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I do all of my own auto repairs, from a general tune up on my car last month, to a new timing belt last weekend. Since the warranty ran out on my car a few years ago, I'm the only mechanic that's touched it. Despite that, I NEVER change my own oil. It's the simplest task on the planet, but also the most miserable. Here's what's involved:
1) On a flat and level surface, set your emergency brake, and block your back wheels to prevent the car from rolling.
2) With a jack, lift BOTH sides of the front of your car and place jack stands underneath your cars lift points (look in your owners manual to find out where these are). Remove the jack.
3) Place a large, low pan underneath your car to catch the 5-8 quarts of oil that you're about to dump out of it. You can't put anything too tall under there, or you won't reach the drain plug.
4. Climb under your car (yes, the one that's now shakily balanced on those two cheap "Made in Taiwan From Recycled Tinfoil" jack stands) and locate the drain plug for your oil pan. The oil pan should be a squarish bowl looking thing mounted to the very bottom of your engine, and the drain plug should be at the lowest point of the pan.
5. Take all of your wrenches and find the one that fits. Do NOT use vice grips or an adjustable wrench on this bolt...mechanics love charging people to fix the damage that these do. When you find the right wrench, turn the bolt to the left and begin loosening it.
6. When the bolt is about halfway out, foul smelling, cancer causing, metal impregnated, burned motor oil will begin oozing around the threads, down your wrench, and onto your hands. This is normal, so just ignore it.
7. Despite your best efforts, odds are that you have now dropped your bolt into the pan of oil. Don't feel bad, it happens to everybody...oiled, smooth metal is naturally difficult to hold onto. Stick your hand into the oil catch pan, fish out the bolt, and wipe the oil off the bolt with a paper towel. You may also want to take the opportunity to wipe the oil drippings off your driveway that have invariably began appearing by now. It probably wouldn't be a bad idea to go wash your hands at this point too (use liquid dish soap, and try not to touch anything).
8. After you've let your oil drain for about 10 minutes, climb back underneath your car and put the bolt back in. Tighten it with the wrench. Do this NOW, not later (more than one driveway has been wrecked by someone forgetting to put the plug back in, and more than one engine wrecked by someone who only put it in finger tight and forgot about it.
9. The next step will vary by car. If your oil filter is best reached from the bottom, slide underneath and place your oil filter wrench around it (you do have one of these, I hope). Give the filter a solid twist of the wrench to break it loose, but do NOT be directly underneath it, and make sure that your oil pan IS underneath it. Depending on the car, the filter may have anywhere from a few ounces to a quart of oil inside, and it's going to DUMP when you crack it loose.
9b. If your filter is best reached from the top, take your jack and remove the vehicle from the jack stands first. Make sure your oil catch pan underneath is short enough to sit below the lowered car FIRST or you'll make an incredible mess when you drop it down.
10. With a clean cloth (no paper towels) wipe off the mounting point for your oil filter. Triple check to make sure you don't smear any dirt across the outer ring seal, or you'll spew oil everywhere the first time you fire it up.
11. With everything shiny and clean, pull out your new oil filter and crack open a new quart of oil. Stick your finger inside the carcinogenic lubricant and get a liberal amount of it on your fingertip. Now smear a thin film of oil all the way around the rubber ring on your filter (this helps it seal better. You don't want so much that it's running off the rubber, but it needs to be thinly oiled.
12. Place the filter back on the car and tighten it by rotating clockwise. Tighten it by hand as much as possible, and then place the filter wrench on it and turn an additional 1/4 to 1/2 turn. Careful here...to tight and you'll rip the rubber seal, too lose and it'll vibrate off when you start the car. Generally, tightening it by hand+ 1/2 is enough.
13. Put the manufacturer suggested amount of oil MINUS 3/4 of a quart into your car. Since you did this at home and couldn't level the car properly, you still have 1/2 to 3/4 of a quart of old oil in there, and overfilling is very, very bad.
14. After your oil is in, start the car, let it run for 60 seconds, and check the oil again. Adjust oil level as needed.
15. Figure out what you're going to do with the 5-8 quarts of toxic waste you now have sitting on your garage floor. Many cities and counties have oil recycling programs, so you should be able to place this sloshing pan of permanently staining fluid in your trunk to drive it down to the nearest recycling center.
16. Go home, clean up your tools (they'll be covered in sticky, dirty oil by now), pressure-wash your driveway, take stain remover to your oil-spattered trunk, wash the oily handprints off your car, and take a shower. Oh, and don't worry about that vaguely solvent-like smell on your hands...that's just the oil that soaked into your skin. The smell should fade in a few days, after two or three showers, and it shouldn't do any permanent damage.
:) While the tone here may be light, any mechanic on this board will attest to the fact that this post is 100% accurate. Do yourself a favor and pay someone else to do it. If you want to save some money, hand them your new filters and ask them to deduct the filter cost from the regular oil change price (any mechanic worth his salt should do this). Changing your oil yourself will take a beginner at least two hours from first jack lift to final cleanup, and you'll only save $5 to $10. Worse yet, since you can't level the car, you're not even changing all of the oil, which shortens the life of your vehicle.
Pay the extra 10 bucks, save the hour+, and save yourself a LOT of hassle. There's nothing magical about changing your own oil.
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