Comedy: If Bill Bennett Wrote an Advice Column

[The Donkey]

Dear Bill Bennett,

I’ve been feeling pretty guilty about some of the things I’ve been doing lately. I know you’re not a priest, but I feel like I can count on you to make me feel better for all of the awful things I do.

First of all, abused the legal system to make sure we won the 2000 election. It worked so well that I did it again in 2004, even though I felt bad about it.



Everything I Do is Good, Right?


I lied to the world and pressured all of my allies to send a bunch of kids into a war that wasn’t necessary, but the people who support me the most have gotten stinky rich over it.

I spend money like it’s going out of style, especially when the money isn’t mine in the first place.

I talk about how appalled I am about gay people, just to get support from a bunch of religious kooks, even though I really don’t have anything against gays. They’re just a convenient way to make my life easier. I also act like I’m more pious than other people for the same reason – it works really well, but I know I shouldn’t exploit other people’s faith for my own gain.

I lie. A lot. Really! I lie so much that what I’m telling you right now might be a lie. If I told you I was a pathological liar, don’t believe it.

I take money away from kids, poor people, and old people and give it to my rich friends so that they can grow businesses that hurt kids, poor people, and old people.

I’m at least partly responsible for letting our environment get so dirty, that it might be too late to repair things around the world. When people complain to me about it, I pretend that I don’t believe in global warming, even though I know it’s real and dangerous.

Most of all, I feel guilty because I used to have honor. I used to stand for something – living a moral life. Being good to people. Being thrifty. Staying out of other people’s affairs. Now I’m the opposite, and most people haven’t figured it out.

Can you help me? I’d like to get my soul back. I’d like to be able to have honest debates with people who disagree with me, instead of using lies to humiliate them at all costs. I’ve read your book – you seem like a good guy. Thanks in advance.

Sincerely,

Tacitly Having Extraordinary Guilt Over Principles



Dear THE GOP,

I know you. I’ve championed you for years. I’ve practically sold my soul (if it exists) just to make you successful. It’s worked! Don’t question it.

I know why you feel bad. Sometimes it’s not easy when your actions always go the opposite way of your words. Just remember, it doesn’t matter if you think you are a good person or not. What’s important is that other people think that you’re a good person. If you get unlucky and people discover what you really are, just deny it and let the heat die down, and go back to what you were doing before. It worked with me! It’s also worked for guys like Bill O’Reilly, Rush Limbaugh, G. Gordon Liddy and countless others who have made lucrative careers telling the world that you can do no wrong.

The trick is to keep telling yourself that you’re good. Eventually even you’ll end up believing it. Other people will be amazed at your steadfastness in the face of “adversity”, but you’ll eventually figure out that any hardships that come your way aren’t your fault. It will always be solely the doing of the Democratic party, and other people who hate America.

Always remember – You are THE GOP. Everything you do is so good that it is beyond questioning. People will challenge you only because they are jealous, and are the opposite of whatever good is.

This philosophy has carried me through my life with great success. I suggest you use it to reach even greater heights in the future. You’ve got countless legions of supporters in THE GOP that will defend you no matter what you ever do. Use them as much as you can.

I hope that helps. I’ll see you soon! Bring another one of those checks, please! I’ve got a slot machine calling my name, and my books aren’t selling like they used to.

[Rabrrrrrr]

1. Beautiful!

You caught every bit of hypocrisy and bullshit.

:applause:

[The Donkey]

2. Thanks

I felt it needed to be said :)

[Rabrrrrrr]

3. It also needs to be kicked