Has anyone had their parent(s) move in with them?

[seaglass]

Either in the same house or in a mother-in-law apartment?

I'd especially like to hear from people who had a parent move in for reasons other than illness.

I've told my mother in the past that we will build a MIL apt. for her and I keep putting it off. My mom isn't ill but she's still in my childhood home and even little stuff like watering the lawn is getting to be a chore for her. She's also very lonely.

One of the reason I've been putting it off is that I don't want to spend every day with my mom. Can you understand that I love her but don't want to do that? Also I'm concerned about my brothers and their families popping by whenever.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I want our lives to be kept separate to some extent but I don't know if this is possible without being mean or hurtful.

Did you have any ground rules to have separate lives or do I just need to be in a place where I'm willing to spend as much time with my mom as I do with my husband and kids?

[malta blue]

1. My mother moved in with me during her divorce

from my stepfather. I am a single mom with a 900 sq/ft. 2br house. I spent 10 months with my mom sleeping in my bed with me (she doesn't kick as much as my daughter does).

It was very difficult. My daughter learned to manipulate situations to her advantage very quickly. For example, if she asked me if she could have dessert but I felt she had not eaten enough dinner (remember, how can you have any pudding if you can't eat your meat), my mom would chime in, "oh come on, let her have it". This would cause an argument betgween the two of us, and meanwhile the kid was climbing a chair to get the pushpops out of the freezer.

You MUST set ground rules regarding your kids, or they will become masters of manipulation.

Also, I did not have a husband to contend with during this time, having been recently divorced and purchased my little postage stamp of a house (it may not sound small to you, but it was a 75% downsize for me and I am still getting used to it).

Your husband, IMO, needs to be completely open to the prospect of your mom coming to live with you, or it may cause issues between the two of you. Also, as far as your siblings, remember, your house, your rules. Perhaps you can set aside a family time for everyone to congregate whether it be at your house or a sibling's home. That way you do not shoulder all of the emotional and financial burdens. In my family, my aunts rotated a saturday evening dinner with the entire family (17 of us total) every week, so that everyone got to spend some time together, but no one had to do all the cooking/cleaning, etc. each time.

Maybe your mom can go spend one night a week at each siblings house (assuming there aren't 7 of you so she is not living out of a suitcase) to spend quality time with your siblings and their children.

Being an only child, this is all off the top of my head, and I apologize in advance if you are offended by anything I may say about how to deal with sibling relations.

I hope anything I have said is helpful.

[seaglass]

5. Kudos to you for sharing a bed! We would definitely

be looking at a separate apartment so the quarters wouldn't be so close, though we have a small house and a small lot.

I imagine it was difficult to have any private time with just you and your daughter?

Your comments were helpful and I wasn't offended by anything you said.

I guess I'm trying to figure out if I would need to spend time with her every day because she was living in such close proximity. Does it sound mean if I don't want to?

[malta blue]

7. If she is occupying separate living quarters

then I don't see any reason why you should feel obligated to spend time with her everyday, but that being said, the close proximity may do wonders for your kids.

My mom and I are very close to begin with as my parents were divorced when I was 2 and my mom remarried when I was 14, so while I was difficult, I think it was something we were just so used to (although, once I left for college I never came home, so 15 years had passed since we had shared a space).

There was no private time for me and my daughter, but I don't really look at that as a detriment to our developing a strong relationship. I firmly believe in the power of family, and that in your times of joy and happiness, family is what makes it all worthwhile.

I don't know how old your children are, but I know from my own experience, both as a child and as a parent, the relationship you share with your grandmother (especially being a female grandchild) can be one of the most rewarding relationships you will ever have. I am sure many people can relate very special times spent with their grandparents, and since life is the way it is, sometimes they are taken from you too soon. I feel very blessed to have spent 33 years of my life seeing my grandmother at least 4 times a week, if not every single day.

While living in such cramped quarters with my mom was difficult, I know that my daughter treasures those days "when Nanny lived with us", and she will look upon them with great fondness in the future.

[seaglass]

8. My mom and I were always close but we've grown apart in

the last couple of years.

Thanks for your other comments, you've given me some food for thought.

[izzie]

2. Well I live in a Mother-in-law apt. but it is really Aunt in law

and now one of my children is doing the same for his father. Their only problem with me has been the cable they put in for the TV and PC. It was the wrong one so the level of power has always been off. I have not been to fussy about it and am willing to go to wireless and they will save on money if it all works. Rent stays the same as I built the apt. I also help them out with baby sitting before school and after. We just call it even as oil has gone up so and I pay no more for that. Made their property go up in value also and I have a nice apt at a set rent that pays all over head.

[SW FL Dem]

3. My FIL lived with us for 6 years.

We had a big house so he had his own room and bathroom. He had just had a triple bypass and we needed so cash so it worked for a while. He had a job so he was somewhat independent, but he expected me to cook and clean for him. We gave him a great deal but he always complained that we didn't have the kind of food he liked in the house. Boy, was he in for a shock when we sold the house out from under him. His monthly expenses went up by over $400 and that didn't include food.

[Spinzonner]

4. Sometimes you just have to make choices and deal with the consequences

Did your mother get exactly the child she wanted and expected all the time, or did she do her best and accept what she couldn't change (or would have been too emotionally expensive to try) ?

Talk things over with her before-hand and find out what her expectation are also. Your version of the arrangement might not be her ideal situation either.

Have you considered other options such as live-in or part-time help for her ? (And watering the lawn can be done by sprinklers and timers. Whata else, presumably less tractable is an issue ?)

[seaglass]

6. Right, it's just better to make those decisions with your eyes

open.

I'm not trying to choose a different mother - I'm trying to make sure we can all be happy with the arrangement. Clearly I need to talk to my mom about what her expectations are but I want to hear about other people's experiences.

[hatredisnotavalue]

9. Boy am I the person to talk to about this

My mother moved in with us for about three years Went back to her home 150 miles away during the summer. It was absolutely wonderful for her. I believe that if a health professional had been on hand to witness her stay in our house they would have put me on suicide watch.

Along with working full time (marketing and handling the electronic communications for my husband's company, who telecommutes out of the house} and trying to raise two teenagers, I believe I was very close to losing my mind.

My mother would not eat what I prepared, she was a slob and very needy socially. My kids started acting up and I became very distant with my husband. I just had way too much on my plate.

Solution: I put my mother in a senior citizen housing unit which bases their rent on the person's income. They take care of the grounds and there is someone on duty 24 hours a day for burnt out light bulbs, leaky faucets, etc. I went to visit her every day, for half an hour, brought her groceries and did her errands when she needed them. Eventually she needed help with housekeeping, which you can get very cheap through a community counseling and health services organization. We also hooked her up with Lifeline.

My advise, keep them living on their own as long as possible. No matter how benevolent you want to be, bringing them into your family unit is an incredible step and your health as well as the health of the family will suffer. The elderly will become the squeaky wheel demanding all of your attention. I really felt that I was losing my marriage along with my children during the whole time my mother was here. And losing my mind. Hope this helps.

PM me if I can be of any more help. I so truly feel for you. I would not wish the past four years of my life on my worst enemy.

[hatredisnotavalue]

11. Also as an aside.

I truly belive that if my mother really loved me, she would have not put me in the situation I dealt with for the past four years. I believe she was using me, as she did when I was a child. She never babysat my kids and has absolutely no interest in either of them. She has always treated me as her personal maid. Your relationship may be different, but as God is my witness, I would never treat my children the way my mother treated me during the past three years she was here. Sorry for the rant:)

[seaglass]

12. Thanks for sharing your experience.

Right now my mom can cook her own meals and clean and she does have some hobbies but I realize that things can change.

I do want her to be happy and I know she isn't happy right now. I'm trying to figure out how we can help her while having our own life and some level of privacy.

My husband and I know a couple who built an in-law for her parents. They were divorced within a year. That wasn't the direct reason but it was what started the turmoil in their relationship.

I'm sorry to hear about the trouble you went through, although my mom sounds different from yours, growing old really changes people.

[scarlet_owl]

10. My mother-in-law lives with us.

She has her own room and bathroom. She has health problems, so we decided that we should find a house big enough for all of us. I like having her live with us.