my entire family is dead

[bliss_eternal]

to me now.

long story short--i come from severe abuse(both parents). severed ties years ago--after much hard work on my part. only maintained relationships with a few w/in family, those that seemed to understand and/or saw the abuse for themselves, respected that i did what i had to to preserve my mental health. now i see i can no longer keep some of these relationships as people are not respecting my boundaries--going behind my back and keeping one abuser informed of my goings on. not cool.

i'm so hurt and angry right now...

i have absolutely no family whatsoever...

[Mojambo]

1. You have a family here.

Sorry to hear about your troubles.
:hug:

[bliss_eternal]

13. thank you...

:hug:

[Joe Chi Minh]

59. As well as other DUers,

I believe that like everyone else, Bliss Eternal, you'll have good as well as bad ancestors, and they will have taken great pleasure in the way you've managed to handle such difficult things (however they were described would be euphemisms), and be watching over you all your days. Pray to them from time to time, as well as for them. The "Communion of Saints" referred to in the Creed means just that. We are able to communicate with all the faithful departed by prayer, and they with us.

A wonderful post by SoCalDem! "And never looked back...!"

[MrScorpio]

2. Stay strong and move on

We've got your back

:hug:

[bliss_eternal]

15. ...that's good to know

thank you so much.

:hug:

[ahem]

3. I'm very sorry.

I hope you have loving people around you to help with your pain. Remember that a family of choice can be just as real as a family of origin. Make a new family.

I'd give you a big hug if I could.

:grouphug:

[bliss_eternal]

12. Thank you for the hugs--I really needed them.

:hug:

I appreciate it!

[ahem]

18. Any time!

If you ever need to blow off steam about this, feel free to PM me. Talking about it, when you need to, is really important.

[tavalon]

26. More real, much of the time

[SoCalDem]

4. I did the same thing years ago and never looked back.

You have to give yourself PERMISSION to stop the cycle..Cutting the ties that bind and gag you is the first step.

Create "new' family.. You cannot choose your family, but you sure as hell can choose your friends and "new' family.. Stick with people who uplift you and make you feel good about yourself, and cut the toxic family loose..

There will be times when you waver, but don't get sucked back into the vortex of drama..

[bliss_eternal]

6. My biggest mistake was looking back...

Your post brought tears to my eyes, I needed to hear this. Thank you!

I never would have thought after all this time and all the work I've done that this would hurt this way. This was my last hope--my fave relative. This person's ties to their sib just outweigh their ability to respect my boundaries.

I see it as it is, and not how I want it to be. I gotta' go, they suck... Even as the healthiest relative, this person is still sick and toxic (unfortunately).

thank you again for your kind and uplifting words.

[SoCalDem]

17. If you have small kids, it's especially importnat.

they need to see you strong and healthy..not crippled by inadequacies brought out by family problems..

I never cut my kids off from the family.. Their relationships were different from mine..they were grandchildren and nephews..but over time, they ended up seeing why I could no longer participate,, People do not change their true nature and my sons saw it as they got older..

My sonbs are my staunchest supporters :)

[bliss_eternal]

20. I don't have kids (yet)--haven't decided if we will...

But I know just what you mean. When I got married, I severed a lot, as I loved my dh more than to expose him to such insanity. I guess it is only natural that as time would go on, I would discover more housecleaning to do.

It was really good of you to allow your sons to have relationships with them, and to allow them to see it for themselves. It's wonderful that they support you! They sound awesome!

[Wetzelbill]

5. You have us...for sure

Stay strong, you did the right thing. You need to look out for yourself and your well being. We'll give you all the support that we can. No doubt. Just take care of yourself. :)

[enigmatic]

7. You have one here

The smartest thing I ever learned was the the definition of "family" didn't really mean flesh and blood, it meant a group of people who loved each other unconditionally and w/o malice, however different their ideology and personality.

You've got a family here, just as I have a family, too. It's not bound by flesh and blood, it's bound by love.

[Heidi]

8. Yes.

For me, it's more about "tribe" than blood relations.

[bliss_eternal]

10. No truer words were ever spoken...

the definition of family--thank you. Sometimes I forget this, and get caught up in trying to get something from the people I was born to...

