The song "Stay" always reminds me of my friend Robb

[Modem Butterfly]

I had this really good friend in college. He was the spitting image of my brother, so there was absolutely NO sexual tension, although he was a good looking guy (trust me, it was like they were twins separated at birth). He had a wonderfully irreverent sense of humor. We worked together when I was an RA in the dorms. He came up with fun stuff for the residents to do. He was smart and talented and wild. I can't even do justice to the funny/crazy stuff he did here on DU. But he was my Hunter S. Thompson buddy, or one of them, one of the people with whom I could quote chapter and verse of Fear and Loathing. Once when I was studying, he called a radio station I was listening to and somehow managed to get on the air, screaming, "PLAY WHITE RABBIT! I WANT A RISING SOUND!" When a friend of mine that he didn't even know needed a place to stay in order to get an abortion, he put her up for three days because I asked him to. He was that good a friend. He was like a brother to me, and I was his sister.

After I graduated from college, I made the decision to move to Atlanta from Oregon. I went up to Portland to see Robb with another friend of ours. At the end of a long beer-soaked night, they turned the lights on and started playing the jukebox, and Lisa Loeb's Stay came on. Robb took my hand and looked deeply into my eyes, and he said, "Stay. Don't go to Atlanta. Stay here, move to Portland. But please don't leave Oregon and please don't leave me,"

I will hate myself for it for the rest of my days, but I said, "I'll keep in touch," But I didn't. I lost track of him after a few years. And he has an extremely common last name. I guess I'd give just about anything to be able to talk to him today. But I suspect that even if I could, it wouldn't be the same. I can't think of him now, or hear that song, without tearing up.

[Spinzonner]

1. You seem ambivalent about contacting him

but there are lots of ways to find people, even when a purely name-based search seems likely to get drowned in noise.

For example (and there are other possibilities) he might have kept some connections to the school. There might be friends or relatives who have kept contact with him who would not be so difficult to find.

If you see the difficulties of the search as a way of avoiding the decision to make contact - for whatever reason - its your choice, but it doesnt have to be so.

[Modem Butterfly]

2. I've tried about a million ways

Unfortunately, his mother's maiden name is also exceedingly common. I've contacted the University (he didn't graduate and is not alumni and they won't release info without SSN and written permission) and his last two employers. I have a friend who's married to a PI, so believe me, I've really done some searching.

[Spinzonner]

3. What about his past ?

Where did he go to high school and when did he graduate ? Might have alumni connections there. Do you know wherehe lived in those days ?

[Modem Butterfly]

6. I do, but for the life of me...

...I can't remember the name of his high school. There are a large number in the area.

[Patiod]

4. A common last name makes things very difficult

My friend roomed with a girl from my high school named Donna Nelson while they were at Penn State. Donna moved to California, transferred schools and never graduated from PSU. I've asked at reunions, I've asked everywhere, and she hasn't kept in touch with anyone from our side of the country.

My friend is constantly saying she doesn't understand how I can't find her, since we went to high school together, plus I can find just about anyone (I used to do adoption searching, but that's another story).

And as for internet searching, you can't exactly google "Donna Nelson in California" without a town, a college, or SOMETHING. In fact, for all we know, she's in Minnesota, or Florida, or Europe

(of course, I can always find out what my old flames are up to using Google, since I had a penchant in college for Italian boys with exotic last names)

[Spinzonner]

5. I do people searching for my high school class

and in a few other cases that people have asked for.

You may have tried additional strategies that you didn't mention but a realistic search has to go far beyonf googling - as I'm sure you know. I fact, google is a relatively useless tool for people searching because its not really a data repository but a text one. At best, in a few cases, I have managed to glean something indirect from it - such as finding a previous associate by finding a joint document.

Did the person have a sibling or a friend in a different class that went to the same school ? If so, contacting the reunion committee for that class to try and contact that person might start you on the trail. I've found a few people - deceased and alive - through this approach.

And judiciously using the many search sites, alone or in combination - can help you find a lot of info and possibilities. Of course, the more uncommon the name the better. And which states they are in - or were at one time - can make a lot of difference. For example, only a relatively few states have birth and marriage records online (for finding women) and recent records tend to be missing because of newer privacy rules.