All you parents, how do you deal with kids who bully your children?

[bluestateguy]

I'm watching the classic Simpsons episode from 15 years ago right now where Bart declares "war" on the school bully, Nelson Muntz.

It got me to thinking about school bullies, and how we should teach children to handle the problem. I think children should certainly be taught to avoid fighting, to never seek out a fight, even if it's with a bully, and not to solve problems through violence. I also think it's fine to say that children should tell a teacher or the principal about a school bully.

But I have a problem with the approach that says that a child should just have to sit there and take it if some junior thug decides to beat him up. I have been disturbed by these anecdotal reports I have heard about kids being suspended from school because they were "in the fight", even though they were ruthlessly attacked by a school bully and simply trying to defend themselves from being beaten to a pulp. If it were me, I would say to my kid that you have the right to defend yourself if some Nelson Muntz just decides to use you for target practice.

[Crazy Guggenheim]

1. Teach him how to fight.

[Deja Q]

6. I must agree. Our 'civilization' has devolved too far.

[Maddy McCall]

2. I've taught my son a non-violent way to react....

the first two times that the person bullies him. If the kid is shoving or pushing him, and calling him names:

1) walk away.

2) turn the other cheek.

3) don't let those karate lessons I paid for go to waste. Kick the little fucker's ass. Let your mother sort out the aftershock.

[Talismom]

3. I think you're right to take this issue seriously!

I would get involved and contact the parents, teacher and administration. I'd let them know that either they take it seriously and make it stop or I would be there to defend my kid. My twins are 7 and I don't think it would be fair for them to suffer bullying alone. Later,at a different age for each person, they will be able to defend themselves, but for now, they should know that there are people there to love and support them.:hug:

[Maddy McCall]

7. I took it to the "authorities" and they did nothing to stop it.

They responded with "Boys will be boys." I told them that my son would be forced soon to take care of himself against this bully. And at that time, if they decided to suspend him after the warnings I had given them, I'd take it to the school board and to the newspaper.

My son had enough about two weeks before the school year was to end. The offending kid walked up to him and called him "faggot" and "cocksucker" and said "You're mama's a cocksucker." My son, always a gentle giant, had had enough. AFter he kicked the kid's ass (and I mean he KICKED THE KID'S ASS) the school called me to tell me that my son would not be allowed to attend "field day" the next day and would be spending this fun day instead in the principal's office on detention. I told them, "No, he won't. And you won't count him absent. I warned you what was going on and you ignored it. Shall I take this to the school board and the local newspaper? My son did what he had to do. I'm taking him to Chuck E Cheese on "field day," and I'd better not see an absence for this day on his report card."

He was not reported absent. And my son had a fun day at Chuck E Cheese.

[JimmyJazz]

13. I had an almost identical experience in high school.

I was picked on incessantly for weeks by another student. When I finally took action and beat the snot out of her, I got suspended. My dad had it out with the prinicpal of the school, who was actually an acquaintance of his. I didn't have to serve out my three day suspension.

Adults need to crack down on bullies and not ignore complaints. But kids need to know that they don't have to be victimized either.

A second point about the martial arts: sometimes rumors of a black belt are VERY effective. I went to school with a kid who was smaller than most, but everyone heard he was a black belt. No one EVER tested that rumor :)

[devilgrrl]

23. I got into a fight with this evil bitch in high school...

it was just awful and made me cry. The principal knew this girl was major-league thug, he didn't suspend me just told me to stay out of school for a few days. The thug ass bitch was booted from the school. Last I heard, she was recently nailed for driving while intoxicated.

[cleofus1]

28. HA HA!

[HuckleB]

30. That makes sense.

The alignment of bullying, low self-esteem and depression is very common. So is the alignment of depression, low self-esteem and alcohol.

[HuckleB]

29. I don't know.

I boxed, quite successfully, in high school and for a while, until I got smart enough to realize that someone was going to do what I'd been doing to others to me. Unfortunately, every dufus around wanted to try to take me on, because everyone knew I'd never been beaten. It was very frustrating, and I did end up "having" to fight a couple of the bozos. They ended up with broken noses. I felt guilty, and have been a bloody pacifist ever since.

[Talismom]

32. Oh man! You are fantastic!

Your son is soooo lucky to have such a supportive parent! Nice going! I'll remember this as my kids get older.
:thumbsup:

[Xipe Totec]

4. Teacher told my son...

after being harassed for months, "It won't stop until you take care of it. So I'm going to look away, and you deal with it."

So my son stuffed the asshole into his own locker. Not only did it put an end to bullying from this guy, but from everybody else in the school. The jerk actually came to him later and made friends.

Experience is a dear teacher, but fools learn from no other.

- Benjamin Franklin

[blondeatlast]

14. My son had a similar experience at day care (he's eight).

He'd been taking karate, and as taught, he warned him that he'd fight if he had to (this was a 9 year old with few social skills).

The kid laughed, reached over and chucked him on the cheek--and my kid rolled hom over.

He's in a section with kids from 7-12 in his day care. A twelve year old tried to steal one of his gameboy games. My son asked firmly but politely for it back--and got it. The kid didn't even protest that he didn't have it.

The knowledge that they can deal with the situation is often all they need.

[Lannes]

5. Depends what kind of bullying

If its physical then I would teach him/her to fight back if its verbal Id teach him/her to talk trash.

If they get into trouble for defending themselves thats when I would come in and raise holy hell.

[sybylla]

8. I, too, have a problem with the turn the other cheek method

I told my kids they always had the right to defend themselves if they were attacked and that I would defend them to the authorities (school teacher, principal, lunch nazi, playground aide, study hall warden, and even the police) in that situation.

I gave my boys the power to deal with it themselves, or at least they thought they had the power, and that was all that was necessary for them to have the confidence to challenge the bullies instead of taking it. I explained that there may be consequences no matter what happens and who started it, as the school has a policy that both students in a fight are disciplined unless an adult witnesses it. But I always made it clear to them that they do not have to tolerate bullying.

My oldest has gotten into confrontations with bullies twice. The first was on the playground in middle school. The bully swung at him and missed, my son swung back and hit. Never happened again. My son didn't get into any trouble. Apparently the playground aides were too busy chatting to see it, though several other middleschoolers saw it.

The second time, his ex-girlfriend egged on some of her friends to fight him (not at school). They cornered him and he took a few hits as he was outnumbered, but he had the confidence to fight back until they all ran off. After we warned him that he might not be belived, we took him to the police who took his statement. The officer explained that without corroboration, there was probably not much that would happen, except he would make sure the parents of the men involved would know about it. Fortunately one admitted what happened, corroborated my son's story and is now being processed through juvenile court. One other was an adult and pleaded guilty to battery charges in adult court. It worked out well, but I shudder to think what would have happened if he had just stood there and took a beating from five guys.

[knowbody0]

9. martial arts

it makes sense. teaches them to focus and gives them confidence. bullies go after insecure kids.

[MrSlayer]

10. It depends on the bully.

If they're older and bigger I'll deal with it, if they are peers I tell my kids to kick ass on them. In this city you better not be a punk because everyone will take advantage of you. You don't rat to the teacher or the cops or whoever, you take care of it yourself. A good beating usually sorts the bullies out because they are cowards at heart.

[DemExpat]

11. My son was a gentle teddy bear in his youth....

but when pushed or bullied, he turned into a fighting machine.

Several times in elementary school 2 twins picked fights with him, but each of them only once.

I always advised him to never start a fight or bully others, but if attacked, defend yourself well.

We were fortunate that my kids went to a school which put a lot of attention into how the kids interacted with each other.

DemEx

[Nay]

12. It's a sad thing, isn't it? When my son was in 6th grade, a

neighborhood bully began picking on him right after the school bus let their group off. I knew something was up because my son got unnaturally quiet and seemed upset for weeks. He finally told me that the bully was attacking him nearly every day at the bus stop.

We sat down and talked about what to do. He had told his teacher, who was completely unhelpful. I asked if he would like me to talk to the principal and to the bully's parents, and he said yes. So I did. Neither person cared a rat's ass -- in fact, the bully's mother tried to bully ME over the phone! I told her that the day I saw any kind of wound on my son, she would be talking to the police and my lawyer. She STFU, and I hung up on her.

I explained to my son that my conversations with the school and the mother weren't going to help, and I offered to wait for him at the bus stop and walk home with him. He thought (correctly) that he would REALLY get slammed if Mommy walked him home, and I agreed that was probably true, because kids could be terribly cruel, as he was learning. I told him that normally I did not believe that violence was a good way to settle things, but that in this case, he certainly had the right to defend himself from someone who was trying to injure him. So for the next few days, we practiced what he would do the next time he was attacked.

Mainly, I told him to punch this boy as HARD AS HE COULD, preferably in the stomach, and to try to avoid hitting him in the face or teeth. We practiced hard punches. I told him to hit the kid immediately after being hit himself, as this would be a real surprise to the bully and would be likely to take him down right away.

A few days later, as I sat at the window, I heard yelling from the bus stop (which was out of my sight on the next block.) I correctly surmised that the bully had done his thing, and that my son was getting his licks in.

He never had another moment's trouble from that bully.

[proud2BlibKansan]

15. My kids took Karate

and the one time my oldest had a bully try to hit him, my son grabbed the bully by his wrists and looked him in the eye and said "I will let go when I am sure you are not going to hit me". My son told me it was an instinct, he didn't even think about it first. So Karate paid off.

His teacher called me that night to tell me how much she respected what my son had done. She said this kid had been bullying kids all year and my son handled him better than anyone else had. Even the principal was pleased.

So my advice is Karate lessons.

[GaYellowDawg]

16. I'm not a parent...

That said, I intend to take any kids of mine to martial arts classes that emphasize wrist/joint locks and takedowns. If a kid swings on them, they could shut the fight down quickly (and painfully), but couldn't be considered a belligerent.

[HuckleB]

17. Don’t Let Anyone Bully You Into Thinking Bullying Is Not Important!

http://www.cpa-apc.org/Publications/Archives/CJP/2003/october/guesteditorial.asp

"Bullying, a form of interpersonal violence, is emerging as an important public health issue. There was a time when bullying might have been viewed as a normal developmental experience for school children. However, a more precise definition of bullying, as well as information about its prevalence and associated difficulties, has caused this view to shift substantially.

Bullying is characterized by repeated physical or verbal interactions that are meant to be hostile, cause distress, and involve a power differential between bully and victim (1). While certain characteristics of bullying distinguish it from other forms of aggressive behaviour (for example, its repetitive nature and power differential), bullying can occur in many forms across the lifespan, from playground interactions to dating violence, workplace harassment, and elder abuse. This In Review series focuses on bullying occurring in childhood and adolescence.

Bullying during childhood and adolescence is a common problem: it occurs frequently, and it is universal. It is common for young people to experience bullying. In a 2002 school-based sample of Canadian children aged 11 to 15 years, about one-third of the boys and one-quarter of the girls reported that they had been bullied in the last 6 weeks (2). Greater proportions of boys and girls reported bullying others in the same time period. Cases of severe bullying can result in death (3,4). These rare cases capture headlines and raise public concern, but they clearly represent only the tip of the iceberg in terms of all the bullying that occurs within homes, peer groups, schools, and communities.

Being either a bully or a victim of bullying is associated with increased risk of a broad range of difficulties. Problems in the emotional, behavioural, and social realms—including depressed mood and suicidal ideation—have all been associated with victimization (5–7). Similarly, children and adolescents who bully also have an increased risk of associated emotional and behavioural problems (6). Ongoing research is investigating the extent to which being a bully or a victim represents a causal risk factor (8) for these varied difficulties (9,10).

..."


Of course, in the situation described, there is always the question of who is the bully and who is the victim, as both students often claim victim status. How does one know?

[HuckleB]

18. Identifying & Targeting Risk for Involvement in Bullying & Victimization

Identifying and Targeting Risk for Involvement in Bullying and Victimization:
http://www.cpa-apc.org/Publications/Archives/CJP/2003/october/craig.asp

Abstract:

Bullying is a relationship problem in which power and aggression are used to cause distress to a vulnerable person. To assess and address bullying and victimization, we need to understand the nature of the problem, how the problem changes with age and differs for boys and girls, the relevant risk factors (those individual or environmental indicators that may lead to bullying and victimization), and the protective factors that buffer the impact of risk. For children involved in bullying, we need to assess its extent and the associated social, emotional, psychological, educational, and physical problems. Bullying is a systemic problem; therefore, assessments of bullying need to extend beyond the individual child to encompass the family, peer group, school, and community. We recommend that assessments at each of these levels reflect the scientific research on bullying and victimization. With attention to the problems associated with bullying, we can work collectively to make schools and communities safer for children and youth.

[HuckleB]

19. Consequences of Bullying in Schools

http://www.cpa-apc.org/Publications/Archives/CJP/2003/october/rigby.asp

Abstract:

For the most part, studies of the consequences of bullying in schools have concentrated upon health outcomes for children persistently bullied by their peers. Conclusions have been influenced by how bullying has been conceptualized and assessed, the specific health outcomes investigated, and the research method and data analysis employed. Results from cross-sectional surveys suggest that being victimized by peers is significantly related to comparatively low levels of psychological well-being and social adjustment and to high levels of psychological distress and adverse physical health symptoms. Retrospective reports and studies suggest that peer victimization may contribute to later difficulties with health and well-being. Longitudinal studies provide stronger support for the view that peer victimization is a significant causal factor in schoolchildren’s lowered health and well- being and that the effects can be long-lasting. Further evidence from longitudinal studies indicates that the tendency to bully others at school significantly predicts subsequent antisocial and violent behaviour.

[HuckleB]

20. Interventions to Reduce School Bullying

http://www.cpa-apc.org/Publications/Archives/CJP/2003/october/smith.asp

Abstract:

In the last 2 decades, school bullying has become a topic of public concern and research around the world. This has led to action to reduce the problem. We review interventions targeted at the school level (for example, whole school policy, classroom climate, peer support, school tribunal, and playground improvement), at the class level (for example, curriculum work), and at the individual level (for example, working with specific pupils). Effectiveness of interventions has been sporadically assessed. We review several systematically evaluated, large-scale, school-based intervention programs. Their effectiveness has varied, and we consider reasons for this. We suggest ways to improve the evaluation and comparability of studies, as well as the effectiveness of future interventions.

[liss681]

21. My mom taught us to stick up for each other

My brother used to get beat up on the bus until I beat the shit out of one of the kids and told the others that I would take them on too... teach your kids to defend themselves.

[HuckleB]

22. An Early Warning Sign for Violence

http://www.psychiatrictimes.com/p010954.html

"Over the past few years, the ripple of widely publicized school shootings has demonstrated that the nation's epidemic of youth violence has broadened in terms of age, geography and sex, to encompass all populations. The attention drawn by the media to these recent tragedies has thankfully also drawn attention to issues regarding the early identification of risk factors for violence and strategies for violence prevention.

We have now come to recognize that acts of bullying and revenge are associated with many of these violent incidents. Previously, issues related to bullying have not been a prominent part of the violence prevention agenda. An article by Nansel and colleagues (2001) confirmed that bullying is indeed a necessary component of a comprehensive violence prevention strategy for our children and youth. Further attention, effort and funding are required to provide antibullying interventions in U.S. schools, as well as other violence prevention approaches.

Nansel et al. found that, of their sample of over 15,000 children in the United States, 30% reported either moderate or frequent involvement in some aspect of bullying. Thirteen percent reported being a bully, 10.6% had been bullied, and 6.3% reported experiencing both bullying and being bullied. Demographic disparities were also noted in this study, with males significantly more involved in both aspects of bullying. No significant geographic variations in either aspect of bullying involvement were noted.

Nansel and colleagues' findings are consistent with prior research on bullying, most of which has been from studies conducted in Europe. There is a high degree of international variability, but studies have generally found bullying to be prevalent, ranging from 15% to 20% in most countries.

..."

[HuckleB]

24. Camera phone school bullies on the rise

http://www.thisislocallondon.co.uk/display.var.608290.0.camera_phone_school_bullies_on_the_rise.php

"IF the national media are to be believed, the country is suffering from an epidemic of bullying, perpetuated by mobile phones and internet chat rooms.

Incidents of so-called happy slapping - an assault on a person captured on a camera phone - have become commonplace, with the latest one targeting an 81-year-old woman.

The problem has become so rife as to attract the biggest bully of them all, Pop Idol's Simon Cowell, to campaign against it.

A sure sign then that this is all a lot of media hype?

Unfortunately not.

..."

[HuckleB]

25. Thorough Website on Bullying:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/schools/bullying/

[Crazy Guggenheim]

26. This issue is near and dear to my heart because I was

bullied in school and my parents *forbid* me to fight back.

[cleofus1]

27. doh!

HA HA~

[dsc]

31. The policy you have described has become increasingly common

and I think it is just plain dumb. The only legal advice I can give you here is to threaten the school with a restraining order against the bully if they can't or won't take care of it. The illegal advice I would give you is that make sure any fight between your kid and the bully takes place after your child and the other child have both reported to their respective homes. If your kid gets into a fight anywhere between the time he leaves your house and returns to it the dumb policy applies. Once he gets home for the day it doesn't.

I really wish I had fought back when I was bullied as a middle schooler. I took a whole lot of shit no one should have to take due to not doing so.

On edit I am not a parent but I am a teacher so I give my advice to you in that capacity.

[sendero]

33. Whether it ias "taken" or not..

... I've always taught my boys what I learned in the 8th grade.

If a bully attacks you or even threatens you, you have no choice but to fight back. You will be tormented until you put them in their place.

Sure, if a kid is actually hitting your kid, you CAN get them arrested for assault if you want to go to the hassle of filing charges.

But most likely, it won't really fix the problem.