Awh, geez. Pregnancy is such a bitch (rant)

[friesianrider]

No, not me...my friend is having a baby boy in late September and I am so stoked for her and her husband, but...

I am about to friggin scream with all the babying she expects. She was 3 months pregnant when she supposedly fell while walking her dog (I say supposedly because her neighbor is a good friend of mine and said he was walking with her when this supposedly took place and said she never fell) and required that her entire family and friend support system stay with her round the clock for 3 days even though there wasn't a thing wrong with her (I know because I drove her to the hospital). When she was 5 months, she went to the bathroom one night and (according to her husband) there were a few little drops of blood in her urine (sorry if this is TMI). The story from her end turned into "I was having severe pain and I went to the bathroom and it was FULL of blood and tissue and I could feel the baby's head coming out!" Turned out to be a "very mild" bladder infection (again according to her OB/GYN). Once again she insisted that everyone stay by her side for the weekend. A few weeks ago, her husband had to fly to CA and she threw a crying fit on the phone to me to get the entire family there to stay with her because she was "afraid to be alone." Now that she is about 2 months from her due date, she would like her brother to drive her 2 hours (one way) to one of her friend's baby showers. She doesn't want to drive because she's "scared she'll go into labor." The brother is complaining to me about this because he has had it with all the coddling she is demanding. Apparently her husband can't take her because he is busy building a deck on their house or something.

Now this girl is EXTREMELY spoiled by her parents (past and present), so I think perhaps this is where it comes from - she was even 28 and married before she finally got the strength to move out of her parent's house. This is her first baby and I am probably more excited than she is for the baby's arrival - and I love her to death - but it just seems like she's being a little dramatic about all this. It's gotten so bad that her family is doubting that she will be able to handle the labor. I'm even worrying about how bad it will be when the baby comes, because the aforementioned dog has become "too much" for her to handle so she's gotten in the habit of just dumping the dog at my house or her parent's house for days on end - I am concerned she will do this with the baby. I really do love her, but just don't know if I am not understanding her situation or if she really is being really demanding.

I'm looking for honest opinions here: am I just being a total bitch about this, or is she being a little needy? I've never been pregnant so can't really say, but friends of mine who have had kids before were nowhere near this demanding and such babies about their pregnancies. Thoughts?

[KitchenWitch]

1. Three words: Prima Fucking Donna

yikes...

[friesianrider]

2. So what do I do?

I mean, how do you gently tell a friend "you're being a needy primadonna?"...or don't you? I'm already attached to this baby but I am NOT going to parent it because she isn't fully comprehending that parenthood is more than toting around a Stepford baby in Burberry outfits.

[KitchenWitch]

7. I am kind of a bull in a china shop

I tend to be rather blunt.

I would let her know that she seriously needs to grow the hell up...since the baby will soon eclipse her as the center of attention (for the next 20 some years....). Make sure you tell her the reason you are telling her this is because you care about her and the baby and that no matter what, you love her, but you are not going to be used by her.

[Ptah]

3. Ya but, still after all this trouble,

there will be a new life.

The miracle of birth is undeniable.


:shrug:

[LeftyMom]

4. Is she normally like this?

If she's not, can I make a suggestion? Find out what pregnancy book, if any, she's reading- if it's What to be Afraid of when your're Expecting, please take it away and burn it. That book and it's what can go wrong this week charts in it would make anybody nervous!

I can be a bit of a hypochondriac at times and I went through a similar frightened and needy phase while pregnant. She needs to figure out where the fear is coming from, whether she'd uncertain about something or if some external like her care provider is making her feel disempowered, then make the changes needed to feel confident in her ability to bear and nurture her child.

The wierd thing- as soon as I had my son I did a complete 180. I was very nervous about my ability to care for a baby but as soon as I got to active labor (the pushing bit) I was confident and capable and that feeling stayed with me, although it wavered a bit when my son was dealing with colic.

[friesianrider]

9. YES.

Resoundingly YES.

She absolutely relishes being the center of attention and is downright nasty when she is not. I cannot begin to tell you how many weddings/engagement parties for others we have been to together where she spends the entire time with "that dress is hideous", "this food sucks", "my wedding was so much nicer (yeah, because your parents blew $100,000 on it", "my house is so much bigger than hers", etc etc.

I just know she will be unable to handle the many challenges of parenting. This is a pampered, spoiled, sheltered princess of the highest sort - I am certain that she will be in for a rude awakening when the baby comes. And unfortunately, whenever it gets "too much" for her, her own parents sweep to the rescue everytime. When the baby is being cute and quiet, she'll be happy as a clam. When the baby needs a diaper change/needs ts puke cleaned up/is being whiney, she'll ship him off to her parents and chances are they will be more than happy to accept.

[LeftyMom]

16. Uh oh.

I know few women like that, my mother unfortunately happens to be one of them. When that type (the preteen drama queen in a grown-up body) has a kid, it seems to get real ugly real fast. Best case scenario- she focuses her competitiveness on being the best mommy on the block, the kid has a really memorable adolescent rebellion, does a little therapy eventually and all is (mostly) well. Worst case scenario: well let's just hope the expectant Daddy is good with kids, because selfish and immature women like that have been known to leave the kid and take off for parts unknown when they decide they don't like playing house anymore.

Nothing's going to change until her enablers tell her to grow the fuck up and actually mean it. Coddling her does the kid no favors either. If she can't manage to drive herself to a party two months before her due date how the heck is she going to handle the kid's first fever or injury?

[SoCalDem]

5. "can't handle the labor"...hahahahahahahaha

she's got no choice now.. labor will happen.. she can take drugs or an epidural, nbut her body will take over..

She'll be ok..and the baby might actually divert her attention off herself..

cut her some slack,,. she's probably scared.. It IS a scary time when you don't know what to expect:)

[CaliforniaPeggy]

6. I have to say, I've NEVER heard of such behavior in a pregnancy

before...I really think that she should not be having this baby...too bad for the kid...

She could certainly use some prime psychotherapy...NOW...and her husband as well...

A little dramatic? Try being the whole cast for a large scale movie or play or something...Becoming a mother is going to be a HUGE shock to her...

Do keep us informed, OK?

GOOD LUCK TO ALL OF YOU!

[friesianrider]

8. Me either.

Obviously I've never been pregnant so I don't want to pooh-pooh what she is experiencing, but I too think the actual parenting part will be a huge shock for her. She thinks having a baby means having a picture-perfect baby that never cries, never pukes, never poops...and just sits around like a doll in his Burberry outfit.

I just don't know what, if anything I should do/say to her...

[CaliforniaPeggy]

10. It would be good if she's doing some reading...there are lots of

good books out there on what to expect when the baby arrives...The situation does worry me...she could be in for some post-partum depression, as well...

She and her husband should certainly take the childbirth classes...sometimes they have new parents come in with their new babies, and this is helpful to see just how things can be...

Do you know if she has any friends who have babies...these babies do not need to be new...But if she does, then her friends could talk to her about what to expect, or to recommend books...

She might turn around...but somehow I doubt it...sorry to be so negative, but even for people who are prepared for new babies, having one is a shock...never mind for someone who is NOT ready...

As I said before, Good Luck!

[Heidi]

11. Why are you friends with her?

What do you enjoy about her company? (From your description of this woman, she doesn't sound very nice.) :shrug:

[latebloomer]

12. My question exactly

Does she have any redeeming characteristics? She sounds like a Class A spoiled brat.

[friesianrider]

13. Um, well...

Now that you mention it, I'm not sure. She's the sister of a guy I've dated off and on for years now, and I guess I was always nice to her out of necessity - thinking me and her brother would get married someday and she'd be my SIL.

She CAN be nice in terms of planning special events for people, but she always insists it is at her (large brand new) house and makes sure there is some new, expensive addition to her house that she spends 3/4 of the night talking about. Plus, she enjoys playing hostess and being the center of attention.

[latebloomer]

14. Not every pregnancy is such a bitch

It rather depends on who is pregnant.

They just get-- more so.

[Floogeldy]

15. Gossip much?

:o

[friesianrider]

17. No.

I'm asking for advice :shrug:

[Heidi]

18. Here's the advice my mother gave me about my first marriage

and I think it also applies to friendships: "Is your life better with, or without, him/her? Either way, there's risk involved. Only you can decide." :shrug:

[Floogeldy]

19. Okay

I didn't mean to offend you.

My advice is for you to either help her, or stay out of it.

That's a win-win for you. ;)

[friesianrider]

20. Thanks.

Thanks, I guess I was mainly just looking for advice on 1. if I am being unreasonable and 2. if not, how exactly do I help her.

[jobycom]

21. She needs counseling, and if you continue to enable her, she will

suck you dry. Look forward to her calling you with her post-partum depression, the long stories of how she just can't go on anymore. That will be an excuse to dump the child with you. If you show any skill, she will find more reasons to dump the child with you. The PPD may be real, and that will make it harder for you to say no, and she will make no effort to fight it.

No, her behavior is not normal. I'm a guy, so my experience with pregnancy is from the outside, but I was very involved guy for my kids' births. I've been through sudden miscarriages and just about every other emotional aspect of pregnancy. I even went through post partum depression, since I was the one who stayed home and raised the kids. Your friend is a drama queen, and that can lead to real problems, for her and the child. She's used to people bailing her out. It will only get worse when the "problem" she needs help with is a child you know needs the attention.

I don't know what to do. If you shut her off, she'll just get the attention elsewhere. If she's this bad, her husband will either be a pure saint (and it sounds like he's not so far) or will leave when the stress gets too much, and she'll be more dependent. This drama is annoying now, but it will become critical and very serious at some point.

Anyway, that's not advice, really, just rambling. But this will get more serious, and I doubt there's anything much you can do to make her behave better. The one thing you should do now, though, is draw a line, and let her know she can't cross it. Tell her no a few times, that should draw a boundary. Make it hard for her to come to you. That's all I can think of.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

22. You are so right on, my dear jobycom!

Everything, and I mean everything, that you have said here is RIGHT ON!

I just feel so sorry for that innocent little baby...

[Kahuna]

23. I don't know if you've ever been pregnant and expecting, but...

it's been known throughout the ages that women's hormones go haywire during pregnancy. I know mine did. Odd behavior during pregnancy isn't uncommon. Especially for a first time mom. The changes to the body and lifestyle can be very unsettling. Your friend is about to have to take a back seat to someone else for a change. Let her enjoy her last two months of being top dog. For that will surely change in a little bit. :D

[khashka]

24. Pregnancy can be really tough for some women....

but your friend has bigger problems than that. Read jobycom's post - joby is absolutely right.

Khash.

[LaurenG]

25. She seems needy

Set some really good limits with her. Pregnancy can be a weird time, hormones, body that gets roundy and usually a big butt to go with that belly. Self esteem can be great or horrid, you never know what will make you cry and you feel really good one second and bad the next. (commercials can bring tears to your eyes). Just tell her if she steps all over you that you don't like it. You will feel better about her if you don't allow her to take advantage of you. You sound like a good friend O8).

[johnnie]

26. Honest opinion?

You don't sound like much of a friend. This woman obviously has some kind of problem that is a little deeper than "she is so demanding".
I've never been pregnant, but from what I understand there are some hormones that can really go a bit out of control. From what you say, she was a bit of a needy person in the first place and now she is pregnant, I wonder if it has anything to do with her increase of being needy.
I am wondering if she has a "chemical imbalance". I'm a little shocked at all the responses here from the same people that would support all the anti-depressant drugs being shoved down everyone's throats, but yet are being so insensitive to this woman without knowing her. Oh well.
I think you are jealous of the attention she gets and it is driving you crazy.
You wanted honest, I hope I didn't offend you or anyone else.

[tjdee]

27. Wait until the baby gets here and she REALLY isn't the center of attention

It's not your responsibility to coddle her, but it really does sound like in general, she needs constant affirmation "boy, you're so interesting", "being pregnant is so hard, you're doing a great job!"...

It'll be interesting to see how she deals when the baby comes--if she's the sort that needs attention, LOL, she ain't gettin' NONE once the baby arrives. I still remember arriving places and people talking to the baby for about five minutes until they realize that gee, the baby came with somebody!

[youthere]

28. Wow. My first response is..

that I feel sorry for her. It sounds like someone who has been given everything-except what they need the most. People who have their emotional/spiritual needs met simply don't behave like this. Very sad.

[xmas74]

29. I worked 2 jobs-one was physical

until I was 7 months pregnant. I was placed on bedrest by my doctor. I had a rough pregnancy by my OB's standards but there was no one around to baby me so I had to make do on my own.
She needs to suck it up. It's only going to get worse once the baby comes along.

[proud2BlibKansan]

30. Some people are just too hard

to be friends with.

Drop her now before she ropes you into babysitting.

[LynzM]

31. Sounds like fear and neediness,

In combination, made worse by pregnancy hormones (which really can be a bitch, for sure). But it sounds like from what you describe that she is used to getting her way and being 'rescued', and as long as people keep enabling that, she will keep doing it. I think there are deeper issues that need to be addressed, but I also think it's probably not your job to do that, particularly given that you're not even sure why you're friends with her. Maybe suggest she see someone to help her 'handle the stress'? It will probably be rough on her having a 'real' baby that does all those things she doesn't want.... best of luck to that whole family.

[China_cat]

32. I pity the kid she's about to have.

My former daughter in law is a lot like that and she's made my grandkids just as neurotic as she is.

Sounds like Munchausen-by-proxy is a real possibility for this one.

[Shell Beau]

33. Pregnancy makes the hormones go

ballistic. And it is common to be fearful of something going wrong. I don't know your friend so I can't say is she is being a drama queen or if this is just the hormones or what. Maybe a combination. Just try to be patient and be a good friend. That is all you can really do. I am sure it is annoying, but it will pass. :hi:

[JVS]

34. Oh good God! That poor boy is going to have a head-case mother!