Ok (MEN) I have a question. Can you be friends with a woman you

[xultar]

had an affair with back in the day.

Let's say early in your marriage you had an affair.
Then you say it is over but you still call her multiple times a week is it just friendship or is something else going on?

[Doctor_J]

1. Sounds pretty suspicious to me

like maybe there's still some threads to cut.

[wtmusic]

2. If something else isn't going on, you want it to be going on

FYI.

[Goldmund]

3. Sure you can

But it ain't frequent.

[papau]

24. I agree - if person friend of both in the marriage it is actually rather

common (or at least commonly attenpted).

But also common is the person that wants the lover to be friends of the spouse so as to show that the spouse's partner control's the situation (the married lover has everything under control).

"it ain't frequent " is very very true.

[supernova]

4. No, if he's calling her multiple times a week

then they still have unresolved feelings for each other.

[JVS]

5. Why would one want to be friends with someone they had an affair with?

[xultar]

7. That is what I'm sayin!

[Tallison]

17. Is there some principle according to which you wouldn't?

Just curious. That question does imply a spectrum of different standards for the different roles adult women - and I mean specifically women - play in your life.

[JVS]

57. Yeah

There is the principle of avoiding people with whom you get busted. I knew a guy who at the age of 13 was sneaking out his bedroom window late at night to go joyriding with his friends. None of them were old enough to drive. One night they get noticed by a policeman and arrested. Their parents all get telephoned late at night to drive across the county to pick their kids up. After this event the kids were no longer friends.

As far as your question about roles, I'm not quite sure what you're getting at.

[Capn Sunshine]

44. It's the baseball principle

Always keep a pitcher warming up in case the starter can't go all the way.

Some insecure folks tend to think this way, due to unresolved issues in their own f'd up brains.

[Yo_Mama_Been_Loggin]

6. I'd have to say no

At least not if I was trying to keep my marriage together.

Is this happening to you or a friend? I'd say if the guy was calling he wants to get back between the sheets.

[xultar]

11. A family member.

[salin]

29. which is the family member

wife (worrying about hubby), hubby-friend, or ex-flame?

I would have a different response for each.

Wife - be warned - fishy, fishy, fishy.

Hubby - stop deluding yourself. Generally for this to be "quaint" - there would have to be a LONG period of no contact for all residual feelings to be gone and for both parties to have really moved on - before "just a friendship" is real. Either recognize you have a real problem (in the marriage, or in you), or move on. Now.

Ex-Flame - same advice, for the most part, as to hubby. One thing if it has been a couple of years and both of you are in really different spaces... and even then, proceed with skepticism. And really, do you want to play with potential fire? Certainly there are better friends to be had (e.g., others in your life to chat on the phone with, etc.) who do not have the potential to cause you great distress or discomfort were wife to get a whiff and get angry. Keep life uncomplicated and life will stay uncomplicated.

[Mayberry Machiavelli]

8. Doesn't exactly pass the smell test. The husband or boyfriend in this

scenario sounds like they don't value the marriage enough if they're even willing to risk the appearances that would come from such frequent contact with a past lover...

[Wapsie B]

9. Who ended the affair,

the man or the woman? I'd say something else is going on. Calling multiple times a week? Someone wants to get into someone elses panties again.

[Nikia]

10. How much time has passed?

What has happened in the meantime?
I am not a man, but this information might be valuable in forming an opinion.

[xultar]

14. The affair happend long ago but it appears that the contact has been

pretty constant for 10 years.

[salin]

32. interesting

constant contact - doesn't allow for moving on. Then again, 10 years with no acting on the old affair (and are we sure that there have been no "relapses" in that time?) does rather sound like moved on has occured. Still - I would wonder about the emotional tie that might exist between the two - does she or he view each other on the same "plane" as their other friends? If yes - still a tad skeptical - but it could happen. If not, "Houston, we have a problem."

[SouthernDem2004]

12. Somthing else is going on or he is using her as a backup just in case

the marriage fails. Something is amiss....

[Seabiscuit]

25. Damned straight. The affair never ended. The lies just became more

persuasive. Everyone else has been duped for 10 years.

[joe1991]

13. Whatever it is

It's not conducive to a good marriage.

I would tell my spouse that there are 7 billion
other people in the world you can be friends with,
but not THAT person.

[Dan]

15. Answer=NO or YES

If you really like the person and the sex was bad, then you can be friends. Bad equates to just sexual incompatible...it happens.

If the sex was good...then the two of them are just figuring out how to make it happen again.

Of course, this assumes we are talking about someone from a Blue state; in the Red states, sister and brother might just want to reestablish a sibling relationship.

[4_Legs_Good]

59. LMAO!!!

:rofl:

Thanks!!! :)

david

[Mayberry Machiavelli]

16. AND... if the contact has been going on without the knowledge of the wife,

well, what conclusion can we all draw from that? Why would he have the need to hide it?

[xultar]

18. True.

[Mayberry Machiavelli]

19. This scenario has been judged by the DU Lounge Tribunal, and found

to be Extremely Fishy/Bad News.

