What To Do? Parent Cuts You Off From Best Friend Because She's A Lesbian

[displacedyankeedem]

Okay, here's the situation.

My best friend, C, is funny, witty, loyal, and caring. She's always been there for me when I've needed her, and I couldn't possibly have a better friend. She also just happens to be a lesbian (and I mean that with the greatest respect). She ended up moving to Montreal, and I got stuck in the South. Since the former is much better than the latter, I ended up flying up there every six months.

Anyhoo, nine months ago, my Mother decided it would be a brilliant idea to read my diary, and discovered the fact that C was a lesbian. Upon this, she stripped all of the money from my account, comfiscated my passport, yelled at me for three hours on end (insulting her with vile slurs along the way), and expressly forbid me from seeing her (with murky threats of grave punishment). She did this based upon the fact that she was afraid that C would "steer me towards the other team". (Yeah, like that's going to happen-I think I like girls even more than C does).

I've tried to keep our friendship going with phone calls, e-mails, and her occasional visit from her down to her parents. It did work for awhile, but I know our friendship is falling apart and I feel powerless to stop it. Every day I can't see her kills me a little bit more inside and pretty soon there's going to be nothing left.

However, an opportunity has presented itself for me to make a run for the border in a few days. I've found where my passport is hidden (through my cool Dad, who thinks Mom should "get a life", but doesn't want to rock the boat), have a cash source for the ticket (UPDATE: Dad will hand me cash to pay for the ticket), and have a ride to the airport.

So, should I do this knowing that there's definitely going to be a huge set of reprecussions when I get back from my Mom. I feel like its the right thing to do, but still its hard to go behind your parents' back.

[KitchenWitch]

1. As attractive as that option sounds

I would recommend against it...If your mother is as hardline as you have posted, she may charge you with theft for using her CC.

[displacedyankeedem]

4. Good Point

Hadn't thought of that. That throws a wrench in things.

[displacedyankeedem]

12. Breaking the law isn't an option

I guess I'm stuck because I believe in the rule of law too much.

[Yupster]

24. I think it was General Lee, while Superintendent of West Point

who first came up with the military planning axiom that

"If your plan starts with 'first I steal from my mom', then it needs to go back to Secretary Rumsfeldt for reworking."

[speedoo]

2. How old are you?

any advice you are given here pretty much depends on whether you are a minor or not.

[displacedyankeedem]

5. Old Enough to Vote, Young Enough So I can't Drink

[Heidi]

6. If you're between 18 and 21, your mom shouldn't be choosing

your friends.

[enigmatic]

33. Bingo

I'd move out, pronto.

[KitchenWitch]

7. Then you would be charged as an adult

Not a good thing IMHO. Can fuck your future up permanently.

Find a way to fund the trip with your own money.

[Yupster]

34. What trip?

How about some prioritizing?

Your first priority should be o get your degree so you can quickly be on your own.

If a trip to see a friend will put that first goal at risk, then forget the trip. That's an easy call to make.

Phone the friend. She'll understand.

[KitchenWitch]

37. true enough

[WCGreen]

9. Will she kick you out of the house.....

And BTW, yiu can charge her with theft if your passport was confiscated......

[Yupster]

35. Great idea

Maybe while you're in court you can give her your next tuition bill to pay.

[WCGreen]

38. Just saying....

Then she really just needs to suffer under the full brunt of parental oppression, unless of course a student loan could be had.....

[Technowitch]

11. Okay - as I said below-thread then...

...she's got no right to do as she's done, nor to choose your friends.

However, you might be faced with a decision as to where to live.

[speedoo]

22. I suggest you find a local gay support group.

If you are gay yourself, or think you might be, you need to get some help in dealing with the truth of that, particularly with regard to your mother. If you are straight, there are support groups for straights that can be helpful as well.

You can't possibly give us enough information here to allow us to help you with this.

Just my opinion, but I do have some experience with this kind of problem.

[displacedyankeedem]

26. I'm straight

I actually got busted looking at Playboy (but that's another story entirely) :) .

[Heidi]

3. Oh, boy.

You're in a rough spot. How old are you? Even if you live with your parents, there's a point where Mom shouldn't be choosing your friends.

Bad move to charge a ticket on Mom's CC, too. A theft charge is something you don't want on your record, regardless of your age.

Also, if you're under-age, there's also a good chance your mom will report you as a runaway.

[Technowitch]

8. Are you 18 years of age or older?

If so -- and this is just my opinion -- your mother has no right to 'forbid' you from seeing anyone. Nor to take all your money or hide your passport. If you're over 18, you're an adult in the eyes of the law.

Of course, you're right in suggesting there may be repercussions if you run off to Canada behind her back. I would suggest it might be better to deal with the situation, here and now, and decide whether you need to accede to your mother's wishes for the present...or if perhaps it's time to make a tougher call.

Speaking solely for myself, there came a time when I was in my late teens, when I realized that living at home just wasn't a viable option for me anymore...Not if I wanted to retain my sanity.

Good luck.

[Heidi]

10. He's between 18 and 21 according to post upthread.

I believe his mother has committed a crime by confiscating his passport. :shrug:

[Technowitch]

13. I believe you're right - and I was composing my reply...

...even as he was answering. ;)

It's possible he may also have cause for charges in her draining of his bank accounts. Not that I'm suggesting such, but his mother's behavior sure does seeem reprehensible.

[displacedyankeedem]

14. The money drain was done in a clever way though

Tuition for my college is about ~$4,000 a term aside from my spending money. Normally a lump sum of $4000 is placed into my account and then I write the check. What they did is only put $2000 in and made me pay the rest out of my personal cash.

[Technowitch]

28. Gotcha... believe me, you have my sympathy

About all I can say is this issue, while not exactly what I experienced, does resonate for me. How so? In that as I indicated, in my late teens, I was faced with a similar kind of situation -- wherein my father essentially threatened both housing and financial blackmail unless I agreed to and behaved according to every rule he set.

I believe the old line goes, "If you live under my roof, you live by my rules." Well, that was him to a 'T'.

In my case, those rules included a curfew, how late I could sleep (regardless of study schedule), requirement that I hold down a job at the same time, no borrowing the car without prior permission in each and every instance, mandatory attendance at all family gatherings, certain chores I had to perform, etc. And all this while at the same time enduring constant psychological and sometimes physical abuse.

While the rules might sound reasonable, taken as a whole (along with the abuse), it was clear he didn't want me growing up, didn't want me assuming the responsibilities of adulthood -- but I didn't actually accrue the full *rights* of adulthood until I was willing to take all the responsibilities that went along with it. That included paying for my own tuition, getting my parents off my bank accounts (actually required opening new ones), and yes -- moving out.

So, in the summer of my junior year of college, rather than going back home as had been my usual habit, I instead got together with some friends and rented a cheap off-campus apartment. I also managed to get a couple part-time jobs to help make ends meet...and when I got in trouble with tuition (it doubled during my 4 year BS degree), my grandmother helped me out.

As regards your own situation though... I can only echo what others here have said. Don't use your mother's credit card fraudulently. But there may be other solutions, if only you're willing to question every assumption.

If it was me, I'd do a couple things. One, I'd find my passport and take custody of it. Secondly, I'd make sure this problem parent had no other means to hurt me, financially.

And I hadn't done so already, I'd call my friend in Montreal and tell her what's been happening.

best,
-Technowitch

[displacedyankeedem]

30. Its kind of an odd situation

I know I won't get thrown out of the house. Dad wouldn't allow it. But Mother would make both our lives very difficult. He thinks Mom doesn't have to like C but should tolerate her.

I actually didn't realize that it would be credit card fraud when I started thinking about this. I believe in the rule of law.

The friend knows what is going on, and is proud that I'm willing to stand up for her.

[Yupster]

31. That's very different from what the original post said

From that I got the idea that she stole your money. Maybe I read too much into it.

Anyway, it's not that at all.

She really is just giving you less of a handout than you expected to be given.

Maybe I'm seeing this diferent because I'm a parent, but you know a lot of kids go to college by working full time and going part time to school at night for about eight years. Many others rack up $ 50,000 in student loans.

Anyway, here's my advice.

1. Thank your mother for whatever help she gives you while in college.

2. Thank her for letting you live at home rent free.

3. Try not to do things which will sow discord between your parents. Marriage is difficult enough without an ungrateful son working one parent behind the back of the other.

4. Graduate fast and start paying your own way.

[displacedyankeedem]

15. Money issue solved

Dad's decided to give me enough cash so that it will look like I saved up the money. That problem is solved.

[Heidi]

19. The problem isn't solved if your mom still has access

to your bank account. I'd get that changed, if I were you.

[displacedyankeedem]

20. Nope, we're talking about physical cash

Dollar Bills :)

[Heidi]

21. Is the problem between you and your mom

truly a money issue, or is it truly a control issue?

[displacedyankeedem]

23. More of a control issue

[Heidi]

25. How do you feel about being controlled like that?

Is it worth it?

Just askin'.

[displacedyankeedem]

27. Let's put it this way

I love my Mother but I hate her actions.

[Heidi]

29. That's a rational approach.

Any chance your mom can better get to know your friend, C, and come to view her as less of a threat?

[displacedyankeedem]

32. I could try setting up a phone call

between the two of them, provided it was on the speakerphone.

[hickman1937]

16. If "C" is truly your friend all it takes is a letter.

Tell her what is going on, and that you'll be there when you can. I really hate all this family values crap that's been shoved down our throats for the last 10 years, but the truth is that your parents and your children are the only people that can't be replaced.

[NMMNG]

17. If you are over 18 your mom shouldn't be choosing your friends

But stealing money from her is not only illegal (which could put you in jail if she chose to prosecute) but unethical.

You have the right to choose your own friends and visit them if you want, but using your mom's money to do so isn't part of the package if she disapproves. Also, since you are of age your mom does not have the right to confiscate your passport or take your money away (provided you earned it). You may still live with her but she is no longer your legal guardian.

Still, if you continue to live with her you can't flaunt all of her wishes completely. You should come to some sort of agreement with her about what she expects as far as behavior/rent/chores/etc. , and what you can tolerate as an adult. Otherwise it might be time to begin looking for other living arrangements.


Good luck!

[Lorien]

36. Good advice here, along with Heidi's

I'd also consider getting a personal checking account, and if you must continue living with your parents, paying rent (either in cash or as housework/ chores). If mom is really this controlling, it sounds like beginning your life as an independent adult sooner rather than later might be best for all involved.My mother had a policy of throwing us out of the house at age 18; no ifs, ands, or buts. It seemed a tad harsh at the time, but in hindsight I'm glad that I was forced to "spread my wings" early in life. I'm sure you won't regret doing the same if you can manage it.

[Heidi]

18. Is this really about you having a lesbian friend or is it really about

your mother wanting to maintain control of her son by any means necessary?

You can't control your mother's actions, but you _can_ control your reaction to her irrational behavior. If I were you, I'd take the high road by NOT using her CC without authorization, and by becoming financially independent as quickly as possible.

Good luck to you.

[Seabiscuit]

39. As long as you continue to live under your domineering mother's roof

and allow your mother to treat you like a child, you will continue to think like a child.

You're no longer a child and you need to find your own place to live and if that means taking a little longer to finish college because you need to work in order to do it, you'll thank yourself in the future for doing so.

This "trip" was poorly conceived and could permantly destroy an already poor relationship with your mother. For now, just call your friend and tell her the truth about what's been going on in your home.