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WASHINGTON, DC – Humidity levels jumped unexpectedly to near-record levels in the Washington DC area yesterday, and have continued through today. The startling rise came to the surprise of all area weather forecasters, who scrambled to come up with a valid reason for the sudden humidity.
“At first, we had no idea why the city suddenly became so muggy,” explained local meteorologist Brent Stackford, “There was no natural explanation for it. So we looked for other potential causes, and I think we ended up locating the source.”
According to Stackford, deductive reasoning concluded that the source could only have emanated from the White House press room. As such, the only reasonable explanation had to be that the entire city became oppressively humid from the inhuman amounts of“flop-sweat” produced by White House Press Secretary Scott McLellan. McLellan had just undergone perhaps the most difficult press conference of his career, spending most of the session evading burning questions from the press corps about potentially treasonous acts by Deputy Chief of Staff Karl Rove.
The increase in humidity lingered throughout the night, but most traces of it were gone by the next morning. However, levels once again shot up today within minutes of a new McLellan-led press conference. “Today is even worse than yesterday”, claimed Stackford, “I just hope that they go a little easier on him as the week progresses, so that all DC residents can enjoy a dry weekend. As far as that McLellan guy goes, I hope he keeps hydrated. I've never seen a person perspire that much. It must be awfully stressful on your system to lie with that kind of frantic consistency.”
The entire meteorological community has gotten together and issued a warning that if such questions are continually asked by the press regarding White House illegalities, a massive hole in the ozone layer could break open directly over the DC-Baltimore metro area, as such action would result in members of the Republican Party simultaneously shitting their collective pants.
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