:hug: & a big thank you!

[lildreamer316]

30. This sums it up:

The bond that links your true family is not one of blood, but of respect and joy in each other's life. Rarely do members of one family grow up under the same roof.
Richard Bach, Illusions <1977>

[Heidi]

9. We're here.

Take good care of _you_, bliss eternal. :hug:

[bliss_eternal]

11. Thank you, Heidi!

I like the way that sounds (and feels)--tribe.

Sometimes the people that can make you most miserable, are the blood related ones.

[LaurenG]

14. I am sorry

Betrayal is not cool. :hug:

[bliss_eternal]

16. The sad thing is they wouldn't get how betrayed I feel

even if I told them. They see nothing wrong with their actions, and would do it again.

But I appreciate your caring words--thank you.

[LaurenG]

28. I know

The way I handled this was to stay away from my family. They weren't able to accept boundaries or limits. I was always kind to them but I wouldn't allow them to hurt me and I would always defend myself if I felt I needed to. The minute they started I would make myself unavailable.

Eventually most of them came around and stared to grow up - some. I also began to see how vulnerable they were and it made be sad. The choices that we make at the smallest level can really hurt or hinder us. My best suggestion would be to really take care of you. Figure out what you need and meet your own needs. People are out here who can nurture you when you need it and hug you and help you to see no matter what you are a deserving being and love and respect are to be the norm, not something we should have to beg for. Don't let them tell you of who you are, find out and define yourself by being very good to you.
:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

[bliss_eternal]

35. I appreciate your wisdom.

It sounds like you've been there, too. Sorry that you unfortunately know from experience where I am--I wouldn't wish this on anyone.

The enablers at this point or equally guilty of abuse, by going behind my back.

Now they will also be blocked from my phone and get no more cards, letters, phone calls, etc. Period.

[Joe Chi Minh]

67. That's what I meant about some people

being incapable of outrage, bliss_eternal.

[NMMNG]

19. I'm sorry to hear what you went through

It was bad enough to go through the original abuse, but to be betrayed by the family members you thought you could trust was a slap in the face.

Ahem is right, a chosen family is often just as important (or even moreso) than one you are in via birth or marriage. Or, as I read on a plaque, Friends are our Chosen Family.

Stand strong, we are all here for you. :grouphug:

[bliss_eternal]

22. Thank you, Buffy(I just love your name)...

...the smilie on your thread helped to cheer me up.

I cut a relationship w/another family member for the same reason earlier in the year, for similiar reasons. So I feel that much more alienated from them.

It isn't easy, but I know that it's for the best.

[LordshipLadyship]

21. Your life just started.

It took me more than 40 yrs to understand that my family abused me, all of them except for my grandfather, and I had that relationship for far too short of a time.

Now, you'll live. Not in their shadow, not by their boundaries, but in your own way and in your own time, with your own feelings.

Be hurt. Be angry. Afterwards, live. It's going to suck that it took so long to get here. Don't let that pain interfere with your life for long. This is Day One. Your life just started.

This place is your family too.

Take care of yourself.

[bliss_eternal]

36. I like the way you put this...

It's such a positive way to see it all. Thank you for that.

I'm very sorry to hear that you too are a survivor of abuse. I wish you didn't have to go through that--it truly sucks, indescribable.

Thank you for the positive vibes and thoughts. :hug: It means a lot!

[radwriter0555]

23. Ah yes, the parentectomy. I had one 12 years ago and it was THE BEST thing

I ever did for myself and my daughter.

Don't look back. Don't respond, don't call, don't send letters, do nothing.

It took my mother more than 10 years to stop harrassing me, even though I never took one phone call or responded to one single call or letter.

I made a new family with people who love me, and whom I trust and love.

[radwriter0555]

24. The MOST IMPORTANT THING is to forgive them, and forget them. Forget the

pain, the hurt, the torture, the cruelty. Stop thinking about it in any way shape, or form. When you catch yourself wallowing, make the effort to think of something different that you love, that pleases you, a task you have to accomplish; it's called reframing, and is how we stop the ANTS creeping into our heads (Antagonistic, Negative Thoughts).. reframe, form nice thoughts that please you, and you'll move on quickly.

