THE OFFICIAL DU LOUNGE JOKES THREAD - POSTS YOUR JOKES HERE

[Yavin4]

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Hand Job: $10.00

He checks his wallet for the necessary payment, then he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

"Yes?" she inquires, with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"

"Yep, I was wondering," whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the handjobs?"

"Yes," she purrs, "I am."

Replies the man, "Well, then, wash your hands because I want a cheese sandwich!"

[matcom]

1. George W Bush

[fob]

2. He* is a big joke, but he* ain't funny

[youspeakmylanguage]

3. My personal favorite...

An American cowboy walks into a bar in rural Texas. He sees a donkey in the corner with a bucket full of money tied around it's neck. He asks the bartender about it...

"Mister, that is the saddest donkey in all of Texas. Anyone that can make him laugh wins the bucket of money!"

"Easy!", exclaimed the cowboy. He walks over and whispers in the donkey's ear. The donkey immediately starts howling with laughter.

The cowboy grabs the bucket, orders a round for the house, then rides out on his merry way.

A year later the cowboy returns to the bar. The same donkey is standing in the corner with another bucket of money tied around it's neck.

"What now?", asks the cowboy.

"Mister, that is now the happiest donkey in all of Texas.", says the bartender. "If you can make him cry, the money is yours."

"Easy!", exclaims the cowboy. He walks over, stands in front of the donkey, and immediately the donkey begins sobbing uncontrollably.

After ordering another round for the house, the bartender asks, "Mister, how do you perform these miracles?"

"Easy!", exclaims the cowboy. "Last year I told the donkey I had a bigger d*ck than he did. This year I showed it to him."

[Yavin4]

5. Here's another one

The Boss was in quandary. He had to fire somebody. He had it narrowed down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision, they were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hang-over after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin. The Boss approached her and said: " Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off." "Could you jack off?" she says. "I feel like shit."

[rbnyc]

14. BWahahahahahah!

I'm calling my husband right now!

[flvegan]

4. The Blonde and the Casino

Subject: The Blonde & the Casino

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table.
A very attractive blonde woman arrivedand bet twenty thousand dollars
($20,000) on a single
roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much
luckier when I'm completely nude." With that, she stripped from the neck
down, rolled the
dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed...
"YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and
her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other
dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other
answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

Moral -
Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.

[youspeakmylanguage]

9. Funny! Here's one...

A Texan walked into an Anchorage whorehouse and asked, "Do you have a girl here from Texas named Arlene?"

"Sure do," said the madam. "Go on up to Room 6."

The Texan did so and asked the occupant, "Are you Arlene from Texas?"

"I sure am, darlin'" she replied.

"Well, I got two hundred dollars," he said proudly. The hooker grabbed him, threw him on the bed and gave him an hour of horizontal aerobics. As he dressed to leave, he asked, "So, will you be here tomorrow night?"

"Sure will, darlin'," Arlene said.

The next night, the Texan returned and spent another two hundred dollars. As he left, he asked, "Will you be here tomorrow night?"

"Honey," she replied, "I'll be here every night for you!"

The next night, the Texan returned again and had the best sex of his life. When they were done, Arlene lit a cigarette and asked, "So what part of Texas you from, cowboy?"

"I'm from Dallas," the Texan said with a grin.

"No kiddin'! I got a sister in Dallas!", said Arlene.

"I know," said the Texan as he walked out, "I told her I was going on a trip to Anchorage and she asked if I would bring you six hundred dollars..."

[no name no slogan]

6. What do a tornado and a Kentucky divorce have in common?

Either way, somebody's gonna lose a trailer

:hide:

[flamingyouth]

7. My favorite joke:

"Knock-knock."

"Who's there?"

"Control Freak. Now, here's where you say, 'Control freak who?'"

[crispini]

15. Ha! I like that one.

Here's my favorite.

"Knock knock"

"Who's there?"

"Interrupting cow."

"Inter----" "MOO!"

[rbnyc]

16. Knock Knock

Who's there?

Philip Glass?

Philip Glass who?

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Philip Glass?

Philip Glass who?

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Philip Glass?

Philip Glass who?

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Philip Glass?

Philip Glass who?

Knock Knock

[crispini]

19. That's awesome!

:rofl:

Now, who can I tell that to that'll get it....

[edbermac]

22. I get it...I have a few of his CD's...

His scores for Koyaanisqatsi, Powaqqatsi, Naqoyqatsi and this one:

[rbnyc]

25. Thanks.

That's my favorite knock knock joke.

:)

[matcom]

8. what does a blonde do immediately after sex

she thanks the team :hide:

[youspeakmylanguage]

10. My favorite blonde joke...

Two blondes were given a science class assignment - they had to make plaster molds of animal tracks!

They ventured into the woods and hit paydirt...

"Those look like deer tracks", said the first blonde.

"You're crazy! Those are bear tracks", said the second blonde.

Then the train hit them.

[proud2BlibKansan]

17. 2 blonde jokes

A blonde had just started driving and was worried about handling the roads in snowy weather. So her dad told her to just follow the snow plow and she would be okay. So the first time it snowed, she followed the plow. After awhile, the snow plow driver stopped and asked her why she was following him. She told him what her dad had said and the driver said "OK, as soon as I finish this lot, I am going across the street to plow the WalMart lot".
:) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)
A blonde was tired of her coworkers treating her like she was stupid. So she came in the office one day and announced that she had stayed up all night to memorize the state capitals and knew them all. So her boss asked "What is the capital of Washington?" She said "That's easy, it's W."

[XemaSab]

11. Why are there so many trees in Paris?

So the Germans can march in the shade.

[Left_Winger]

12. Why is it so windy in Washington?

Because Bush sucks!

[rbnyc]

13. Just in case you missed them the other day:

Why didn't Hitler drink tequila?

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

'Cause it made him mean.

:)

What did the giraffe say when he walked into the bar?

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

"The high balls are on me."

:P

[proud2BlibKansan]

18. Why don't blind people sky dive?

It scares the hell out of their dogs.

[Debi]

20. Guy walks into a bar and asks for only a glass of water..

"I'm so hungover....last night I drank so much I went home and blew Chuncks."

Bartender says, "got sick, huh?"

Guy says, "no, Chuncks is my dog".

[no name no slogan]

21. How many "feminazis" does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

That's not funny.

[ghostsofgiants]

23. A couple of my favourites...

A pirate walks into a bar with his ship's steering wheel down the front of his pants. The bartender give him an odd look and asks, "hey, doesn't that steering wheel bother you?" The pirate looks at him, nods and says, "yarr, it be drivin' me nuts!"

And this is only funny if you share my disdain for Michael Bay:
Q: You're trapped in a room with Michael Bay, Jerry Bruckheimer and James Cameron. You have a gun, but only two bullets. Who do you shoot?
A: Michael Bay, twice.

[edbermac]

24. Saving George W. Bush

George W. Bush was out jogging one morning along the parkway
when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing, and landed in the
creek below. Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, 3
kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water. He was so
grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.

The first kid said, "I want to go to Disneyland." George W.
said, "No problem. I'll take you there on Air Force One".

The second kid said, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's."
George W. said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael
sign them!"

The third kid said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built
in TV and stereo headset!" George W. was a little perplexed by
this and said, "But you don't look like you are handicapped."
The kid replied, "I will be, after my dad finds out I saved your
ass from drowning!"

:rofl: