Need advice: Anyone here have a significant other move away from you?

[Nicholas D Wolfwood]

My fiancee made the decision a few months ago to go to grad school in Chicago. It'd been a life long dream of hers to go to this particular school because her grandmother went there.

Ever since that moment, however, things have been very different with her. She hasn't been as affectionate and brings up "problems" in our relationship that are beyond minute. For instance, she said once that we wouldn't work out long term because we haven't made enough common friends together (mostly because we both work a lot and don't get to do functions like church or the local Democratic party). We'd had an extremely healthy relationship up to that point - even still, we've only gotten into one fight in our nearly year and a half together, and we've lived with each other for nearly a year now. Nearly every day prior to this decision, she would tell me how lucky she was to be with me and that she wished we could just get married tomorrow. (I'll also note my response to that was always that we should wait and do it the right way and that I was NOT the one who put marriage into her mind, though I can't say I was opposed to the idea at all.)

Despite my naturally being sad about the fact that the closest person in my life is not going to be with me for 2-3 years (I can't move because of my career), I fully support her decision to go to graduate school. I did ask that she at least look at a school in New York, as it would be a lot easier on us, but I never really forced the issue beyond the request.

Now, I've sought the council of some friends of mine that had been in similar situations to that of my girlfriend - in that they left for graduate school too. They all told me that they felt incredibly guilty for even just leaving their parents behind and that made life very hard for them until they left. They seem to think guilt is making her try to distance herself from me.

I don't know. I guess I can understand that, but does anyone else have a take on this? If this is guilt working, any tips as to what I should do to ease that for her?

[tjdee]

1. "she said once that we wouldn't work out long term" LISTEN to what she is

saying to you.

Sounds like what your girlfriend is doing is thinking through her feelings without you being there--and doubting your relationship right now. The best you can do is to show her how you *do* have common interests/friends/lives, and by showing her (not telling her) how great your relationship is.


I have had a significant other move away from me (to another country), and he didn't do that. Before he left he *did* try to let me off the hook, as it were, by saying he didn't want me waiting around for him and he didn't want me to "be alone".... but when he left he called me as often as he could and wrote me letters...tried to get me to come there....

I went to school away from my parents and didn't feel guilty enough to start treating them negatively, so I don't know what your friends are talking about.


Do you go to see her? How does she handle you wanting to see her--and if you see her, how receptive is she to you?

[Double T]

2. Sounds like it is time for you to move on with your life, as diificult....

as that may be. Apparently, your girl friend has already moved on; she is sending you all kinds of messages but does not have the spine to say it's over. Love can be a bitch, but wherever you are going is always better than where you have been, you're just not there yet. Good Luck!!!