I'm on death watch.......

[converted_democrat]

Ahhhhhh. I'm really frustrated right now, and an emotional wreck. My father in law is dying of melanoma and my husband and I are taking turns sitting up with him. He has been living with us for the past two years while he battles the cancer, and I'm a mess. I have never had "death" this up close and personal, and I am not dealing with it well. It's like you can see the life draining out of him. He's a wonderful man and I love him, but this is so hard to see him go through this. I know this isn't "about me", but this is really bothering me. Can anyone that has been through this give some advice? I'm really at my wits end.

Peace,
Stacy

[Kathleen04]

1. I'm sorry to here this

No real experience or words of advice, can only offer a hug. :hug: I can only imagine how emotionally draining that must be..

[converted_democrat]

7. Thank you for the hugs......

[auntAgonist]

2. Stacy

end of life is never pleasant for those of us on the sidelines. It's an honour to comfort those who are leaving. My heart goes out to you. Don't deny your feelings or tears. Honour the years you spent with him by sharing your memories in written or spoken form. Speak to him, let him know how much you have valued his life and love.

:hug:

Above all else know that your compassion and love are being felt by him, even if it doesn't appear that he's aware of it.

aA.
kesha

[converted_democrat]

10. Thank you.......

I'm proud to be able to be with him. It's hard and unpleasant, but I hope it means something to him. To know someone cares, ya know? Thank you for your kind words.

[auntAgonist]

11. I do understand

really.

:hug:

[eleonora]

3. Mu uncle passed away last week of cancer brought on by AIDS

I think he's in a better place now. Sorry to hear about your ordeal, it is a tough time, but at least he's lucky to have you two caring family members with him.

[converted_democrat]

8. Thank you, and I'm sorry for your loss........

[enigmatic]

4. No good advice...

Just all the good vibes I can muster your way:hug:

[CubsFan1982]

5. Not a whole lot I can tell you, except

Just try to concentrate more on making his last days and hours as comfortable as possible. Try to put those thoughts out of your mind until it is over. That's what I had to do when I faced a similar situation with my uncle last year, when he was dying. I hope that helps somewhat. You guys will be in my thoughts. :hug:

[LastKnight]

6. i havent been through it.

but i can offer some limited support that the constraints of the internet allow me to.

religious or not... soon your father in law will be in a better place, either taken into the hands of the god of your religion (if youre of a religous background, that is). and if not... well, soon the pain will be over... just grab his hand and help him through the final transition.

death is but an end to a beginning. it must come for us all. its not something to be feared. it sounds cliche, but dont be sorry hes going, but be happy he was here.

if you need to talk ill probably be up for awhile. i dont know how much good i can do but ill be up.

[converted_democrat]

17. I am glad he won't be in pain anymore, but that does not seem to

make it any easier. I don't want to sound selfish, but I don't want him to go. He's not even gone yet, and it's like I already miss him.

[LastKnight]

19. its not selfish.

you love him, and i wouldnt classify it as selfish to want to hold on to a loved one longer. chances are he would want to stay with you longer as well. its just natural instinct to want to somone to stay.

stay strong.

[uppityperson]

9. It is hard, very hard to do this.

Try to sleep if you can. Eat if you can. Just be and don't worry about the rest of the world. Dieing is difficult though normal. It brings up all sorts of stuff, positive and negative, and affects us in unexpected ways. It is difficult. Go outside ocassionally.

I sat with a dying parent 13 yrs ago and it was the hardest thing I'd ever done. I much prefer being on the medical staff side than the family side. I thought I would implode. It is something I never ever ever wanted to do, but was really glad to be able to be there and do it.

Good luck and take care of yourself, whatever you can and need to do also.

[ulysses]

12. probably not of much help

but from a past cancer patient - thank you.

[REP]

13. Father Died 11 Years Ago of Bone Cancer (Spinal Column)

Bone cancer is said to be the most excruciatingly painful form of cancer, and when it's in the spinal column, the spain is supposed to be unspeakable, so I didn't really think about myself that much, other than I would not choose to live through the end of the disease. The only reason he did was so that he didn't invalidate his life insurance and leave his wife (not my mother) with nothing (his illness had pretty much wiped out everything they had). My father was 57 wen he died, and he only survived about 10 months after his diagnosis.

If you haven't already, you should look into getting some help from a hospice. They're supposed to be a lot better than they were wen my father died.

[BikeWriter]

14. Stacy, I watched my Mom and Dad go through this. There are few...

ways to make it any easier. You say you love him, I hope you tell him that. We got so much closer with my Dad while he was going through this.

[CanuckAmok]

15. Check your PM...

[Floogeldy]

16. Billions of us have come and gone.

It is a natural transition that all before us have made. And so shall we.

It is all right. We have no choice but to accept it. All is for the good. The good will live inside of us, and empower us.

Through your tribulation will come strength and understanding.

[IChing]

18. Went through it too many times

Make them comfortable and let them enjoy music they like. I just went through 2 weeks ago with my neighbor/friend,
Marijuana helped him, He never smoked until then.
Just being there is good but
also take a breather to replenish yourself in things you like to do hopefully with nature.
sorry, Its a tough part of life but also a part that makes you value the time you have
with all on this planet that we do not normally do enough of.

[Tsiyu]

20. You are going through one of the hardest things in life

:hug:

Just try to ride with the moment, because as you probably have seen, things can get pretty strange at times. You will find yourself wishing you could be anywhere else but there, as much as you would never think of bailing, and you will wonder why it has to be so damned painful and hard for some people to pass on.

This is tougher than almost any other "normal" life experience. It doesn't go well and you already know it isn't going to end with anything more than death ( faith notwithstanding .)

Escape when you need to and cry your eyes out when you have to (in private if you can) and just try to be in the moment no matter how intense it gets. Preachy me just sharing what I've learned watching a lot of people die.

Maybe the horror of the experience helps us cope with the peaceful finality of it, i don't know, but my heart and all good thoughts go out to you this evening.

[converted_democrat]

21. Thank you guys all of you. Your such good people and I am so blessed to

have you. I'm going to go to bed for now. Thank you for your support, you have no idea how much it means. Thank you.

:grouphug:

[bettyellen]

22. don't doubt for a moment that you are doing a wonderful thing for him....

and for your husband as well. my father was out of his mind when he dies, but i could tell my presence always did comfort him.
try and focus and talk about the moments with him you'll always fondly remember. treat him, your husband and yourself to whatever small pleasures you can.
let your husband talk about it as much or as little as he wants. people all have different ways of grieving, a lot of people have expectations or assumptions how they can or should behave in times like thi. just be accepting of others and do not be so hard on yourself. give yurself little distracting breaks if he naps. a book of short stories helped me at times. i say whatever honors your love and gets you through the night works.

[Saphire]

23. hang in there....you will be glad you did.

[Shell Beau]

24. That is rough!

I had to watch my grandfather die of cancer too! It is hard to watch that terrible disease take its toll. I am so sorry you have to go through this! :hug:

[ProfessorGAC]

25. My Wife And I Went Through It Twice

My only advice, is that when he does pass, you'll feel a sense of relief. Don't feel guilty about that. It's natural. It doesn't mean anything negative.
The Professor

[barb162]

30. relief

yes especially with my uncle. I felt I couldn't take it anymore and was actually relieved when he died.

[Patiod]

26. Hospice can be a huge source of support

emotionally, financially, handling paperwork, support for you and your husband and your father-in-law. Anyone with a 6-month-or-less terminal diagnosis is eligible. They provide RNs, LPNs, home health aids, and chaplains, bereavement counseling, the whole works.

If you just need to get out and go to something "frivolous" like church/synagog, a graduation party or just out to dinner, hospice can provide trained volunteers are there who understand that no family can do this 24 hours a day without break. Friends who have used hospice services for their families are disappointed that they didn't find these resources sooner.

He's lucky to have you and your husband there with him while he goes through this.

[converted_democrat]

27. I called them this morning and we talked. Thank you for the suggestion.

I'm going to get his doctor to give the referral on Monday, and then hospice is coming out for a consultation. Thank you!!!

[salin]

28. been close to but not exactly in your spot

hospice is the best advice I can give.

The next best is to both take and cherish the time together - but take periodic time away to do something to distract your mind and heart... even if it is a tv movie and a decadent flavor of rich icecream. Best if you can do that with your husband or another family member so that you lighten each other up for that little bit of time - and get a tiny bit of rejuvination - to keep the energy and strength up for the hard task at hand.

[barb162]

29. the caregivers have an unbelievable emotional toll

I went through this (cancer) with my mom and uncle. Lost a lot of weight both times, no sleep, mentally crazy over it all. They have support groups for this kind of stuff now that they didn't have several years ago when I was going through it. I would call the hospital or cancer society and ask about support groups in your area and GO TO THEM.

[nini]

31. Do you have hospice help?

If so, have them come in and evaluate him to make sure he is as comfortable as possible etc..

