How do you prove to someone who is terminally depressed that you love them

[coloradodem2005]

My lady friend went through a rough childhood. Words don't necessarily mean anything because a lot of guys tell her that they loved her. She feels like she doesn't have anyone that cares about her at work and she has no family and few friends because even though she is compassionate, kind and intelligent, she is, by her own admission "fucked up". And she feels so alone. All the time.

[LynzM]

1. Being there, listening, not pushing it.

Consistently. Not making an issue of 'proving' it, just continue to be there, in whatever way you can, for her.

[coloradodem2005]

3. Sometimes, I don't know what to say.

I am trying to be there and listen, but what are the appropriate responses?

[Rabrrrrrr]

7. You don't need to say anything.

If you must say something, reflect back to her what she's saying, show her that you are listening. Your listening will show that you care.

AND, you also need to get her into therapy.

[LynzM]

9. That's an awfully open-ended question

Sometimes, just a hug and saying "I'm sorry you experienced that (or something like that)" is enough. There aren't 'correct' words, to me... just support.

[Redstone]

22. Wise words, LynZ. Good advice, succinctly expressed.

Redstone

[LynzM]

25. Thanks, dude.

That means a lot, coming from you.

[Floogeldy]

2. You can't.

I'd move on. You don't need the baggage.

[Rabrrrrrr]

4. You don't. You just keep loving them.

And ask them to get into therapy to deal with their depression.

She obviously needs some help.

[coloradodem2005]

10. She has been to a therapist.

But it hasn't done her much good. She has some really complex issues and nobody knows how to help her, she says. And it seems to be true.

[NYC]

13. Unless the professional help works, you can't.

I'm currently a "spectator" in such a situation. The depressed person just keeps demanding more and more proof, putting an impossible burden on the other person, who just cannot keep up. I don't think there is any proof sufficient to be taken as proof. Unless the psychiatrist accomplishes something, it's hopeless in the case I am witnessing.

[Rabrrrrrr]

18. A relationship will never work until her therapy starts to work

Sorry to be pessimistic about it, but that's how it goes. Until she gets her demons dealt with, she'll never have a normal relationship.

She will drain the entirety of your energy until she gets her shit dealt with.

[Redstone]

21. True words of wisdom from you and NYC...

In some cases, you gotta call in the professionals. PTSD is one of them.

Redstone

[kwassa]

28. Part of it is that she need to help herself, as well. Therapy is essential

and though I am not in favor of medicating problems, I know a number of people helped by anti-depressants when nothing else worked.

You can't rescue her, you can only help her rescue herself, and she has to be willing to try. She needs to do the work, you can't do it for her. Nobody can. She needs to do that work with a trained therapist.

I was in such a relationship. I really felt responsible for her happiness, and thought I could bring her out of her depression if I just tried hard enough. It was a very educational experience.

[Midlodemocrat]

5. Just be there for her.

In a case like this, actions do speak louder than words.

[Blue-Jay]

6. That depends. Do you have a basement?

And lotion?

[Wapsie B]

8. I'd just be there for her.

There's no way that things like this will go away if you say some magic words. I hope she's getting professional help.

[SammyWinstonJack]

11. Just be her friend.

That is probably all you can do.

[Swede]

12. Let her know she's not alone.

Even if you don't even know if she's listening to you.

[coloradodem2005]

14. I am trying.

I just feel like what I say falls on deaf ears.

[Swede]

16. You are a true friend to this person.

Some of this will sink in.

[coloradodem2005]

20. I don't know.

Sometimes I feel like I am being selfish.

[KitchenWitch]

15. You can't prove it to her, but you can be there for her

and suggest that she find some help for herself, and that you will support her through that process. She needs to find "worthiness" in herself...

[Redstone]

17. Listen to me.

You can help her, but ONLY if she's getting professional help, which likely would include anti-depressant medications.

It's not a matter of proving anything, and if that's your focus, you may be doing more harm than good.

You need to trust me on this; I'm kind of an expert regarding PTSD, its effects, and methods of treating same.

Despite any assholes who might make light of the situation and just tell you to ditch that woman, YOU are the only one who can decide if you love her enough to be by her side as she learns to deal with her past.

I'm going to tell you right now that it's a helluva lot of work and requires a ton of dedication. But I cannot stress enough that you can't decide that all she needs is for you to prove something to her. That's taking her problem and making it yours, which is NOT doing her any favors.

If you want to discuss this more, I'd be happy to; PM me if you want to. I'll be away until next week, but would be more than happy to offer any help I can for you and her.

Redstone

[jurassicpork]

19. This may require

...pharmacological intervention, although I'm more like A Christian Scientist regarding drugs. My sixteen-year-old daughter suffers from terminal depression and has many of the same self-esteem issues. Everytime she got her period, it seemed, involved wither some Woody Allen suicide atempt or a trip to the mental ward. Finally, we found the right cocktakl of meds and now her depression is at least manageable.

Sometimes lots and lots of attention helps.

JP
http://jurassicpork.blogspot.com

[Spider Jerusalem]

23. You don't. You can't. And it won't matter anyway.

Better not to try. Been there. No fun. Have the scars. I'd advise you to walk away before it gets too painful.

[Ptah]

24. I may be speaking out of turn here, but if she's

'termially depressed', proof of your love
will not alter her trajectory.

:shrug:

[fudge stripe cookays]

29. Especially if...

it involves quoting bad song lyrics to her.

FSC

[BikeWriter]

26. Terminally depressed? You're in for a rough ride.

[Niccolo_Macchiavelli]

27. don't know what to say...

Don't try to be the therapist.

But some small things you can do that MIGHT help.

Think of 3-5 things you appreciate on her, be it skills, a special smile, laugher whatever.

Tell her in various ways you appreciate this or that.

Don't try to focus on her weaknesses/issues she does that probably all day and night. She doesn't need you for that. Don't treat her as your ward.

Focus on her strenghts and skills. Find something she might teach you.

Feeling capable & success WILL help (to what degree is another pair of shoes).

been there on both sides. Good luck You'll need it.

[Mizmoon]

30. Therapy is overrated

it's hard to find a good therapist and it's hard to devote the years it takes to make therapy work, not to mention how to pay for it.

Being there over time is the best gift you can give a depressed person. Putting up with crap, helping when needed, etc.

Make sure it's not a one-way street. You deserve understanding and help too. In the beginning it's nice to be selfless, but one day you might need some loving support yourself ...

[kwassa]

31. Therapy is not overrated

To think that one can deal with a person suffering from severe and persistant depression without professional help is really a reckless notion. If one hasn't the background, the solutions that might seem to make sense to the lay person could cause the situation to get far worse rather than better.

[Kire]

39. Is it hard work?

Like Bush at the debates?

[Maddy McCall]

32. How many times I've told a guy that I'm "too fucked up" for ...

a relationship, I can't count on both hands.

Usually, I said this to guys who were younger than me who wouldn't leave me be after I said nicely that I didn't want to be in a relationship with them.

[chaska]

33. Sometimes you have to be willing to let your frustrations out and....

tell her to just STFU. Then go away. When you come back it proves more than always just sponging up her pain.

[khashka]

34. You can't "prove" it

Just do it. Just love your friend, be there for her, listen to her, talk to her. Don't worry about what to say - there is no correct thing to say.

Inevitably, in a situation like this, you are gonna get hurt. Obviously, that's already started or you wouldn't have brought this up and said what you've said. You feel helpless.

The pych community has seemingly decided that depression is all some chemical imbalance. I disagree and I have the degrees and experience to give my viewpoint some credibility. Sometimes it is chemical, sometimes it's perfectly justified and a necessary part of dealing with the injustices of life. Sometimes it's anger turned inward, against the self. This is especially true of people who are compassionate, kind, decent - like your friend. They have good reasons for their anger, but they don't want to hurt anyone, or not be understanding. Deprived of the correct target, they turn that anger against themselves. And feel despair. And unworthy and unlovable.

Just love her, let her talk stuff out. It can be an onerous task (which is why I used to get paid the big bucks). But you are not a professional - so you can't do this alone. Help her to get help. I know she's already done that, but all therapists are not the same. Gotta find the right one.

But basically just be her friend. But take care of yourself too, don't let her situation get you down. Cuz if you do you can't help her and you'll only end up hurting yourself.

Khash.

[Kire]

41. yeah, it sounds like a lot of work

proving to yourself that you love her sounds like even more

[Kire]

35. No matter what she says, even if it hurts, stand by her.

and be honest, if it hurts too much, tell her

[Schema Thing]

36. First of all, make sure you do.

That would be really sucky if you only thought you did, or if it was not a healthy type of love, y'know?

After that, it's pretty simple.

[all.of.me]

37. she has to believe it. there's nothing you can do to 'prove' it

it has to come from her.

[Lydia Leftcoast]

38. Does she love you?

If she doesn't, you won't be able to make her love you by being nice to her during her depression.

You cannot cure her. Don't think you can. And even if you do everything you can to make her feel better, she won't necessarily love you for it, so don't think you can "rescue" her into gratitude, as happens in the movies. You may not get anything in return.

All of the above is irrelevant if she actually does love you (and has said so) and this depression is just an episode.

In that case, you can try distractions, such as getting her involved in some exercise activity or watching a funny film with her (although if she's really depressed, she'll sit through any comedy without cracking a smile). A non-sexual massage or friendly hug is also very comforting to a depressed person.

But you are not her shrink, and she needs to see a professional if her depression is that bad.

[OldLeftieLawyer]

40. First, just be yourself

You can't be authentic with her if you're working hard to try to be something that will "help" her.

Second, accept the fact and reality that you can never prove anything to her. Ever.

Third, understand that her traumas are probably such that she needs to continue her learned cycle of destructive behavior so that she can validate what she knows - emotionally - to be true: that everyone will hurt, betray, abandon her. It's called "repetition compulsion," and I believe it's one of the most powerful manifestations of human behavior extant. I think it makes the world go round, really.

Fourth, when I (I'm a therapist, a clinical psychologist) hear that someone is saying that "no one can help them," I am hearing fear. It tells me that her guard is so up, she's not able - at this point in her life, anyway - to let it down even long enough to try to get help to alleviate her pain.

Fifth, understand that her pain is, for her, a comfortable place, regardless of what she says or how you perceive her reactions. It defies our reality, but think about it: it's what she's known all her life, so it's comfortable. We might not think so, but she does, and, frankly, in this matter, her reality is the controlling reality. Right now, to her way of thinking, her pain is protecting her, and you really have no right to try to take that away from her, no matter how well-intentioned you are.

Sixth, back off. Give her room, but maintain your presence. The last thing you need to do here now is to try to be all things to her, since that's doomed to fail, and when you move on - because that's what you'll have to do when your attempts to be something you're not come to nothing - she'll take comfort in her preordained knowledge that she always knew you'd screw her over. That's that pesky repetition compulsion again.

Seventh, be prepared to walk away. Some situations are beyond us, and when your own well-being is in jeopardy, your duty to yourself is to preserve that well-being.

Eighth, consider that you're possibly not getting the entire or true story from her. That's always got to be taken into consideration. It's possible you've met someone with a narcissistic personality disorder or a borderline personality, and if that's the case, you'd best get out as quickly as you can.

A question: do you want to be her beloved or do you want to be her caretaker? Consider your answer very carefully, because these situations have a way of sliding beyond one's control very quickly, and suddenly you might find yourself in a role that's not anything you ever envisioned. And, that's another "I always knew you'd ditch me" scenario that will reinforce her already powerful beliefs and leave you broken and sad.

My last question: does she have the capability to love you? Do you feel love from her, or are you experiencing a great need that makes you feel good? Love's a complex thing, and I'm not sure any of it understand it, but if you are getting from her as much as you're giving to her, then I'd say you're at least on a good start.

In this situation, keep in mind that you are as important as she is.

Good luck.