...Something to remember before ye' go blind.

[ConfuZed]

# A big date with Rosy Palms
# A date with Mrs. Palmer and her 5 slut daughters
# Adjusting the antenna
# Adjusting your set
# Answering the Bone-A-Phone
# Applying the hand brake
# Arguing with Henry Longfellow
# Arm-wrestling the purple-headed stormtrooper
# Asking for a second opinion (your second head)
# Assault on a friendly weapon
# Attacking the one-eyed purple-headed warrior
# Attending to the throb knob needs
# Auditioning the hand puppet
# Backstroke roulette
# Badgering the witness
# Baiting your hook
# Ball slappin' fun
# Bangin' your bacon
# Banging one out
# Banging the Cyclops
# Bashing the Bishop
# Bashing the candle
# Bashing the pear
# Basting the ham
# Batting practice
# Battling the purple-headed yogurt slinger
# Beatin' Bobby
# Beating Bob and the twins
# Beating Jack
# Beating off
# Beating the bait
# Beating the balloon
# Beating the balogna
# Beating the beagle
# Beating the bed flute
# Beating the Bishop
# Beating the dummy
# Beating the fuck out of your best friend
# Beating the goat
# Beating the old man
# Beating the pud
# Beating the shit out of your incapacitated midget
# Beating the snake
# Beating the snot outta Rotney
# Beating the snotty end of my fuck stick
# Beating the stick
# Beating your meat
# Beef-stroke-it-off
# Being a virtuoso of the skin flute
# Being rough with the sex stick
# Being your own best friend
# Belaboring the obvious
# Biffing off
# Bleeding the weed
# Blowing your load
# Blowing your own horn
# Bludgeoning the beefsteak
# Blue-ball buster
# Blueball baseball
# Bobbing your boloney
# Bonging your shlong
# Booting up the hard drive
# Boppin' your bologna
# Bopping Richard
# Bopping the baloney
# Bopping the bishop
# Bopping the Bonzo
# Bouncing the bunny
# Boxing Oscar
# Boxing Oscar in the closet
# Boxing the bald champ
# Boxing the clown
# Boxing the Jesuit
# Boxing the Jesuit and getting cockroaches
# Boxing the one-eyed clown
# Boxing the trouser mouse
# Boxing with Richard
# Breaking the fish tank
# Buckin' it
# Buffin' the bishop
# Buffing my wand
# Buffing the banana
# Buffing the rifle
# Buffing the wood
# Buffing your nuts
# Buggering your hand
# Bunning your hot dog
# Burning off a few calories
# Burping the baby
# Burping the worm
# Busting a nut
# Buttering your corn
# Calling all cum
# Calling down for more Mayo
# Calling in the National Guard to assist you in a strategic crisis
# Caning the vandal
# Caping the crusader
# Capturing the bishop
# Carrying weight
# Casting off
# Changing your oil
# Charming the cobra
# Charming the one-eyed trouser snake
# Charming the snake
# Cheap date
# Cheating on your other hand
# Checking for testicular cancer
# Checking the plumbing
# Cheesing off
# Chilling the dill
# Choking Charlie 'till he throws up
# Choking Kojak
# Choking the bald guy until he pukes
# Choking the chicken
# Choking the hog
# Choking the pirate
# Choking the sheriff and waiting for the posse to come
# Choking your chicken
# Choking yourself into emission
# Chopping down
# Chucking one in the sink
# Chucking the yogurt
# Churning your butter
# Civil War
# Clamping the pipe
# Cleaning out your rope
# Cleaning the pipes
# Cleaning the walls after an accident involving the Milk Man and the Cyclops
# Cleaning your rifle
# Clearing the snorkel
# Climbin' the tree
# Climbing Mount Baldy
# Climbing Mt. Barbell (for guys with pierced dicks)
# Climbing the corporate ladder
# Clobbering the bad guy
# Clobbering the Kleenex
# Closet Frisbee
# Clubbing Eddy
# Clubbing the baby seal
# Clubbing the clam
# Clubbing the dummy
# Coating Prince William Sound with love oil
# Cocking the rifle
# Collecting a specimen
# Coming into your own
# Coming to grips with the situation
# Coming to grips with yourself
# Committing mass spermicide
# Cooking the cream of cock
# Cooking with Wong
# Corralling the tadpoles
# Couch hockey for one
# Cracking one off
# Cracking the fat
# Crank yanking
# Cranking
# Cranking for cum
# Cranking one off
# Cranking the love pump
# Cranking the monkey
# Cranking the shank
# Crimping the wire
# Crowning the king
# Cuddlin' the Kielbasa
# Cuffing the carrot
# Cuffing the dummy
# Cuffing the puppy
# Custer's Last Stand
# Dancing round the maypole
# Dancing the two-fisted tango
# Dancing with Johnnie One-Eye
# Dating Miss Michigan (think geography)
# Dating Mother Palm and her five daughters
# Dating Rosie Palm and her five sisters
# Debugging the hard drive
# Decongesting the weasel
# Devil's Handshake (Catholic School)
# Dick whacking
# Diddle whacking
# Diddling
# Digging for change
# Digitally oscillating one's penis
# Discharging the heat-seeking moisture missile
# Disciplining the primate
# Disseminating
# Do the Dew
# Dogger Bank
# Doin' a loner with your boner
# Doin' the solitary rhumba
# Doing a hand job
# Doing an impression of Goofy
# Doing battle with the Purple-Helmeted Warrior of Love
# Doing handiwork
# Doing it your way
# Doing the five-knuckle shuffle
# Doing the hand jive
# Doing the hand-cooter
# Doing the human version of AUTOEXEC.BAT
# Doing the janitor thing
# Doing the knuckle shuffle on the ol' piss pump
# Doing the plotkin
# Doing the pork sword jiggle
# Doing the sin of Onan
# Doing the White Knuckler
# Doing your own thing
# Doodling your noodle
# Downing at the club (for members only)
# Downing the pitcher
# Draining the dragon
# Draining the lizard
# Draining the main vein
# Draining the monster
# Draining the one-eyed monster
# Draining the poisons from the building
# Draining the vats
# Draining the vein
# Dripping white-hot coconuts from the veiny palm tree of lust
# Driving the skin bus
# Droppin' a wad of hot wax
# Dropping a line
# Dropping stomach pancakes
# Dropping the kids off at the pool
# Dry humping the ottoman
# Duking the Bishop
# Dundering the devil-dolphin
# Electing the president
# Emptying your sex pistol
# Engaging in safe sex
# Erupting Ol' Faithful
# Escorting the one-eyed postal worker out of his denim cell
# Evicting the testicular squatters
# Falling in love with your right hand
# Faxing Jimmy Dean
# Faxing the Pope
# Feeding the chooks
# Feeding the ducks
# Fetching milk
# Filling Charlie's magic sock
# Finding yourself
# Firing the flesh musket
# Firing the love rifle
# Firing the presidential staff
# Firing the Surgeon General
# Firming your worm
# Fishing for the two-toned trouser trout
# Fishing for zipper trout
# Fist fucking
# Fisting your mister
# Five against one
# Five knuckle Olympics
# Five on one
# Five-Digit Shuffle
# Five-finger discount
# Five-finger solo
# Five-knuckle chuckle
# Five-knuckle-shuffle on the old piss pump
# Fixing the toilet
# Flapping Takkie (South African)
# Flaying the Emperor
# Flick on over the thumb
# Flicking the bic
# Flipping the Bishop
# Floggin' the log
# Flogging the Bishop
# Flogging the dog
# Flogging the dolphin
# Flogging the dong
# Flogging the frog
# Flogging the General
# Flogging the hog
# Flogging the log
# Flogging the mule
# Flogging the salami
# Flogging your dong
# Flogging your dumber brother
# Flogging your log
# Flogging your stob
# Fluffing the pillow
# Flute solo
# Fly fishing
# Flying a kite
# Following my bliss
# Fondling the fig
# Fondling the fisherman
# Fondling the fountain
# Fooling with your tool
# Foreplay with Fistina
# Four-knuckle shuffle (for those who lost a finger in 'Nam)
# Freeing the hostages
# Freeing the Willies
# Freeing Willy
# Freeing your dick fish into the gene pool
# Frigging the love muscle (British)
# Friggit
# Frosting the pastries
# Fucking a pillow
# Fucking Mrs. Fist, the five-fingered widow
# Fun with friction
# Galloping the antelope
# Galloping the old lizard
# Ganging the plank
# Ganking
# Getting' your oil checked
# Gettin' jizzy with it
# Getting a date with Slick Mittens
# Getting a grip on things
# Getting a load off my mind
# Getting a milk mustache
# Getting a stiffy
# Getting busy
# Getting chafed
# Getting in touch with your manhood
# Getting in touch with yourself
# Getting off
# Getting tennis elbow
# Getting the dirty water off your chest
# Getting the German soldier marching
# Getting the glue stick
# Getting to know Miss Michigan
# Getting to know yourself
# Getting to know yourself personally in the "biblical sense"
# Getting your caps peeled
# Getting your exercise
# Getting your palm read by Mister Softee
# Getting your palm red
# Getting your pole varnished
# Givin' the one-eyed field mouse with the purple turtle-neck sweater a hot-butter nuggie
# Giving it a good once over
# Giving it a tug
# Giving Ms. Palm and and her five sisters a ride on the meat train
# Giving the John Hancock
# Giving the pink Mustang a lube job
# Giving the pink Mustang a spit shine
# Giving the seamen shore leave
# Giving your employee a raise
# Giving yourself a dishonorable discharge
# Giving yourself a hand
# Giving yourself a happy ending
# Giving yourself a helping hand
# Giving yourself a low five
# Glazing the donut
# Gluing the lady's eye's shut
# Going a couple of rounds with ol' Josh
# Going blind
# Going for the gold
# Going into battle with the purple-helmeted warrior
# Going on a date with Handrea and Palmela
# Going on a date with Rosey Palm and the five daughters
# Going on Peewee's little adventure
# Going steady with my bouncing Betty
# Going the blow
# Going to the basement
# Grappling the gorilla
# Greasin' up my love monkey
# Greasing the axle
# Greasing the flagpole
# Greasing the monkey
# Greasing the pipe
# Greasing your bone
# Gripping the pencil
# Hacking the hog
# Han Solo
# Hand job
# Hand Shandy
# Hand Solo
# Hand-starting the one-eyed yogurt thrower
# Hand work
# Hand-to-gland combat
# Handling heavy equipment
# Handling the hound
# Hands-on training
# Handy work
# Hanging out with Peter Tork
# Hanging the old man
# Hard labor
# Harping on Happy Harry Hard-on
# Hatchin' a batch
# Having a ball
# Having a Barclays Bank
# Having a bat
# Having a chuff
# Having a conversation with the one-eyed trouser snake
# Having a date with Fisty Palmer
# Having a date with Mrs. Thumb and her 4 daughters
# Having a date with Rosie Palm and her five sisters
# Having a ham shank
# Having a J. Arthur (British special, after J. Arthur Rank, it's rhyming slang)
# Having a one-night-stand with yourself
# Having a play date with your little friend
# Having a puppet show in your pants
# Having a Roy (Australian)
# Having a Sherman (British)
# Having a staff meeting
# Having a tommy tank
# Having a tug
# Having a tug-of-war with the cyclops
# Having an arm-wrestle with your one-eyed vessel
# Having dinner
# Having group sex with five friends
# Having it off
# Having one off the wrist
# Having sex with someone you love
# Heaving the heathen handhold
# Helping Mr. Happy
# Hitchhiking to heaven
# Hitchhiking under the Big Top
# Hitching to heaven
# Hitting the ham
# Hitting the sack
# Hitting the speedbump
# Hoisting the flag
# Holding all the cards
# Holding my own
# Holding the sausage hostage
# Honing the cone
# Honing your bone
# Honking the bobo
# Huffing on the hoagie
# Hugging the hog
# Hugging the sausage
# Humpin' air
# Humping your fist
# Humping your hose
# In the hand
# Irking the dude
# Ironing some wrinkles
# J. Arthur Rank (British rhyming slang - wank)
# Jack hammering
# Jackin'
# Jackin' the Beanstalk
# Jackin' your meat
# Jacking off
# Jacking up the hot rod
# Jag off
# Jammin' your jimmy
# Jazzing yourself
# Jelly roll
# Jenny Mccarthy Jaunt
# Jerkin' the gherkin
# Jerkin' the joystick
# Jerkin' your beef
# Jerking Jamby
# Jerking off
# Jerking the Johnson
# Jerking the turkey
# Jerking yanking daisy-chaining
# Jiggling the jewelry
# Jiggling your Johnson
# Jimmying your Joey
# Jizzlobbing
# Jogging the lizard
# Joining the Navy
# Joshing it
# Juice the Moose
# Juicing the jizz monster
# Jumping the jock
# Just combing my hair
# Just jerkin' it
# Keeping the Optometrists in business
# Kicking seamen
# Kicking your roommate out for five to ten minutes to "call your parents"
# Killing it
# Killing the Beast
# Killing the bird on punches
# Kneading my knockwurst
# Kneeding the bread
# Knockin' over the weeble
# Knocking one off
# Knocking the top off
# Knuckle nobbing
# Knuckle Shuffle on the ol' piss pump
# Knuckling the bone
# Launching the hand shuttle
# Launching the morning missile
# Launching the rocket
# Laying the smack down on yourself
# Leakin' the main drain
# Letting out the bulimic one-eyed monster
# Lighting the lava lamp
# Living it up
# Looking for ticks
# Loping the mule
# Love's labors lost
# Loving the lizard
# Loving the muppet
# Lubing the tube
# Make like Hans Solo and stroke your wookie
# Makin' moonshine
# Making a fist sandwich
# Making a foreskin cone
# Making a knuckle hot dog
# Making free hand lotion
# Making friends with Big Ed
# Making instant pudding
# Making nut butter
# Making soup for one
# Making special sauce with frank and beans
# Making the bald guy puke
# Making the Cyclops cry
# Making the cyclops do chin-ups 'til he throws up
# Making the llama spit
# Making the piggy squeal
# Making the scene with the magazine
# Making vanilla jism shakes
# Making with the tadpoles
# Making yogurt
# Making yourself at home
# Mangling the midget
# Manhandling the manhood
# Manhandling your man-handle
# Manipulating the mango
# Manning the cockpit
# Manual labor
# Manual override
# Masonic secret self handshake
# Massaging Mr. Ho-Ho
# Massaging the mink
# Massaging your muscle
# Massaging your purple-headed warrior
# Master bacon
# Measuring for condoms
# Medical wankorama
# Medieval folk dancing
# Meeting Mary Palm and her five sisters
# Meeting Rosie Hancock
# Meeting with Mother Thumb and her four daughters
# Meeting with Palmala Handerson
# Meeting your kids
# Milking one's self
# Milking the bull
# Milking the cow
# Milking the lizard
# Milking the monkey
# Milking the moose
# Milking the mule
# Milking the muscle
# Milking the weasel
# Milking your wood
# Milkywaying
# Million sperm march
# Minding my own business
# Moisturizing your hands with your beauty bar
# Molesting the mole
# Moulding hot plastic
# Mounting a corporal and four
# Much goo about nothing
# My sex life!
# Nerking your throbber
# Oiling the baseball bat
# Oiling the glove
# Oiling the mighty dick hinge
# Oiling the pogo stick
# Onan's Olympics
# Onanism
# One gun salute
# One hand clapping
# One handed shim sham
# One man show
# One off the wrist
# One stop shopping
# One-armed skiing
# One-handed workout
# One-man orgy
# One-man ring toss
# One-man show
# One-man tug-o-war
# Opening up a bottle of Squirt
# Organ solo
# Packing your palm
# Paddling the pickle
# Painting the ceiling
# Painting the pickle
# Painting the walls
# Painting your pants
# Palming the calm
# Pam Anderson Polka
# Pasting pages
# Pat the Robertson
# Pattin' the puppy
# Pedal and crank
# Pee Wee pleaser
# Peeing children
# Peeling some chilis
# Peeling the banana
# Peeling the carrot
# Performing a self-test
# Performing diagnostics on your ManTool
# Perling the oyster
# Petting the lizard
# Petting the puppy
# Petting the python
# Petting your animal
# Petting your dog
# Phoning the czar
# Pipping the pumpkin
# Playin' the bone-a-thon
# Playin' with hardballs
# Playin' with yourself
# Playing a little five-on-one
# Playing a one-stringed guitar
# Playing Billy Squier on the skin flute
# Playing five card draw with a handful of jacks
# Playing five card stud
# Playing in a one-man show
# Playing miniature golf
# Playing paintball with white paint
# Playing Peek-A-Boo with Mr. Johnson
# Playing peekaboo
# Playing peekaboo with Darth Vader
# Playing ping pong with your ding dong
# Playing pocket pinball
# Playing pocket polo with Agent Johnson
# Playing pocket pool
# Playing tag with the pink torpedo
# Playing the crotch trombone
# Playing the flesh flute
# Playing the male organ
# Playing the one-handed air guitar
# Playing the one-stringed melody
# Playing the organ
# Playing the piss pipe
# Playing the pisser
# Playing the skin flute
# Playing the solo symphony
# Playing the stand-up organ
# Playing tug-o-war with the cyclops
# Playing tug-o-war with the staked vampire 'til he flames up
# Playing Uno
# Playing with dick
# Playing with my little brother Peter
# Playing with Susi Palmer and her five friends
# Playing with the pogo stick
# Playing with the snake
# Playing with the spitting llama
# Playing with Yoosef
# Playing with your bird
# Playing with your noodle
# Playing with your turtle (for uncircumcised guys?)
