NEW FREEPER SURVIVAL TOOLS CATALOGUE

[AnarchoFreeThinker]

HEART DISCONNECTOR KIT $43.95
Perfect for disabling empathy and compassion, the Heart Disconnector Kit is easy to apply and uses state of the art technology to relieve you of any of humanity's troubling burdens and from your role in causing them.

JUNGIAN SHADOW ENLARGER $62.95
Having diificulty finding new room in that repository for unwanted thoughts and feelings in your mind? The new Jungian Shadow Enlarger offers unlimited free space for your undesirable sexual impulses, feelings of inadequacy, confusion over sexual orientation, and certainty of your own weakness and uselessness were you ever to be placed in a combat situation.

MEANNESS: A GUIDE $12.95
Who doesn't want to impress their friends with how mean they can be? Learn how to take cheap shots at the mothers of dead war veterans. Blame the poor for not paying taxes. Fight Town Hall's new mandates about access ramps for the disabled. It's all here in this handy guide.

HYPOCRISY SUPPLEMENTS $32.95
Two of these tiny pills each day will help you remember why the close-minded, hate-filled opinions you espouse shouldn't apply to you. A one-month supply will have you singing the praises of invasion and torture, while full well knowing you and your family will never have to be put in harm's way. Used by manistream media personalities since September 11, 2001.

[jeff30997]

1. You forgot:

BRAIN EXTRACTOR $5.99

Who needs a brain when our Great leader, via Fox News an Rush Blimpbutt,tell you what to think?

[DinahMoeHum]

2. But where's the Port-O-Pottie ????

:evilgrin:

[Initech]

3. HOLY BIBLE (Republican version) $15.99

(but can you really put a price on eternal salvation?):

This is your means and justification for everything wrong with this country. Read this for an hour and you'll be saying that "sodomites" are responsible for the war in Iraq. It's got all the stuff that fundamentalist nutjobs have been preaching for decades that seems to be missing in the Bible that everyone else reads! Includes verses that reflect today's Republican moral values! In fact, read this version of the Bible and watch the evening news. You'll soon be screaming "What would Jesus do"?????

[LynneSin]

5. Republican Version edited for today's Republican values

Removed is all that crap about "Do unto Others" and "Judge not lest ye be judges"

[Initech]

6. Also removed are 7 of the ten commandments

Most notably absent are "Thou shalt not steal", "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's goods", "Thou shalt not kill", and "Thou shalt not bear false witness".

[LastKnight]

8. so that means the only thing thats left...

are sections of revelations?

i mean everything else seems to go against the republican flow...

[LynneSin]

9. No we have some of Leviticus

Red Lobster: Good!!!
Man lying down next to Man: Bad!!!

They just pick out a dozen or so really applicable stuff and delete the rest.

That eye for an eye stuff is good as long as we remove the turn the other cheek crap!

[LastKnight]

11. how could i forget leviticus?

well, its easy actuially...

red lobster? god endorses a seafood chain?

[Initech]

10. Yeah, everything but what Robertson, Falwell and Dobson preach

[Felix Mala]

12. Holy Bible Enema - Flush your bowels with the word of God...

You might just end up a little better than the heathen scum around you.

[Initech]

15. What would Jesus......................... um, never mind!

[Commie Pinko Dirtbag]

16. GUARANTEED - NO BEATITUDES!

This is the genuine REPUBLICAN EDITION -- 100% PACIFISM FREE!

[Initech]

17. Also includes the cliffs-notes version of The Purpose Driven Life

For those who REALLY want to preach armageddon!

[Ready4Change]

4. Reversible Myoptic Blinders $49.95

Tired of seeing annoying side issues that deflate the importance of the single item that supports your point of view? Well, see them no longer! While wearing these special Myoptic Blinders (tm) you'll only see what you want to see, nothing else!

But wait, there's more! They're REVERSIBLE! That's right, flip a handy switch and voila! Instant Blind spot! Now, when some pesky liberal points out an obvious and damaging fact about your pet issue, you can use this reverse setting and ignore that fact completely. It's as if it NEVER EXISTED IN THE FIRST PLACE!

[Felix Mala]

13. In the 80's didn't Gary Trudeau have something about the lenses

in Ronald Reagan's eyes that allowed him only to look backwards and with a rose-colored tint? I think someone must be supplying contemporary Neo-cons with something similar.

[AnarchoFreeThinker]

18. very nice!

[Ready4Change]

21. Thank you

'Tis only 1 for your 4, though. :)

[LastKnight]

7. please... this is so fake.

almost no republican is smart enough to know who carl jung is, much less know anything about the 'shadow' ideas.

[Felix Mala]

14. CheneyBrand Lotus Chips -- Go great with Kool-Aid

Everything will be all right after a bag of these delicious, mind numbing snacks. Just lay back, relax and repeat everything we tell you.

[sakabatou]

26. And Dubya Brand Pretzles - Guarenteed not to choke you!*

Guarentee is applicable only to the "intellectual elite".

[Initech]

19. LIBERAL MEDIA FILTER - $5.99

This is it! This is what you've been waiting for! It is a filter that connects to your cable box and filters out the liberal bias on CNN and MSNBC! No more James Carville or Tucker Carlson or Alan Colmes! Hate the liberal media? You wont know how you lived without it!

[Ready4Change]

22. Oh, that's a goody, and here's why...

It's something for nothing. A liberal filter for the MSM will, effectively, do nothing, as there's very little liberal content there.

So, thats $5.99 for a glorified coax pass though box.

Thrifty!

[Initech]

23. Exactly! It does nothing.

I bet we'll be getting a lot of returns on that one!

[Eagle_Eye]

20. Add:

EXTRA LARGE FLAG - $29.95
Suitable for wrapping one's self in for public appearances or use as a door mat in private.

[Initech]

24. Like this?

[Eagle_Eye]

27. Someone should photoshop bush's face into the picture

[sakabatou]

25. BEAT-EM-OFF BRAND STICK $65.99

In the last years and there are only liberal zombies around, hwo are you going to protect yourself? With the Beat-Em-Off Brand Stick! Great for whacking and hacking down those monsters of "truth".

As a special bonus you also get the CROSS PLOWER for only $10 more! Great for knocking down and destroying any wooden gravemarker that those "terrorist" liberals may out up!

[AnarchoFreeThinker]

29. oooo, a CROSS PLOWER. hope shipping's free.

[MrScorpio]

28. Here's one

MEGA SUV $15,000 ($3 Mil. in tax incentives included)



Does congested traffic repeatedly cause you to be late for that important board meeting or your child's polo game? Then the Mega SUV is just the vehicle for you. Weighing in at a nifty 226 tons, the Mega SUV can easily crush anything that happens to have the misfortune of being in the way when you're on the move. With the tax incentives included in the recently passed Highway Bill, the Mega SUV is now super affordable. The Mega SUV is the right vehicle for the upwardly mobile family that never burdens itself worrying about Peak Oil. Get one today!

[meow2u3]

30. Premium freeper tools

DITTOHEAD MICROCHIP: $199.95; LABOR COSTS EXTRA
You don't have to think anymore with this state-of-the-art device. When you receive this chip, the compassion and empathy areas of your brain will shut off and be replaced by meanness and murderous hatred for liberals, without any effort on your part.

BEATITUDES AND WOES INVERTER: $29.95
Causes the Bible reader to interpret the Beatitudes as Woes and vice versa. Automatically turns "Blessed are the poor in spirit..." to "Woe to the poor in spirit..." and "Woe to you rich...." to "Blessed are the rich....."

[AnarchoFreeThinker]

31. That BEATITUDES AND WOES INVERTER gas powered?

[meow2u3]

32. It's a soul implant

:evilgrin: