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Baptist Science Fair 2004
Grammar School Division
1st Prize: Broken Bottle in Freezer Proves God’s Might and Fury – by Megan Powell
3rd grader Megan Powell demonstrated that a glass bottle full of water placed into a freezer overnight invariably breaks by morning. Megan’s experiment successfully proves that our God is a vengeful God who invented ice cube trays for a reason. Excellent job Megan!
2nd Prize: Dissected Cats Show the Miracle of God’s Creation – by Bill Frist III
5th Grader Bill Frist Jr. demonstrated God’s potential for miraculously complex creation by dissecting and examining several dozen stray cats. Billy went above and beyond expectations by starting his project several months before the fair was even announced and dedicating many long hours to his work. According to Billy, his favorite part of the project was, “The sound their skulls would make when I’d swing ‘em by their tail and smash their heads against the side of the house.” Hope your grandpa didn’t help too much, Billy!
3rd Prize: Negative Stimuli, Positive Results: Masturbation Habits Reduced in Gerbils with Electric Shock – Daniel McPhee
5th Grader Daniel McPhee’s experiment demonstrates the beneficial potential of aversive stimuli in the treatment of aberrant behavior. Mr. McPhee’s study showed that auto-erotic stimulation by libidinous gerbils could be reduced by over 60% in a mere month’s time by inconsistently punishing the animal performing the elicit behavior with a moderate electric shock. Encouraged by his successful research, the enterprising young Mr. McPhee expressed his intention to invent a product that could do for children what he did for the gerbils. He proclaimed, “Whether you’re a human or a gerbil, masturbation is a sin in the eyes of the Lord, and although I’m happy that my work may have helped a few gerbils avoid the tortures of hell, I’d be much more happy if my work could earn millions of children passes into heaven.”
High School Division
1st Prize: Inferiority of Homosexuals Scientifically Proven with Competitive Sports Contests – by Matthew Watson
10th Grader Matthew Watson sought to prove his hypothesis that hell bound homosexual vermin are inferior to normal God fearing people by pitting gay boys against straight Christian boys in a variety of sporting competitions. The results were revealing, if not somewhat predictable:
The heterosexuals beat the gay boys 21-0 in a basketball match.
In the 100 yard dash, a heterosexual runner outpaced his homosexual rival by over six minutes after the queer boy stopped less than midway through the race to pick a flower, and then again before the finish line to change into a new pair of shorts.
In boxing, the treacherousness of the common homosexual was illustrated when, after having knocked down the straight fighter three times, the gay fighter was disqualified for cheating somehow.
Least surprised by the results was Mr. Watson himself, who described his feelings regarding the outcome of his project as, "Being sort of like what Newton probably felt like when he did his work on gravity. Everyone intuitively knew it existed, it just hadn't been proven scientifically."
2nd Prize: Christian Americans are the Chosen People – by Melanie Pierce
This uniquely inspired study presents a confluence of verifiable cultural, economic and epidemiological data from an array of sources to construct a valid comparable analysis that illustrates beyond any doubt that the fundamental tenets of Christian America are correct, and that its adherents are indeed the Chosen People of God.
Ms. Pierce’s work culls relevant facts and statistics such as the vast discrepancies between the average personal income of Christian Americans and their godless counterparts in communist nations such as the former Soviet Union and China, the disparity in HIV infection rates between Christian Americans and homosexuals, and the stark contrast in caloric intake of food between Christian Americans and Muslims, Hindus and Buddhists around the world into a cogent study that ultimately verifies her hypothesis that she is right.
3rd Prize: Tornados Staved off by the Power of Prayer – by Kirsten Hyde
This “miraculously” marvelous project proves the power of prayer to persuade our punitive and mighty Lord. 12th Grader Mrs. Hyde put her faith successfully to the test when she, along with her husband and eldest daughter, began seven months ago to supplicate God with daily entreaties to spare their trailer park from being devastated by a tornado. Her results were stunning. Not only has her family’s trailer park not been leveled by a tornado since the inception of her project (seven months being almost double the amount of time she’s lived in one place before having her dwelling destroyed by a tornado), but a resource center for queers in her town caught fire and burned down two weeks ago.
http://www.newsmutiny.com/pages/FundamentalHoroscopes.htm
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