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At the end of every episode of Leave it to Beaver, Wally and the Beaver always learned a valuable lesson. What lessons did they learn?
A little Vaseline prevents hula-hoop chafing.
We must like Ike or the communists have already won.
Secret to Ward’s even temper: that ain’t tobacco in his pipe.
Jesus: white, not Jewish, drives a DeSoto.
Don’t let Eddie Haskell gouge you on the wholesale price of heroin.
Don’t ask about Ward’s Korean war bride.
Always stab up into the abdomen, never down into the ribcage.
When hustling after school, get the money up front.
The Russians put that dog in space just to bark at our satellites.
If June works outside the home, the communists have already won.
Yo-yos come in many different colors. It is important to draw distinctions and preconceptions based on those colors.
Never get into a car with Lumpy’s father. Just don’t. Because I’m your father and I say so, goddammit!
Buckshot cannot be traced to a specific firearm.
A Studebaker trunk holds three men or four women.
Make sure you have a “safe word.”
Don’t ask June why she needs duct tape in the bathroom.
When raiding Ward’s liquor cabinet, remember that he keeps his single-malts in the back.
Atomic-powered cars should be available any day now.
Next time, wear a mask.
Never watch another Frank Cappra film. Ever.
There’s more than one way to skin a cat and it is important to try them all.
If we make cars safe, the communists have already won.
Always obey the rules of the road. Otherwise, the cops might pull you over and search the trunk.
Vegetables are only for decoration.
A small amount of quick lime will keep the bodies from smelling.
Always use a pseudonym when fencing merchandise.
A street gang is a serious commitment because when you’re a Jet, you’re a Jet from your first cigarette to your last dying breath.
Before going to sleep, check under the bed for communists and Lumpy’s dad.
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