For you... I wish I had a perfect answer. When my dad was dying we had 6 days of thinking he was taking his last breath. I was so exhausted but refused to leave. While it is so hard to watch someone hold on to their last moments of life, it is an honor to take that path with a loved one. You will never regret being there for him , your husband and yourself.

What we did with my dad was tell him it was ok to go - I really think this allowed him to give up the struggle. My sisters and I all leaned in to him and told him it was ok to go, that we would make sure his wife (who had alzheimers) would be taken care of etc.. We basically made him know we would be ok.. he died within 5 minutes.. (wahh I wanna cry now too!) :cry:

TRY and get some rest when you can though I know that is not easy.

I'm so sorry for this for you.. Know I'm sending hugs to help as there's not much else I can do from here.. :cry:

:hug:

[madinmaryland]

32. I'm sorry for what you and your husband are going through.

Thank you for being there and taking care of him while his life is ending.

:cry: :hug:

[Arugula Latte]

33. My father died suddenly

and unexpectedly, so I don't know about the drawn-out part. However, I do know that you need to get some sleep, and if you need to take a sleeping pill (even something mild like Tylenol PM), then you should do it to give your brain a rest.

Just keep thinking that the hard part will end, you will get through it, and even though you'll be in a surreal kind of state for awhile, your pain will lessen with time.

Good luck to you.

[SW FL Dem]

34. You have my sympathy. My stepfather died from melanoma

many years ago. It was very hard to be there and watch him slip away. Luckily for my mom, both families were there and he was ready to go. A few minutes before he died, he hugged my mom and said "come with me". She answered, "I can't", then he took a few more breaths and that was it. Everyone in the room dealt with it differently, my hubby shut down and spent the time reading in a corner, my sister sat and cried while holding on to my mom. My brother clung to his soon to be wife. My step brother just knelt at his dad's side and sobbed. My only advice to you is to do what feels comfortable to you. He will know you are there and that is the most important thing.

[brook]

35. I hope you got some rest...

last night. Excellent that you called hospice. (DUers give the best advice!)

I went through this with both parents. I was the 'sole' caregiver and would never have made it without hospice nurses & volunteers. Besides the actual work of bathing, feeding, medicating, etc. - the emotional rollercoaster is unreal. I did engage night nurses that last week of my mother's life. I know it's childish, but I didn't want to be alone if she died at night. As it was, she waited until dawn. I sat with my parents at the end, holding hands and telling them that I loved them and it was okay for them to leave if they were ready. I felt it was important to 'free' them.

It's been years and I still cry at times (like now) - and you will too.
Most of all, do take the odd 30 minutes respite (which hospice can provide) - and trust yourself to be stronger than you think you are. You will be grateful in retrospect, for having had the privilege to express the love you clearly feel for your father in law. What you are doing is a beautiful and very special thing.

:hug:

[ronnykmarshall]

36. God bless you Stacy.

This is what I remember when my brother died.

The hospice nurses were wonderful. What they told us that when it was near "the end" that you will hear what is called "the death rattle". That is when the person passings breathing is very rough and there is kind of a "rattling" sound.

I know how hard this is. If you feel you can be there when he passes away then do it. If not, DON'T beat yourself up for it. I wasn't there when my brother died. I just could not do it.

What I do recall what this.

At around 5am in the morning my mother an I were sleeping in the living room next to my brother's room (he died at home). I was awaken by this shaking. Kind of stern but not violent and then I saw this amazing flash of white light. The whole room lite up and I felt this wonderful warmth all over my body and then the room slowly when back to dark and I could hear the cars on the street (we were in San Francisco). I know this sounds corny, but it happened and I felt the most wonderful feeling of peace. My brother was passing away to a better place. I woke my mom up and just about the same time my brothers best friend and roommate came down the hall. We could hear his breathing was getting shallow.

I went into his room and I could see look on his face that was like he sort of in a panic. I kept saying "it's OK, it's time to let go. Go see Florence (as in Florence Ballard of the Supremes ..... we were big Supremes fans)." I ask him if he wanted me to be there and he mumbled "no" and I kissed him good by. I knew my mom could not be there and so did his friend John. John stayed by his side when he passed away. I think that John felt he needed to be there because about a year later John also died. My brother had AIDS and so did John.

It's a very hard thing to go through. But in a way it was a very moving and spiritual thing for me. From what I say with the white lights and stuff and cemented my belief that there is a life after death. A place without pain and suffering.

I wish you the best.

I send my love to you and your family.