Any One Want To Adopt

[Liberalynn]

a forty three year old woman?

Okay I am no prize. I have OCD/Anxiety/Depression and on disability but I am trying my hardest to get over my "issues" and heal.

But then no matter how hard I try nothing pleases my Mom. I fix it her dinner it is not what she wanted, I go in the store and get her groceries, I bought all the wrong stuff.

I try to talk to my family about it and I get I need to be more understanding cause she's my Mom and she's getting older and crankier, and I am not supposed to take it personally when she says "I hate you," because she dosen't really mean it.

Then the therapist says "no one expects" you to be perfect? UH yeah right come again. Pefection was expected from me at home, at school, and even on more than one job. I even had a boss who did nothing, made me do all the work, then screamed and blamed me if it was done wrong. But I'm not being realistic when I believe I have to be perfect? I know I'm nuts but I don't get it?

I could try moving out but then I had to give up my dog, and a whole bunch of other stuff that brings me happiness like Internet service so I'm bascially stuck and I know I am still an adult illness and all, and it is my choice, and I shouldn't whine on like a victim, but damn it it just doesn't seem fair.

[philosophie_en_rose]

1. I don't have the means to adopt you...

but can I give you a hug? :pals:

There are things that cannot be changed, but there is no shame in voicing your pain. Do not confuse moving on with "getting over it."

This may not be helpful, but I'm suddenly thinking of an episode of Gilmore Girls when Lorelai tells her mother the secret of coping with a difficult person. Imagine that you are trying to cause them to criticize and that it's the funniest joke.

[Liberalynn]

2. Thank you for the Hug

I needed that. That is good advice as well.

[NoSheep]

3. I would say you need a therapist who can give you some respect

and credit for what you've been through. Eventually, the goal would be to know yourself well enough that you don't have to be jerked around by what others say about you. I've been through the same crap. Years of it. The right therapist really helped me. She told me I had a right to feel as bad as I did. Someone FINALLY heard me. It helped me to go forward. You need support. You need folks around you to be your champion. I hope you can find that.:hug: In the mean time, it really helps to be compassionate towards yourself. Wrap your arms around yourself and give yourself a hug. And say, in your voice, that right now, under the circumstances, you are doing the very best you can do. I hear your struggle and I know how hard it is. You are doing your best. Read books by others who have had your experience and are on the brighter side now. Hang in there. Write in a journal. Counsel yourself until you can find the right therapist. Never forget to tell yourself you are doing the very best you can do with what you have to work with right now. And if the depression gets really intense, remember, you can't walk on a broken foot and you can't think your way out of your reality with a broken head. You're doing the best you can. Make that your mantra. Don't beat yourself up because you can't make it work. Time....time will heal.

[Liberalynn]

6. Thank You

and I am sorry that you had to go through a situation the same as this too. I took your advice last night about telling myself I am doing the best I can.

I have to accept that my Mom is who she is and even though it is been worse as she gets older, it is pretty much how she has always been towards me and I am not going to change her. As you said I need to learn and accept that I am not who she thinks or says I am.

I also went and did some self soothing things last night. I got myself a glass of ice water, heated up an herbal pack, and took a couple of Advil, and Zantax to heal the physical consequences of the emotional storm. I always get a huge headache and stomach problems after one. Then I just layed on the couch listening to the fan, the wind, and the cars going by on the road and finally I was able to quiet and get some sleep so I can think with a somewhat clearer head today.

You are also right that I can't rationalize with a broken head and I need to give myself healing time so I will know the right path to take. In the meantime I am just not responding to my Mom's bait. When she tries to start with the insults, I am walking out of the room without trying to reason with her because I can't and I won't sink to her level any more either which hasn't worked any better.

Thanks for being there last night by posting back to me. It helped me to know there are caring people out there who understand.

You helped a great deal.

[Jamastiene]

4. Okay, do you like cats?

I'm thinking. I need a good friend or two. Maybe we could talk about it.

[Liberalynn]

5. I do love cats

but I am not so sure how my German Shepard feels about them. She's never met a cat. Thank you though for answering last night and for reminding me that there are still people who are kind and care. It helped a lot. I have decided that I need to get the emotions under control and start making a plan about what I need and want to do with my life, and not just out of reaction to one of her verbal attacks. Thanks so much for being there by posting last night. That already makes you a friend.

My sister thinks I should give the dog away and ask my therapist to assist me in finding new housing but I made a commitment to take care of my dog and I don't want to break it. It may not make sense to either my sister or my therapist but I wouldn't feel very good about myself if I didn't honor my promise to be a good and loving pet parent. Plus I love my dog a lot and would just be adding even more grief on top of anxiety/depression.

I am going to see if the Therapist can hook me up with a local agency in our city that helps people on disability find housing and see if they can possibly help me find someplace that will let me keep my dog. That's the only thing I am not willing to compromise on. Where I go she goes.

My sister said she is also willing to talk to my Mom's doctor about what we can do about her "mood swings." She's always had them but lately they are getting a lot worse and we need to find out why.

[Jamastiene]

7. I completely understand.

My three cats were the biggest factor in signing the contract to stay at the place I live now. I have been wanting to get enough education to get an entry level job in someplace like San Fransisco when I do move from here. It would get me somewhat closer to a bigger college where I could continue my education along the way and move out of the south once and for all. For the time being, my mother was nudging me by saying I had to be out by the 16th of February of that year. Of course, my mother told me that little tidbit of unformation right before Christmas of the year before. I started trying to find a place to rent to keep from getting tied down here. I found a rent to own trailor for the cheapest rent I could find. I was lucky to find it. I made sure I talked to the man and had him add it in the contract that if I up and leave, I may lose what I have invested, but it won't go on some sort of credit report somewhere and sink me. Yet, if I pay it off early, there is no penalty for that either. It worked out pretty nicely that way for both of us, I think. The idea being that I would have to pay a higher amount just renting and almost as much for a security deposit just to rent because I have 3 cats. I would rather keep my cats and maybe own the place someday. If I have one ounce of strength and vitality and courage left, it'll be to keep my cats. They are my best friends. No human can ever come as close to being as good and true a friend as our pets. They know all, see all, and stick by you and only you in a way humans just aren't capable of doing.

[Liberalynn]

10. Plans

Your plans about the trailer and college seem like good ones. When I graduated high school back in the eighties I applied to USC and got accepted but I chickened out and ended up going to a Jr. College near my hometown then a university in one of the larger cities near by. I did stay on campus the last two years, so that was a break from Mom. If I could go back and do it again, I think I might have made a different decision and gotten my courage up to go to USC.

You are so right about the animals too. We live on what used to be my paternal grandfather's farm and even though my dad started his own non-farming business we always rented out our barns to another farmer. So people were always dropping off stray cats here and I tamed most of them and was kind of known to the whole neighborhood as the "cat girl." Though I had friends at school the cats were who I went to for comfort and my dogs too.

At one point we had about twenty cats but feeding them wasn't a problem because the farmer gave me milk for them and we'd buy huge bags of cat food. The farmer liked them because they kept the mice out of his crops and hay.

Unfortunately times have changed, the farmer passed away, we don't have the big barn any more and our road has developed to the point where there are far too many cars to keep the out door cats. I do have a lot of space to walk the dog in the back though and since all our dogs were housebroken my Mom never minded having our dogs in the house. She didn't want the litter box though which is why I couldn't have any of the cats indoors but I miss having them as pets. My dog is a sweetie but kind of too big too cuddle plus she kind of doesn't like to be hugged too much. She just wants her back stroked and her belly rubbed.

[China_cat]

8. If you are ocd about cleaning, you found yourself a home.

I'm a slob to start with and my copd keeps me from doing anything involves raising dust.

I'll eat almost anything. Especially if someone else cooks. You can even bring your dog. One more in this menagerie won't matter.

If you have a wireless adapter we have a router and you'll even have broadband. And cable if you bring your own tv. I'm getting old and cranky but not that often and usually just with my husband. My oldest son is about your age (married with 2 kids, so I'm not match making) so you have an idea of where we fall on the age scale.

The downside? We live in South Carolina.

[Liberalynn]

9. No unfortunately

I am a slob too. I keep checking doors, windows, alarms (when I used to work at a museum), to see if their locked, closed, or on. Whether the coffee pot got unplugged, I'd rewrite phone messages like five or six times. Most of that is under control right now though. I only do it once or twice extra instead of mutiple retrips back to check.

The obsessive worrying part is what I don't seem to beat. I over think everything and don't seem to be able to let things pass out of my mind as easily as they should.

I think I want to stay in NY State for now and try and see if the agency for helping disabled people can help me find a place that will let me keep my dog. The one good thing about where I live is they do have a good County Mental Health program where they let me pay on a sliding fee scale for treatment and my Medicare does help cover some of it too.

Once I am feeling strong enough to handle things on my own again, I want to see if I can move to Maine. I've visted twice now once in summer and once in fall and felt a strong pull like this is where I'm supposed to be, if that makes sense? It's my goal to work towards.

Thank you for being there for me by posting back. It helps. My Mom has calmed down a bit today and the few times she started to snipe, I just got up and left the room and she stopped but I am still talking to the counselor about how to handle this next Wednesday.

[China_cat]

11. Remember, if you can get your doctor to write you

a script for a 'therapy' dog, you can live wherever you want under the ADA.