So... I guess I'm a grandmother... sort of.

[MissMillie]

Last December I took in one of my son's friends. His name is Lucas. I learned back in February that his ex-girlfriend was pregnant.

She sent Lucas all the paperwork for getting the baby put up for adoption. He met w/ the social worker, signed all the paperwork, yadda yadda, yadda.

She had the baby on 8/5, and has decided to keep it.

Lucas didn't go to the hospital to see the girl while she was there, didn't sign the birth certificate (all things he said he would do), didn't learn until this past Thursday that she was keeping the baby (I kept telling him to call her so she could tell him, but he wouldn't do it) and so far hasn't seen his child (who is really quite a beautiful baby boy).

He says he wants to be involved, but he's got an excuse for EVERYTHING. Quite frankly, I'm getting pretty perturbed at the young man.

[demnan]

1. How old is Lucas?

Any hope he might grow up? Was he abandoned himself? Might explain a lot.

[MissMillie]

2. He's 18

his mom kicked him out of the house last December... and his dad just sort of let it happen.

I keep hoping that Lucas might pick up on the responsibility and loyalty and respect that my son and I have for those we love... but thus far, Lucas just doesn't seem to get it. It may take longer than 1/2 a year to undo what was done to him before he came to us.

[Xithras]

3. Statistically, he probably won't be very involved with the child.

The reality is that while young males enjoy sex, they are rarely interested with any of the socially stifling responsibilities that come along with parenting. This is especially the case when the mother is an ex and isn't even a part of his life anymore.

The boy has already demonstrated his feelings toward the child by signing the adoption papers and failing to see it. He doesn't want the kid, and there's really little that you can say that will change his interest. Even if you lean on him about it and get him to see the child, it will be out of obligation and there's a good chance of a resentment developing (it's almost guranteed that he'll harbor some resentment against the mother for failing to give up the child and burdening him with this).

My suggestion is to just leave it alone. He's going to get popped for child support soon enough, so he's probably already stressing about being "damaged goods" socially, and you're pushing him isn't going to do anything but add stress to the situation.

^Spoken by a guy who became a father for the first time at 17 years old.

[MissMillie]

4. I'd be happier

if he said he wanted nothing to do with it and then walked away, than I am by him saying he wants to be involved and then not being involved.

For the record, my son's dad abandoned him when he was 2. I wasn't a teen, but I can tell you that those 2 years were worse than the 16 that have followed. My son will probably disagree, but honestly, I found it easier to cope when I KNEW that help wasn't coming, as opposed to hearing "I'll be there, I'll be there" only to find that he was never there.

Nothing is worse than stringing someone along.

[Xithras]

5. Take it from someone who's been there...

He's saying that he wants to be involved because that's the "expected" answer and he doesn't want to disappoint you or the mother, and doesn't want to seem like a creep. On one level, he knows what's expected of him. On another, and far more powerful level, he's an 18 year old boy who wants to do 18 year old boy things. He wants to date, which means partying, because his biological and social urges are telling him that he needs to find and keep a mate. A child interferes with that, so he's avoiding it.

For what it's worth, he might eventually come around. It took me four years to mature enough to get interested in my daughter, and today (11 years later) I'm married to her mother. Sadly, I can also cite plenty of examples of guys who NEVER became interested in the kids they had as teens, even after they later married other women and started "planned" families. I know a guy right now, a traditional church-going Democrat, who is married with three kids and a "perfect" young family, who completely ignores the existence of the TWO teenagers he fathered in high school with two other women. I mean ignores to the point where they're not even allowed inside his house because they're "bad examples" to "his children". He sends their mothers the amount of money demanded by the judge, but doesn't visit, send birthday gifts, or provide one penny or minute of his time that isn't legally required of him. The amazing thing about him is that, if you didn't know about his first two kids, you'd think he was the nicest guy in the world, and an excellent father.

IMO, teen boys are biologically wired to reproduce, but not to become fathers. I was shown a statistic once that claimed only 3% of teenage couples who conceive actually stay together, and fewer than a third produce fathers who actually see their children more than twice a month. Socially, biologically, and economically, teenage boys simply aren't cut out to be fathers.