Invitation dilemma - Please help

[madaboutharry]

I know this sounds like a bunch of bullshit, but at the moment it is my bullshit. My child goes to a school where there is an unwritten policy that everyone gets invited to everyone else's Bar or Bat Mitzvah. My child is insisting that I do not invite the class bully, who my child hates and has at various times been the victim of. I feel uncomfortable with this approach. I honestly don't know what to do and welcome opinions of others.

[MrScorpio]

1. Honor your child's wishes

Unwritten policy be damned

[Orsino]

2. Keep the invites out of school...

...and let the kid have *one* party with just his school friends. He sees them every day sure, but the bully is always around. If his birthday wish is to breathe more easily for a couple of hours, I'd be inclined to grant it.

It's likely to cause some friction, but I'm all for discussing elephants in living rooms.

[Droopy]

3. What the hell?

Don't invite the bully and when his/her parents bitch about it tell them why.

[madaboutharry]

5. Thanks

You are all being very helpful.

[Droopy]

6. Except that I made an unfortunate typo

;)

I corrected it. Maybe my post makes more sense now.

[TheCentepedeShoes]

4. Never had children

so never faced a situation like yours. But, if it were me in your place, I'd invite him since everyone else is invited, too. I am assuming there will be other parents and teachers present, so if he gets out of line there will be plenty of witnesses. Maybe make sure to invite the bully's parents. Besides, maybe he'll turn down the invite.

[GreenPartyVoter]

7. I invite everyone, and only about 1/3 show up to anything anyway

Maybe the bully won't turn up?

Otherwise, do what your child wants.

[Obamarama]

8. Raising a mensch....

By not inviting the bully, you are not raising your son to be a mensch. I think there is a greater lesson to be learned here, especially since it's his Bar Mitzvah, nu? Don't forget that a Bar Mitzvah is more than just a party.

I'm pretty sure Rabbi Joseph Telushkin has something relative to this in his book, "The Book Of Jewish Values." Its this book about how to apply the principles of Judaism to everyday life. I'm at a coffeehouse at the moment, but when I get home in a little while I'll check it out and report back.

[madaboutharry]

10. This is a good point, I

think that taking the high road is often the better choice even when dealing with someone who knows no boundries.

[Spinzonner]

9. SInce it an unwritten policy

you have no obligation to follow it and there should be no repurcussions to your child if you breach it.

However, why don't you discuss it with a school administrator and indicate your intent and your reason. And since this is a Bar/Bat Mitzvah situation I suggest you discuss it with your rabbi who can give a religious law and responsibility perspective to it and discuss it with your child in those terms - either way.

At 13 years old your child should be able to understand the complexities and compromises that life sometimes entails.

FInally, without knowing the nature of this bullying its hard to make a definitive statement. If it was particularly egregious, why didnt the school do something about it ?

And if push comes to shove and there isn't some agreement and understanding amongst the parties and advisors, I'd say don't ruin this once-in-a-lifetime event for your child and poison your relationship by forcing him/her to accept something that is a bit fuzzy policy-wise.

[madaboutharry]

12. Thanks

I am talking to my child about the realities of life and how sometimes you have to do things you don't really want to do. The bullying is very egregious. This kid has little self control and gets into trouble several times a week. This kid is very disliked by the other kids in the class. As far as why the school hasn't done anything, well I would also like to know this. My only answer is that the administration up to now has acted like a bunch of wimps and they want the $$$$$. But, that is a whole different thread!

[tjdee]

11. This is *your* child's event. Do you want him/her to feel badly just

so this kid can eat your kid's cake? I understand the high road, etc., but if your kid has been threatened by this kid, why allow this child to suck the joy out of such an event?

I am a big wuss and would talk it over with a teacher and about 3879872987 other people--but ultimately this is your kid's day. (Though, maybe your kid will get harrassed more for not inviting him? I'd point that out.)

This is the same as "should I invite that uncle who always picks fights when he drinks to my wedding?", IMO. Why reward bad behavior?

[madaboutharry]

14. Yeah,

You pretty much hit it on the head.

[LeftPeopleFinishFirst]

13. Don't invite him

I invited my entire soccer team to my graduation party, minus the 3 who were complete bitches to me. There's nothing wrong with that.

[madaboutharry]

15. Thanks all

n/t

[cally]

16. Invite all or only a few (2 to 3)

I have a child who was the only one who wasn't invited to a party in third grade. She wasn't a bully but has minor physical disabilities. Ten years later it still hurts and I still despise the parents who I once was friendly with. By the way, that child ended up as a horribly out of control teen. Is it really worth hurting a child that badly? My youngest has wanted to exclude the bully a few times and I made her make a choice. Either she picks two to three friends or she invites all. She's chosen both at diferent times.

[Deja Q]

17. As a victim of many more bullies you could ever comprehend...

(I whine about it all in my blog somewhere)

But I will tell you this:

DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES ALLOW THAT BULLYING FILTH TO SHOW UP. Trust me, it will cause troubles. (it is probably a 'he' but it is no human in my eyes.)

Bullies are no part of any society and your school is naive and unbelievably foolish if it is going to not make an exception. I can understand WHY they're making the policy; but there are valid exceptions and one would think that the bully coming to the victims Bat Mitzvah would be one of them!

Or if he's got to come; keep him cordoned off or get the police or SOMETHING that will keep them apart and your son not terrified to death.

Your school seems irresponsible as well; has anything done to get that filth to grow up? How come bullies never get punished for their actions? I gather bullying isn't allowed in Europe. Why is it allowed in the US? Because bullies make better CEOs, is that it?

Believe me on this.

Our 'society' sucks. Your conundrum is but one more example of how our 'society' helps the perps and urinates on the victims. And I'll have to leave it at that...