Moving To Florida (FUNNY)

[matcom]

received via email :D

Subject: Moving to Florida

April 30th: Dear diary:
Florida is fantastic! Just got here and love it already. Now this is a state that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place! Watched the sunset from a park lying on a blanket. It was beautiful.
I've finally found my home. I love it here.

May 14th:
Really heating up. Got to 89 today. Not a problem, I live in an air-conditioned home and drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I'm turning into a real sun worshipper.

June 5th:
Had the backyard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of palms and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing for me. NO MORE SHOVELING SNOW EITHER! Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

July 1st:
The temperature hasn't been below 90 all week, not even at night. Where are
those ocean breezes we heard about, still seems hot. Getting used to it will take a while, I guess. I sure miss my LP collection, though. I'll have to remember not to leave anything made out of plastic in my car. Got one of those fuzzy steering wheel covers, cheaper than the burn ointment for my hands. I always wondered what burnt flesh smelled like.

July 15th:
Fell asleep by the pool. (Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body.) Missed two days of work, what a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though: got
to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.

July 20th:
I miss our cat, Tabby. He snuck into the car when I left this morning. By
the time I got out to the hot car for lunch,he'd swollen up to the size of
shopping bag and just as I opened the door he exploded all over $2,000
worth of leather upholstery. I told the kids he ran away. The car now smells like Kibble and poop. No more pets in this heat!

July 25th:
Ocean breezes, my ass. Hot is hot!! The home air conditioner is on the fritz and AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts. Only hope for a break in the heat would be a hurricane.

July 30th:
Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights now. Swatting the swamp
mosquitoes that are as big as B-52's. $1,500 in darn house payments and we
can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here?

Aug 4th:
100 degrees. Finally got the air conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to about 90. The electric bill is almost as much as the house payment. And two old lady drivers almost ran me off the road.I hate this state.

Aug 8th:
If another wise jerk cracks, "Hot enough for you today?" I'm going to tear his head off. Damn heat! By the time I get to work, the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like roasted Garfield!!

Aug 10th:
The weather report might as well be a damn recording: Hot and sunny. It's
been too hot for two #@*& months and the weatherman says it might really
warm up next week. And whoever came up with the statement, "it may be hot,
but at least you don't have to shovel it" should die from heat exhaustion.
Doesn't it ever rain in this God-forsaken place??

Aug 14th:
Welcome to Hell!!! Temperature got to 102 today. Forgot to crack the window and blew the windshield out of the Lincoln. The installer came to fix it
and said, "Hot enough for you today?". My wife had to spend the $1,500 house payment to bail me out of jail.

Aug 30th:
Worst day of the summer. I'm not leaving the house.The monsoon rains finally came and all they did is to make it muggier than hell and drove the damned roaches out of the ground. I wasn't aware they could fly! The Lincoln is now floating somewhere in the Caribbean with its new $500 windshield. That does it, we're moving back to New York where all you have to worry about is getting mugged.
I hope this state breaks in half and floats to Cuba

[no name no slogan]

1. I thought you meant the Butthole Surfers song

Well, well I been movin' down to Florida.
And I'm gonna bowl me a perfect game.
Well I'm gonna cut off my leg down in Florida, child.
And I'm gonna dance one-legged off in the rain.
Now, they say that Sidney Poitier was a blind man.
And they say that LBJ was a Soviet Jew.
When I go down Florida Way,
They're ain't no kind of sexual healing that I would not, could not, should
Not do, stick it right here.
Well I been movin' down to Florida.
I'm gonna potty train the chairman Mao.
I'm gonna make the governor write my doodoo a letter, child.
And I'm gonna grind me up a White Castle side out of India's sacred cow.
Well, I been movin' down Florida Way,
And I'm gonna build me the atomic bomb.
Well, I'm gonna hold time hostage down in Florida, child.
Ain't nobody, said ain't nobody gonna tell me what to do. Right here.
By this time I guess you've figured out about Florida.
Drink the muddy water in the Vaseline stain.
They be makin' tadpoles the size of Americans down in Florida.
That be tellin' Julio Iglesias what to sing, now.
Now, whoever said that Sidney Poitier was a blind man,
Knew the same of Elvis Presley, too.
When I go down Florida Way,
Ain't nobody, said ain't nobody gonna tell me what to do. Right here.
Well I been goin' down to Florida.
Pole cats lie naked in the Seminole sin.
When I go down Florida Way,
Like Vince, I wanna' win.
Well I went down to Florida.
I got away.
I took the children down to Florida.
I stuck the dick down the drain.
Get that boy down to Florida.
Give him a switch blade.
Tell him what to do.

[Midlodemocrat]

2. That's pretty funny. And IIRC, pretty accurate.

at least about Miami. Hot. Hot. Hot.

[Reverend_Smitty]

3. Funny because it's true

I lived in Florida for a few years and it really made me appreciate the northeast that much more. However the weather we've been experiencing the last couple of weeks is quite comparable to Florida weather

[SeanQuinn]

9. I'm the other way around.

I'm enjoying the hot, steamy weather, but I don't miss the NJ snow or sleet at all. I'd still not mind moving back up.

[brainshrub]

4. I was raised in SoFla. This is spot-on.

[KG]

5. you know what's funny?

i live in FL, but i grew up in DC. worked outside in 95 - 100 degree weather w/ oppressive humidity in the summers there.

i find very little difference between DC summers and FL summers. but i damn sure don't miss shoveling snow and sliding sideways down icy streets. and FL summers nothing like arizona summers, FL is the tropics, but AZ is the fucking desert.

[gristy]

6. What's with the "monsoon" reference?

The monsoon rains finally came and all they did is to make it muggier than hell

I noticed this elsewhere recently. I think the other time the writer was talking about the "monsoons" in Phoenix.

Before last week, I had never seen any written reference to "monsoons" in the United States. Is this a new meme?

[XemaSab]

7. not new

just a local usage.

[Patiod]

8. And this is different from Philadelphia in July & August how?

The Declaration of Independence almost didn't get approved, what with folks being cranky from the heat the the humidity. It's damned swampy.

But at least no hurricanes.

[RebelOne]

12. It's different in that it's that way practically all year round.

[LibertyLover]

10. Moving to Florida

My friend who lives in Florida sent this to me the other day - except she had changed it to Arizona (and made the appropriate required editorial changes) LOL.

[RebelOne]

11. That is too, too funny because I can relate to all of it.

I lived in South Florida all of my life and finally wised up and moved here to North Georgia. It gets hot in the summer, but at least we only have 3 months of heat and not year-round summer like in South Florida.

[GOPisEvil]

13. Sounds like Texas, too.

:shrug:

[ihaveaquestion]

14. This must be describing Miami - Tampa is a bit better.

It clouds up by noon and rains by 5pm almost every afternoon here. This cools it off a bit, but it's still muggy!

BTW, Tampa is the lightening center of this hemisphere and #2 in the world! #1 is somewhere in Africa. We get LOTS of lightening - sometimes 1000 (not a typo - that's one thousand) strikes in an hour!