows about your garage already

[WeRQ4U]

4. Mine or yours?

I don't even have a garage.

How about this one:

Why did the Texan laugh at the man having sex with a sheep?

Because he picked an ugly one.

[DakotaDemocrat]

3. Top floor bar...

Two men were sitting alone at the hotel's rooftop bar. The first guy goes to the second guy, "You know, I come here all the time, and I've figured out something cool. If I jump out this window, the trade winds will pick me up around the 10th floor down there and blow me back into one of those open atriums to safety."

"Bullshit," calls the second, as the bartender just shakes his head.

The first guy, giving the bartender a wink, jumps out of the window, towards certain death. He's screamin down past the 30th floor, now the 20th, the 15th and then...whoosh! He gets blown back into the open atrium. Three minutes later, the bar's elevator dings. Its the first guy.

"Wow!" said the second guy. "That's amazing!"

The first guy, clearly proud, says, "Yep, works everytime."

"Not everytime, really?" asks the second.

"Yep." And the first jumps out again, screaming all the way down, until the 10th floor and whoosh! Into the atrium.

"Ding," goes the elevator. The first guy appears.

"My turn," said the second, and without a chance to respond, he jumps out the window and is rushing toward the 10th floor atrium. He whooshes by the 30th floor, now the 20th, 15th...and now the 10th...

SPLAT!!!

The bartender looks pissed off at the first guy and says, "Superman, you can be a real asshole when you're drunk."

[DakotaDemocrat]

5. A blonde and two brunettes are getting hunted down by a mass murderer...

...and the three little ladies flee into an abandoned log home. It's storming.

There are three potato sacks in a dark corner of the room. Each of the women pull a sack over their head.

The mass murderer appears (requisite lightning and thunder)!

He sees three potato sacks shaking in the corner. He goes to the first...

The brunette, under the first sack, meows. The mass murderer, startled, exclaims, "Damn cat."

The second brunette, under the second sack, barks. "Stupid dog," says our trusty mass murderer.

The blonde, hearing both of the sounds, responds in kind under the sack.

PO-TAT-TOES...

[WeRQ4U]

6. A guy walks into a bar with an octopus under his arm...

He exclaims to everyone in the bar that his octopus can play any instrument to perfection. He bets anyone in the bar 50 dollars to challenge his octopus.

A man comes up to him and hands him a trumpet. The octopus takes it and starts to play like Chet Baker. The guy hands him 50 bucks.

ANother man comes up and hands him a saxophone. The octopus takes it and plays it like nothing anyone has ever seen before. He's got 8 arms so it's out of this world. The guy hands him 50 bucks.

A Scottish lad stands up and walks up to the man and hands him a set of bag pipes. The octopus looks at the bag pipes with an odd expression.

The Scot yells, That's 50 bucks you owe me. It looks as though your pet cannot play the pipes.

The octopus looks up at the Scot and says "Play it, I'm gonna fuck it if I can get his pajamas off."

[ArmchairActivist]

7. I used to have a DU thread bookmarked...

..that was packed with nerdy science-type jokes. I can remember this one:

A hydrogen atom and a neutron walk into a bar. The hydrogen atom says to the bartender, "I'm so upset, I think I lost my electron."

Bartender: "Are you sure?"

Hydrogen atom: "I'm positive."

When they finished their drinks, the neutron goes up to pay the tab.

Neutron: "What do I owe ya?"

Bartender: "No charge."

Well, it worked pretty good at my poker table...

[DS1]

8. I told and oldie today at lunch that two people hadn't heard

It's the one about discussing how you'd like to die, and you say "I'd like to die peacefully and in my sleep like my Grandfather"

pause

"Not screaming for their lives like his passengers"

[AllegroRondo]

9. Musician jokes

How do you get a tuba player off your porch?

Pay him for the pizza.
----

Did you hear about the bass player who locked his keys in his car?

It took an hour to get the drummer out.
----

How can you tell which are the trombone player's kids on the playground?

They cant use the slide and dont know how to swing.
----

What do you do with a musician with no rhythm?

Give him two sticks and make him a drummer.

What do you do when he still can't play?

Take away one of the sticks and make him a conductor.
------

What did the tuba player get on his IQ test?

Drool.

[drdon326]

10. What do you call the guy that hangs out with the band ?

the drummer

[AllegroRondo]

13. How can you tell if the stage is level?

Drool comes out both corners of the drummer's mouth.

[catmandu57]

11. Lifted from Kurt Vonnegut

How can you tell the difference from an enzyme and a hormone?

You can't hear an enzyme.

Two blondes meet at a river on the opposite bank.
One blonde waves and shouts to the other hey how do you get to the other side?
The other blonde looks confused and says you are on the other side.

[Orsino]

12. "Liquor in the front; poker in the rear." n/t

[youspeakmylanguage]

14. Here are two of my favorites...(joke 1)

An American cowboy walks into a bar in rural Texas. He sees a donkey in the corner with a bucket full of money tied around it's neck. He asks the bartender about it. "Oh, that is the saddest donkey in all of Texas. Anyone that can make him laugh wins the bucket of money!"

"Easy!", exclaimed the cowboy. He walks over and whispers in the donkey's ear. The donkey immediately starts howling with laughter.

The cowboy grabs the bucket, orders a round for the house, then rides out on his merry way.

A year later the cowboy returns to the bar. The same donkey is standing in the corner with another bucket of money tied around it's neck.

"What now?", asks the cowboy.

"That is now the happiest donkey in all of Texas.", says the bartender. "If you can make him cry, the money is yours."

"Easy!", exclaims the cowboy. He walks over, stands in front of the donkey, and immediately the donkey begins sobbing uncontrollably.

After ordering another round, the bartender asks, "Mister, how do you perform these miracles?"

"Easy!", exclaims the cowboy. "Last year I told the donkey I had a bigger dick than he did. This year I showed it to him."

[youspeakmylanguage]

15. ...joke 2...

An old man is sitting on a bench in Central Park when a young punk rocker strolls up and sits down next to him. The old man begans staring hard at the punker's rainbow-colored mohawk.

"Whats the problem, Gramps?", asks the punker. "You have somethin' against the way I look?"

"Not at all", says the old man. "About 20 years ago I had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."

[SnohoDem]

16. I like this one

A big-city California lawyer went duck hunting along the Texas coast. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the US and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do
things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three-Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the Texas Three-Kick Rule?"

The Farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up." The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot! Now, it's my turn!"

The old farmer smiled and said, "No, I give up. You can have the duck."


Poker joke: "I got a hand like a foot." That one was more fun before holdem got so popular.

[48pan]

17. What do you get when you stand a blonde on her head?

A brunett with bad breath!