I did the right thing today. It wasn't fun.

[IdaBriggs]

I'm estranged from most of my brothers and sisters, and have been for a while. I'm told by a reputable therapist the main problem is I'm "healthy" and therefore don't/won't fit into the dysfunction that is their coping mechanisms -- and I'm okay with that. While the main battle started last year over drug testing a beloved niece who was a heroin addict (I was the only advocate for this), honestly, it has worked out for the best. The whole thing pushed me into a few brick walls of reality I hadn't wanted to face, and while it wasn't easy, it really has been for the best. Knowing the truth about our relationships is certainly easier for me; before, when I kept expecting them to behave like normal, sane, rational human beings, I was constantly being surprised and shocked by the fact they just DIDN'T. Now, I can just shake my head sadly, chuckle over some of their more outrageously ridiculous delusions (I'm BLACKMAILING someone over an event that occurred thirty years ago??? How come no one told me so I could set a good price? And when am I supposed to collect?), and revel in my good fortune that we're NOT talking, so I can put my energies elsewhere.

Except for the last two days, my mother has been having an EXTREMELY rough time with it. You see, my father (NOT the world's greatest) died in March, and she's been dealing with it. I've been supportive; she knows we didn't have the best relationship (we didn't speak for six months prior to his death, and if he hadn't called in the middle of the night with an apology three weeks before he died, it would have ended that way, too), but I did love him despite his many ... flaws? weaknesses? selfish lying? You pick. The bottom line is that he was an abusive son of a bitch, and if we hadn't gone head to head over the heroin addict niece, I probably never would have figured out just what a god awful parent he really was: prior to that, you see, I had always assumed something was wrong WITH ME.

He left behind a bunch of messed up (adult) kids, but at least he left my mother in good financial shape.

For the last two days, she's been dealing with an upcoming "family" reunion that I'm not invited to: not only is she dealing with a "family" reunion without her husband of thirty-four years, but the hosts of this event (my step-brother and his wife) decided to invite my father's EX-wife (his mother), without running it by my mom first. Oblivious? Yes. Insensitive? Definitely. Clueless? Yup. But since there is also a whole bunch of other stuff that "needs to be discussed" this one has been on the back burner, and she officially began losing it yesterday.

So, I've been in the unenviable position of DEFENDING these cretins to my mother. I've had to explain to her that all of her children -- who treat me like shit and badmouth me at the drop of a hat -- really do love her, and it isn't a betrayal of me to go to a "family reunion" that I'm not invited to (even though, let's face it, it kind of is, and we both know it). I've taken the mature route; the relationships between my siblings and I have nothing to do with her, and she needs to stay out of it, and concentrate on her relationship with each of her children, blah, blah, blah.

No one ever said being mature was fun. I did it. I guess I should be proud of myself. Instead I wonder if I was just being a fool because not one of these scum would EVER stand up for me the way I stood up for them tonight. I guess the bottom line, however, is I'm not someone who is going to lie for anybody, including myself. I should take comfort in my integrity.

But I can't sleep, so I'm telling this sad, disjointed story to a bunch of folks who probably couldn't care a less since they all have their own family dramas to deal with.

I'm not crying. I'm just ... not sleeping.

[swag]

1. I think it's good that you have such perspective on the whole deal

and are able to love your mother the best way that you can now, by supporting her when she needs it.

Best to you and her.

Be good to yourself.

[IdaBriggs]

3. Thank you.

I guess integrity is its own reward, eh?

[MichiganVote]

2. All you have to do is step out of the drama. See it, avoid it, walk away

[IdaBriggs]

9. She's still grieving her husband, and some days are better than others.

She was already feeling anxious about the "family reunion" minus her husband, was doubly stressing about me not being invited (which in her mind was shamefully inappropriate behavior by my siblings in front of the extended family), and then got the "big surprise" of unexpected socialization with her deceased husband's ex-wife (who is NOT a friend). A couple of added stressors were the unexpected death of a close tenant and the invertible "pack up her stuff for the greedy sister who hasn't spoken to her in three years" and we were back in the middle of a bad couple of days of missing her husband / being really pissed off at ALL her kids ("Why can't everyone just get along?") / feeling alone and unloved moment.

She needed to be reminded that she isn't alone, and ALL of her kids love her, even when / if we aren't speaking. It seemed pretty normal to me under the circumstances.

[u4ic]

4. A big pat on the back

and an even bigger hug for you. :hug:

There's a lot of conflict in my family, too, and I think taking the mature route is best. Yes, you may get kicked around for it (I did), but in the end it keeps me sane, knowing that I didn't stoop to their level, and acted by my code, not theirs. I hope it does for you, too. :hi:

[IdaBriggs]

10. Thank you. I hope you are right! I was really starting to wonder if I'm

just kind of stupid, if you know what I mean....

:hug:

[REP]

5. Just A Suggestion

Please ask your therapist about whether you should be running interference for your siblings with anyone. That's an impossible situation to be put in, and I have *zero* good ideas, but I bet a professional might!

I think you did great under terrible circumstances. I just don't think you should be the one being put in those circumstances.

[IdaBriggs]

11. Thank you. I will definitely check it out.

As I said, tonight (and a little bit yesterday) seemed like "special circumstances" since I think my mother was reacting more to "everything" than one thing in particular. I'll double check it for future reference, though. Thank you for pointing that out!

[REP]

20. Now Hey There

You don't need to explain anything to anyone, especially some yahoo on some webboard, even though I think you did great. I just think you're not being treated well, and that a Professional™ can offer waaaaaaaay better advice than I can.

[dhinojosa]

6. Go to sleep....those demons you worry about aren't yours.

I have some problems with my family, not unlike yours, but it seems we try to do the right thing. It sounds like you are the good person in all of this.

[IdaBriggs]

14. Thank you. My secret thought (and shame) is that my siblings are NOT

nice people. I honestly don't think they are MALICIOUS people; more just Really Messed Up. When I found out I was being accused of blackmailing someone, I told my mother I wanted a three thousand dollar purple hippo that I'd seen at a local art fair -- the scary thing is, even though I think most sane people can understand that is a joke, I'm not sure my siblings can....(shudder)

I told my brother's answering machine tonight that "he was going to be really sorry if he EVER hung up on me again while I was trying to talk to him about our mother's health and well being because if he did it again, I wouldn't call anymore" and he told my mother I was threatening him. I thought I was talking about how bad he would feel if he didn't find out about her health and well being quickly because he was being a jerk, but apparently, I made "a threat" against him.

Stupid jerk. Argh!

:eyes:

[alittlelark]

7. One half of my family is in the same leaky boat

-Focus on the Family- types. That side of the family has sooo many divorces, half-siblings, and new in-laws that I choose to have little to no contact.

The other side is atheist/agnostic. NO divorces, brilliant well adjusted kids (except for 1). They always bring good wine to an occasion, and they are FUN.

Guess which side of the family I hang with?

Create your own 'family' - the concept is big here in the Bay Area. Surround yourself with those who complement your lifestyle.


Life is too short to deal w/ wretched relatives!!!!!



:hug: :beer: :smoke:

[IdaBriggs]

15. Thank you! That is some excellent advice! nt

[steely]

8. Hang in there IB - you ARE the better person.

You're right to help your mom like that - even if it means propping up your sibs. We have a similar situation where my in-law sibs don't talk. Thank God someone over there saw the light one day, and enouraged a neice to reach out and introduce herself to us. Once we all had an awkward get-together (at a wake - it was the only way). I tried approaching a br-in-law - all I can say is what a dick. For everyones sake, and for decorum, I took his crap. I think for the people to whom it really matters - I did the right thing. anyway 'nuff of me.

I did have to talk my wife into going to her own dad's funeral (his girlfriend was there). No one was mean to her - in fact a couple of family members greeted her with open arms - I sincerely believe they did not know my wife was blacklisted. To this end, you might consider crashing the reunion (sort of) under the guise of dropping mom off or whatever - and you'd have an easy excuse to split if it was a bad scene.

You're doing the right thing, and I admire your integrity.

[IdaBriggs]

16. Thank you. It is definitely helping to know that other folks have

"similar" stories. (Misery loves company?) :)

The reunion is four hours away, and truthfully, I'm kind of on the grateful side that I'm not invited. Spending a weekend with people who don't like you because of stuff they keep making up just doesn't sound like a good time for me. I'll see the extended folks another time. With as many siblings as we've got in the family, there is usually someone on the outs with someone; I've just been a target for a little longer than normal because of my strong anti-drug stance with the heroin addict. I'm "unreasonable."

:eyes:

[merh]

12. All I can do is offer a cyber hug.

:hug: And commend you for being such a loving person. :applause:
I am proud to post on DU with someone with your true concern and integrity! :hug:

[IdaBriggs]

17. Thank you. I am honored by your praise!

:hug: It also makes me feel like less of a sap! :)

[merh]

19. Gosh, don't every feel like a sap because you are trying to

make your mother more comfortable with the situation. Your concerns are for her, that your relatives benefit (unknowingly) from your compassion and love is merely secondary to your efforts to help your mother have a better time at the odd reunion.

You are "A" okay in my book! :hug:

:thumbsup:

[Lars39]

13. Take time for yourself now, Ida.

Recharge. Get centered, whatever you want to call it. :hug:
You have tried to give your mother peace of mind. You have stayed true
to yourself, even though you're probably wondering what the hell else is
going to be expected of you. I'm not on speaking terms with 2 family
members. I just don't talk about them with my dad. I'll listen if he
wants to talk about them, but I don't say anything negative or positive
about them. Silence is hard. You are an exceptional person to wade into
toxic waste to comfort your mother. :hug:

[IdaBriggs]

18. Thank you. The "toxic waste" comment is extremely appropriate!

I really appreciate how folks are helping me to "re-center" myself tonight.

I am not alone. I will get through this.

Thank you all!

:grouphug:

[SoCalDem]

21. Take your mother out to a nice restaurant and let the "others"

have their reunion.. It's all sounds very "passive/aggressive" to me :)

[roguevalley]

22. the ick has to come out if you want to have peace, honey. nothing

is harder than self-revelation. Your mom doesn't have to carry more guilt and misery than she can and you helped her. You are a good child to your mom. I'm proud of you. THey will either catch up with you or not. But that's not your path to walk or your decision to make. For your sake, I hope they do. If not, find peace in knowing you are a good sibling to your sibs.

[philosophie_en_rose]

23. **Hugs**

Your advice to your mother was mature and gracious.

Take care. Get some sleep and do something for yourself.

Hypothetically, if your mother didn't want to attend some disfunction junction with your father's ex-wife, would she be able to talk to an independent person about it? or just not go?

:hug: