My GF: "I'm an alcoholic"

[Jack_Dawson]

I'm tripping out. I mean, we both like to get our buzz on after work. Where do you draw the line at "alcoholism"?

She has a very troubled family life, recently quit her job, is suffering from depression, and said when she gets up in the morning she feels like having wine. "I need to check myself into a hospital" she said through her tears tonight.

She also says if I would just commit and get married, she would finally "have someone and feel secure." I told her while I love her to death, marriage isn't necessarily going to "fix her", she needs to fix herself.

Who's right? :-(

On edit: She's been seeing a shrink for a couple months, and today he informed her she's an alcoholic and should seek counseling. Today is the first day she finally admitted it to herself and me. It doesn't sound like much, but it's a big step for her. Anyway...sorry to vent to everyone. Just don't know what to do.

[KitchenWitch]

1. At the very least, she should have an evaluation done

And see a counselor. I hope she finds the help she needs.

[Madrone]

2. YOU are!

But I think you know that. WhatEVER you do - don't fall for that "if only you'd marry me I'd not have any problems" load of hooey. :scared:

See if she won't see a counselor.

[Left Is Write]

3. Honestly, this would be a BAD time to get married.

By saying "if you would just commit, I'd feel secure", she's in effect putting at least a portion of the blame for her problem onto you. That isn't a good foundation for marriage.

She needs to come to a place where she feels secure within herself and not look to someone else to provide it for her. When she's healthy and respects herself, she'll be in a better position to consider getting married.

[Rabrrrrrr]

4. Egads!

I can't comment on anything except for when a person says something like "if I were married, it would all be okay".

RED LIGHT RED LIGHT RED LIGHT.

That's a sign of someone who doesn't, as you pointed out, have a handle on things. Especially since she nuanced the statement with "If only YOU would marry me..."

MAJOR RED LIGHT MAJOR RED LIGHT MAJOR RED LIGHT MAJOR RED LIGHT

Not to say dump her or anything, that's all up to you - but yes, my warning lights RAMPED UP as soon as I read that.

As to the alcohol, who knows if she or you really has a problem - but if she's thinking of the hospital, it's worth exploring.

[K8-EEE]

5. I'm Happily Married For 20 Years, And I Say:

Marriage don't fix NOTHING! Truly -- she needs to work on her problems, an engagement and all that would be a nice diversion but maybe later.

How do you feel about living alcohol free for awhile, til she gets her no-alcohol thing down?

[hfojvt]

15. I always thought marriage would fix the curse of celibacy

in spite of what my brother tells me to the contrary. Also thought it might keep me from thinking that I am a repulsive loser that no woman could ever love. You mean that feeling would follow me into a marriage and I would just be waiting for the inevitable divorce caused by my own feelings of inadequacy/rejection?
I don't buy it. I think those feelings come from the outside, and thus require an external solution. Of course, I did get my psychiatry degree from a cereal box so my theory may require some milk of human kindness.

[K8-EEE]

22. Sometimes Marriage CAUSES Celebacy...

...after a decade or two.

LOL...not in my case but face it, a lot of single people get more action than married people and sometimes vice-versa.

If you think you are a repulsive loser than no woman would love, I think you tend to make that a self-fulfilling prophecy. Likewise if you think a woman would be lucky to have you in her life, you might attract a like-minded individual.

I'm not that romantic about the inherent happiness of married life or the fun & free single life, because I've seen so many examples of both, good and bad. Depends!

[KitchenWitch]

6. A thing you can check into for yourself is Alanon

Get some insight for yourself, and for what she may be going through.

[SoDesuKa]

7. You Need Help, Too

Obviously, your GF needs help. But you need help, too! If you love an alcoholic, Al-Anon can provide support and counseling for you. They're in your local phone book. Don't wait around.

[Skittles]

8. she's both right and wrong

it's wonderful she is recognizing her alcohol problem because that is the first step to recovery and it is crucial. Unfortunately, she seems to think marriage will help with this endeavor and it will not. Jack, gently let her know she needs to deal with her problems and that you will be there for her but marriage is not a FIX for ANYTHING.

[Susang]

9. She's just trying to find a way out of getting treatment

Soundsl like she's pretty frightened about what's going on with her. I'm guessing she believes that marriage would be that "magic pill" that made everything in her life okay. Disaster awaits her when she finds out that she's still depressed and feels like drinking in the morning after she's married.

Hold off on the wedding plans, at the very least until she's got her head straight. You can't fix her, hopefully you already know that. She has to deal with her own issues before she can be an equal partner to you and be happy in her own right. Good luck to you both.

[Jack_Dawson]

10. Thanks for reinforcing what I kinda suspected...

It means a lot.

[EFerrari]

14. You guys will be fine. And if you wait until you're both on

solid ground, you'll get to feel good about whatever you decide for the relationship.

When people go into treatment -- or even think about it, it's terrifying. Maybe that's really the message here, "I'm scared out of my mind."

All by itself, that's enough to deal with for a while. :hi:

[Susang]

17. No problem

Substance abuse is a difficult thing to gauge. It might turn out that it's not the alcohol at all, it's the depression. Her desire to check into a hospital might be just a need to get away from all of the problems in her life. Either way, it sounds like she needs some help dealing with her issues without substances. I hope she's successful.

BTW, is she on anti-depressants? I know of one that has a rare side effect of making you actually makes some crave alcoholic beverages. It's Effexor, in case you were wondering.

Again, good luck and take care of yourself!

[Jack_Dawson]

23. I think that's one of them

And Paxil the other? Anyway...I'm drinking wine as I type this so am I also an alcoholic? I gave it up for Lent once. 40 days and 40 nights. Who knows.

[Susang]

27. You're right, who knows?

Everyone has different levels of what's healthy for them. I have a feeling you're okay. ;-)

But Effexor (and Paxil as well) has been known to cause people to crave alcohol and drink much more than they used to before they took it. It's a serious problem, most likely due to the way the drug makes liberal use of the liver's enzymes to metabolize and ends up interefering with the way alcohol is metabolized and tolerated. Alcohol abuse is even listed in Effexor's literature as a rare side effect now, because of the not-so-rare real life occurrance of this.

http://alcoholism.about.com/gi/dynamic/offsite.htm?zi=1/XJ&sdn=alcoholism&zu=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.drugawareness.org%2FArchives%2FMiscellaneous%2FMRalcohol.html

Sorry if I sound preachy on the subject, I just happen to have had experience in this area and was shocked to discover this information. I really had to dig for it. I'm all for psychotropics if there's full disclosure of the risks, but in a lot of cases, the risks are just not being taken seriously.

[IChing]

11. You live in California

there are resources still you can use

But the family is the first place to start, on observation of behavior and development
of the behavior, Friends help with honest discussion. When these steps have been
evaluated and discussed then maybe an intervention can be suggested. But get the ball rolling.

However, not knowing the cause of the depression without an explanation of your own observations within the context of your post's explanation.
It sounds that the issues are more than
you can observe or describe in
this environment.

then my on-line thoughts are another thing

[hfojvt]

12. that depends

on how long you have been stringing her along. :P
most people draw the line at themselves. An alcoholic is 'someone who drinks more than I do.' Although I guess one line would be where it causes more harm than it gives pleasure. Wine in the morning is a problem if it makes you too drunk to function for the rest of the day.
Saying that she has to "fix herself" makes it sound like there is nothing you can do to help. Of course, marriage itself will never take all of one's problems away.

[friesianrider]

13. Getting married now is NOT a good idea...

I'm not married, but I know this is not a reason to get married - in fact it is a horrible time to get married. Marriage won't "fix" her problems, and you're not to blame for all of this. The best to do is stick by her if you do love her, and help her through this. But it ultimately has to come from her. No doubt it took a lot of courage for her to tell you this, so you should commend her for that. Tell her you love her but she needs to work on herself before marriage, and that marriage is not the answer to this problem.

If she's the one for you, you'll make it through this just fine. Good luck :)

[kodi]

16. run away

as far as you can.

some folks think life is some sort of movie where their heroism will save the world. life is not like that. its cruel and when you see the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune heading your way, its best to side-step them if you can.

getting involved with someone with the sort of problems described is a akin to willingly climbing on a cross and letting the world crucify you because you think you can take it.

in this situation, your first obligation is to yourself.

the question you have to ask is: "should i take the chance that this not will fuck up my life if i marry her?"

and women, if a guy tells you he is an alcoholic or drug dependent, and that marriage would afford them to "have someone and feel secure," run away as far as you can, too.

[Blue_In_AK]

18. I'll second that.

After three marriages to men with substance abuse problems (what was I THINKING???), I can tell you that life is much nicer being married to someone without them. Better late than never.

[kodi]

20. honey, i dont have to tell you a bit. you've lived it

me too. my ex was a heroin addict and i knew it before we married. i thought i was superman and could shoulder her burden and change her.

bad idea. i was young, skinny, and stupid. now i'm old, fat, and a lot wiser.

i wished i had listened to my daddy: "don't get inolved with a woman who has more problems than you do."

[Jack_Dawson]

24. Is AK really 10-1 guys-to-girls?

I may have to not move there. :-)

[Blue_In_AK]

29. Alaska -- where the odds are good, but the goods are odd.

:crazy: If you're a GOOD man, I'm sure you'd be welcomed here with open arms. I had to import my (fourth) husband from Texas.

[Floogeldy]

19. You might consider quitting drinking and going into treatment with her

Since you both have been getting a buzz on after work, possibly together.

[enigmatic]

21. Gotta agree w/ everyone else...

When your boyfriend/girlfriend tells you that if you just marry them and whetever problems they have will be healed, it's bad, bad news...

[BikeWriter]

25. I've never heard of a shrink "informing" someone...

they're an alcoholic. Most shrinks assist you in forming your own opinions. If she feels she has a problem and needs to change it she probably does though.

[GreenPartyVoter]

26. She needs detox and you both should get counseling to help

you sort things out.

*hugs*

[La Lioness Priyanka]

28. you are right.,...marriage is not a panacea

[Commie Pinko Dirtbag]

30. She's trying to guilt-trip you into marriage. Run away as fast as you can.

eom

[Shell Beau]

31. Well if she feels she has a problem, then she probably does.

I think the best thing is for her to admit it to herself. But usually alcoholics need to deal with that before they have other things going on. Marriage is not the answer to her problems. Work on getting your life in order before you take such a big step. See how treatment goes before deciding on marriage. Sometimes, people come out of treatment a whole new person. And having someone who drinks regularly around them is not usually a good idea!