Should I ask my girlfriend to marry me?

[Guaranteed]

My career's starting to lift off a bit- finally, and only a bit- but, still, I have no money.

So, what is a man to do in such a situation?

Her mother has already shown us a bunch of rings that she has collected. She gave another ring to my g/f's sister's husband (he was poor, too- poorer than she even knew, actually), so she's giving us the same opportunity. None of the rings she's shown us are really to my liking, though, and, objectively, I'm not even sure that they're even appropriate for an engagement. Besides, my girlfriend (not meaning to sound redundant, but I'm not using her name) has her heart set on a Tacori. I do too, actually. I've taken a liking to their simplicity and style.

Anyway, so I've been with my girlfriend for about three years, now, living with her in IL for two (moved out from CA). Things aren't perfect, of course, but I think they're about as perfect between us as could ever possibly be expected between any two people. We understand each other very well, and, really, it doesn't seem as if this is a matter of "if" so much as it's a matter of "when."

So, without a paying job (although I'm interviewing), do you think I should ask her?

[Kikosexy2]

1. Don't ....

do it!!!!!....actually, if it feels right to you then go ahead.

[Guaranteed]

4. It feels pretty right.

Honestly, it seems more like an inevitability. But do you think a man has to have a good job before doing something like this?

[Kikosexy2]

8. In times like..

these...high gas prices, illegal wars, sociopathic president, evil Repugs, high cost of living...to be on the safe...I would say yes.

[Guaranteed]

11. What if it "looks like" he's probably going

to get a job soon?

[Bassic]

71. then go ahead man. Life is short.

[ScreamingMeemie]

2. Do you love her? Can you see yourself with her for the rest of your

life? You can ask her to marry you and then work on those things. Because, I have found, if you wait until you're ready some things never happen. You need not get married right away, just make the commitment if you feel ready. Good luck BullGoose. You're a catch. She's lucky to have you. :hug:

[Guaranteed]

6. I think it's getting to be about "that time."

She's a great woman. She's stuck with me through a whole...lot...of........stuff. :)

I've just never really felt right about it because I haven't felt "man" enough as far as all the Puritanical crap that's been programmed into me in my Methodist, non-religious upbringing. I quit my job in CA to come out here when she got this really AWESOME job (otherwise you can be damned sure she would have been moving to CA), and I've had trouble starting a career.

But now I'm doing this paralegal thing, and I might even be going to law school, soon (just got my paralegal certificate). She's supported me for quite awhile, and a lot more than just financially. I'm really quite a bit to put up with, and I have a huge amount of respect for her just in that she's handled me at all. She's amazing.

[no name no slogan]

3. in the end, the ring doesn't mean much

you don't need a ring to get married.

if you love each other, and you want to spend the rest of your lives together, and you're committed to that, then by all means DO IT! at the end of the day, a ring is just a ring.

if i were you, i'd save the $$ on a flashy ring and big wedding and use it as a down payment on a house. my wedding (which was 9 years ago today, btw-- but we're divorced now) cost five figures and was mostly her relatives drinking beer. i would've much rather had a small ceremony with close friends and family and used the dough for something else.

best of luck!

[Guaranteed]

7. EXACTLY my thinking.

Thousands on a ring that could be going toward a house? It hurts me to think of that....

[Guaranteed]

19. Actually, the house thing bothers me even more than the

ring thing.

Can I help pay for a house?

[no name no slogan]

22. even that doesn't matter, either, as long as you're toghether and happy

i could only buy a house because i got a large part of the down payment from my family. if not for that, i would have never owned a home of my own.

during my marriage, my ex-wife and i both went through bouts of unemployment-- most recently, i was out of work for six months last year. we somehow managed to support each other and take care of the household bills even when times were tough.

since i've separated from my ex-, i've learned a very big lesson: in the end, stuff is just stuff. you really don't need it to be happy. i've lost (or gotten rid of) over half of my possessions, and i've never been happier or healthier. i'll probably even get rid of more as this divorce wraps up. THINGS do not make you happy. People and relationships DO.

if you love each other, you should be together. and you will be, feast or famine, if you truly work at it. :D

[Guaranteed]

23. I think you're dead-on.

Not that I'm one to judge, but I think you're absolutely right and extremely wise.

