I already hate the Dukes of Hazzard movie

[Plaid Adder]

And I know nothing about it except what I learned from watching a stupid MTV show about the making of what looks to be a Godawful cover of "These Boots Were Made For Walkin'" by Jessica Simpson.

The video is to promote the movie, in which Jessica Simpson plays Daisy Duke. Now, I know this will shock some of you, but "The Dukes of Hazzard" is one of the shows I used to watch regularly when I was a kid. And I liked it. Boss Hogg, Roscoe P. Coltrane, Craaaaaaaaaaazy Cooter comin atcha, Enos and his big crush on Daisy, the whole thing. Had absolutely no clue about the connotations of the big Confederate flag or the fact that the car was named the General Lee. I just thought it was funny how they were always hopping in and out through the windows. My brother explained that this was because the doors were welded shut, presumably to make it more aerodynamic. I also liked the theme song and the voiceovers a lot. "Sometimes, a rabbit'll turn on the dog that's chasing him. They got some mean rabbits in Hazzard." Too bad they replaced Bo and Luke with Coy and Vance. They just should have quit while they were ahead.

And, I suppose, it is just possible that I got something out of watching Catherine Bach strut around in her long brown hair, high heels, and barely-legal cutoffs, even at that tender, heavily repressed and sublimated age.

Anyway. So, Jessica Simpson is playing Daisy Duke, and that's problem number one. The opening sequence of this little 'making of' documentary shows them shooting a part of the video which is just her wearing a string bikini and 'washing' the General Lee. Really when you come right down to it what she's doing is humping it, soapily, but anyway...so the opening shot shows her opening the driver side door and walking out.

THE GENERAL LEE'S DOORS DON'T OPEN!! ARGH!

OK, well, let's see what happens next...oh, look, she's doing her stripper moves, how cute. And now...now...we cut away from Jessica Simpson lying on the hood of the car with a blanket over her waiting for another round of soapy car-humping to begin to Jessica Simpson sitting in a chair talking with a completely straight face about how portraying the character of Daisy Duke has uncovered a womanly inner strength that she never knew she had.

At that point, I had to turn the TV off. Good Lord, honey, it's a movie of a TV show, not *The Cherry Orchard.* Anyway, didn't I just see you humping the Confederate flag?

OK, so, the video probably has nothing to do with the movie...except the one clip they do show has two guys making a lame joke about her T&A ("I notice your initials are double D...heh heh") and then her giving one of them a Crouching Tiger kick to the neck and then stepping on his neck while saying, "May I suggest the special, sir?" through clenched teeth. Even I would consider that a wee tad of an overreaction, but in any case, Jessica's delivery suggests she thinks she's Bruce Willis, and...well, I'm not gettin' a good vibe about this project.

Someone else go see it and tell me how it was,

The Plaid Adder

[distantearlywarning]

1. What really disturbed me about this video:

The fact that she carries a tray with a longneck on it through almost the entire thing (sans soapy car-humping shots), turning the tray sideways and at points almost upside down, and yet the beer stays on.

Magical beer magnet. (Or, in other words, is she too stupid to sing and carry a tray upright at the same time?) That's what bothers me.

[Plaid Adder]

I never made it to the Longneck Miracle.

I swear, after I turned it off, I actually said, out loud, "The skanky! It burns!"

*shudder*

The Plaid Adder

[Rising Phoenix]

60. Me too!!

Pisses me off to no end. I have to say when I was little I had a Daisy Duke Big Wheel. It was white and yellow and had a big yellow flag with her head on it flying way up high, I loved it and the show, but I have no desire to see this movie.

[swag]

2. Link to the video?

[rocktivity]

17. If you must

http://www2.warnerbros.com/dukesofhazzard/video.html

:headbang:
rocknation

[swag]

18. Oh, it is awful, innit?

Sorry that I asked.

[madinmaryland]

3. I never liked the TV show, so I probably wont see the movie either.

BTW, how's London? still over there?

[lectrobyte]

4. The door didn't open because the car was supposedly a race car and had

a roll cage welded inside. I loved the show as a young 'un, but it does seem like a crappy idea for a movie, especially now.

[Plaid Adder]

5. Ah. NOW I get it.

Thanks for the explanation. That never did make sense to me.

Basically, most of these 'let's cash in on 70s/80s nostalgia for TV' movies have sucked. The Starsky & Hutch movie was OK, but only because they didn't do it straight. I think this one's gonna be brutal.

