Can a relationship survive domestic violence?

[Champ]

I know most relationships stay together after a violent episode but from what I've seen the relationships becomes even more destructive. I think some may stay because they remember how things once were before what happened and can somehow feel like they can overlook that. The ones that justify the abuse are doomed immediately.

Speaking from personal experience, I've left SO's immediately after one became violent with me. (did not become violent with her or was even speaking in an aggressive tone, I wanted answers that I wasn't getting and that probaly set her off) Well actually there was 2, one actually attacked me and the other just threatened too.(for the dumbest of all reasons) Either way it is something I can't tolerate and it shows a lack of respect for the person they're involved with. If I were to continue I'd feel like it wouldn't be good for me because I would not ever be able to overlook that and it would constantly be in the back of my mind.

What are you thoughts? Do you think it is possible for a relationship to recover from something like this and regain the mutual respect for each other? If so, how?

[Shell Beau]

1. I don't think I would stay with a violent person. But

I think that people can be helped, and if the violent person is willing to be helped and goes through anger management and counseling and such, then and only then is it a possibility.

[Champ]

2. I can see that

Reminds me of an incident where NBA player Jason Kidd hit his wife only one time. He agreed to anger management and counseling and have been together ever since without a reported incident.

[Shell Beau]

5. Violence is taught a lot of the times.

People like that do need help. And I think lots of it. But both partners have to be willing to work through it.

[goddess40]

9. sometimes on hit is enough

the abused knows the person has crossed the line and may do so again -the threat is always there. Something that must be really hard to overcome, how do you trust someone again after they hit you?

[Shell Beau]

15. That is the hard part. And that is why both couples

would have to be willing to work through it and both should be willing to have counseling. Trust is hard to build back up once broken.

[Silverhair]

4. Self delete - duplicate

[Shell Beau]

8. Of course it is strictly situational!

[Silverhair]

11. Sorry. I response posted to the wrong post.

You and I are in complete agreeement.

[Shell Beau]

14. No problem!

[goddess40]

3. Not likely

If you've had two winners you might need to examine why you pick who you pick.

The only therapy that seems to show any effect is group therapy with fellow abusers. They can see through the bullshit and manipulation that abusers are sooooo good at. In combination with that there is a one year no contact with the SO - BOTH parties really have to want this to make it work and they both have to understand that the other is likely to give up before the year is out.

Abuse going either direction is hard to understand but I think it is based on sense of ownership rather than real love.

[Silverhair]

6. It depends.

One or two episodes, fairly mild, and BOTH parties start counselling, then the relationship has a decent chance.

More episodes, or worst episodes and the relationship is likely doomed.

[brainshrub]

7. I think once a relationship has had violence, it's over.

It's all on a case-by-case basis; however, as a rule: No.

If the abuser is willing to change, goes to counseling and takes anger management classes he might be be able to have a healthy relationship with someone else someday.

[Champ]

13. It's not always a 'he'

There have been reports of domestic violence towards men. Just one thing I notice, everytime I visit a domestic violence website it is usually aimed towards women. I've had one woman become violent with me and I didn't even raise a hand. I only suffered a few scratches but it could've been much worse. My point is domestic violence can go both ways.

[brainshrub]

18. I knew someone was going to mention that.

And I agree that it's possible that women can be abusive toward their male partners. It should be addressed with equal seriousness.

Since the overwhelming cases of abuse are directed onto women by their male partners, I think it's okay to say "he."

[Champ]

20. It's ok

My topic was meant for domestic violence in general, not just 'can a relationship survive a domestic violent episode towards a female partner?'

I understand that overwhelming cases are directed onto women by male partners. I wanted to address the act itself and what it would take for the relationship to overcome that and become fulfilling at the same time.

[brainshrub]

24. My original comment would work both ways.

IMO, a woman who beats her spouse has ended the relationship.

[Coventina]

10. I think relationships can survive most things.

But domestic violence is incredibly destructive and as other posters have stated, the abuser has to WANT to change. Not many of them do.

My personal code has been, three strikes and you're out.
That's probably too lenient for a lot of people, but it's worked for me.

My DH has never hit me, except when I asked for it, but that's in a different context. ;-)

[Left_Winger]

12. My ex-wife did a 'Jekyll and Hyde' on me after we married

and became violent. As she was raised in a violent, abusive home (something I did not learn about until it was too late, should have got to know her better). She became even more so when she learned I would not respond in kind. The worst thing I ever did was block a swing or two, then she would kick me. I left four days after our second anniversary.