The money is of no consequence. I've even had the same offer from my family re: a house.

I'm hoping we make it back to CA, though. That would be very, very difficult as far as property ownership.

[no name no slogan]

31. the happiest couples i've known have been poor as churchmice

and they've been completely, totally in love and not hung up on their economic situation.

best of luck to you in Cali-- it's a tough place for first-time buyers, i've heard, but you'll figure out what to do when the time is right! :thumbsup:

[Wapsie B]

5. You can always get a job.

Maybe not the one you want or the one that's perfect for you. But you don't always run across a person who is the love of your life.
As far as when, even if you want to run off to Vegas and be hitched by an Elvis impersonator it still costs. All things considered I'd still ask her.

[Guaranteed]

9. Well, like I said, I'm moving along in the job department.

I'm volunteering as a paralegal while I'm applying. I think I'll probably get one fairly quickly.

I have to cross my fingers on that, though.

[TufNeck]

10. No.

[Guaranteed]

13. Point taken.

:)

There's always that, too.

[DS1]

12. No. The fact that you asked here means "NO"

No. No. No. No.

[Guaranteed]

15. Ehhhh.... I don't think I'm asking for that reason, though...

I think this is more of just a practical thing. I'm pretty damned sure I want to marry her.

[DS1]

17. Are you damn sure you want to marry her?

If not, go to A, if so go to B

[HEyHEY]

16. Really? What if it's just nerves?

[DS1]

21. Nerves are a bitch, but nerves are an emotion like all the others

If the will to commit outweigh the nerves, then this is 'the one'

[NewJeffCT]

44. agreed

If she really loves you & you love her, you can wait a little bit longer.

don't get married w/o your finances at least reasonably in order... "interviewing" just doesn't cut it.

[tjdee]

47. I'm agreeing with DS1?

Hmm. Will have to sit somewhere and think about that!

But as a complete stranger who knows neither the original poster nor his lady friend, I have to say I'm curious why the post is more about him,the money he doesn't have, and Tacori rings rather than his love for this woman.

In fact, it reeks of 'gee, we've been together for a while, things are pretty good, we should probably get married', which to me screams NO NO NO. Then again, I'm bitter, cynical, and no one's ever wanted to marry me, so what the hell do I know!

:crazy:

So much more info than needed, but I hope the OP and his lady friend have a very happy future if indeed they do love each other very much. Only they know for sure. :)

[HEyHEY]

14. Who cares about the money man - build life together

Then when you're sitting there surrounded by grandkids, you can look at each other and remember when you were broke and starting out on nothing but each other. Good luck

[JohnnyBoots]

20. Amen, that's our story...when you know you know, Best of luck.

[Left Is Write]

18. If it's only the money/job situation that has you hesitating, then

I would say don't worry about that...ask her.

If there are other issues bothering you, then sort those out first.

[lildreamer316]

24. I'm going to make a suggestion

and of course feel free to ignore it.
I know she has her heart set on a particular ring. That is cool; but if you buy a "recycled"(pawned or family heirloom) diamond you will kill two birds with one stone (bad pun). Why? Because 1)it is cheaper than buying new; you say you are not really rolling in the money and I agree the wedding (read:reception!!)or the house/honeymoon is exponentially more important in the long run.
2)Buying a new diamond is in all actuality funding slavery and terrorisim. Really. Most diamonds come from South Africa and are mined by black slaves who are treated horribly--in fact you would not believe some of the stories. There have been confirmed reports of Al-queda or such operatives functioning down there and using the diamond profits for funding. I beg you to talk to your lovely lady and see if maybe you could buy the diamond itself recycled and have it put in a band of her liking/similar to the one she likes? Custom crafted perhaps? That would make it all the more personal anyway; because no one else would have anything like it.
Just food for thought.

