Relationship question...

[friesianrider]

Please hear me out on this (it is a very personal and insane story, but I really value what you guys will have to say ;)) and let me know your honest thoughts about whether or not this is worth the risk. Only two of my friends know about this situation, which you'll understand after reading this.

A few months ago - totally by chance - I met a *very* famous professional athlete. I actually love the team he plays for but didn't recognize him at first until my friend told me who he was. Naturally I went to ask for an autograph and he and I started talking and really hit it off. We've kept in touch via email/phone regularly for a few months now, and he even sent me flowers in my birthday. He is back in town now for the season. I actually went to his house a few times since he's been back in town and although nothing happened, through talking with him I've found him to be an extremely sweet, intelligent person (and he definitely ain't bad to look at either). He more or less told me that he'd like to start seeing me regularly...and while he makes me weak in the knees, frankly I'm afraid of getting hurt for obvious reasons. He is extremely popular where I live and really in a lot of places across the country, too. He is handsome, wealthy, and smart...and I am just a college kid who will have to be back at college in 2 weeks, which would mean I'd be at least several hours from him when he isn't traveling. The once or twice we went out in public it was insane. Girls literally come up to him and threw themselves at him.

I really like this guy but don't want to be stupid. He has been known for some very douchebag stunts but has never been anything but kind and generous to me in the 7 or 8 months I've known him.

My question is: am I wasting my time believing that this will lead anywhere (besides me getting my heart broken)? I used to think how awesome it'd be to date someone famous, but the more I get to know him the more I wish he was just a normal guy without the money and all. I'm concerned how much trust I could have in someone who is, well...who he is. Is it worth it, or do you think this will ultimately lead to heartbreak? Thanks in advance for any advice you might have - I really need it.

[crispini]

1. Ok, two questions first.

1. How old are you (just for some context) and 2. What do you want out of a relationship at this point in your life? Leaving aside the question of this guy for the moment.

[friesianrider]

4. Two answers :)

1. I'm 22 years old. He is 30, I think.

2. I'm a pretty committed person, so would enjoy someone to "be" with long-term. I'd like someone to be committed to, and someone who will be committed to me.

[crispini]

12. hm.....

Well.....

If I were in your shoes, just because he is going to have, well, tons of chicks flinging themselves at him, and also because you don't feel like you know him that well yet, I'd only date him if I felt really comfortable with dating without expectations. What I mean to say is, he sounds like he might be a really fun person to hang out and have a good time with, but I have my doubts about how serious he would want to be. Maybe that is just my stereotype about famous rich guys, that mostly what they want is to have a good time with younger women. I mean I could always be wrong about that; every person is an individual.

Do you have any kind of gauge about what HE wants out of a relationship? and could you deal with chicks throwing themselves at your guy all the time?

[Heidi]

2. Isn't it to his advantage to be kind and generous to you?

And do you _really_ "know" him? I'm just askin'. :shrug:

He has been known for some very douchebag stunts but has never been anything but kind and generous to me in the 7 or 8 months I've known him.

[friesianrider]

5. Well...

No, I guess you're right. I only know what I've read about him and the times we've talked over the last few months.

[Heidi]

7. You won't really know this guy

until you have some idea of how he interacts with others (including you) in unguarded moments, when he's just being himself and has nothing to gain by being "on" (kind and generous to his own benefit). In my experience, it takes face time to get to know someone like that. How does he behave when he has nothing to gain?

[friesianrider]

8. Would you...

..recommend perhaps taking more time to get to know him then as a friend before allowing it to go further? I guess it couldn't hurt...

[Heidi]

15. At my age, I want to know everyone as a person first

before I decide whether it's lifetime friendship potential, but that's just me. (I was a different person when I was 22, though.) This guy might not be "the one" for you, friesianrider, but wouldn't it be great to discover that he's a genuinely good person, worth having as a friend? I'd give him an opportunity to demonstrate whether he's friendship material before even considering the "long-term relationship" thing.

Good luck to you, gf.

[Spinzonner]

3. Doesn't you own sense of doubt tell you something

about how you really feel about the possibility of a relationship ?

Will he be available to you for emotional support when you need him ?

What do expect of a relationship and will he be able to provide it ?

[friesianrider]

6. I don't know.

I mean, common sense just tells me that because of his job he will not be committed or be able to be there for me when I need him. But am I being judgmental or being smart by thinking that?

[Spinzonner]

10. It doesn't matter which

It suggests that you won't be emotionally secure in the relationship.

Doesn't that matter ?

[friesianrider]

13. Of course.

But I am always a bit insecure in relationships.

[OrwellwasRight]

24. Smart, realistic and healthy.

OK, so every person and relationship is unique, but your instincts are telling you what I found to be true from personal experience with "professional athletes."

They live in such a different world, where everything they have ever wanted, and a lot of things they never even dreamed of, are handed to them on a silver platter.

This "other world" breeds ot increases a sense of entitlement and decreases the ability to empathize with others.

That said, given that he is thirty, he may have been through much of his hyperactive youth and has become )or is becoming a more grounded person.

My advice, based on my experience, is that if you are a person who is capable of not expecting too much, of being able to not become too attached, then go for it and have fun.

But if you have difficulty with that, back away. Your doubts are there for a reason.

Good luck.

[KitchenWitch]

9. To be quite frank

and not meaning to rain on your parade, because there are women who will grovel at their feet, many sports celebrities have girlfriends in every town. Even when they are married.

Are you willing to be physically intimate with someone that may, by virtue of their sexual habits, endanger your life?

[friesianrider]

11. I know...

Hence my hesitation. Obviously some sports celebrities don't cheat. I'd hate to cut out someone who I may have a lot in common with just because a lot of people in their line of work are cheaters. That being said, generalizations are generally true...

[KitchenWitch]

14. There is an old saying

If you keep going to the barbershop, eventually you will get a haircut. There is so much temptation out there...and it is true that not everyone gives in, but I would say that a majority of them do.

[datasuspect]

29. where did you hear that saying?

i've only heard the barbershop quote in some very specific places . . .

[KitchenWitch]

37. I would say that I heard that saying in the same specific places

Bill W comes to mind

[datasuspect]

42. 10-4

roger that

[nosmokes]

19. you're right, lotsa athletes don't cheat , but!

during the season and during camps you probably are gonna betaking 2nd place, so the net affect might be close to the same thing. or you could just be of the mindset that it's a long distance relationship during those times. butit doesn't sound to me like you need to be making a decision any time soon. really.

[driver8]

16. Don't get involved with Terrel Owens...the guy is bad news!!

I'm kidding, I'm kidding...I saw in your profile you live in Pennsylvania.

[friesianrider]

17. Wow...

Care to elaborate on that?

[driver8]

18. No -- I'm kidding...he was the only athlete that plays in Penn.

that I could think of.

Sorry if I offended.

[friesianrider]

22. LOL, of course not :)

You didn't offend at all, just being defensive of my Eagles, lol ;)

[leftofthedial]

20. you're 22

have some fun

[alittlelark]

21. I had a similar situation years ago...

Does he LOOK in your eyes while you are talking?
Does he talk about HIS issues over 75% of the time?
When you are around his friends (teammates) does he behave in the same way (towards you)?


Finlay, and most importantly.... What does your GUT tell you?

[friesianrider]

23. What ended up happening?

He does always look in my eyes when we talk, and he has been very attentive to what is going on in my life so far. I haven't really been around his teammates much, but around his friends everything seems cool.

My gut is very conflicted - usually I get a strong sense one way or the other, but for some reason I'm not getting anything clear. :(

[alittlelark]

25. I stuck w/ my HS sweetheart... we've been together for 24 years

I was just asking you about the ?'s I had w/ (the similar guy). He looked in my eyes until a teammate took them away. When I spoke about my issues, his somehow became the subject w/in minutes.......


I rarely post about this kind of stuff, but your post hit a nerve.

Be VERY careful if he starts talking 'Forever' stuff .... it's a great way to try to control you.


You are YOU. Keep it that way.

[gmoney]

26. What are his friends like?

You mention meeting some of his non-teammate friends. Do they seem like genuine people that he's cultivated friendships with, or is it more of an "entourage" of people that want something from him? If they seem real, that's a good sign that maybe he's looking for a relationship outside the trappings of "fame and fortune." Also, do you get the feeling that he hangs out during off-hours with these non-teammate friends more than the guys on the team?

Also, I'd take the seven month (?) duration of your friendship to be a pretty good sign. If he's just out for booty, he wouldn't put that amount of effort into getting to know you, especially if you've not had sex with him up to this point.

Are these friends you've met married, or are any of them female? You could probably discuss your feelings with them (or the wives) -- don't mention that you think he might be unfaithful or anything, but more like "I'd like to be with him, but I just don't know what to expect dating someone famous" and I bet they'd fill in a lot of the blanks for you.

And I guess another thing is the old axiom of "if you want to see how a man will treat you, look at how he treats his mother" -- ask to meet some of his family, and just observe how he reacts to the request, and if you actually meet them, how he behaves with them and vice-versa.

Despite the fame and wealth, he IS a person above all else, with the same sorts of basic wants and desires as mere mortals. He may be ready to "settle down" into a monogamous relationship with thoughts of starting a family. I wouldn't expect that right off the bat, but if he's "had it thrown at him" for the past 10 or 15 years, he could very well be tired of sex without love, and women who don't want to be with him (the person) but rather want to be with the celebrity. In a weird way, those women are really looking to use him for their own purposes, and he could very well be sick of that whole game.

Despite all the "high profile" celebrity couples that the tabloids feature, a huge majority of athletes and other celebrities are married to just regular folks. These are the ones who DON'T make the tabloids, so you're not aware of them nearly as much. There's no "news" in "Joe Sports has been married for 10 years to an accountant and they have two kids."

You mention some "douchebag" behavior in his past... what kind of stuff? Public romantic stupidity with supermodels, or on-field problems, or fistfights with fans, or what? Consider the nature of these incidents and whether it reflects screwed-up beliefs, or bad luck, or aggressive competitiveness, or even a desire to NOT be in the spotlight. (Like Sean Penn punching photographers.)

He MAY even have the same reservations about you... "she's SO pretty and smart and cool, and she's far away from me on that campus with all those horny fratboys drooling all over her -- how can I trust her to be faithful when she has so many opportunities?" In this light, is it fair for him to distrust you because of the opportunities you may have? Or should he trust you to have the strength of character to remain faithful once you actually begin a romantic relationship?

Wow, what a rant! Hope there's a little food for thought in there. I guess it boils down to "don't overthink it" and "take it slow" and "trust your instincts" -- I'd say he deserves to remain innocent until proven guilty. Just don't start picking out china patterns, and see how it goes. If his interest is sincere, then you'll continue to hear from him during the season/school year.

BUT if it takes you TOO long to decide that you trust him, he may cool off entirely, and you may end up kicking yourself for letting a good guy get away just because he was rich.

Live the dream, baby! (And keep us posted!)

[friesianrider]

31. True.

"You mention meeting some of his non-teammate friends. Do they seem like genuine people that he's cultivated friendships with, or is it more of an "entourage" of people that want something from him?"

Actually he is almost always exclusively with his two best friends he's had for years and years, and his family. There doesn't seem to be a whole lot of people hanging around him - if I felt comfortable saying who this was, no one would believe this guy typically only hangs out with his two best friends or his family all the time.

"Also, do you get the feeling that he hangs out during off-hours with these non-teammate friends more than the guys on the team?"

He definitely doesn't hang out with guys on the team much. Looooong story.

"You mention some "douchebag" behavior in his past... what kind of stuff? Public romantic stupidity with supermodels, or on-field problems, or fistfights with fans, or what?"

Um, well...I can't really go into that without making it obvious who this person is, but 99.9% of it is on-field antics and drama relating to his job. As far as I know, off-field he hasn't done much bad - it's all been related to drama from his job.

"He MAY even have the same reservations about you... "she's SO pretty and smart and cool, and she's far away from me on that campus with all those horny fratboys drooling all over her -- how can I trust her to be faithful when she has so many opportunities?" In this light, is it fair for him to distrust you because of the opportunities you may have? Or should he trust you to have the strength of character to remain faithful once you actually begin a romantic relationship?"

LOL, yeah I guess, but I don't know if I could feel sorry for him - whatever I'd have going on at school would be nothing compared to the few times I've actually been out with him. It was insane, and while I'm not an insanely jealous person, I do wonder how or even if I could handle being out with *my* boyfriend and having girls just walk up and asking him to sign their boobs (which one girl did).

"BUT if it takes you TOO long to decide that you trust him, he may cool off entirely, and you may end up kicking yourself for letting a good guy get away just because he was rich."

It's really not the money that has me worried, it is much more who he is. Recently he has really been in the spotlight and people are following him around a lot anywhere he goes. With their season starting soon and he is probably their most famous player, it makes it even more probable that it will be hard (if not impossible) to just go out like normal people. I'm a pretty self-conscious person so am thinking I would have a real problem with the attention that would come to me just by virtue of the fact I am standing beside him. It's an insane story and a strange situation, but I guess I can't really justify writing someone off just because of what they do. I mean, I wouldn't not date someone because they were a janitor, so I guess it isn't fair to not date someone because they are a professional athlete. I just don't want to be a total fool about this and end up getting hurt.

Er...right?

[gmoney]

34. Reminds me of a former flame of mine...

It was my standard unrequited thing, and she eventually took a job back in the city where she grew up. One day she calls me up and tells me she's dating this really great guy, and they're talking about getting married, but there's one problem: he's a millionaire. I didn't see why that was a problem, but I guess she was concerned there might be a perception that she was after him for his money, or something. (Not that she was poor by any stretch of the imagination.) She got over her misgivings pretty quickly, and they are now happily married, living large, travelling the world, have two beautiful kids, and a great house backing up to a famous golf course.

I guess you should take this as the HUGE compliment that it is (a guy who could pretty much have his pick of women wants YOU) and accept it as graciously as you can. You say you're self-conscious, but this could be a golden opportunity to help overcome that, too.

So, rent "Notting Hill" and watch it, and tell him that you'd like him to not sign boobs, and live it up, baybee!

[gmoney]

48. On second thought...

Forget I said anything.

[friesianrider]

49. Why?

?

[Bunny]

27. Aren't you involved in a LTR with someone?

IIRC, you've discussed marriage with this LTR, and posted about his drama queen pregnant sister, and the rest of his drama queen family. Where does he fit into this picture?

Or have I mixed you up with some other DUer? :shrug:

[friesianrider]

30. Sort of...

We have been seeing each other off and on for about 4 years now. Somehow we just keep ending up back with each other, lol. Ironically, he was the friend who was with me when I met the athlete and is one of the few people who knows what is going on. I'm sort of afraid too of starting somehting with the athlete/getting tied up with him and losing this "normal" guy for good...

[Clintmax]

28. Good morning, Freisian!

It seems we have just added question after question to your already questioning mind. This kind of situation is a tough one to gage and give advice on without doing so. It seems to me that after you wade through all the possibilities and could be's and what if's, the best course of action would be to keep the relationship in a platonic status until you can find out how he is going to deal with all the things discussed above.

He may be very well known, he may have a lot of money and he obviously could have his choice of women out there, but in the end, he is still a person. A guy. If he DOES have feelings for you, it will show itself in many different ways. You'll just have to be ever watchful for the little signs he gives you and how he reacts to all the crazy things that are bound to happen as you two go out. When you decide that you've seen enough to make you comfortable that he isn't just going to hook up with fan after fan in every city he goes to play in, then you can escalate things. It may turn out that he is THE ONE for you. But it could also turn out that he is a playboy and likes to have girlfriends all over the place.

That's the best I can do for ya right now. Let us know how things turn out, OK? And I wish you all the best! Hopefully it will turn into a beautiful relationship and you two can live happily ever after!

:hug:

[friesianrider]

32. LOL, thanks :)

:hug:

I think maybe I'll try and talk to him in person about how I feel and maybe then I can more accurately gauge his reactions. I can't believe that if his intentions are semi-good, that he wouldn't be understanding of my situation and where I'm coming from.

Hopefully it will all work out. At the very least, I hope I can retain him as a friend and score some season tickets, lol ;)

[WeRQ4U]

33. My philosophy: Give it a shot.

There are two outcomes possible:

1. He could be a jerk and break your heart. Well, to be blunt, your heart will heal. You're young. You're bound to have a couple heart breaks anyway. If you discard men based on whether they may or may not be a potential heartbreak, then you've eliminated the entire male population. IT's ALWAYS possible. lol.

2. He could be everything you every wanted in a man. You'd kick yourself for never finding out.

Good luck.

[Shell Beau]

35. I say go for it. Who knows if

anything will come of it or not. But unless you take a risk, you'll never know. Love is worth risk. Getting hurt sucks big time. But you don't want to look back with regret of not knowing. Risky? Sure, but what love isn't.

[abbeyco]

36. Was in your shoes a while back...

It's darn tough to handle all of the groupies and such - if you think you're not a jealous person, think again!

Since you're going to have some distance between you, I'd say just have some fun with it - date or keep in touch and don't stress on a deeper relationship for now. If you're the type that can be the 'fun friend that happens to be a girl' then it may make him more comfortable with you and able to resist all of the groupies.

Don't push for a relationship...it's hard enough to maintain one in the normal world, let alone in his stratosphere.

Hope it works out the way you'd like it to!

[caty]

38. I think you already know what to do.

You've made it clear--

You're afraid of being hurt for "obvious" reasons.+
Girls throw themselves at him.+
He has been known for some very douche bag stunts.+
You wish he was just a normal guy.+
You are concerned about how much trust you could have in him. = Heartbreak

If you can't trust him, you can't respect him. How can you love someone you can't respect?

[bleedingheart]

39. Life is far too short....why not

You seem "iffy" about the other guy.
You are young.
He may be really nice and care for you more than you know...

BUT...use protection if you do sleep with him....

AND keep your eyes open.

I had a friend in college who dated a famous athlete (pro football)...and the guy just swooped her off her feet....bought her gifts...lavished attention on her....BUT he wasn't ready to settle down and was not faithful...

[cally]

40. I'd treat him like any other man you are interested in

Just see him and see if it works out. All relationships can end in heartache whether or not one partner is famous. I would try to not become too involved too quickly though. You are still young to get involved for the long term especially since you have not completely broken up with another man.

[friesianrider]

41. We're not seeing each other anymore...

The guy I've been dating off and on for several years knows all about this situation, but I agree with what you're saying. I think I'll give it a shot, hope for the best but be guarded with my heart as best I can.

Thanks for your advice :)

[Doctor_J]

43. He's probably a Repub, you realize

:-(.

But let's say you're OK with that. If you're dating the most famous athlete on a PA pro team, who's known for douchebag stunts on the field (not the ice), and he just got back in town for the season, and is the most famous player on his team, and is 30,...it must be TO!

How'd I do?

[friesianrider]

45. No comment :)

Yes, football player. That's all I'm gonna say. O8)

[Schema Thing]

44. So honestly, what would you think of a physically unattractive,

hard-working-but-poor guy who had pulled these same "very douchebag stunts"?

(and I realize that being rich and famous and goodlooking likely enabled the man to pull off the douchebaggedness, but you know what I'm asking, eh?)

Also, a gut check for yourself, is that you must take care not be overly impressed by someone being kind and generous (especially a rich person, lol) to you in the time you've known them. Rather, watch for how someone treats the waitstaff, especially when said waitstaff has pissed him off.

Just my tips from a lifetime of school girl like dreaming of famous, beautiful people hanging on my every word. :evilgrin:


ps... then again, it doesn't matter who you choose to give your heart over too, at some point you realize they can break it, so you have to decide whether or not to enjoy the ride and let that day come if and when it will.

[fortyfeetunder]

46. One piece of advice.

Follow your heart, but temper it by listening to your head. It's good you are sorting it out now.

[shockra]

47. Turn him down and see what happens.

Reminds me of a friend who wouldn't sleep with John Cusack after going out with him.

"Don't you know who I AM??!!!"

On second thought, this guy probably wouldn't be nearly as nice as John Cusack.