Sex is for Fags! (New abstinence-only program)

[Sandpiper]

Take the "Sex is for Fags, Abstinence-only pledge"

I {My Name}, hereby pledge:


1. To stay massively cool by not having sex. Because only major losers have sex – which everyone knows is only for fags.

2. To never let any slutty girls peer pressure me into touching their vaginas – because vaginas are totally gay.

3. To ignore my raging hormones and burning drive to fondle, suckle, and thrust furiously into a hot gooey pit of creamy-soft fleshy ecstasy.

4. To keep my groinal giblets inside my GAP khakis, and to punch those sweaty bits into submission whenever they percolate with desire.

5. To never spill my sacred "dude milk" – unless it is inside of some hot babe who already married me and took my last name.


http://www.sexisforfags.com/

[TimeChaser]

1. And Iron Hymen

I, , hereby pledge:

1. To never let grubby boys touch me – unless it's just fun innocent stuff like tripping me and pulling my hair. (But only the hair on my head!)

2. To never wear trampy stuff like shorts or t-shirts or open-toed shoes, which basically tell horny perverts that I'm a major tramp who's just asking for it.

3. To never do rough stuff like ride horsies or bikes with hard seats, which could break my vagina's freshness seal and make me totally unlovable.

4. To never let tampons violate the sanctity of my hoo-hoo, because tampons are really nothing more than thirsty little albino penises.

5. To never have premarital sex, because Jesus doesn't want anyone messing around inside my girly hole until after His church makes some money off a wedding.

I understand that abstaining from sex protects me from:

Forcing my wonderful parents to use "tough love" and kick me out of the house for embarrassing them by being such a little whore.

Having adoption-hungry homosexuals circle my pregnant belly like vultures, hell-bent on corrupting my unwanted bastard child with their sicko "love."

http://www.ironhymen.com

[davidinalameda]

3. oh my

To never let tampons violate the sanctity of my hoo-hoo, because tampons are really nothing more than thirsty little albino penises.


:rofl:

[skypilot]

7. Or Satan's little fingers.

[arwalden]

8. Tampons Are Satan's Cotton Fingers

http://www.landoverbaptist.org/news0999/cotton.html



TAMPONS:
"Satan's Little Cotton Fingers!"

Landover Ladies Vow to "Stop Satan From Pulling The Strings!"


Ladies of Landover member Mrs. Taffy Davenport-Gaines Crockett, visiting the Landover Christian Pharmacy recently to refill the church tract display, happened upon a shocking sight. A young woman was visibly upset and arguing loudly with pharmacist Emma Mae Martin. What Mrs. Crockett discovered next sickened her unto the point of nausea.
"The young woman was trying to buy tampons," Mrs. Crockett said, barely able to hold back tears. "I snatched that girl by the hair and pulled her outside... there were children present! Can you imagine how they'd be damaged by hearing such evil ideas?"

“I explained to this young lady that we do not carry such phallic devices as tampons and when attending to her monthly curse," Mrs. Martin said, adding that "Satan himself controls the manufacturing of those things." The young woman then began to verbally abuse her, she said.

"A Godly woman is only to use a Maxi-Pad," Mrs. Crockett stated. "Why, they even have them with little angel wings now! I handed her a box and told her unless she wanted my handprint across her face she was never to utter that evil T word again!” The as yet unidentified woman then fled the store in humiliation. Landover Security sketch artists are preparing a likeness to aid in identifying the young woman. Her salvation status is unknown, but based on this event, it is likely she is Hellbound.

snip... continued at URL above....

[sundog]

13. .

:spray:

[maddiejoan]

10. Moby Dick?

[ronnykmarshall]

This is some funny shit

[Trigger Hippie]

6. Damn, I want an Iron Hymen tee.

:silly:

[ronnykmarshall]

2. That is so fucking funny

[WeRQ4U]

4. "Dude Milk"?

LOLOLOL

[Blue-Jay]

5. Screw that! I'm not letting the fags have ALL the fun!

They already have most of the fun, anyhow. :(

[johnnie]

9. Lol, that's funny

From the testimonials:

"Zach P.: "Premarital sex isn't worth it! You can catch AIDS, or cancer, or testicle weevils, or a bad body image or rickets. You know what IS worth it? Making love to Jesus. Because you can't knock Him up and He'll never ask what you're thinking – cuz He already knows!"

[northzax]

19. Making love to Jesus

best masturbation euphemism EVER!

[iconoclastic cat]

11. That is one of the funniest damned things I've ever read.

I love parody. Thanks!

[davidinalameda]

14. it's a parody?

JUST JOKING!

:rofl:

[xchrom]

12. sex IS only for fags.

[iconoclastic cat]

17. "Eeew--you have a girlfriend? That is SO gay!"

</quote class="simpsons">

[SmileyBoy]

15. "I understand that abstaining from sex protects me from:"

"The regret and guilt caused by the disgusting, squishy act of stupid sex, which is basically like going to the toilet from the front side."

LOL!!!

[LeftyDarthBrodie]

16. Send this to homeschoolers everywhere!

[Initech]

18. Parody or not, I wouldnt be surprised if Fred Phelps was behind it

But it is pretty fucking funny!

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

[SarahB]

20. Oh my!

:spray:

[swimmernsecretsea]

21. Groinal Giblets!?!

I'm dyin'!:rofl:

[baby_mouse]

22. Fine by me

So when will you hets be sending me all your sex? I could do with some.