I know this isn't original but still "dam" funny

[davidinalameda]

Make sure you read it all. It's worth your time.
This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan De Vries by the Michigan Department of Environmental Quality, State of Michigan.
This guy's response is hilarious, but read the State's letter before you
get to the response letter.

SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm
County

Dear Mr. DeVries:
It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental
Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal
landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:

Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the
outlet stream of Spring Pond. A permit must be issued prior to the
start of this type of activity. A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding
at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31,2003.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so
that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request, or any further unauthorized activity on the site, may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement
action. We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this
matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any
questions.
Sincerely, David L. Price District Representative Land and Water
Management Division

** This is the actual response sent back: **
Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County.

Dear Mr. Price, Your certified letter, dated 12/17/02, has been handed to me to respond to. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan. A couple of beavers (State unauthorized) are in the process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of nature's building materials "debris."

I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their
dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can
safely state that there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence,
their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.

As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must
fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity. My first dam question to you is:
(1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers or
(2) Do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request?
If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through
the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those
other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act,
Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, Sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.



I have several concerns. My first concern is... aren't the beavers
entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation, so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer.

The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof that this
is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names.
\

If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition please
contact the beavers, but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously
did not pay any attention to your dam letter... they being unable to
read English.
They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond.
If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection
lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).

So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be
referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2003? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.



In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention a real environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you
should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone.
If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The
bears are not careful where they dump!) Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.

Thank you!

Ryan & the Dam Beavers