[Kenneth ken]

20. possibly

but not likely. In my experience, no; I'm 0-3 on that. :)

I think part of the difficulty is that one person ended the affair, and as is true in most romantic relationships, the person who did not choose to end the affair has at least some level of desire that the affair continue or be rekindled.

In the scenario you describe, I think it would be harmful to the marriage. The calling, even if reasonable, undermines the capacity to rebuild trust in the marriage. A stable marriage requires trust so this action would be incompatible with maintaining a stable marriage.

Of course, if a child was born of the affair, that puts a bit of a different spin on things. Then I would suggest that the married couple as a couple might try to play a role in the child's life - it's hard to have too many positive influences in a child's life.

[Nikia]

21. Maybe, but it is suspicious

I am a woman, but here is what I think. I have always strongly believed that Platonic friendship between men and women is possible. I have never continued being friends with someone after ending a sexual relationship so I am personally not sure how past sexual activity factors into a friendship.
I suppose that it is possible that both parties could be friends if they realized that they were better suited as friends, rather than lovers anyway.
Obviously, though, this behavior is suspicious, espeically since they have been communicating behind the wife's back. I would be even more suspcious if contact has increased after some event in her life, such as if she is getting a divorce or having trouble in her marriage or if the oldest child is leaving the house.
I was going to suggest that perhaps the wife should insist that she comes over so that she can scope out the situation:how they interact, what sort of vibes she gets off of them together. On the otherhand, for obvious reasons, she may never want to see this woman. She may also have such negative feelings already that she might not exactly be able to have an unbiased opinion. Of course, some people are good at hiding their feelings so her observing them might not be telling either.
I don't like to suggest jealousy, but I think that the person who one's husband cheated with is a person to naturually be jealous of. He needs to understand his wife's feelings if he values her and their marriage.

[xultar]

23. I love this line in your post...

"He needs to understand his wife's feelings if he values her and their marriage."

Your post seems to be spot on with how I felt about it when I first heard of this situation.
Now I've changed. It is suspicious borderline needing an ass whoopin'.

[SOteric]

22. Anything is possible,

but some things are far less likely.

I hesitate to speculate without knowing any of those involved; but I find it more reasonable to assume that this is not a healthy, wholesome friendship than I find in support of a more Disney-like interpretation.

Ultimately, however, my opinion doesn't matter. Only yours does.

[SarahB]

26. It's difficult.

Especially if things weren't properly resolved or there's lingering feelings on one person's part. I try to give people space and time, but I ultimately hope to be friends again. In terms of my ex-husband for instance, the man has gone out with other people, but still gets physically ill from grief regarding our relationship. He hurt me deeply for many years, but I have grieved that loss and very much moved on. I still like him on a core level as a human being and hope we can ultimately be friends, but have learned to keep my distance (or just keep it as business) because he's still processing it.

It's hard for me to "hate" anyone I've ever loved (because everyone I have loved is pretty decent, albeit complex at times, and perhaps not the best suited to meet one another's needs), but I hope ultimately one day there can be positive feelings about it all. I would respect the feelings of my current partner though (as we all should).

I would say though that if this was a person who you were unfaithful to your spouse with, it's better just to, cut and dry, end it there. Those are things that should not be messed with.

[48pan]

27. NO! Don't listen to people who say yes.

It will cause problems with your next girlfriend, no matter what she says.

[panzerfaust]

28. Only if there is Distance, as well as time between

Calling multiple times a week is NOT distance.

If there had been no 'affair' then calling that often could simply be friendship: but, given an affair ...

[Rabrrrrrr]

30. Yes, one can

Of course one can. Doesn't mean that everyone can, but yes, some can, and it's totally possible.

[Rabrrrrrr]

31. However, the question you want to ask is "Can my husband do this..."

and only he can answer that.

[Chicago Democrat]

33. Maybe maybe not...

depends on what the current topics things you do are about?


THe Dalai Lama says to always pay attention to the underlying basis of any relationship.

[BiggJawn]

34. Hard to say.

Since I took my marriage vows a bit more seriously than my ex-wives..you'd have to ask them, since they had no trouble rolling their panties down for other guys/gals besides me...

I don't keep in touch with old fuck-buddies, either, nor women I used to date long ago. Some things are best left alone, IMO.

Naw, I think there's something still smoldering there. But then, I'm a Cynic.

[OffWithTheirHeads]

35. Calling her multipule times per week?

That's not just friends! Here is the test.
Make two columns.
In column A, list every man you have ever known that enjoys talking about feelings and relationships.

In column B, list every man you have ever known who would only submit to talking about this stuff if he thought it would get him laid.

Devide B by A.

Result= probability that they are "just friends" expressed as a percentage.

[Nikia]

36. I don't know if this is true

My sister, same age female cousins, and I all had close heterosexual male Platonic friends who would talk to us about feelings and relationships. These friends dated other people. Even now, I have a heterosexual male Platonic friend, for over three years, who has never suggested anything about wanting me in that way.
I think that men sometimes do need to talk about stuff like that, but don't want to talk about that with other men because it is not "masculine" enough. Sometimes they don't want to talk about it with their female SOs because they might fear what their SO would think if she really knew how. Of course men should be able to speak freely about their feelings and such with their SOs, but there might be issues in their relationship or it issues with how he sees women who he has sex with.
Feelings and relationships are not all that women talk about either. Really, we do have other interests.
Some friends might want to talk often. For example, one of my husband's friends calls him almost every day. I don't think that they are actually having a gay affair.
I did think that the above case might be seen as suspicious, not just because of their closeness, but their closeness after they had an affair. It is normal that the wife would be jealous of this woman and the renewed friendship with her husband.
In normal friend cases, I think that it is always good if spouses meet each others friends, where the friendship extends beyond aquaintanceship at work or other organizaed activity. A spouse can have a better idea if he or she is comfortable with the friend. Of course some spouses are hyper jealous, but that is another issue.

[khashka]

37. Sure

I've maintained strong friendships with everyone I've had a relationship with. Even brief affairs.

But most people don't... so it looks a little suspicious.

Khash.

[Mayberry Machiavelli]

38. If these "conversations" have been going on for 10 years after the affair,

and have been hidden from the wife, then:

-At worst, the affair/sleeping together is still ongoing, the phone calls are just evidence of it, a "byproduct" if you will.

-At best, even if there isn't sex going on, it's an unhealthy, secret relationship if they feel it must be hidden.

[eyepaddle]

39. I AM friends with actually a couple of women

who fit that description. Although I don't call every week. That frequency of calling does raise some eyebrows.

[Mayberry Machiavelli]

40. Yes, but are you married, you cheated on your wife with these women, and

the conversations are secret from your wife? mmmm???

[eyepaddle]

42. I confess I have not read the entire thread,

I am NOT married, I have never BEEN married so I have never kept a secret from a wife. Hell, one of the women I am still friends with is actually married to a friend of mine. (the guy and I knew each other a year or two before either of us met her--I met her first.) Well, it sounds more complicated than it actually is, but if I call to see how they're doing nobody has to secretly take the phone into the other room.

But like I said, I really only talk to that couple once every couple of months--not several times a week. You can remain friends with a previous fling without a aubtext--but this is certainly not always the case!

[all.of.me]

41. i'd say the constant contact means there are still some ties there

and if it was done with the spouse not knowing, then that is still the shadow of an affair. i don't like the feel of it at all.

[DS1]

43. There is some SERIOUS gender-bending going on here

I could've sworn a lot of you were wimmenfolk :D

[TroubleMan]

45. I've done it before.

It actually worked out pretty well. Every time she'd break up with somebody, we'd have sex a lot.

We were both very open minded. At that time I had problems with the mother of my child (who now is my wife) interfering with all my relationships (i.e. threatening to kill them and other small stuff like that), so I couldn't commit to anybody then. It actually worked out very well.

[xultar]

46. But the folks I'm talking about are married. He still calls her...and

I know they are getting it on. Women don't usually waste time on a man unles they are getting some or getting something out of it.

I love your avtar btw.

[TroubleMan]

48. Absolutely not....after one gets married they should not be friends ...

If you used to sleep with someone, you should not be friends with them after you get married....that's just wrong.

I don't care how good of a friend he/she was. Once you put the ring on, that's one of the sacrifices you'll have to make.

Well....IMHO. Somebody might see it different, but I can't see how it wouldn't be too suspicious.

...
Also glad to see another Marvin Gaye fan...thanks

[In_The_Wind]

47. from a womans point of view ... ex-lovers have become my best friends

BTW ~ when it's over ... it's over. The friendships were totally platonic.

[NashVegas]

49. It Could Still Be a "Sexless" Affair

Which isn't all that good, either.

[xultar]

50. Still uncalled for. Let it go. Once it is over it needs to be over sex or

not

[NashVegas]

53. That's What I Was Getting At

..

[leftofthedial]

51. a man calling a woman multiple times a week

I think he might be dialing with an unconventional appendage

[xultar]

54. Ya Think!

:spray:

[Java]

52. Answer

NO

[xultar]

55. I agree.

[VOX]

56. If the affair occurred during the marriage, and if he's still married...

to the original injured party, then the answer is an unqualified NO.

Any relationship counselor worth his/her salt will state up front that if saving the relationship is the priority, then the affair must be broken off, with no contact by the straying parties -- ever again. In fact, some counselors will advise that the straying partner make the final goodbye phone call in the presence of the injured partner.

It's about trust, and feelings. How would the injured party feel if they knew that the two straying parties had renewed contact? Pretty shitty, and it would bring back all the unpleasant memories. Any trust built back up would be undermined.

No, no, and no.

[4_Legs_Good]

58. It's certainly possible, but who knows...

I'm friends (though not nearly as intimately as you describe) with a former long-term girlfriend, and nothing could be farther from my mind than an affair of any kind.

I've been married to my next serious girlfriend for 8 years now.

I will say that some men (myself included) really like having friends, even female friends, after we're married. It makes us feel less "trapped" and helps to keep all our relationships happy. There's nothing I would like less than to have a domineering "I should be your EVERYTHING" marriage.

Bleh :scared:

david

[Shell Beau]

Sounds fishy!

[Stockholm]

60. nope n/t