# Playing with yourself
# Playing Yahtzee
# Playing your instrument
# Pleasing your pisser
# Pleasure pumping
# Plunking your twanger
# Poaching the salmon
# Pocket billiards
# Pocket pinball
# Pocket pool
# Poking palm
# Pole vaulting
# Polishing Percy in your palm
# Polishing the bayonet
# Polishing the beak
# Polishing the cane
# Polishing the chrome dome
# Polishing the family jewels
# Polishing the fire pole
# Polishing the helmet
# Polishing the hot rod
# Polishing the knob
# Polishing the Lighthouse
# Polishing the pink Mustang
# Polishing the Pope
# Polishing the purple people pleaser
# Polishing the rocket
# Polishing the rocking horse
# Polishing the rod
# Polishing the sword
# Polishing your bayonet
# Polishing your helmet
# Polishing your piece
# Popping a nut
# Popping the blister
# Popping the bone
# Popping the cork
# Popping the porpoise
# Popping the purple pimple
# Popping your top
# Pounding off
# Pounding the bald-headed moose
# Pounding the pud
# Pounding your flounder
# Pounding your piss pump
# Pounding your pud
# Pouring off the potatoes
# Practicing for the big game
# Praising God
# Preparing the carrot
# Priming the pump
# Pud wrestling
# Puddin'
# Pudwhacking
# Pullin' a few rounds
# Pulling off
# Pulling pud
# Pulling rank
# Pulling the blue-veined custard chucker
# Pulling the blue-veined junket pumper
# Pulling the bologna pony
# Pulling the carrot
# Pulling the Colonel Sanders Heimleich Manuever
# Pulling the cord
# Pulling the five-knuckle shuffle
# Pulling the goalie
# Pulling the handbrake
# Pulling the piss pump
# Pulling the pole
# Pulling the Pope
# Pulling the pork stick
# Pulling the root
# Pulling the rope
# Pulling the single serving soup dispenser
# Pulling the weed
# Pulling the wire
# Pulling your goalie
# Pulling your love muscle
# Pulling your own leg
# Pulling your plonker
# Pulling your power cord
# Pulling your prick
# Pulling your pud
# Pulling your taffy
# Pulling your wire
# Pummeling the priest
# Pumpin' the poodle
# Pumping cream
# Pumping for pleasure
# Pumping for power
# Pumping gas at the self-service island
# Pumping iron
# Pumping the electric goo gun
# Pumping the porpoise
# Pumping the python
# Pumping the soft soap dispenser
# Pumping the stump
# Punchin' the clown
# Punchin' the midget
# Punchin' the munchkin
# Punching the clown
# Punching the munchkin
# Punching the possum
# Punching the stepson
# Punching yourself in the crotch
# Punishing Percy
# Punishing Percy with the palm
# Punishing the Bishop
# Punishing the Pope
# Puttin' the tie on
# Qualifying in the testicular time trial
# Raising Stonehenge
# Raising the flag pole
# Raising the mainsail
# Raising your sail
# Ramming the ham
# Rapid delivery
# Rapid one arm pull-ups
# Reading poetry
# Releasing the Olympic Doves
# Relieving tension
# Reverse osmosis
# Riding the Great White Knuckler
# Riding the lightning
# Ringing the rag
# Rippin' the rocket
# Rocket piloting
# Rockin' the rooster
# Rolling the fleshy blunt
# Rolling your own
# Roman helmet rhumba
# Romancing the bone
# Romeo and Himself
# Rootin' for the Yankees
# Ropin' the long horn
# Roping the pony
# Roping the Pope
# Roughing the passer
# Roughing up the suspect
# Rounding up the tadpoles
# Rubbing off
# Rubbing one out
# Rubbing the Buddha for good luck
# Rubbing the magic one-eyed wonder weasel
# Rubbing the pink eraser
# Rubbing the rod
# Rubbing the unicorn's horn
# Running in single-user mode
# Running off a batch by hand
# Running the cheeta
# Sacrificing sperm to the god of lonely nights
# Safest sex
# Salting your nuts in the shell
# Sanding the obelisk
# Sanding wood
# Saying a private prayer in the Church of the First Holy Monkey
# Saying hello to Mr. Winkie
# Scalpin' the injun
# Schnauzer