[area51]

63. "forgive them"?

I know what abuse is first-hand; screw that shit.

To bliss_eternal, :hug:

[blueknight]

25. take care of yourself,

i feel for you. :hug:

[bliss_eternal]

37. I was still trying to keep communication open with others

but I see now this was a mistake. I should have taken the route you did--give them nothing. Oh well, live and learn. No more phonecalls, letters, greeting cards for birthdays, holidays, etc. I'm serious that they are all dead to me now.

This is such a betrayal. I don't know what she was thinking. If I wanted them to know about my life, I would have a relationship with them, or tell them myself...duh! It's such an invasion of my privacy and the relationship I thought I was building with this relative.

I've decided to not even get into it with them--they are now cut off too. I could tell her and she wouldn't get it, or just turn it around somehow on me.

I yelled at her a bit when she shared that she'd been telling this person about what was going on with me, her response...

"...well deep down, every parent wants to know what's going on with their child. Deep down in her own way, I know she really loves you in her own way..."

:wtf:
I wanted to spit fire! :grr: :grr: :grr:

This is the kind of retarded bullshit, that fucked up my life to begin with, believing that people that treated me like utter shit, really loved me in spite of the way they behaved. Riiiight.

I had Two black eyes before the age of five...that's love. I guess right after she punched me in the face, she said she loved me. Of course, that's love. Thanks, I'll file that under bullshit that I choose not to listen to anymore.

Sorry for the length...

[bliss_eternal]

40. parentectomy--cool term. I had kind of struggled for a while

w/what to call it. I think that fits pretty well.

No more looking back, calling, letters, greeting cards, etc. With the parents they've got nothing from me in many years. I was still trying to keep communication open with a few of the others(aunts, cousins, grandparent, bro, etc.) No more. They can't handle the responsibility and apparently I don't matter much to them anyway. If I did, they wouldn't betray me this way, and consider my boundaries.

I appreciate you sharing your experience and your success with this method. It helps me a great deal to know others have been where I am and have made it through.

Thank you. :hug:

[roguevalley]

27. come. sit by me.

[bliss_eternal]

38. Okay--

:hi: here I am...thank you.

[lildreamer316]

29. Love

to you. Stay strong and I hope you can find peace.

[mogster]

31. Big hug!

:hug: :hug:

You have a family at the DU.

[bliss_eternal]

41. Hug of appreciation--

:hug:

Thank you!

I like my DU family--it rocks!

[RFKHumphreyObama]

32. You have my thoughts, prayers and positive vibes extended to you

:hug:

[bliss_eternal]

43. I always appreciate good vibes--thank you!

:hug:
I need those now, more than ever.

[caty]

33. Subject: Life is full of hard choices.

You have an obligation to yourself to avoid people who are harmful to your mental, emotional, and physical well being. If someone is harmful--stay away from them. Many of us have had to make our families with friends. If they have abused or betrayed you---they don't deserve you in their lives. Give your "family time" to friends who really care, respect, and are loyal to you.

[bliss_eternal]

42. So true--

I try to live this way--only spending time and energy with people that appreciate and respect me (vice versa)...

I guess it was just time for me to realize I had a little dead weight of residual negativity to get rid of. It's sad in a way, but I've gone through the worst of it years ago. Just time to clean house again, so to speak.

Thank you for your kind, wise words! I appreciate your support,caty!
:hug:

[caty]

47. >>

:hug:

[GreenPartyVoter]

34. You've got your DU family. Not the same, I know, but at least

you are loved and valued here. :hug:

[bliss_eternal]

44. Thank you--DU has offered such amazine support!

I'm blown away by all the kind, supportive and wonderful things people have said to me here.

:hug:

[Kire]

39. I added you to my buddy use.

I mourned my mother's "death" in therapy before my father died for real. She's dead to me now, too.

[bliss_eternal]

45. Thank you, kire--I'm very sorry to hear

you've had a similiar occurence in your life. I'm so sorry for your loss. It's not an easy thing to go through, ever.

:hug:

Thank you for your support!

[Kire]

51. thank you

I meant to say buddy list (but the word 'use' came out instead), why that is I have no idea. I've been pretty clumsy on the keyboard lately. I'm always editing and re-editing.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

46. Be here with us! We care about you, and we will watch your back...

I am fortunate to have a loving family....but I also have a loving family right here on DU....

It matters not that this isn't 'real life.' To me, the virtual is just as REAL as the physical...

There is a strong, loving community here and you are part of it, and of us!

:grouphug:

[bliss_eternal]

48. Thank you so much...

oh and hello, CaliforniaPeggy!

:hi:

[Maestro]

49. Cut ties and move on

I see abusers in my life as a school administrator. They are some of the worst people. I am sorry you went through what you did. I wish you strenght and composure. Move on and leave these a$$holes behind. You have won and survived. Your family are your friends, DU and any other good soul you meet. There is much to look forward to. Leave them behind in the dirt where the belong. Sorry to seem harsh but I just can't stand abusers!!!!!!

[bliss_eternal]

50. Your post reminds me of a woman I knew. She was a deputy

sheriff, that hated the abusers she frequently had to accompany rs to court. She said she felt badly because everytime she had a child abuser with her, she was ALWAYS tempted to trip them, so they would fall down the stairs--or to push them for the same result.

Wonder why that always cracked me up....hmmmm. :sarcasm: lol.

Thank you, Maestro. You don't seem harsh at all. They do belong in the dirt. Anyone that would tell someone that heard and suffered the things I did at a parent's hands--that some part of the abuser loves that child (me)in spite of all they did, is just as sick as the abuser as far as I'm concerned. n/t.

Thank you, for being you! :hug:

[Quetzal]

52. I was very much the whipping boy in my family

As other DUers have mentioned, do not ever turn back. I haven't spoken or seen any of them for about a year now and I am in a much better posistion now.

[bliss_eternal]

54. Hi Quetzal--

I'm very sorry to hear you were designated scapegoat in your family. :( I know what you mean, though. I'm glad that you had the courage and strength to walk away from them. They don't deserve you if they don't know how to appreciate you. It's their loss.

Thank you for your words of support--it means a lot! :hug:

bliss:hi:

[Systematic Chaos]

53. Kick, hugs and positive vibes for you.

You're among a truly great group of people here at DU. I don't think there's much I can add to everything that's already been said, since I just discovered this thread. But, I will do my best to offer encouragement and cheer for you, whenever I can. :)

[bliss_eternal]

55. Hi Gentle Giant--

I appreciate your response--thank you for your warm and supportive words. I love being a part of DU and do feel supported here--thank you! :hug:

I appreciate your support. :hi:

[Rising Phoenix]

56. anytime you need to talk...

PM me... I know how it feels to feel you have no family... but you do, you just have to know where to look

[bliss_eternal]

57. Gosh--thanks, Sniffa!

That's so sweet of you!

:pals: :hi:

I appreciate your support!

[zigster]

58. Read this book

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0553284347?v=glance

I've been there....I've been the victim of an abusive parent (My mother. My parents were divorced) Went through twenty years of therapy (which didnt do any good). Grew up dysfunctional and emotionally scarred. STILL dealing with the pain, but with the help of the above book, am working on it.

You are doing the right thing.

[bliss_eternal]

61. Welcome to DU, zigster! Thank you for your response...

I actually own that book! It's good to know it's also helping others.

That book helped me to give myself permission to walk away from my mother and father years ago. I love that book--it has served me well.

I'm sorry to hear of your negative experiences with your mother. I hope that things are better for you now.

:hug:

[MarianJack]

60. You Have a Family Here!

:grouphug: :pals: :hug: :loveya:

[bliss_eternal]

62. Thank you, MarianJack!

I'm happy to be here and to be considered family here, too.

:grouphug:

:pals:

[Joe Chi Minh]

64. After the returned Vietnam vets,

another application of the Psalmist's prophetic words (foreseeing Christ's Passion):

"I looked in vain for compassion,
for consolers; not one could I find.

For food they gave me poison,
in my thirst they gave me vinegar to drink."

For a woman, and when it's your own family, the betrayal of your love must have been a particularly heavy cross. My wife's such a family/people person, there's hardly a day of the year she's not sending someone a greeting card of some kind.