C ya,

The Plaid Adder

[Telly Savalas]

30. The problem is that none of these movies bring anything new to the table.

The potential is there to make the Dukes of Hazzard a cool movie. It just needs a new spark. I'd suggest:

1. Having the Duke boys mistakenly eat psychedelic mushrooms about 15 minutes into the film, then the remainder of the movie would be like a hybrid of the original show, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, and Yellow Submarine.

2. Reworking it as a Japanese monster movie: The Duke Boys vs. Mothra.

3. Put William Shatner in it. Perhaps as Uncle Jesse.

4. Preferably, all of the above. I'd pay $10 to see that.

[lectrobyte]

33. I'd lean towards a more existential version...

Harry Dean Stanton as the out-of-place Uncle Jessie in the new South

Ed Norton as Bo

Matt Damon as Luke

script by Thomas Pynchon (in his Vineland phase)

soundtrack by the Drive-By Truckers (any phase)

That'd work for me.

[LSparkle]

6. Video sucks

Sorry but THAT's demeaning -- Jessica Simpson actually CAN sing but she prefers to strut around like that? Paris Hilton has no talent, so seeing her writhing around washing a car doesn't bug me half as much.

[Beetwasher]

7. Oh! PA, Say It Ain't So!!

MTV??? Dukes of Hazard specials???? Jessica Simpson???? My IQ goes down just thinking about it. That's what remotes are for! I thought you had better taste to begin with! ;-)

Do you really need someone to scope it out for you? It's a foregone conclusion that it will be worse than wretched. I think I'd rather have shingles than see that movie.

[Plaid Adder]

8. No, I don't really NEED it scoped out.

Shingles hurt! I've had them. Ow!

This is what happens to me when I'm away from my partner for more than a couple days. I start watching horrible TV at night because I don't want to go to sleep alone. Fortunately I should be home by Saturday. (Not still in London, but still not home.)

C ya,

The Plaid Adder

[Beetwasher]

16. LOL!

For the sake of all of us I hope she hurries home before your brain turns to jelly!

[Mojambo]

9. That movie is going to suck

But it's also going to provide some spectacular wack material for a whole generation of 13 year olds.

And that's a good thing, really.

[GCP]

10. I'm proud to say I never saw it and never will

It looked like pure shit all along.

[youspeakmylanguage]

31. It was a cult kids show...

I'm sure there was a television show you loved as a kid that was pure sh*t, critically speaking.

Did your parents wean you on "Masterpiece Theatre"?

[youspeakmylanguage]

11. Burt Reynolds as Boss Hogg was the iron bar...

:nuke:
...that broke the camel's back. When I saw him on the trailer I nearly choked on my popcorn. Who the hell thought he was right for this part?

I doubt he would have taken the roll, but to me Paul Giamatti was the only choice. Maybe Bob Hoskins...

:mad: ...BUT BURT F@#$@#ING REYNOLDS? Count me out, jack. :mad:

This might be the first time in my life that a horrific casting decision will cause me to boycott a movie.

[Plaid Adder]

13. BURT REYNOLDS?!?!?!!!

Oh my God, I didn't even know about that. That's awful! Bob Hoskins or Paul Giamatti would be good, but no doubt they could not be enticed. I thought for sure it would be John Goodman. Yeesh!!

The Plaid Adder

[youspeakmylanguage]

24. Yeah, it ruined the entire movie for me...

...I also think that Willie Nelson was the wrong choice for Uncle Jesse. He fits the part physically, but Uncle Jesse was a hardass and an intense, religious man. Willie Nelson, unless he pulls an Academy performance out of his rear, is going to be Willie Nelson. Uncle Jesse wasn't a pothead.

BTW, it's a privilege to have you answer one of my posts. You're a legend around here!
:toast:

[Hugin]

27. John Goodman would've been... o.k.

Or that Tom Arnold(?) guy.

[youspeakmylanguage]

29. Based on his performance in Private Parts...

I believe Paul Giamatti would have stolen the show.

[JVS]

49. Good choice

[JVS]

48. Goodman is way too tall to play Boss Hogg

[Atlas Mugged]

34. Horrific casting and boycotting a movie....

My first was Tom Cruise in 'Eyes Wide Shut'. I love Kubrick's films, but I refused to see his last film based soley on the stunt casting. Oh, and the reviews said it blew major suckage.

[rocktivity]

52. I think I know why Burt Reynolds got the part

There would not have been a Dukes of Hazzard if there hadn't been a Smokey And The Bandit.

:headbang:
rocknation

[youspeakmylanguage]

53. So why didn't they cast him as Daisy Duke?

He would have been just as appropriate for that role as Boss Hogg.

[rocktivity]

12. I still haven't recovered from the Mission Impossible movie

The second I heard that Tom Cruise would be Jim Phelps, I lost interest. Now he's going to save the world in War Of The Worlds.

:headbang:
rocknation

[DontBlameMe]

61. Nope.

Jon Voight played Phelps. Sorry, not to be picky.

[On the Road]

14. I Have Nothing Against Jessica Simpson, but

she is NOT the right person to sing "These Boots are Made for Walking."

I just realized how much I appreciate what Nancy Sinatra brought to that song.

[Plaid Adder]

15. Oh, I forgot to mention that Jessica rewrote the lyrics

to be "from Daisy Duke's perspective."

*shudder*

The Plaid Adder

[On the Road]

19. Uh Oh!

Now I'm really not going to see it.

She probably can't even say "Hunh!" with any conviction. (As in "you been thinking that you'll never get burned -- hunh!"

[youspeakmylanguage]

26. Nancy Sinatra wasn't exactly the Beatles...

...and the orginal song wasn't exactly "Sgt. Pepper".

What's wrong with a vapid pop singer redoing and rewriting a throw-away pop song from the 60s?

[On the Road]

32. It's Not Sacrosanct or Anything,

but I can't imagine the remake will be up to the original. I actually like that song -- it had a certain cultural resonance when it came out, even if it was used to advertise tires. I like that long descending bass line and the horns.

Nancy Sinatra may have been white bread, but she did a few good songs. She obviously inherited something. Didn't she do a version of "Jackson" with someone, too? That was good.

[Atlas Mugged]

37. Lee Hazelwood?

I'm genuinely ashamed that I know that. I'm more ashamed that I don't know WHY I know that.

Nancy is a major Bush supporter, btw.

[On the Road]

38. Could Be

Point is, "Boots" and "Jackson" have a tough kind of white-trash attitude I don't hear in Top-40 songs any more. For all the sexuality and bad language today (which I don't care about one way or the other), pop music has gotten awfully tepid.

[donco6]

42. No way!

That's like rewriting the National Anthem.

Well, if you're a lesbian.

And don't flame me for that, either, because you all know it's true.

[MN ChimpH8R]

44. Nancy looked and sounded

like a tough/cool New York or Philly chick with major attitude even though she was a Hollywood baby. I've never heard Jessica Simpson (for which I am thankful) but no way in hell is a blonde bubblehead Pam Anderson wannabee gonna begin to cut on Nancy.

[JVS]

50. The tune is different and the words are changed

At what point do these changes add up to not being a remake?

[Dukkha]

20. this movie is a perfect addition

to one of the shittiest movie years ever! It will tank after the first week and disappear like the other remakes, which make up half the movies released this summer.

and they wonder why people are staying away in droves. :eyes:

[Hugin]

21. The *real* problem...

Jessica Simpson and the rest are *way* too short.

I lost interest when I heard it was her as Daisy Duke.

Stats:

Name: Jessica Simpson
Birth Name: Jessica Ann Simpson
Height: 5' 3"
Sex: F
Nationality: American
Birth Date: July 10, 1980

Full Name: Catherine Bach
Height: 5' 8"
Birthplace: Warren, Ohio, USA
Date of Birth: 1 March 1954

Yeah, I'm a heightist.

[ladeuxiemevoiture]

22. Hilarious!

:D

I'll never, ever forget as long as I live that little special "special" they did on J. Simpson (on VH-1) and how she tried and tried and tried SO HARD :( to make it big in Christian music, but big baddy, waddy manly men just wouldn't LET her, so she just HAD to sell out and go mainstream. Well, I hate to break it to anyone, but she's gone way beyond that almost to Pamela Anderson-land. I guess maybe that's next.

[Divameow77]

23. Get used to it

Jessica Simpson is everywhere and she probably will be for awhile. Great PR person.

[tjdee]

25. Cooter hated it, and is telling people to stay away from it.

Here's the story on it:
""Basically, they trashed our show," said Jones, who now lives in the mountains of Washington, Va. "It's one thing to do whatever movie they want to do, but to take a classic family show and do that is like taking "I Love Lucy" and making her a crackhead or something."