[goddess40]

19. That's usually how it happens

sorry you had such a bad experience. She wouldn't have allowed you to get to know her better before the I do's so don't be to hard on yourself just be glad you were strong enough to get out.

[Left_Winger]

23. Thanks for the understanding

However because of this and other experiences since then I am now wary of romantic relationships. I was involved in one not too long ago before I found out she was married. Cripes!

[Taverner]

16. Depends on the violence, and the relationship

If the abuser is an alchoholic, and they quit drinking - you might be able to get past it.

If the abuse is part of the abuser's sober, everyday personality - however - all bets are off.

[donco6]

17. Not for me.

Even a hint of it, and I would be packing. No chance, no how.

[kick-ass-bob]

21. Can it? Or should it?

It can, but it probably shouldn't.

[Cathyclysmic]

22. The real question is

are the two of you equally committed to changing the dynamics of your relationship...lots of work. And since it involves two people, both need to be both willing to work at it.

[VelmaD]

25. Nope

I don't think so. I know that if a man ever even thought about hitting me I'd be out the door so fast it would make his head spin. If he managed to actually lay a hand on me he'd learn real quick how it felt to be on the recieving end...I have a tire iron and I know how to use it.

[Champ]

27. Any man who has ever hit me

Has got something in return. However when I woman hits me I just can't even find it in myself to hit back, I don't even have urges too.

I guess the situation I'm referring to is I could've easily overpowered her but choose not to.

[VelmaD]

28. Well, I come from the school of thought where...

you never start a fight, but if someone else starts one you damn sure finish it. I've never hit someone (other than my brother when we were kids) who didn't take a swing at me first.

[fudge stripe cookays]

26. Generally I say no.

But I hit a man once, and he freaking deserved it. This was upon breaking up though, so it doesn't count.

No one, and I mean NO ONE calls their girlfriend, drunk and depressed at 3 AM, to tell her he is breaking up with her.

The only phone calls you get at 3 in the morning are when somebody has died. I thought my grandmother had left us....my heart was pounding so hard I couldn't think. I was so freaked out. And so f'ing pissed at him I could have killed him. And of course I could NOT get back to sleep all night.

He drove over to return my stuff the next day and I nailed him openhanded as hard as I could.

Believe it or not, we did get back together a couple months later, and promptly broke up the final time (we tried 3 times to make it work-- I don't think 2 people could BE more unsuited). I was a complete idiot where he was concerned. I was glad when I finally grew up enough to dump him for good.

Believe it or not, we're friends now.

[sui generis]

29. I would agree

the two prior relationships I had one involved an ACOA (adult child of alcoholic) who used that as an excuse for everything, including (attempted) violence and other destructive activities, and the other one was someone who had a seizure disorder, depression from the seizure medication, anxiety from the depression medication, severe random narcosis from all the medication, and a bit cranky from the uppers he was taking to stay awake during the day when the downers he took to sleep at night hadn't worn off, plus he was an asshole before he ever took his first pill of the day, and still is.

Silly me, I was an optimist "we can get through this" for ten years of that crap.

[fudge stripe cookays]

31. Yikes!

Yay us for coming out on the other sides of THOSE relationships!

FSC

[sui generis]

32. but it was worth it - look what I ended up with!

you too (:hi: reprehensor)

[fudge stripe cookays]

34. Yup!

We got lucky!

:hi: hotties!
FSC

[caty]

30. I couldn't stay with anyone who

abused or cheated on me. If I can't trust him--I can't respect him. If I can't respect him--how could I love him?:shrug:

[happyslug]

33. The real issue is what caused the Violence.

In most abusive relationships the Violence is only a means of control,. control is the real goal of the abuser. Abuse actually decreases as the abused become more and more the puppet of the abuser (and increases as the abused tries at any time to show signs of being independent of the abuser).

Thus most abusive situations have to break up, the abused just can not stay a mere puppet and still be a Human being while the abuser must control. Thus something has to give.

Now I have seen some abusive relationships last for years, as the abused becomes more and more the puppet of the abuser. As the abused becomes more and more a puppet the relationship survives. The problem is that such "stable" abusive relationships is that they can NOT withstand any form of stress and the nature of the relationship just breeds stress. Thus my point that sooner or later the relationship must end, it is to fragile to survive.

One last comment on "Stable" Abusive relationships, the people who tend to abuse also tend to get into fights in bars and otherwise known in the community to be violent. It is rare for me to file a Protections from Abuse (PFA) against someone who is NOT known to the local Sheriff 's office (Based on the abuser's violent history). Thus the abusers have a tendency to be arrested for other crimes in addition to abuse. These arrest forces the abuse to be independent (Someone has to buy the groceries) which causes stress whenever the Abuser gets out of Jail. Thus most abusive relationships are NOT sustainable over the long run, sooner or later the abused has to be Independent, and that independence is what the abuse is intended to end. This conflict produces stress which leads to more abuse and sooner or later the ending of the relationship.

Now, I do NOT include an occasional spat or argument or sometimes (rarely) even fist-a-cuffs in the "Abuse" mentioned above (When I mean rare, I mean almost never and than minor compare to true physical abuse). While these are abuse and can be the means to control, most relationships do have they downsides which the parties must work out between themselves. Sometimes these disputes can get hot and out of hand and more than words are said (But again it is rare, most people stop while before the argument gets physical).

The difference between an abusive relationship and a relationship that is just having a severe argument is one of intent and degree. Did the dispute raise out of a real disagreement or is the dispute just an excuse to abuse? Sometime it is difficult to tell the difference but most couples do. How do they? Simple the spat is a RARE event that often shocks both parties and both parties then they work together to first figure out HOW the Spat went to that extreme AND than to try to make sure it does not happen again. This is unlike abusive relationships where the same pattern occurs but the abuse keeps occurring with the abuser unwilling to change (For the abuse is the abuser's means of Control, not a spat between partners).

The key difference is the couple working together? Or is the relationship one sided? If it is the later you have an abusive relationship, if it is the former just the occasional spats between partners who may have serious disagreement on how the relationship is going, but are working together to keep the relationship.

[MountainLaurel]

35. A phrase I saw once

In a book written by a man who had witness violence throughout his parents' marriage:

The first time it happens, you're a victim; the second time, you're a volunteer.

For me, that would be it.

[ladeuxiemevoiture]

36. I don't really believe that someone who's old enough

to be involved in a relationship who becomes violent (at some point) is someone who is really capable of learning how to change in order to come to respect the other person.

There are exceptions, but I believe they are rare exceptions.

[progmom]

37. I'd have to think twice about infidelity

But violence would drive me away.

[BiggJawn]

38. No.

I'm with you, Champ.

I tried for YEARS to make a go of it, and it wasn't until she finally found someone else she'd rather play with and kicked me to the curb that I got wise.

These days, first sign of abuse and I'll be *SO* gone!

[BlueIris]

39. Just for the official record: Can it survive? Sure. Should it? No.

There's no way I think it would be healthy for a couple to stay together after one partner has been violent with the other, or they have hurt each other in that way. Violence breaks the social contract adults make with each other to act in a civilized fashion and that's why violence is against the law. In an intimate relationship, loss of love or emotional/intellectual respect, which is a basic element of togetherness (and decency toward others), is enough of a valid reason to end it. Violence? Nope. That should be it. Trying to "forgive," and "accept" the violent person's actions--okay, especially for those to whom forgiveness (of an offender) is an important part of psychological and spiritual health (for the injured) alright, I guess I don't necessarily think it's unhealthy or negative for people to want to work for that. But not in the context of continuing the relationship in which the violence occurred. Maybe the victim doesn't need to think of the abuser as a terrible person for the rest of her life, but I think she DOES need to draw the line at continuing to try to love that person. In my way of thinking and learning, that ultimately validates the violent person's crime. Also? For me personally, I would never even think about "forgiving" a person who had inflicted violence on me. That person broke the law, and it would no longer be good for me to expose myself to danger by being around that individual. That would not be self-loving, self-respecting, dignified, productive or anything else positive. It would be evil.

[GoddessOfGuinness]

40. Yes...Speaking from experience.

My father was physically and emotionally abusive with my mother and with us. It wasn't the horror story of tabloids, but it was still a nightmare for all of us.

Eventually he figured out that he'd need to do something about his anger or risk losing his family. So he got counseling, and my mother stuck by him. The bravest thing a person can do is admit and confront their most serious flaws. As my father confronted his abusiveness, my mother worked hard to learn how to avoid being victimized.

Forgiveness comes easier when a victim realizes that their oppressor was most likely abused himself/herself as a child, or suffered some sort of trauma that continues to affect him/her. It was this recognition combined with my father's willingness to change his behavior that allowed my parents' marriage to continue on an even deeper level of intimacy than it had before. They still argued, and they still became annoyed with each other. But self and mutual respect thrived after therapy, where before there was none.

Staying together must be a choice, of course; and nobody should be faulted for choosing to terminate an abusive relationship.

[KitchenWitch]

41. This is MHO:

I do not believe a relationship can survive domestic violence without some serious therapy for both members of the relationship. Once violence occurs in a relationship, if the relationship is not ended, it enters a cycle of calm - ramping up - then violent - then calm again...each act of violence seems to escalate higher.

Also, I read somewhere that the most dangerous time for a person in a violent relationship is when he/she is leaving the relationship, since many of the violent members of the relationship have an attitude of "If I can't have him/her, No one else will."

[LeftyMom]

42. I don't think it's worth waiting around to find out

Maybe in a situation where many years later they got thier shit together and tried to give it another go.

There would need to be a lot of time for someone who had hurt me to regain my trust, if they ever could.

[BlueIris]

43. May I just tell you all...

that I am so happy this thread was not hijacked by...those people? That everyone who has posted in here has chosen to be at least perfunctorily respectful of the opinions of others? Why can't ALL DU threads be like this?

[Ariana Celeste]

44. I've been in one physically abusive relationship.

Many emotionally abusive ones, but only one physically abusive one. He never hit me, but he would push me around a bit and liked to grab me by the wrist a lot.
I'm the type of person that when I get really angry, I walk away for awhile so I can have the solitude necessary for me to be rational, think clearly, and figure out- is it me, or is it them, or is it both, and what do I do.
This guy, however, I'm guessing must have enjoyed anger. Because he wouldn't let me walk away. The first time he grabbed me by the wrist and refused to let me walk away, I dealt with it, and told him that I will never allow him to do that to me again.
Well, I made the mistake of letting him get away with it a second time. We argued all the time by that point (and we had only been together in person for a few weeks by this point, started as an internet relationship.), and I should have known better by this time. But, I was 16 and refused to admit that I could be wrong about how I thought I felt. I have always been stubborn, unfortunately even in times like this.
The third time... we were in a yelling match about something stupid. I walked away from him and ran across the street so I could sit in the park and think. Once I had gotten across the street, he grabbed me by the wrist and screamed at me that I was "being an immature little bitch." I punched him in the face. Broke his nose.
He was losing weight in order to join the Navy and was in constant contact with his recruiter- so I stuck by him for next couple of weeks so that he could continue using my fathers home to get into the Navy. By this point, I had decided that I didn't love him like I had thought, realized his abusive nature wasn't going to change. I was angry with myself for allowing any of it to happen in the first place. But I sucked it up for a couple more weeks so that he could get into the military, out of my state, and out of my life. After punching him in the face, he no longer put his hands on me. But I acted as if nothing had changed.
After he left for training or whatever, I moved back to my mother's house and started living my life as if I had never met this guy. The first time he tried to contact me after he had left for the Navy, i told him it was over.
We still talk sometimes.

Grabbing me by the wrist like that was something that hurt me far beyond what I ever thought it could. I felt like I was being raped in a way. I don't know if that makes sense. But it made me feel sick, helpless. I will never allow a man, or a woman, to touch me like that again.

On edit: It was a phonecall a couple of years after the fact that he had told me his nose was broken. Regardless, I made him a bloody mess and don't regret it for a second, even today.

[Modem Butterfly]

45. Sure a relationship can survive. But SHOULD it?

I say no.

[Wish Upon A Star]

46. Absolutely not.

If anyone became violent with me they'd be lucky to still be alive.

Whenever I find myself in a situation, I'd worry about my life being threatened and I can't say that I won't find a way to end his life to protect my own.

You can never tell how these kind of things are going to escalate.

[lukasahero]

47. No

I don't believe that abusers are capable of changing their behavior with someone they've already been abusing. I believe they MAY be able to change their behavior and have a healthy relationship in the future IF they are truly willing to see the monster they have become for themselves but don't believe that's possible with the person they've already abused.

The problem is how can the abused EVER trust the abuser when part of the abuse cycle is the abuser PROMISING over and over again to change but never doing so. Continuing the relationship is to continue the abuse. There is no alternative in my mind.

I also want to suggest that everyone who thinks they know what they would do if ever faced with such a situation might not want to be so confident. I used to say the same things. No one gets in an abusive relationship on purpose. One of the reason they're so difficult to get out of is because they are so insidious.