Shuffleboard
# Scouring the tower of power
# Scraping your carrot
# Scraping your horn
# Scratchin' the itch
# Scratching the cat pole
# Screwing your girlfriend Handgella
# Scromping the camper
# Seamen reporting for duty on the skin boat
# Seasonin' your meat
# Secret handshake
# Seeding the carpet
# Self abuse
# Self catering
# Self love
# Self-induced penile regurgitation
# Self-inflicted intercourse
# Sending a boy to the Academy
# Sending out the troops
# Sending yourself a hand-job-o-gram
# Sex with someone you really love
# Shagging
# Shakin' hands with Little Richard
# Shakin' the snot off your frog
# Shaking coconuts from the love tree
# Shaking hands with Abe Lincoln
# Shaking hands with beef
# Shaking hands with Jack McNasty
# Shaking hands with Johnson
# Shaking hands with Mr. Happy
# Shaking Hands with Mr. President
# Shaking hands with Shorty
# Shaking hands with the boss
# Shaking hands with the general
# Shaking hands with the goblin of love
# Shaking hands with the Governor
# Shaking hands with the midget
# Shaking hands with the one-eyed trouser trout
# Shaking hands with the President
# Shaking hands with the unemployed
# Shaking hands with your John Thomas
# Shaking hands with your wife's best friend
# Shaking hands with Yul Brenner
# Shaking the bottle
# Shaking the coconut milk of love from the leafless palm trunk
# Shaking the dice
# Shaking the hand of the self-employed
# Shaking the sauce
# Shaking the sausage
# Shaking the snake
# Shaking the sugar tree
# Shaking the white-out pen
# Shanking
# Sharpening your pencil
# Shavin' the carrot
# Shellacking the shellaleigh
# Shemping the hog
# Shifting gears
# Shifting to fifth gear with the pork spear
# Shining the helmet
# Shining the pork sword
# Shining the shaft
# Shining the shank
# Shining your pole
# Shootin' your splouge
# Shooting Cupid's arrow
# Shooting enemies
# Shooting flies
# Shooting for the moon
# Shooting for the stars
# Shooting putty at the moon
# Shooting Sherman
# Shooting skeet (pull...shoot)
# Shooting tadpoles at the moon
# Shooting the pump action porridge gun
# Shooting the sherbert
# Shooting to score
# Shooting your wad
# Shuckin' Bubba
# Shucking the corn
# Simple infanticide
# Singing with Donny Osmond
# Skipping rope
# Slaking the bacon
# Slammin' the salami
# Slamming the ham
# Slamming the hammer
# Slamming the salmon
# Slamming the spam
# Slamming the sump-pump
# Slap-Boxing the One-Eyed Champ
# Slappin' the purple-headed yogurt pistol
# Slappin' Pappy
# Slapping high fives with Yul Brynner
# Slapping it
# Slapping my happy sacks
# Slapping the big-nosed Rasta man
# Slapping the carrot
# Slapping the clown
# Slapping the Cyclops
# Slapping the donkey
# Slapping the FleshGopher
# Slapping the meat
# Slapping the pud
# Slapping the salami
# Slapping your chub
# Slaying the beast
# Slaying the dragon
# Sleeping
# Slicking the stick
# Slinging jelly
# Slinging the jelly
# Sloppy Joe's last stand
# Sloppy sign language
# Smackin' Isaiah
# Smacking Bob around
# Smacking the monkey
# Smacking the oompa loompa
# Smacking the salami
# Smacking the weasel
# Smacking the yak 'til it spits back
# Smacking your sister
# Smacking-off
# Smoking the bratworst
# Snappin' off a batch
# Snapping one off
# Snapping the carrot
# Snapping the monkey
# Snapping the radish
# Snapping the rubber
# Snapping the whip
# Snapping your carrot
# Solo flight
# Solo marathon
# Solo sex
# Solo spurting
# Soup of the day
# Spackling the ceiling
# Spanking Cheetah
# Spanking Elvis
# Spanking Frank
# Spanking the bishop
# Spanking the frank
# Spanking the monkey
# Spanking the plank
# Spanking the salami
# Spanking the wank
# Spanking up a batch
# Speaking into the microphone
# Spear chucking
# Spearing the Spartans
# Spending some quality time with yourself
# Spermin' Herman the one-eyed German
# Spewing your load
# Spilling my children on my belly
# Spit-polishing the purple helmet
# Spitting up
# Splashing one out
# Spluging
# Spreading the mayo
# Spunking
# Spunking the Monk
# Spurtin' Bert
# Squashing the sea monkey
# Squeezing the burrito
# Squeezing the Charmin
# Squeezing the cheese
# Squeezing the cream from the flesh Twinkie
# Squeezing the glue
# Squeezing the juice
# Squeezing the lemon
# Squeezing the snake with the turtleneck sweater
# Squeezing the tube of toothpaste
# Squeezing the weasel
# Squeezing your cheese-dog
# Squirting off your load in the school bathroom
# Squishing the fish
# Staff meeting
# Stall clapping
# Starting the day off right
# Stirring the batter
# Stirring the soup
# Stirring the yogurt
# Stoking the fire
# Strainin' the main vein
# Strangling Kojak
# Strangling the hog
# Strangling the one-eyed trouser snake
# Strangling the Serpent
# Stress relief for a personal appendage
# Stretching the limo
# Stretching the turtle neck
# Striking the pink match
# Striking your match
# Stripping the bark off your wood
# Stroke 'til you spew
# Strokin'
# Strokin' the mule
# Strokin' the sausage
# Stroking it
# Stroking off
# Stroking the balony pony
# Stroking the dog
# Stroking the lizard
# Stroking the mole
# Stroking the one-eyed burping gecko
# Stroking the salami
# Stroking the satin-headed serpent
# Stroking the snake
# Stroking the squirmin' German
# Stroking the stallion
# Stroking the wiener
# Stroking your goat
# Stroking your poker
# Stroking your pud
# Stroking your twinkie
# Stromming the Thurmond
# Strummin' my six inch
# Studying for a math test
# Sucker-punching the blind webster
# Swickin' it
# Swinging the jump rope
# Swinging the light saber
# Swinging the purple-veined kidney stabber
# Swinging the royal red reproduction rod
# Tagging off
# Takin' the bunt sign
# Taking a five minute vacation south of the border
# Taking a nap
# Taking a shake break
# Taking Captain Picard to Warp-Speed
# Taking care of business
# Taking control of yourself
# Taking Herman to the circus
# Taking little Elvis to Graceland
# Taking matters into your own hands
# Taking ol' one eye through the fly
# Taking ol' one eye to the Knuckle Shuffle
# Taking part in population control
# Taking some time off
# Taking the dog for a walk
# Taking the Jocelyn Elders Midterm
# Taking the monster for a one-armed ride
# Taking the sperm whale for a walk
# Taking your turn at the self-serve pump
# Talking quietly to yourself
# Talking turkey
# Taming the shrew
# Taming the wild hog
# Tamping your tater
# Tapping the turkey
# Target practice
# Target practice with the yogurt gun
# Target practicing with white ammo
# Taunting the one-eyed weasel
# Teaching a one-eyed Chinaman how to dance
# Teaching him a lesson
# Teaching your kids to swim
# Teasing the purple-headed custard chucker
# Teasing the python
# Teasing the Viking
# Teasing the weasel
# Teasing the weenie
# Teeing off
# Tenderizing the tube steak
# Tenderizing your meat
# Test-firing the meat missle
# Testicular tensile strength test
# Testing the hand cream dispenser
# Testing the testicles
# Testing your batteries
# That crazy hand jive
# The art of Unisex
# The Colonel Sanders Heimleich Maneuver
# The five digit disco
# The five-knuckle shuffle on the old piss pipe
# The five-finger hustle with Russel the one-eyed love muscle
# The serta solo
# The sticky page rhumba
# Thrapping
# Thrashing the weasel
# Threading a needle
# Throbbing the knob
# Throwin' down
# Throwing
# Throwing a shower
# Throwing off a batch
# Throwing one
# Throwing the hamster against the wall
# Throwing up mayo
# Thumping the pump
# Thumping your pud
# Thwackin' the sack
# Tickle the Elmo
# Ticklewigglejigglepickle
# Tickling my fancy
# Tickling the dragon's tail
# Tickling the ivory
# Tickling the one-eyed weasel
# Tickling the pickle
# Tickling the Polish salmon
# Toilet sailing
# Tonking
# Torkin' the fork
# Torqueing the turtle
# Torturing the tentacle
# Tossing off
# Tossing the boss
# Tossing the salad
# Tossing the sauce
# Tossing the snag
# Tossing the spam javelin
# Tossing the turkey
# Tossing the white ball
# Tossing yogurt
# Touching the penis
# Treating yourself right
# Trolling for the one-eyed walleye
# Trolling for trouser trout
# Trouser snake CPR
# Trouser trout dancing lesson
# Tube sock tango
# Tug of war with Cyclops
# Tuggin' the timber
# Tugging Mount Love
# Tugging old beater
# Tugging the rope
# Tugging the slug
# Tugging the tapioca tube
# Tugging the tossle
# Tugging the turkey
# Tugging your tubesteak
# Tuning my horn
# Tuning the antenna
# Tuning your organ
# Turning Japanese (UK - one step beyond wanking)
# Turning on your fire hose
# Tussle with your muscle
# Tussling the Muscle
# Twanging the wire
# Tweaking your twinkie
# Twisting your crank
# Twisting your tool
# Typing with one hand
# Uncorking the bottle
# Underarm javelin in the meat olympics
# Unloading
# Unloading the gun
# Unmasking Darth Vader
# Unsheathing the pork sword
# Unwrapping the pepperoni
# Using the Force on Darth Vader
# Using the force on your meat saber
# Using the ol' 1 wood
# Varnishing the cane
# Varnishing the flagpole
# Vibrating the viper and making him spit poison
# Violating the hedge-hog
# Visiting Old Faithful
# Visiting Rosy Palm and her five daughters
# Visiting the five-fingered widow
# Wacking a lap
# Wacking off
# Wacking the one-eyed worm
# Wacking the paddle
# Wacking the weasel
# Wacking the weiner
# Wacking the willie
# Wagging the dog
# Wailing
# Wakey wakey hands off snakey
# Waking the dead
# Waking Wee Willie Winkle
# Walking the dog
# Walking the plank
# Walking the snake
# Walking Wally the one-eyed wonder worm
# Waltzing with Willy
# Wank
# Wank-o-rama
# Wanking
# Wanking off
# Wanking with the one-eyed wonder weasel
# Warming up the altar boy's dinner
# Washing the elephant's trunk
# Washing the meat
# Washing the wolverine
# Wasting your wad
# Watching the geyser
# Waving the Magic Wand
# Waxing pedro
# Waxing the beanpole
# Waxing the car
# Waxing the carrot
# Waxing the dolphin
# Waxing the flipper
# Waxing the old goal post
# Waxing the rocket
# Waxing your Jackson
# Waxing your surfboard
# Waxing your weasel
# Waxing your Willy
# Whackin' the weasel
# Whacking it
# Whacking off
# Whacking the axe
# Whacking Willy
# Whacking your tack
# Whippin' the whopper
# Whipping off
# Whipping skippy
# Whipping the balls
# Whipping the bishop
# Whipping the dummy
# Whipping the one-eyed trouser snake
# Whipping the one-eyed wonder weasel
# Whipping the pony
# Whipping the rat
# Whipping the stiff
# Whipping the walrus
# Whipping the window washer
# Whipping the wire
# Whipping up a batch
# Whipping up some sour cream
# Whipping Willy the one-eyed wonder-worm
# Whipping your dripper
# White-water wristing
# Whitewashing
# Whittling the stick
# Whizzin' jism
# Whomping the walrus
# Wiggling your worm
# Winding my watch
# Winding the Jack in the Box
# Windsurfing on Mount Baldy
# Wonking your conker
# Wonking your donk
# Workin' out a stiff joint
# Working a cramp out of your muscle
# Working off
# Working off a batch
# Working overtime at the meat factory
# Working up a batch
# Working your Willy
# Wrapping my hand around my cock and blowing a load all over my mother
# Wrestling the alligator
# Wrestling the eel
# Wrestling the gator
# Wrestling the one-eyed monster
# Wrestling the purple-headed warrior
# Wrestling with Jimmy
# Wrestling with the bald champ
# Wrestling with the one-eyed superhero
# Wringing out your rope
# Wringing the weasel
# Wringing your thing
# Wringing your weasel
# Wrist aerobics
# Yahtzee
# Yank my Doodle (It's a Dandy)
# Yankin' it
# Yankin' your chain
# Yankin' your Franklin
# Yanking off
# Yanking the crank
# Yanking the doodle
# Yanking the yoyo
# Yanking your chain
# Yanking your crank
# Yanking your plank
# Yanking your Yoda
# Yogurt slinging
# Zipper Olympics
# Zygote spraying

[dhinojosa]

1. Boxing with Richard?

LMAO!!

[achtung_circus]

2. Do you think

that maybe you've put a little too much thought into this?

[khashka]

3. Bop

She bop, he bop uh we bop
I bop, you bop uh they bop
Bebop bepob a loobop
Oh yeah, she does it, she bop.

Khash, some big bopper guy.

[EstimatedProphet]

4. Locking

No sex threads
Besides, you forgot "waxing the lance".