Jones said he read a script of the movie, which is scheduled to be released next month, and that it contained profanity, "constant sexual innuendo and some very clear sexual situations."

On Wednesday, Jones wrote an open letter to fans on his web site, cootersplace.com, urging them to stay away."


http://www.usatoday.com/life/movies/news/2005-07-13-cooter-dukes_x.htm?csp=34

[youspeakmylanguage]

28. I just found out Jay Chandrasekhar directed it...

For those of you not in the know, he is a member of Broken Lizard (Super Troopers, Club Dread) and the director of both of those movies.

This means that this Dukes remake may either turn into a cult classic (Super Troopers) or a bargain bin disaster (Club Dread).

[lectrobyte]

35. Wow. Super Troopers is one of my all time favorites. It might

be worth checking out in that case. Did you say meow?

[youspeakmylanguage]

36. Meow that's just rude...

Don't put words in my mouth!

[donco6]

41. No meow why?

God that was the funniest scene in the whole movie. Too bad it went downhill from there.

[lildreamer316]

45. The next person to say shennanigans...

Love it love it.

The snozzberries taste like snozzberiess!

[ghostsofgiants]

51. I think we know which of those to it will be

[Tyrone Slothrop]

54. Jay's a pretty good director

He's also directed several episodes of Arrested Development.

[neuvocat]

39. I started hating it when I saw the preview.

You just end up hating all the characters regardless of who they are.

[donco6]

40. The T&A joke.

Now, this may be sexist, BUT, if you worked in a bar, dressed in the now-archtypical manner of Daisy Duke, wouldn't you expect a Double D joke now and then? I mean, really.

If I'm wrong, lemme have it.

But really. . .

[lildreamer316]

43. Well; did you HEAR what her dad said about vid?

You won't believe this shit!!

Her (jess simpson)dad is a MINISTER and alot of Christian groups have been denouncing the video as too sexy, because they always looked up to Simpson; when she was younger she was a Christian singer. So her dad goes on TV to refute the "too sexy" claims and says that she is not being untrue to her roots or portraying anything sexual. Interspersted with this interview are clips of the video.

Ok. Right.

WHATEVER. I was so flabbergasted I just stared at the screen for 10 min. like a dumbass.
I'ts like they have the gall to tell me that my eyes are lying to me!

[Dukkha]

56. The so-called minister pimps her like a whore

another sleazy parent pushing their kid into show biz. He even made her sign some pledge to stay a virgin until marriage. e once commented that he was proud of her breasts. She's now a poster child of right wing hypocrisy.

Wouldn't be surprised if there was some hidden incest there.

[Plaid Adder]

62. Even worse--he was on set during the car-humping sequence shoot.

And he had a shit-eating grin on his face. When asked what he thought of it, he said, "I think she looks great," as the shit eating grin got wider.

*ick* *ick* *ick*

The Plaid Adder

[Blue Gardener]

46. They forgot to give her a pole to dance around

If you're going to dance like a sleazy stripper don't you need a pole?
And, this video is way beneath Willie Nelson. What the hell was he thinking?

[Coventina]

47. I hate Hate HATE Jessica Simpson

To me she is a walking case of VD.

:puke:

I consider myself a pacifist, but I really have to fight my "dark side" when I see her.

She must remind me of someone in a past life or something.

[kittenpants]

55. the remake of that song is soooo awful it almost ruins the original.

it's like oldies/rap/country in a whiny whisper voice. Yet another reason to dislike Jessica Simpson.

[LynneSin]

57. What's amazing about the Jessica Simpson story is this....

...her daddy is an ex-preacher and now manages her career (along with sister Ashlee). When Jessica first was getting into the industry she made a big deal about how she was a good Christian girl saving herself for marriage.

Fast Forward to today and she's humping a dodge charge with the confederate flag painted on top. And the scary thing is it's her DAD that's managing her and helping her make these career choices

But what irritates me the most about the video - What the hell was Willie Nelson thinking when he signed on to this project :crazy:

[Doctor_J]

58. And let's not forget this peral of wisdom from the preacher-pimp

http://www.realityblurred.com/realitytv/archives/newlyweds_nick_and_jessica/2004_Dec_15_joe_simpson_gq

[ronnykmarshall]

59. Nancy Sinatra should sue ....

Jessica Simpson is a piece of crap. How dare that ho bag record that song.