UK Guardian Harry Potter parody contest

[eridani]

http://books.guardian.co.uk/potter/page/0,13381,1521782,00.html

The Guardian has had a contest to write a HP scene in the style of another writer. Since the scuttlebutt is that a character dies, they picked Dumbledore (not as a spoiler -- they don't know). There is a long list of entries in various styles at the above URL.


Japanese style—

Dumbledore was sitting cross-legged, munching his way through some pot noodles when the note arrived. It came via a mechanised pink owl, which flew down through the window and perched on the table beside him. A jingle rang out from it to alert him to its presence.

"Hello, Kitty," he said.

The note was brief and formal. Dumbledore was to be dismissed from Hogwart's immediately without severance payment of any kind.

'I will run myself through with sword made from sharpened Bonsai twig," the great man solemnly announced.

"No, Dumbledore-san!", implored McGonagall, "You will ruin the tatami mats."
<etc.>

Arthur Conan Doyle—

My long association with Severus Snape has never ceased to bring me into contact with the outre and grotesque. Here, for example, in my notes I read the annals of the Half Blood Prince - a tale for which the world must wait - and the bizarre affair of Hermione Granger's cat Macavity.

Here, too, I find the singular story of the Hag, the Banshee, and the Vampire, whose entry into a public house became a cause celebre.

However, even in this company, the Adventure of the Deceased Headmaster calls out for attention. Few could have predicted the shocking turn of events, or the tragic outcome of this horrible affair.

It was the summer of '05, and, owing to an unfortunate turn in my domestic circumstances, I found myself again taking up with my old mentor and Potions Master. We took rooms in Diagon Alley, I finding the quiet congenial (my scar had been troubling me again), and he ideal for investigations into Muggle potions.

"Few have considered the possibilities of the leaves of Erythroxylum coca, Potter. Yet the man who is willing to acquaint himself with the Muggle underworld can truly make a killing."
<etc.>

Hunter S. Thompson—

We were somewhere near the edge of Hogwarts when the magic began to take hold, all of a sudden the air was filled with hundreds and thousands of frogs, hopping all over the front of the car and a voice was screaming 'what are these creatures'.

I turned round to see Dumbledore wafting at the frogs and yelling me to turn up the bass, as the sound of the Stones came through on the radio. Normally, restrained and measured, Dumbledore had been on an ether binge since mid-morning and the effects were starting to show as he babbled incoherently about cutting up the blotter paper. I touched my head nervously remembering the time that I'd been with Voldemort on an acid binge and he'd taken a medium sized hunting knife and carved a small z into my forehead.
<etc.>

Jane Austen—

It is a truth universally acknowledged that an old wizard in possession of a big secret must be in danger of his life.

However little known the existence of this secret, or the views of a such a wizard may be on his first entering Hogwarts, it takes little time for minds of surrounding magicians to consider it the rightful property of themselves or one of their number.

"Mr dear Dumbledore," said Hermione one day, "have you heard that there is a dark cloud brooding over the castle?"
<etc.>

Douglas Adams—

The 'Hitch-Hikers Guide to Wizarding' is without doubt the greatest book to ever come out of the highly respected Gryffendor publishing company. More popular than '101 Things to do with a Chocolate Frog', better written than 'Potter: a life story' and more controversial than 'Understanding Muggles'.

Unfortunately for Dumbledore, whose life was now in utter peril, 'The Hitch-Hikers Guide to Wizarding' only has three things to say about danger - first, "you don't want to be near it", second, "if you are near it, use your towel to try and distract it", and third, "if you absolutely can't avoid it, make sure your will is in order".
<etc.>

Ernest Hemingway—

We sat, our backs against Hogwarts wall. Ron, Hermione and I.

Looking out over the lawn towards the Forbidden Forest. Death Eaters had taken the school. In the evening gloom it was impossible to know if we had already been overrun. We could hear spells going off in the distance.

"I'm tired of this war Harry", said Ron.

"We've got to keep fighting Ron" replied Hermione "We can't let Voldmort win".

"Fighting! This war won't be won through fighting. He who can't be named has already come back from the dead once. Let's stop fighting, what could be worse than this?"
<etc.>

And many, many more--

[eridani]

1. No one wants to play? n/t

[XemaSab]

2. Nabokov's pale fire:

I was the shadow of the hippogriff there,
slain at the hands of Death Eater McNair,
A smudge of ashen fluff and I
Lived on, flew on, with this Sirius guy.
And from the time-turner, too, a duplicate,
Myself, my double, not a moment too late:
Uncurtaining the night, we've gone so far
Me and Sirius, how happy we are!
And how delightful when an owl's claw
Bears a parchment marked with Snuffles' paw,
Off to a boy at Hogwarts school,
"Don't dream those dreams, don't be a fool!