Am I cold hearted?

[caty]

I have a half sister from my mother's first marriage. Ann is ten years older than I am, and I didn't even know she existed until I was eight years old and she was eighteen. She lived with her father because we moved around a lot, but even when we were in the area where she lived, she never wanted to come and spend time with us. I've probably only seen her a dozen times in my life. We have nothing in common.

My mother passed away several year ago, and last summer Ann called me up and invited me to have lunch with her and I accepted. The lunch was going pretty well as we caught each other up on what was going on in our lives. I was thinking that I wouldn't mind us doing this two or three times a year. And then she said that her husband was having trouble seeing when he drove and she wanted me to start driving her around. Before I could say no, she went on about places I could drive her to, so I didn't agree or disagree. She has five grown married children. They can drive her where she needs to go. It really turned me off as far as having a relationship with her. In my mind, I know she's my sister, but in my heart I don't. She is just an acquaintance to me. I send her a x-mas card every year and that's all the relationship I want with her.

She called today and when I saw her name on my phone ID I didn't answer. She left a message about another lunch date, but I'm not going to call her back. I'm just not interested in spending any more time with her.

So--Am I being cold hearted or are my feelings justified?

[liontamer]

1. can't it be both

your heart is cold to her because you never had a chance to warm to her. The mere fact of a blood relationship shouldn't change that fact that you've never had a real relationship with this woman. Of course your feelings are justifed. :hug:

Maybe you should meet with her again and try to make it clear how uncomfortable she made you.

[notadmblnd]

2. I don't think so, you don't know her

I have a similar problem with one of my mother's sisters. Seems my grandmother had a child stolen from her years ago. My mom and her sister found each other about 15 yrs ago. All the woman could do was talk about how wonderful her kidnapper parents were to her all her life. I can't bring myself to call her Aunt Jan. all I can call her is my mothers sister.

[caty]

6. The only time I even

think about her is if she calls or when I am addressing the x-mas card I send her every year. That's how little I recognize our being related. I don't even know when her birthday is. It's like this stranger pops up every now and then and says, "hi sis".

[Shell Beau]

3. I don't know. Relationships

take a lot of work, especially when there was a strain to begin with. And it takes both people to make it work. You may feel she is using you. I don't know, but it may be worth the effort to find out. It is up to you. You know in your heart if you feel justified. Good luck.

[caty]

8. If we had something

in common or were closer in age, I might try harder. But--I really don't like her as a person. There's something about her I just can't warm up to.

[Shoeempress]

4. You have to do what makes you feel comfortable. If you feel she

is taking advantage of you (and it sure sounds like she would like to) it is your choice whether to let her do so or not. You shouldn't feel guilty for not letting folks do that.

[WCGreen]

5. I had an aunt that abused the hell out of us,

not physically but mentally and emotionally...

But I stuck with her, helped her out to the very end....

She surprised me by helping me when I most needed it....

You never know.....

But no, you aren't being cold hearted or anything like that...

Just suspicious as you should be.....

[pitohui]

7. she wants a free taxi driver

how convenient that she called only because she needs a favor

let her pay a taxi driver like everybody else

i too would not pick up her calls under this circumstance

if she offers to pay you to drive her, only do it if she pays for the rides in advance, otherwise you won't get paid, you'll just get promises

a friend drove a friend around for 6 months, do you know what he finally gave her to help with the gas, four freakin' dollars

[caty]

10. I wouldn't even do it for

money. I really don't feel comfortable around her.

[Mutley]

9. I know how you feel.

I have a half sister who I didn't meet until I was 17. She never tried to use me for anything the way you described, but due to the circumstances involving our two families, our relationship is strained. In your situation I would likely do the same thing you did.

[Saphire]

11. ask yourself - what's the worst that could happen if you told her how

you really feel? It doesn't sound like it would be a big loss if she never called again.

[caty]

14. That's true.

[barb162]

12. why can't she drive? Does she have a license?

[caty]

13. She has never learned how to drive.

She's tried to learn several times, but just couldn't learn for some reason.

[youspeakmylanguage]

17. She "couldn't" learn because she doesn't want to...

I've met people like her before in my life. They seem obsessed with getting other people to wait on them hand and foot, to loan them money and do work for them. They seem to think they're either too good or too vicimized by life to do things for themselves.

I learned of a distant relative that ripped off one of my more direct relatives for thousands of dollars about 20 years ago. The theiving hag then had the nerve to call my mother when the direct relative passed away, asking my mom to pay for her to fly to the next state (easily a 7 hour drive) for the funeral. My mom never called her back.

[caty]

18. The reason you stated

for her not learning to drive is probably true. She seems to be a very dependent and weak person.

[youspeakmylanguage]

20. If she's anything like the pople I've met like this...

...she isn't weak in the slightest. She pretends to be weak so others will pity and then provide for her. She's dependent on others completely by choice.

The next time she asks for a ride, I would send her directions to a hardware store and tell her to buy a hammer and pound some sand.

[caty]

21. I'd love

to do that.:toast:

[Avalux]

15. Tell her how you feel.

Avoiding her completely might not be the best course - if you explain your feelings and she understands, then you can have lunch 2-3 time a year instead of cutting off contact completely.

I tend to think it's bothering you, or you wouldn't have posted about it. ;-)

Good Luck!

[Kire]

16. I dunno, what is the temperature of your heart.

Is it below 98.6 degrees fahrenheit?

Edit: Seriously, you might be a little cold-hearted, judging from the information you gave. I'm disabled and dependent on family and friends in a lot of ways, so I know it's difficult from her point of view. I say you should compromise and give her a ride once in a while, even if it's uncomfortable. Of course, that's up to a point. You're a family, and you've got to stick together, but if she starts stealing or being dishonest or being more cold-hearted than you then back off, reserve the option to wash your hands of her. Sorry about your brother-in-law's eyesight. It sounds like it's going to be rough for him (and their children)...wait a minute, why doesn't she have a license?

[caty]

24. I think another reason

I feel this way is because my mother hated Ann for the last five years of her life. I was never told why, but my mother totally stopped talking or having anything to do with her. My brother doesn't know why either, but thinks it has something to do with Ann wanting to tell us something my mother just didn't want us to know.(skeleton in the closet?) The mere mention of Ann's name and my mother would get angry and very upset.

[Strawman]

19. No

I wouldn't want to be pressed into duty as personal chauffeur of a person I'd only seen a dozen times in my entire life, relative or not. Anyone would feel like they were being used in that situation, but you should be direct with her and if she has a problem with that, she is unreasonable. Let her know that you empathize with her predicament and that you enjoyed seeing her and would like to do so more often, but that you are not able to do drive her everywhere.

If she puts you on the spot and you are uncomfortable saying no right there, you can "punt," and say "let me think about it" to give yourself time to come up with a better answer as to why you can't/won't be able to drive her everywhere. Perhaps you could let her know specifically under what circumstances you would be willing to drive her somewhere (e.g. emergencies when none of her kids are available) and set a boundary with her with regard when it is and isn't acceptable for her to ask you for a ride.

It doesn't sound like you feel good about avoiding her, so don't. You have no reason to feel bad about saying no or setting a reasonable limit to how much you are willing to help her.

[caty]

22. I think I feel

this way because there always seems to be a ulterior motive when she contacts me. Always something she wants from me. A visit is never just a visit.

[oldcoot]

23. Your feelings are justified

It sounds like the only reason she invited you to lunch was to get a free taxi service. It was also really presumptuous of her to immediately talk about the places you could drive her as if she was doing you this great favor by allowing you to work as her own personal driver. I really do not blame you for not wanting to spend any more time with her.