[Guaranteed]

26. Excellent. Thank you.

I think your suggestion would go very well with the life that we're hoping for ourselves, and our children.

[JohnnyBoots]

27. Plus, my pentacle friend, I'm sure the ancestors would appreciate it.

Assuming he is a good dude.

[lildreamer316]

29. Indeed.

Sorry; that is so much a part of my thinking it just kinda runs in the background; ya know? Good point.

[JohnnyBoots]

30. And for my 1000 post, cheers to all of ours! The

wife is a witch, but I can still hear'em talk. They are missed and remembered very much.

[lildreamer316]

32. Congrats!

Yeah; mine like to hang around and turn lights off and play appropriate music in the car EVERY TIME I start it up etc. etc. etc.
Gotta love it.

[JohnnyBoots]

37. The wife tells me

I'm a natural, but the heads of her coven in WV(married) were bush suppoters, the husband was a 'nam vet pissed at Kerry for speaking out, which I totally respect. Any advice on websites or books? I'd like to get more into it. Which is great because it is very personalized, but I would like to fine tune my receptors. I feel it, but don't know what to do with it. Know what I mean?

[lildreamer316]

49. Whew. That's a tall order.

www.witchvox.com is always a good place to start. They have a good introductory section and seem to always be able to balance their viewpoints among the myriad different ways of pagan worship. There are Wiccans and Witches and Italian witches (Strega)and the Gardnerian tradition and the Crowly devotees and the Faye adherants (believe in Fairy magic)I could go on and on. They have a very good starting page too(scroll down to the year 2000 articles). If you read and decide to try Wicca I suggest Wicca: A Guide for the Solitary Practitioner by Scott Cunningham. Buckland's Complete Book of Witchcraft is also a good basic. For history;Witchcraft Today by Gerald Gardner or/and Wicca: The old religion in the new Millineum by Vivian Crowley.
There are many and many classics (The Golden Bough; The White Godess).I personally got turned on to it through the Mists of Avalon and a non-fiction book required for college;The Chalice and The Blade by Riane Eisler. Read the websites and explore; maybe it will be for you and maybe not.
As a side note; my husband is actually much more of a intuitive and powerful presence than me; even though interested in my activites he does not actively pursue the line of ritual as I do. His mother told him when he was 3 he literally threw a ball of energy at his stepdad (who abused him for years). Go figure.
Edit to add: http://www.paganpath.com/know.html also.

[JohnnyBoots]

51. Haha, same

boat as your hubby. Read Gardner and a book on Strega, being raised catholic organization is not for me. Being an Anthro major I am a chili pot in terms of religion, spirituality. More Shinto, except for the cleanliness and no booze. Eh, been doing my own thing for years if it ain't broke....thanks for the help. Keep in touch. Very nice chatting. Blessed be, eh- just be cool.(Same thing INMHOP)

[BeTheChange]

75. Has she seen a Tacori in person?

I too thought I wanted a Tacori and then I saw it them in person and they really werent all that the pictures in the mags had them cracked up to be.

If she really wants a Tacori, you could buy the ring and have it set with her birthstone.. or another semiprecious gem that's cheaper then a diamond and promise an upgrade in the future :)

I do have to disagree tho, to us the reception wasnt nessecarily more important than the ring. The reception was a one day party thrown for family and friends. We spent far more on the honeymoon and about equal on the ring.

Then again, we didnt invite 300 people or book a country club :)


However, I digress. I can understand talking this stuff out, my husband worried about the same things you do, we dated for 4 years while he became stable, saved money for a ring and honeymoon, a downpayment on a house... Because that is what he needed to do to feel like he was "worthy" of marrying me. Personally, I would have married him after our first date.. when he had an apartment with no furniture, not even a couch :) In the end tho, its all part of the preparations of becoming who we ultimately wish to be.

If you are hesitant for whatever reason then wait till you arent. If it's love, it will be patient.

[maveric]

25. Why ruin a good thing and lose half of whatever you have?

Ask yourself that.

[Guaranteed]

28. Having never been married myself, do you think marriage

lends itself to a bit of "suffocation?"

I'm kind of a "avoidant of suffocation" type of guy, myself. But is it really that different than the way things are for me now?

My home is 2,100 miles away. I feel like I'm doing okay.

[maveric]

34. It does eventually "when the honeymoon is over".

Just dont let your marraige become too routine. Try hard to keep the spark going. As the husband, this will be all up to you.

Flame away!

[Guaranteed]

36. LOL spark is my specialty

Not always good, but it's never routine. And never too horrible, either.

Sometimes I'm quite charming, actually.

[LincolnMcGrath]

55. I am sure many men would have been thrilled to ONLY lose half!

:rofl:

[Guaranteed]

59. Hey, I'm the one coming in with nothing, here....

:P

[kodi]

33. Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?

.

[Guaranteed]

35. I think it's a matter of integrity.

If I'm "using" the "cow," I should take responsibility.

[kodi]

54. when 50% of marriages end in divorce, renting seems more sound

everyone thinks they are the exception, but life eventually shows them it is rarely so.

[Guaranteed]

57. I always seem to be the exception.

;)

No, but you're right, though. Although I don't think I'm being unrealistic. That's why I posted the thread. :)

[kodi]

61. Follow your bliss, man, and good luck

.

[Orsino]

38. Asking her to marry someone else would be a risky move, IMO.

But, yeah, go on and do it. Best wishes!

[Guaranteed]

39. LOL she'd never go for it, anyway.

;)

[sendero]

40. How old are you?

Have you been married before? Long term (live in) relationships?

[Guaranteed]

41. Mid-twenties.

Had a few long-term relationships. This is my first live-in.

[sendero]

42. Mid 20s?

What's your rush :) I'm going to be the lone wet-blanket here.

The words you choose to describe her and your relationship don't seem "right" to me for someone who is sure he wants to get married.

And brother, if you are not SURE, I mean 100% SURE, then wait.

Because things don't get better after you get married necessarily, they can just as easily get worse.

But whatever you do, I wish happiness for both of you!

[Guaranteed]

43. The words I chose weren't even generous enough to our relationship.

Things work really, really well between us.

We're not the same people, but we compliment each other quite well. At least in MY opinion. :)

She's still gotta say yes.

[sendero]

45. Well....

..... it isn't necessary for you to be the same person. It's only necessary that you understand and accept each other.

When you can totally be yourself with someone and they don't bolt, they might be a keeper :)

[no name no slogan]

46. that's why I used high-tinsel steel chains to hold on to my ex-

unfortunately, that beeotch got a diamond-coated hacksaw and cut through it.

oh well, back to trawling the sports bars... :silly:

[GoddessOfGuinness]

48. I'd suggest you finish law school before you marry...

but I don't know why you couldn't ask her and plan on a long engagement. From reading your posts it sounds like you have a strong yet flexible relationship; and that is something to cherish.

[Guaranteed]

50. My supervising attorney (a woman) told me that, too...

She said law school changes a person. That you want to hang out with more stimulating types of people.

Not sure how'd I get any more "intellectual," (yeah, I'm a conceited bastard), but, she could be right.

I already have a degree in philosophy, for criminy's sake.

[gardenista]

52. I like the idea of the long engagement.

But not longer than a year and 1/2.

This gives you some time to finish law school, six months to just enjoy being engaged, and a year to plan the wedding.

As for rings, let your gf decide what she wants to do, and find a way to do it.

[annabanana]

53. "more stimulating" than your intended?

Does your supervising atty know your girlfriend?

[Guaranteed]

56. No, she doesn't know her at all.

LOL she prefaced it with some kind of "not meaning to offend you" stuff.

She doesn't know me that well, either. I was just a paralegal intern, after all. Never really had the opportunity....

:)

[GoddessOfGuinness]

66. "More stimulating types of people"

Hmm...
Maybe she means that you'll want to hang out with people you can "talk shop" with. That may well be; but it doesn't necessarily mean you'll want to marry them!

While there may or may not be much that your girlfriend will understand with you about the law; I think it's safe to say that she'll appreciate it if you fill her in on your studies to whatever point she can understand. You don't need to lecture her, but don't shut her out, either... :D

[Guaranteed]

68. The g/f's a firewall administrator

(for a somewhat large corporation). If she has the patience, so do I. And I've already gotten a lot farther with her in my trade than she has with me in hers....

:)

Great post, though. You're absolutely right. Thank you. :)

[Redstone]

58. Of COURSE you should. Faint heart ne'er won fair maiden,

and all that. Sometimes you gotta put it all on one roll of the dice.

For example: I had known the then-future Mrs R. for only a couple of months, and only face-to-face for six days out of those couple of months, when she asked me on the phone, "should I leave everything I have in California and come to Connecticut to live with you?"

I told her to go to the American Airlines counter at the San Jose airport and there would be a ticket waiting for her. I went to a travel agency and used (really!) the last $600.00 I had to my name to buy her a ticket. Then drove from Philadelpha to Hartford without stopping to meet her flight (which, of course, ended up being two hours late).

But nonetheless, she was at my house sixteen hours after asking me that question on the phone. And is still here, fifteen years later.

Do not let money enter into the equation, nor into your thinking about the situation. Mrs R and I were poorer than dirt for the first five years, and it didn't matter.

Stop thinking and get it done. You'll be glad you did.

Redstone

[Elidor]

60. It's a good tax write-off

Though if you divorce, your rate of return may suffer. :7

Whoa...I just looked up Tacori. That is some intensiosity. Even the wedding bands are a bit flashy for my taste. But nicely done. Looks like something Galadriel would wear. :D

[elehhhhna]

62. The 3 stone tacori's on sale for 17K. OUCH. Shore is purty tho'...

http://www.diamonds-ring.com/diamond/jewelry-clearance-30.htm

[Guaranteed]

63. The one she was wanting was a little over 4K, I think.

Without the diamond, though, I'm pretty sure.

[Carni]

64. Hell in this economy? I say go for it-

I have been married 20 years and according to the *experts* we did everything wrong. We're still married and we haven't killed each other yet. If your GF loves you the size of the ring and all that will be a moot point.

[progmom]

65. it doesn't matter if you don't have a job

you love her. she loves you. you want to be together?

go for it.

progdad worked 30 hours a week in a record store when we got married. i think he was earning $13K a year. :shrug: all i knew was that i loved him and wanted to be with him.

[Moondog]

67. If you're asking somebody else

the answer is "No." For both of your sakes.

[hunter]

69. Yes. What's to stop you from buying a "Tacori" later?

Sorry, I didn't even know what a "Tacori" was. It sounded like some kind of car to me. Zoom, zoom, Tacori! Here's a fast car, will you marry me?

My wife's engagement ring belonged to my grandma. She doesn't usually wear it. Our wedding rings are very simple.

I cracked my wedding ring in 1987 while I was working on some plumbing. I had to get the ring repaired, but that's the last I've had to take it off. My knuckles are a little bigger now, so maybe it doesn't come off.

There is so much I worried about before our wedding that didn't turn out to matter one bit.

[Shell Beau]

70. Only if you feel like you want

this woman to be your wife. I wouldn't say ask her if you feel like it is about that time, y'all have been together for 3 years. No, only ask her if you love her enough to spend potentially forever with her. Things are never perfect in any relationship, but if the love is strong enough, then you overcome those ruts. You asking the question almost makes me feel as though you feel like you SHOULD ask her. But you have to WANT to ask her.

[MissMillie]

72. The sentiment of wanting to spend the...

rest of your life w/ her is the important thing. The ring is insignificant. If you want to spend your life w/ her, and you think that's what she wants too...why wait?

[seemunkee]

73. If you lover her then do it

You will never have "enough" money to get married or have kids. But if you get married and have kids you will find a way.
I'll be celebrating my 29th anniversary on Monday.

[Midlodemocrat]

74. Absolutely.

If you love her enough to consider marriage...go for it.