Personally, much as I love my family, I'm more aware of Jesus' words, "Who is my mother? He who does the will of my Father in Heaven is my mother, my brother, my sister, etc".

In your shoes, I'd concentrate on being grateful for finding out about them. You're in the box seat now. I guarantee, they'll miss you, more than you'll miss them. Not because they would be genuine "people" people, but because your goodness and friendship will have served to validate them in their own wretched guilty eyes.

When you two bliss eternals meet in the hereafter, you'll be able to compare notes with David, as well the Boss - though you'll have better things to think of and talk about, there.

[bliss_eternal]

65. I'm so moved by your words...

...and profound wisdom. Thank YOU so MUCH! I appreciate the beautiful thoughts you've shared with me.

:pals: Thank you!

[Joe Chi Minh]

66. Thank you, bliss_eternal.

The words of scripture can be so mysterious, haunting, and profound beyond belief, can't they? Especially, in the Psalms, in Isiah, and Jesus' own words, on occasions, in the Gospels.

Musically, I've found some of that extraordinary tenderness expressed in them is beautifully conveyed by what I believe they call plainchant, though there may be another name. I'm not sure. I used to have one or two tapes of it. It can be heard at sung Masses.

Well, I suppose the incredibly haunting quality of such passages in the scriptures, the extraordinarily intimate and mysterious resonance they have with our soul, is because as Christians, particularly when we suffer innocently (no good deed... remember...!?!), we are what Origen, a Church Father (the more or less direct successors of the Apostles), called "types" of Christ.

As regards this particular cross of yours, in those brutal black eys given you as a little tot, by your own mother, you were a particularly graphic representation of the suffering Christ, and then, also, in your betrayal by a false-friend relative.

This, in Psalm 40, is very much to the point in the latter connection, I think:

..."My enemies whisper together against me
They all weigh up the evil which is on me:
'Some deadly thing has fastened upon him,
he will not rise again from where he lies',
Thus even my friend, in whom I trusted,
who ate my bread, has turned agaisnt me.

But you O Lord, have mercy on me.
Let me rise once more and I will repay them.
By this I shall know that you are my friend
if my foes do not shout in triumph over me.
If you uphold me I shall be unharmed
and set in your presence for ever more.

Blessed be the Lord, the God of Israel
from age to age. Amen. Amen."....

In John 17, Jesus once prayed to his Heavenly Father, "It is for these I pray; I am not praying for the world, but for those whom you have entrusted to me; they also belong to you...."; and in the Epistles, we are told that we are not required to pray for everyone.

There are some sins that are evidently so wicked that they are simply unforgivable, because the individuals concerned are incorrigible. This is stated in one of the Epistles, though it not clarified. Judas had followed Jesus for three years, and personally witnessed his total self-giving love, his unutterable kindness (which he tried to mask with a gruff tone and manner - rather incompetently, I have to say!). What more could Christ have done to make a man of him?

If you ever choose to pray for any of them in the future, well it won't be for them, as you know them, but for any vestigial remnant of goodness in them - probably an unlikely eventuality. In which case, your prayer/blessing would surely come back to you, so never feel conflicted. But don't be prepared to have anything to do with them, contact-wise, ever again, unless they virtually fall at your feet loudly and tearfully beg your forgiveness. And then "on probation"! Forgiveness requires genuine remorse on the part of the offender.

C S Lewis, that wonderful Christian writer once pointed out (I think in his book, "Surpised by Joy"), that to be incapable of feeling outrage is anything *but* a virtue. Unfortunately, it is quite a feature of our modern society, and the people concerned believe that, because this sorry deficiency on their part, they are holier and more compassionate than Christ.

PS:
I fear this may sound like a mixed message, bliss_eternal, but it's not. I'm not recommending that you pray for any of them. I just fear that you may, some time in the future, get to feel a warm glow again about the ones you'd confided and thought were your friends, and then feel conflicted and anguished about it. Remember, God would know better than to listen to you, if you did get that warm family glow and it was misconceived.

[Ladyhawk]

68. (((((((((((((( bliss_eternal ))))))))))))))

I've been there. It hurts, doesn't it? :(

:hug: