need advice on wake/funeraL etiquette

[sniffa]

my brother-in-Law's uncLe is on his Last Leg (hours to maybe days). i'LL be going to the wake, but i'm curious if i shouLd go to the funeraL?
my mom-dukes caLLed to Let me know, and intimated that i onLy go to the wake.

i'm not cLose with my BIL (or my sister too much) and i bareLy knew his uncLe, if that affects the the decision.

[Lydia Leftcoast]

1. I don't know what your family's traditions are

The wake is usually where the body is laid out for viewing and people stop by to express their sympathy, if that's any help in your decision.

The funeral is what you do just before the burial or cremation.

[Bunny]

2. Go to the wake. No need to attend the actual funeral, unless you

genuinely want to go.

[AlCzervik]

3. I would probably skip the wake and just go to the funeral.

[Obamarama]

4. Don't go to the wake OR the funeral....

If you're not close to your brother-in-law, his wife (your sister) and you barely knew the dead guy (or soon to be dead guy), then there's no reason to go to either. When it comes down to etiquette, it would be tacky to go to either given your loose association with the man.

It's bad enough to have to attend these things when the deceased is someone you know well....why would you want to attend for someone you barely know.

[southlandshari]

5. How far away is the funeral?

I don't see any reason for you to travel any long distance in this situation, given the facts you have given.

You are going to the wake, right? That, to me, is more than enough to show your respect for the members of your family more directly affected if/when he passes away. No need to go to the funeral as well unless it is within easy driving distance and you have no other obligations (like going to work, for example) at the same time!

You know how dysfunctionally polite I am as a Deep South woman, and so if I say it is ok to skip it, I think that's as good as an answer from Miss Manners!

:pals:

[Spinzonner]

6. I think the measure is what it will mean to your family

and your sister in particular. It obviously won't matter to your BIL's uncle.

If this is a way to have a reapproachment with your sister - and her husband - perhaps you should attend regardless of the lack of connection to the uncle. Perhaps your BIL had a close relationship with his uncle that makes it especially important to him.

What is your mom's reasoning for what you should attend ? Perhaps she has an insight to the situation beyond just the ettiquite of it.

[WCGreen]

7. The wake is where you meet the people who are

going through the sorrow. They are the ones that need to be comforted and to know that the recently deceased made an impact on life. For them.....

But after the funeral, there is always a party and always food....

Just saying

[Midlodemocrat]

8. Perfectly acceptable to go only to the wake

to support your sister and BIL. If would be different if it were BIL's dad or mom, then you should probably go to both.

Sorry your family is going through this.

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

9. Funerals and wakes are for the living not the dead

It is acceptable to go to one or the other. There is no obligation to attend both. YOur going is a sign of respect to your BIL for his loss. That said, use that info to determine what you should do.

[miss_kitty]

10. wake etiquette

no double dipping

[xmas74]

11. Only go if you were close to the person or if you are close to

those who are grieving. If you are not close to either than don't worry about it.
If you want to express your sympathy you could send a card, a plant or (if they live close by) a deli platter of some sort(food is always a good thing-families don't feel like cooking when they are making arrangements) w/ a simple message that they are in your thoughts.

[LaurenG]

12. Whatever you do you will be doing for the BIL

He'll appreciate the fact that you came to either. At least that's how I would feel if I were him. I'd just feel supported that you came to either.

[bettyellen]

13. out of respect for your sister, go to the wake.

but you don't need to go to the funeral at all.
:hi: