At what age do you take a kid to a funeral?

[davsand]

My Uncle died. He's been sick for a while, we knew it was coming--it is really more of a release--ya know? My 8 year old (Material Girl as I call her on here) knows he passed and is most unhappy with me that I don't want to take her to the funeral tomorrow.

I have no doubt that she can act appropriately during the funeral service. I'm more worried about the whole "morbid little girl thing" that seems to be so popular at this age. We had to do a funeral for a dead raccoon we found in the yard a while back. She's STILL talking about "Cousin Todd" who died about three months ago, and she'd never even MET him. (Neither had I for that matter...) She asks why people have to die.

I have joked that maybe we should have named her "Morticia" but I'm also worried about leaving her freaked out by the whole funeral thing.

What age were YOU when you went to a funeral for someone that was not immediately in your circle? I don't remember going to funerals much before my teens--but maybe we were just lucky--I dunno.

Opinions and advice, PLEASE!!!!!



Laura

[ulysses]

1. I was younger than Material Girl

at my paternal grandfather's funeral - five, maybe. The memories are vague, but I remember the flag being handed to my dad.

I don't think eight is too young. If she wants to go, I'd take her. My two cents. :hi:

on edit: Sorry to hear about your uncle, Laura, but I understand the "release" aspect.

[Kathleen04]

2. I actually

haven't been to a funeral..only "memorial services". But, I would think that your kid should be able to handle it, as long as it isn't an open casket service..that would be too much, IMO.

I don't think that you have to be worried about leaving her freaked out as she doesn't seem freaked out by the concept..I'd think..

[ayeshahaqqiqa]

3. 6

but it was an open coffin, and I still have memories of what my great-grandmother, and, two years later, my grandfather looked. Creeped me out to the max; these were people I knew and was around a lot before their death, and an embalmed corpse doesn't look like the living person you knew. If the service is closed casket, or if you don't have to sit on the front row, it might be ok. Personally, I wouldn't take a kid to an open casket funeral. Makes for a horrible last memory of someone.

[Kire]

4. you should take her

and get over yourself while you're at it

[davsand]

5. Get over myself?

Can you expand on that, please?

Laura

[Kire]

10. maybe I should ask you to expand on the "morbid little girl" thing

is that like a Goth thing?

sorry for being so rude - I really am

I just don't think kids should be "protected" from a basic societal function like a funeral - doing that is so bourgeious for lack of a better word - it's just so overbearing

[davsand]

14. There's a fixation with death going on.

There is a sort of fascination with it. She and her pals find a dead bird and it generates endless speculation on why it died and what happened to it. When she's with the other little girls it is a sort of play--but later she talks to me about it and it clearly leaves her upset.

She has bad dreams about us dying. She worries that someone is gonna break in and kill us all some night (We live in a town of about 200 people--I'm talking LOW crime rates here.) She worries--period.

I have talked to her about death. We lost a pet a few years ago and while we all cried we talked about life and death and how they are different parts of each other. I have shown her seasonal changes and pointed out the natural cycles of life and death in our yearly cycle.

I've even sent the child to Bible School (In spite of being pagan myself) because I want her to see the alternate view of resurrection and eternal life as presented in the Christian tradition. (She came home freaked out by the entire crucifixion idea, BTW.)

She is a kind and sympathetic soul who will do well in life and be able to cope with the hurts of others with compassion and caring. I have complete faith in her ability to cope with the hurts of others, but I am very scared of how she will deal with a funeral and death of a person she knows in a tangible form...

Sorry if I sounded smug--I really don't feel that way at all.


Laura

[Kire]

16. ok, gotcha

then I suggest you do whatever feels right, like, you could ask her if she wants to go, giving her alternatives

that sounds like something that could get complicated, but at the same time your reaction to it is important too. watch your own dreams and feelings when this stuff happens.

but, the reason I guess I had a strong reaction is that I don't want to see you (or anybody) "protect" their children from funerals because of some kind of aversion on your part. I hope you get what I'm saying.

My mother is really a disturbed person because she avoids confronting "painful feelings". She was laughing and carrying on at my father's funeral, insisting "this has to be a celebration". It was incredibly fucking sad. And then came time to scatter the ashes and she just threw them up in the wind and laughed and carried on. It's really pathological.

What really got to me was that she refused to have any kind of prayer at her service. She entrusted me to compose the format of what goes where, and who speaks before whom, and what music gets played when. But, she just got completely offended by the fact that I put in one (non-denominational) prayer. It didn't even have to be a Christian prayer. Just a solemn word by the Unitarian Priest (who was going to be there anywyay) acknowledging his death and the wonders of what happens when we die. Something like that, but she is a fundamentalist atheist, I guess and I am not.

Anyway, I haven't spoken to her in several months. I just can't deal with her insanity anymore. I'd hate to see that happen to you (or anybody else).

Apologies for being abrupt. I guess I really wanted to get your attention.

Thanks,

Erik

[cornermouse]

18. You probably would not have understood or appreciated

Jim Henson's funeral either, would you.

[Kire]

21. what the hell are you talking about?

I understand and appreciate that funerals are celebrations of life. What you don't seem to understand is that I don't appreciate if someone tries to turn a funeral into nothing but a party with no solemnity at all. Do you understand that?

What was Jim Henson's funeral like? I bet it was cool.

[cornermouse]

37. It was a party.

A celebration of a life well lived. The first time I realized that a funeral could be directed toward reviewing a life well lived, not an orgy of grief. In addition to the following, he had clowns and butterflies. I think I also remember reading about characters dancing in the aisles. Apparently he even had a dixieland band.

In short, he had a party.

[Kire]

56. cool

[cornermouse]

17. If death upsets her as you said it does, you shouldn't take her.

In my opinion, the calendar age isn't as important as the mental and emotional maturity. From the sounds of it, the funeral could give her problems at this point in time.

[ulysses]

6. ?

Sit down, have some dip...

She was asking for advice. "Get over yourself" is a bit much, no?

[Kire]

11. a bit much

yes

[ulysses]

15. I just think there's a balance to be struck.

Depends on the child. They tend to let you know.

[kiraboo]

7. I think it depends on the child. Some kids are really prone

to fantasies and fears. Some are much more stoic and accepting. You have to decide whether appropriate behavior is the same thing as emotional maturity. It may well be. Having said that, my father-in-law died when my daughter was four. I was naive and went along with my MIL's insistence that she attend the open-casket wake. Even I had never before seen a body laid out for display in that way. Mercifully my little girl slept through the whole thing. She's fourteen now and still can't deal with even driving by a graveyard.

[Rabrrrrrr]

8. If she wants to go, you should take her. Never deny a child their wishes

when it comes to funerals.

Any child is old enough to go to a funeral, if they feel up to it. No child is old enough, if they don't feel up to it.

And if she decides last minute that she doesn't want to, then let her sit outside or in the pastor's office or somewhere during the funeral.

you should never MAKE a child go to a funeral or visitation, nor should you ever DENY them going to a funeral or visitation.


She wants to go - you MUST let her.

[DemoTex]

9. I was 5 and my parents did not take me to the funeral of a grand dad.

When they returned from the funeral I asked, "Did you have a good time?" Obviously I was not ready for a funeral.

Mac

[Erika]

12. If the child can behave herself, take her.

Regardless of age. They need to know that death is a natural part of living. Only if her behavior would distract the proceedings should she not go.

[ScreamingMeemie]

13. My children have always gone to funerals with us, from birth (as long

as they can behave). I don't see anything wrong with it, and I do believe it made it easier for my youngest to understand why his Great grandpa isn't there at the house when we visit Great grandma. I didn't take them up to the casket, we were just there. I think it gives my kids a sense of the closure that we all need...no matter what our ages.

Good luck Laura, I know these decisions are tough ones. I really think she'll be fine, and it may even cut down on the questions. :hi:

[proud2BlibKansan]

19. How close was she to your uncle?

If she had a close relationship with him, she may need the closure.

[cornermouse]

20. Or it could give her nightmares.

[proud2BlibKansan]

22. Maybe

I guess it's hard to say, not knowing the little girl.

When I was about 11, my grandfather died. Long story, but I had never known him. He had been estranged from most of his family since before I was born. But my parents decided my sister (who is 18 months younger than me) and I should go to the funeral.

It was one of my strangest experiences as a kid. It didn't give me nightmares but it did freak me out. My grandfather looked almost exactly like my uncle, who I knew very well. So when I looked in the casket, I saw my uncle but he looked really old. It was pretty bizarre. It was years before I felt comfortable at funerals.

[davsand]

33. She was around him a few times.

He was much older than my Dad and he suffered with Alzheimer's or something like it for much of the last few years. He's been in a nursing home for about the last two years and she has not seen him more than a few times in the last three years.

Laura

[Placebo]

23. as long as they're not going to start crying...

or just freaking out screaming, then i think it's safe

as for me, i was one of those babies and kids that was so damn quiet you'd forget I was there, which is why I went everywhere with the parents.

[GoddessOfGuinness]

25. Nothing wrong with crying...

The adults will be doing that, so why not the kids?

Freaking out is another story. If the child can't deal with it, they should be able to leave.

[GoddessOfGuinness]

24. I took my 4 year old to his nephew's funeral...

And when my older boy was 5 he went to his grandfather's. Children need to be able to express their grief and comfort their loved ones as much as adults do. And oftentimes the children at a funeral or memorial service are a wonderful comfort to the adults present.

[fortyfeetunder]

26. Six and it freaked me out for years

My folks used to take us down to the country to spend our summer vacation with the grandparents.

The first summer I went I was six. During that summer my grandparents took us to a funeral of a 13 year old they knew who drowned in a local lake. Took us up to the open casket, etc.

Well, what freaked me for years was:
1) my grandparents kept talking about this death by drowning, so the little kid mind is going into water could make me drown.
2) No one had prepared us for what was going to happen. I hadn't grasped the concept of death yet. I don't recall any discussion of death.

After that summer, I was very uncomfortable about water, especially open water. I took swim lessons, never got over that fear. It was only a few years ago when I got comfortable enough with water and earn my scuba diving certs.

And I didn't like going to funerals after that.

For children that age, only if they wantto and show relative curiosity about it. And they have to be briefed on what they will see (eulogies, crying, sad songs, etc.) And give age-appropriate explanations of death. A kid should have the option not to go.

[UrbScotty]

27. My cousin was 7 when she went to our grandfather's funeral last year.

That said, we are talking about our grandfather, as opposed to our great-uncle.

If this were my daughter, I'd likely take her. But since I do not know about your daughter, that's as much advice as I can give.

Either way, my condolences to you and your family. :hug:

[LibertyLover]

28. Well,

I was 3 years old when I went to my first funeral. It was for a cousin of my dad's whom I had never met. It was held in the family's house in Somerset, NJ and I had a blast. It was an Irish wake and funeral combined and there was a lot of laughter and eating and drinking and fun. I even remember going to the open casket with my mom and kneeling on the prie dieu in front of it while she said a brief prayer. The next one I was 7 and it was for one of my mom's brothers. I adored my uncle and wanted to say good bye. Honestly, while I don't like funerals (and what reasonable person does?), because I've been going to them since I was a child, I learned early that death is a part of life. However, you know your child and if you think that her attending the funeral will cause problems than I would say not to. Is there some alternative? Perhaps letting her go to the wake or to a memorial service?

[auntAgonist]

29. I took my son

when he was five, to an aunt's funeral. He wanted to go, but when we got there he didn't want to approach the open casket. That was fine. He sat in a chair and observed. As the time passed he slowly moved closer. Finally asking me if he is allowed to look, of course we 'allowed' it and he was fine. No nightmares no worries. He remembers that night, and has said he's glad we let him take his time. He's 22 now.

I worked in funeral service, most children deal with funerals quite nicely.

aA

PS my condolences on your family's loss.

[sakabatou]

30. I was taken to one at age 10

So...

[Lydia Leftcoast]

31. My first funeral was at age four, but it was the funeral of someone I'd

never met. We sat in the back, and all I remember is that the occasion was "Mrs. E's funeral."

Losing a loved one is upsetting for anyone, and I don't believe in protecting children from experiences simply because they are upsetting.

My grandfather died when I was 11. My older relatives are into open casket wakes (church rules require that the casket be closed before the service), and I was afraid to view my grandfather's body. Although it was very upsetting to see him lying in the casket, the sight made me understand the reality. I could no longer imagine that he was really off somewhere still alive and would come back some day.

On your daughter being morbid--kids go through stages like that. During seventh grade, the year after my grandfather died, I was pretty morbid and read and wrote a lot of sad stories, but then, so did a lot of my classmates. Your daughter may simply be precocious in that respect. :-)

Rent the 1940s French movie Forbidden Games (Jeux Interdits) to see a fictional example of "morbid" children.

[KitchenWitch]

32. It depends upon her maturity level

It sounds to me like she can handle it. I guess I would use discretion for whether she views the open casket (if there is one). Otherwise, it is a memorial service, and I am sure she has some memories to honor!

[R. A. Fuqua]

34. I grew up going to them---

there never was a time when I didn't go to funerals. My parents were in a small sect, and part of the way they practiced their religion was that whenever anyone died who was a member--everyone was expected to be in attendence. There were several funerals a month--and we went to all funerals within a days driving distance of where we lived--whether we knew the people or not. (sometimes they were just relatives on a sect member--but the sect liked a full turn-out to impress the non-believers with how much they cared).

I estimate that I have been to over a thousand funerals--most of them for people that I had absolutely no idea whatsoever who they even were. This scared me horribly as a child--and when I was 4 or 5 I would often have nightmares about death and funerals and such.

Interestingly enough, my parents would NOT allow us children to attend the funerals of people who were non-sect members (which was basically my entire family). So when people who were really and truly close to me died--aunts, uncles, grandparents etc--I was not allowed to attend those funerals--even though I knew and cared about the people, I was greving and they actually meant something to me. But, I was forced to attend the funerals of all sect members, even though I didn't know them or their families.

It was a weird situation. Now that I am on my own, my rule is that I will not attend funeral services unless I actually knew and cared about the person or their family. I have only attended one (a memorial service) since living on my own. I still have some weird ideas about death from being raised in such a screwy manner. (A peculiarity of the sect is to try to make children fear death--that way they will likely stay in the sect--the strategy works with many children--but it did not work with me).

[Cleita]

35. I don't remember not going to funerals, christenings or weddings.

Children accept death I believe more easily if it happens as a part of life. Going to put flowers on my grandmother's grave, who died when I was a baby was a regular routine, and my cousin died at the age of six, the same age as I was. Other relatives had died in the meantime. Of course I was taken to the funerals. I was never taken to see the open casket though until I was a lot older.

[Pied Piper]

36. Family story here

About four years ago, my nephews (aged 5 and 7 at the time) lost their great-grandmother. On the way to the visitation, my sister explained to them that Gramma was gone, and that her body was going to be in an open casket. She told them that some people would be very sad and crying, and that was OK. She told them that they didn't have to go look at the body if they didn't want to - they could just run around with their other cousins, who were the same age.

So when they got to the funeral home, my nephews ran right up to the casket and peered inside. The younger one, age 5, boldly proclaimed to everyone in the room, in his top voice, "Yup, she's dead alright!"

True story.

[Rhiannon12866]

38. I was 21, but it was a different generation.

Used to be that kids, during my mother's generation, just grew up with this. They often still laid people out at home. It wasn't until later that death became unnatural and more sanitized, impersonal. This made it more scary for kids, like me. I was absolutely freaked out, but was glad I had attended the one, my Dad's much-older cousin, because the next one was my grandmother and I had to be there.;(

I think it depends on the child. I attended one in which two little boys wouldn't leave their dead grandma, lying in the coffin, alone. They kept touching her. Eeewww! But it sounds as if your child's much better behaved, prepared for something like this. I think it's important to take the mystery out of death and the rituals surrounding it. But you know your child best...:shrug:

Good luck with this! And let us know how it turns out. I think we could all use advice about this kind of thing...:hi:

[pdx_prog]

48. Yes, it was much different during our parents childhood

My mother is 75 this year. She grew up in a small community in southern Missouri. She was baptised in the St. Francis river. She had 10 sisters that lived, and three brothers that died when they were young. Back then they would sit the bodies up in chairs and take pictures of them, then they would lay them out in the living room of their homes for several days. Very creepy, but they didn't think anything about it.

I attended an older aunts funeral back there about 6 years ago and had be a pal bearer. We performed a old time funeral march on foot from the church down to the cemetery. The old girl got pretty heavy by the time we got to the gravesite..:)

[LastKnight]

39. one of the first signs of mature thought

is contemplation of one's mortality. its something thats around us every day. movies, tv, ect. especially with all thats in the news these days.

death is part of life. tell her that there is no reason to fear it. then take her to the funeral.

i honestly dont think your child is doing anything more than being an inquisitive child. unknowns bother the contemplative kids, and what greater unknown is there but death?

[davsand]

40. Update on the funeral and taking my kid:

First off, thank you to all of you for your caring, advice and the stories you shared. I love my DU family more than I can ever express because of this kind of sharing that goes on here.

I talked to some more of my family this morning and found out that not only will it be an open casket service, but it will be performed by one of the sons--a fundamentalist Preacher. (This is the same minister that I had removed from my Dad's ICU room several years ago when he started screaming "Repent!" at my father while he was still on a ventilator post open heart surgery.)

I mean no disrespect to any tradition, but I do think that Material Girl will be better off if she and I go later to visit the grave and leave some flowers or some type of offering. (Frankly, if it wasn't for the rest of the family, I'd probably give this funeral a miss myself given this recent development.) I have no way to gage the impact of a fire and brimstone funeral on a little girl, and I am not willing to risk it.

I'll let you know how it goes--I may need counseling after this!



Laura

[Rabrrrrrr]

42. In that case, I would support your decision not to take her there

That's a funeral that most likely no child should have to endure.

That's gonna be a weird one, I bet.

[Shell Beau]

41. It really depends on the maturity of the child. I don't

think there is a magic age. Just when you think they can handle it!

[sniffa]

43. age 18

but that's me - i don't think kids shouLd be at funeraLs or wakes.

[Deep13]

44. When you know she will behave herself.

I do not consider a funeral to be a whole-family event, but if your 8-year-old can be counted on to sit quietly through the long, boring service, then you might take her.

[Throckmorton]

45. Both of my children have been to one funeral,

My daughter was 7, and my son was 9. The funeral was their mother's. They did not go to the wake, but did have a brief private viewing before the funeral.

I made sure that there was someone to take them home if they couldn't stay at the funeral, but they both did just fine.

It's now a year and a half, and I think they both are the better for having gone to it.

I say take her, and then be prepared to leave if it becomes to much for her. It also may be time to discuss the grieving process with her, to help her adjust to societal norms regarding death and dying. It my also help de-mystify the whole process for her, which is a good thing.

[pdx_prog]

46. I was 8 or 9 when I went to my grandmother's funeral...

It scared the fuckin bejeebies out of me......I didn't want to go to sleep for a week. We were staying at my uncles house during the funeral.....they had this big white formal living room with these big heavy red velvet drapes. Her funeral was at this old southern funeral parlor and I just knew that my uncles living room used to be a funeral parlor....lol

My son is 10. Every three months or so he starts to thinking about dying and really has a hard time with it. I would not subject him to a funeral. I think people give kids too much credit for knowing right from wrong / reality from fantasy.

Save your daughter the grief and don't take her.

[miss_kitty]

47. if she wants to attend, I'd take her

I was 10 when my grandpa died and I wanted to go but my mom would not let me. I still wish, 40 years later, I could have gone. He was a great man, and I never got a chance to say good bye, the way I wanted. I don't know when I went to one that was of someone not in my immediate family circle.

[Nikia]

49. I didn't go to a funeral until I I was 16

My parents thought that children didn't belong at funerals. I didn't lose any major relatives as a child except my great grand father when I was 5 so perhaps that was understandable that I didn't go then. There were some people that I knew that died when I was in the 10-14 year old range and my parents attended the funeral but wouldn't let me go.
When my grandfather died last year though, all my cousins (except the one who was unfortunatly on a trip abroad and hadn't even been told) attended. I, being 26 at the time, was the oldest grandchild. My little cousins, the youngest being 2 years old, attended.
Perhaps it is bad that I laughed at the showing when I heard my 6 year old cousin, who had overheard conversation about the military gun salute, say "Why do they want to shoot grandpa when he is already dead?"
I think that it is alright to bring children to funerals and other death rituals if the child can behave and you are careful to explain everything.

[AlCzervik]

50. I would take her, she says she wants to go, i wouldn't take her to

the wake though if there is one.

[wideopen]

51. 3 years old

Why on earth would you not take an 8 year old to a funeral? Death is a integral part of life.

[GreenPartyVoter]

52. I took my kids 5 and 7 to my mother's service, but it was not

an open casket deal. I think I would avoid taking them to those for a while.

[Hobarticus]

53. I would take her...death is a part of life

and learning to cope with loss is a part of growing up.

[funkybutt]

54. I remember my first funeral at age 5

my best friend was in a tragic boating accident. It was an open casket but the boy in the casket was not familiar to me. Even some of the photos that were on display didn't look like him to me.

I was confused...but I'm glad I went.

*sidebar- I'm still not a fan of open casket and I'm not sure why this brings comfort to people.

[RedCloud]

55. I am sorry for your loss...

I was going to make some weird comment to your question,

"At what age do you take a kid to a funeral?"

-Depends on how much of a brat they are!

There I did anyway.