My co-workers think I am crazy because I don't want children.

[Sannum]

At lunch, we were discussing boyfriends, children, husbands, etc...I let it be known that I did not want children. There are various reasons for this, but I refuse to buy into the idea that it is something that HAS to be done because society thinks so. I admit that I am independent and at times, selfish and very non-maternal. I have never had the desire for children, nor do I feel my choice is in any way wrong. I feel that if I were to have children, it would not be fair to them.

They tried to talk me into saying I was young and naive and if I found the right guy, blah, blah blah, but I knew that this was how I felt since I was very young. Then they tried to talk about me like I was some child-hating she-beast.

Am I alone in this mind-set? I do not care if others make the choice of having children....I have just made the personal choice not to.

[bleedingheart]

1. I say it is none of their business...

if you don't want kids I think that is fine...

now being a middle aged woman...I will say I have seen plenty of people change their minds on the issue...but that is for you to find out...you may not change your mind ...

[Seabiscuit]

63. Unfortunately, she made it their business:

when whe wrote: "I let it be known that I did not want children." That invited commentary.

But I do agree their commentary was completely out of line. It's none of their business to lecture her, try to convert her, or smear her like that.

I admire her decision. It's hers and only hers to make.

[no name no slogan]

2. my ex-wife and I didn't want kids either

And it's completely normal to not want to have children. There are many "childless by choice" couples out there who don't have kids and are perfectly happy together.

However, I have not completely ruled out kids. I would probably adopt, though, before I'd create my own.

[calico1]

3. No. I am 47 now so don't get hassled like

that anymore but when I was younger I used to get that all the time. Some women would actually tell me things like "every woman needs to have a baby" or "no woman is complete without having a child." Ugh. It bordered on harassment sometimes. Hang in there and just nicely but firmly tell people its not any of their business if they hassle you. One good thing about getting older is I don't get that anymore, thank god.

[bleedingheart]

9. my sister in law embarrassed herself about this once

my other sis-in-law (lets call her betty) told the family she had some important news (now she was the one who didn't want kids)...

So sally (the other one) thinks she "changed her mind" and went out and bought some baby clothes...

So when everyone arrives at betty's ...she announces her new job!!!!

And then ...everyone looks at sally and the gift ...and she almost swallowed her tongue...


I wasn't there...but that was my Mother in law's account...

[babylonsister]

4. No, you're being honest.

I'm pushing 50 and don't have any, and you know something? The older I get and after hearing various horror stories, I don't miss them at all. Different strokes...

[Carla in Ca]

62. I pushed 50 two years ago. I agree with you

and I have not regretted my choice to not have kids for one minute.
My husband and I will be celebrating our 25th anniversary next February and we have loved taking in rescued dogs all these years. Right now, we have a 4 year-old Beagle named Jean.

Do what is right for you.

[disgruntled_goat]

5. in my imaginary just country

you and people like you would be treated like fscking heroes.

given that an american child will grow up to have 500-1000 times the wasteful environmental impact as some other kid born in the third world,
I think it's beyond insane to criticize the childless by choice.


you are right. not them. And I salute you for it all.

[tigereye]

87. kids just don't create waste

someday some "kid" here or abroad will create better alternatives to same.

It's fine if you have them, and fine if you don't. But they are people, not abstract concepts.

(mother of one)

[wtmusic]

96. thank you

I'm arming my little brood to fight the fundies/RW nutcases of the future, and hopefully make a better world, not a worse one.

[tigereye]

100. yes, you are welcome

trying to decide if I should post a "kids are pretty cool" thread to offer another perspective.

I really get steamed when they are talked about as if they were only a giant pain in the ass.

[Pithlet]

I don't understand that.

In fact, I think too many people have kids that shouldn't just because they think it's something they're supposed to do. People who say things like that are idiots.

[mzteris]

6. maybe

you'll change your mind and maybe you won't. The important thing is to do what you want and not what's expected. The pitfall is - sometimes - that we in our youth say things that we feel sheepish about changing later - and you shouldn't. If you do change your mind then so what?

No one should have kids who doesn't REALLY WANT them. And by that I mean really know and understand the sacrifice and expense and dedication that it takes to successfully raise kids.

These are not decision to make lightly in our youth. Either way.

[philosophie_en_rose]

7. A lot of people are in denial.

They don't really want or aren't prepared for kids, but would feel guilty if they admitted it. It's great that you're honest enough to do what you really want.

[ofrfxsk]

8. You are not alone

My spouse and I decided years ago that we did not want children. We get the questions from time to time but we tend to just smile, nicely but forcibly add that we love our lives as they are and subtley change the subject.

We have nothing against children either. It's just not right for us. You should not have to explain yourself. If those with kids were interrogated at family dinners about such personal issues the way we child-free peeps were, maybe they'd get it.

[tigereye]

88. we do get it

since we used to hear it ( well, a little) before we had a kid in our mid-30s.

[ScreamingMeemie]

10. I don't think you're crazy. There are lots of people who decide that.

I used to be one of them, and then I changed my mind. I think people basically know what is best for themselves. Betty Rollin (Newscorrespondent in the 70's and author of the wonderful book, "First, You Cry" about breast cancer) has a really good article in this months Good Housekeeping on the decision to remain childless. Sometimes it bothers her later in life, and sometimes not. It is up to each of us to fulfill our dreams. :hi:

[wtmusic]

11. If you had children you would change

I've never met a mother who wasn't maternal. It happens.

I didn't want children, then I had them, and now I don't know what I'd do without them.

[Child_Of_Isis]

21. I've never met a mother who wasn't maternal.

You have now. I have a kid. She is on her way to college next week. I love her but I don't have a maternal bone in my body. Once she introduced me to one of her friends as "the mysterious dark haired lady that lives in my house" ;-)

[mcscajun]

30. I recall a survey that Ann Landers started doing in the 1970s

...asking parents, If you had it do over, would you have children.

She was astonished that out of the 10,000+ responses, 70 percent said "No." Of the 70 percent responding "No", 80 percent were women.

Forty percent of overall respondents were anonymous.

She repeated the survey a few times; the figures were always overwhelmingly in support of "No."

[wtmusic]

41. I don't believe it

Not for a second. I'd like to see you back that up, but you can't.

[REP]

46. Prepare To Eat Crow

If You Had It To Do Over Again—Would You Have Children?
By Ann Landers


It was a simple enough letter. A young couple about to be married wrote to ask for guidance. They were undecided. They just couldn’t make up their minds whether or not to have a family.

“So many of our friends,” the letter said, “seem to resent their children. They envy us our freedom to go and come as we please. Then there’s the matter of money. They say their kids keep them broke. One couple we know had their second child in January. Last week, she had her tubes tied and he had a vasectomy—just to make sure. All this makes me wonder, Ann Landers. Is parenthood worth the trouble? Jim and I are very much in love. Our relationship is beautiful. We don’t want anything to spoil it. All around us we see couples who were so much happier before they were tied down with a family. Will you please ask your readers the question: If you had it to do over again, would you have children?”

I printed that letter and the sky fell in. The word didn’t come from Chicken Little. It came straight from the gut of young parents and old parents, from Anchorage to San Antonio. I heard from Junior Leaguers and welfare mothers. The Boston Brahmins wrote and so did the hill people of Kentucky. I had struck an unprecedented number of raw nerves. The question unleashed an incredible torrent of confessions—“things I could never tell anyone else…”

After five days of reading, counting, and sorting mail, a bleary-eyed staff of eight secretaries announced we had received over 10,000 responses, and—are you ready for this?—70 percent of those who wrote said, “No. If I had it to do over again, I would not have children.”

Twenty years of writing the Ann Landers column has made me positively shockproof. Or so I thought. But I was wrong. The results of that poll left me stunned, disturbed, and just plain flummoxed.

Could it be? Not only could it be, it is. The message came through loud and clear. Wake up and smell the coffee, Annie old girl. Your readers had blown the American Dream. Motherhood, which always rated right up there with apple pie, Old Glory and the U.S. Marines was due for a reassessment.

About 40 percent of those who wrote to say, “No. I would not have children if I had it to do over again,” didn’t sign their names. On the other hand, nearly all the letter that said, “Yes. Our children have brought us great happiness,” bore signatures. A number of those who expressed the latter view asked me to print their letters. Many said, “You can use my name if you want to.”

Approximately 80 percent of the total response came from women. The average letter ran almost a page longer than the usual Landers letter. I was particularly moved by the intensity of feeling.

Dozens who wrote said, “I am weeping as I write this. It’s the first time I have ever put such thoughts about my children down on paper. It’s painful.”

Many readers who expressed shame and guilt signed their names and addresses but asked me not to respond. A Miami woman P.S.’d, “My mother-in-law makes her home with us. Her eyesight for envelopes is very bad, but it’s perfect for what’s inside. If she found out I had written to you, I would never hear the end of it. Please don’t answer in any way, shape or form.”

The “No” mail fell into four major categories.

Category One: Young parents who were deeply concerned about global hunger, overpopulation and the possibility that we might incinerate ourselves with nuclear weapons. A San Francisco father expressed his sentiments candidly: “The world is in lousy shape. We would feel guilty if we brought a child into this mess. Later, if we decide we want a family, we will adopt.”

Category Two: Parents who stated frankly that their children had ruined their marriage. “Our happiest years were the ones before the babies came,” wrote an Atlanta woman. “In those days, we had time for the theater, parties, rides in the country, weekend trips and best of all—each other.” A wife who had signed her letter “Too Late For Tears in Tampa” wrote, “I was a successful, attractive, career woman before I had these kids. Now I’m an exhausted, shrieking, nervous wreck—too tired for sex, conversation or anything else.” A Chicago mother of four enclosed her check-out tape from the supermarket. The total was $61. “This is what we spent on groceries last Thursday,” she wrote. “The price of food is out of sight. My husband was laid off for six weeks last winter and we had to accept help from my folks. It was humiliating. We love our kids but they are so damned expensive. Actually they haven’t given us that much pleasure. We’d have to vote ‘no.’”

Category Three contained the most pathetic letters of all. They came from older parents whose children had grown up and left home. “Manhattan Mom” wrote with more rancor than self-pity. “I get a postcard from the Bahamas at Christmastime. On Mother’s Day, I get an azalea plant. In between, maybe two phone calls. I raised that boy alone. His father died of cancer when he was three. Some thanks I get.”

A 63-year-old president of a large corporation in Cleveland apologized for writing in longhand “But,” he went on, “I’m ashamed to dictate this letter to my secretary.” He described the camping trips, the evening devoted to watching their sons play football. The sacrifices (not money, he emphasized) in terms of time spent with their children. “And now,” he wrote sadly, “they are too busy for us, but they seem to have plenty of time for their in-laws. Thank God we don’t need anything from them, but it hurts not to be included in their lives. My wife and I talk about it to each other but no one else knows how we feel. It’s not the sort of thing you lay on your friends. When your column appeared, my wife read it out loud to me at the dinner table. We both voted ‘no.’”

The most bitter letters of all came from Category Four: parents of teenagers in trouble. “Where are the joys of parenthood?” asked a Washington, D.C., mother. “We haven’t seen them. But we’ve seen a good deal of security guards who’ve caught our daughter shoplifting. We have also seen policemen who picked up our youngest son for selling drugs on the school grounds. We’ve seen some very depressing emergency rooms where the older boys were taken by an ambulance after totaling two cars and one motorcycle. My husband and I keep asking ourselves, ‘What did we do wrong?’ but I’m not sure anything could have saved our kids. The pressures to steal and do drugs are tremendous. Two other couples we know are having the same problems with their kids.”

Parents with traumatic problems that involve police and hospitals are definitely in the minority. What about the majority?

Why are they sorry they had children?

Many, I believe, are disappointed because their children failed to live up to their parents’ secret expectations. Every mother wants her daughter to be beautiful and popular, especially if she wasn’t. When the daughter turns out to be neither, the mother feels let down.

Dad, who didn’t make the high school football team and couldn’t get into Harvard, nurtures the secret hope that his son will succeed where he failed. Nothing is ever said, of course, but the nonverbal communication is at work and Junior gets the message. Getting the message is easy, but doing what Dad wants isn’t. So Dad is disappointed and Junior feels inadequate and rejected.

Too many parents have a grossly unrealistic approach to parenthood. Everybody loves a cute little baby but nobody wants an 11-year-old who socks a teacher, a 14-year-old who steals money from his grandmother’s purse, or a 16-year-old who is hooked on drugs.

The disenchantment often sets in early. When a young couple has to miss “the party of the year” because the sitter didn’t show up, they can’t help resenting the child who kept them home. Add to this, walking the floor with a colicky baby, no more romantic vacations, and a bill from the orthodontist for $3,000. They ask themselves, “Who needed this?”

http://www.overopinionated.com/childfree/ann.htm

[wtmusic]

93. Crow eaten -- or half-eaten

I am surprised. But remember practically all of these kids are going to be pre-Roe v. Wade, i.e. many "unwanted" kids. If the poll were taken today I bet the number would be half of that.

[mcscajun]

79. The column is well-documented*, and I was around to read it the first

time.

The most you can say about the survey is that it's results are skewed through self-selection, the same as the online polls we frequently take and/or cite around here.

But even if the results are skewed, there are still a lot of folks out there who actually wouldn't do it again. And plenty like the folks posting here, who flat out wouldn't do it ever.

Sorry you can't deal with not everyone being like you.

*see the other post with the link.

[Arugula Latte]

106. I personally don't know anybody who has kids who regrets it.

If anything, they can't believe how great it is, and that parenthood far surpassed their expectations.

However, I do believe there are people who do regret it. I just don't know them.

[liontamer]

112. are you sure?

I know plenty of people who hate having children but few will actually admit it. At least not sober. I've only met one person who raised children to adulthood who was convincing when she said she was glad she did it.

[tigereye]

89. it's a lot of work

but kids are really cool. Although I did have one co-worker (he was divorced and had 2 teen daughters at the time), who, on hearing that I was pregnant, said, "why do you want to do that?" :)

[REP]

45. Why Would Someone Who Doesn't Want Children Have Children?

What a gamble to take - that the biologic capacity to reproduce would change one's opinion of motherhood. I doubt you've met every mother in the world; I can show you plenty of new strories about mothers who trned out to be not maternal.

That kind of magical-fairy thinking can lead to tragedy. Please don't try to force a pro-natal agenda on to those who do not want it.

[wtmusic]

94. How could I force it on her?

She's clearly an independent thinker. I'm just saying that all parents have doubts, and for many the doubts are erased when they actually have kids.

I want to say right here and now that having my kids is the best thing that ever happened to me. I had a great career beforehand, I had more than I could want in terms of material success, and it didn't mean shit. It was all about me.

When you have kids it's not all about you anymore. And that opens up a whole world of compassion, of being a teacher, of being taught. Kids are your little ticket toward immortality. And yes, having kids does change people biologically and mentally, some more than others.

When I was in my twenties I thought I would never have kids (my son was born when I was 37). And while it's obviously not right for everyone--many people who feel that way as young adults change as they get older.

[enigmatic]

47. I have

Many of them. Any they aren't any less a great human being than the one who were "maternal".

My wife is the most wonderful woman I know, and she's one of them.

[Heidi]

49. Your friend Heidi is one of them, too.

;)

[enigmatic]

51. And you're the kindest, most wonderful woman

along w/ Mrs. E that I know :hug:

[Heidi]

52. Ah, but my cat is a social experiment.

:rofl:

[enigmatic]

53. Yes!!!

:rofl:

[Heidi]

54. .

In that respect, Ginger's a lot like many children I know. :evilgrin:

[enigmatic]

55. Our kitty's the same way

The way she drops a hairball into my shoes when I don't clean the catbox to her liking:)

[Heidi]

48. I feel the same way about my cat,

who is the good-natured recipient of all my maternal instincts. :shrug:

[expatriot]

68. Oh I have met PLENTY of mothers who are not maternal and

fathers who are not paternal.

I live across from one of those families. The mother is always bitching at the child. It is clear she resents him. She has even said as much. GO to any store and you find mothers who act as if their child is a great burden, a cross they bear. All the stories of neglect, etc.

[Modem Butterfly]

73. What if she doesn't?

You say you've never met a mother who wasn't maternal. But have you ever met someone who would admit such a deeply personal, potentially embarassing and hurtful thing to another person?

Plenty of mothers aren't maternal. My partner's mother psychologically and physically abused him for years, yet most folks thought she was "Mother of the Year". This woman, who once left her nine year old son in a strange city 100 miles away because he wanted to finish playing a pinball game, told me that if I had children, I would change and become maternal.

Yeah, right. It didn't do anything for her.

[Cattledog]

80. Wow

"If you had children you would change"
What an ignorant statement.

[Bouncy Ball]

102. You haven't met my mother.

[wtmusic]

105. It was a blanket statement I shouldn't have made

and now I'm getting my ass kicked for it :scared:

[vixengrl]

12. You're not alone. In the choice or the response from others.

I've been married almost three years and get the "When are you going to start having kids?" question, as if, naturally, that was what came next. Well, it isn't what comes next for me. And when I try to explain my reasons, I get to thinking, damnit, why do you all have kids? What's *your* reason for having them? (I don't end up asking this out loud--they'd look at me like I was from another planet.) And I don't get why I find myself explaining--it seems almost like justifying beer over wine, or sci fi over romance novels--it's a choice. (Although the at minimum 18 year commitment financially and emotionally is kind of more life-changing than picking up Nora Roberts instead of Dan Simmons at the Barnes and Noble, I guess.)

[hippiechick]

13. You are not.

... and I'm the mother of a 14 year old.

In retrospect, I should never have been - I never wanted kids.
It wasn't planned and for some stupid reason in my twenty-something (lack of) logic, I didn't think being a mom would be that 'difficult'.

I love HippieKid dearly and we talk regularly and see each other as often as possible, but thank Goddess her father and his wife wanted her to live with them, because life for both she and I was turning into a nonstop hell-war by the time she was 10.

You're the person who knows you best, don't fall for anyone else's BS or guilt trips or 'parental wisdom'. If you truly feel that you have no inkling to be a parent, don't be one. There's nothing wrong with that at all.

:hug:

[Child_Of_Isis]

14. I never had that "maternal" thing going on either.

I had one. 6 months later I was at the doctor getting my tubes tied. He chastised me, saying I was too young and I might meet a man later on (I was single) that wanted children. (snicker snort). I love my kid, but I am not maternal and hopefully, she'll never drag a grandchild in.

[tigereye]

90. I think most of us are not the "maternal " stereotype

that is a 50s concept, i.e, total self-sacrifice and no concerns for one's owen needs are a recipe for depression and personal disaster.

I do believe that a parent/mom/dad can get some of their own needs met and raise healthy kid(s) at the same time. If you don't take care of yourself, it's hard to be a good parent.

[Shoeempress]

15. Childless by choice and Hubby & I are very happy. It used to piss me

off no end when folks would tell me I'd change my mind. Never did. I'd usually get them to shut up by saying, "Well if I have one and don't love it will you raise it for me?" By the way, I've been married to a wonderful man for over 20 years and we have never even had a discussion about changing our minds and having kids, and we talk about everything.

[mcscajun]

27. "Well if I have one and don't love it will you raise it for me?"

Wow. What a great line.

I'm past needing it, but I will pass it on to those who do. :)

[geebensis]

16. I Have Three Children...

All my life I wanted children. They're everything I always thought they would be.

That said, I am a FIRM believer that people who don't want kids shouldn't have them, and shouldn't be pestered about it. It's nobody else's business.

[leftofthedial]

17. you just haven't met the right republican guy yet

poor thing

:sarcasm:

[Orsino]

18. Yep. Too goddamned many children being born already.

My wife and I don't seem to want them, either. We figure that if we suddenly get the urge to parent, we'll adopt. That's what we've done with all our pets.

[bluestateguy]

19. Your lifestyle choice

Just tell them you are following Dr. Laura's advice of "Don't have them if you won't raise them".

[I Have A Dream]

20. I've never wanted children and neither has my husband.

I'm a great aunt though.

You owe it to yourself and your non-existent children not to have children if you don't want them. Children deserve to be wanted.

Don't let anyone make you feel guilty for your true feelings.

I believe in reincarnation. I feel that this is a lifetime where children aren't part of the equation for me. Maybe in my next life, I'll want them and will have them. They are not part of the lessons that I've chosen for this lifetime.

[ismnotwasm]

22. you are certainly not alone

I have kids, and I fully support your right not to. I had a chemistry professor once, one of the brightest human beings I've ever, ever met. She was childless by choice--pursued her love of chemistry, had a bunch of degree's and what not. I remember talking to her about the special psychological insight into human nature childless folks can gain. It's no one's business but your own.

[mconvente]

23. For those happily married and not desiring kids...

Perhaps this is too intrusive, but how would be able to have a healthy sex life all these years without having an unplanned pregnancy? I think about 50% of pregnancies are unplanned. Are you women on birth control?? Contraceptive use? You don't have to answer if you don't want to, but it's pretty interesting how no conceptions could occur during, say, a 20 year marriage.

But, to the original post's point, I think you're brave to state your opinions. I don't mind at all, just personally I want some children in the future (far future - I'm 18 lol). But, I'll have to be secure in my finances before any of that happens. Unless I'm one of the 50%... :crazy:

[ofrfxsk]

24. We've been married for over a decade and haven't had one

miscarriage or unplanned pregnancy. We are cautious but still have a great sex life since you asked. It can be done.

Why is Sannum brave for stating her opinion?

[REP]

50. I Had a Tubal Ligation and Endometrial Ablation

If I get pregnant, it's the second coming. And I'm still having an abortion.

[lukasahero]

78. First, I was on the pill and then he had a vasectomy. Easy enough.

The hard part was finding a partner who "really" didn't want them either. Met lots of guys who talked the talk but when push came to shove, they'd rather keep their "efficacy" and risk having one (yeah, who's really taking that risk?) than have a vasectomy done.

I wanted a tubal ligation but health issues made my doc question it as an option. In her words, "If he doesn't want kids either, why should you risk your health further? Let him do it."

[Scout]

84. never any kind of pregnancy here

been sexually active for approaching 30 years, currently married for 4 years.

Used birth control pills and condoms, then 3 years ago had a tubal ligation.

Never been pregnant :shrug:

[mcscajun]

25. You're not childless...You're Child-Free!

Rejoice in it.

Not everyone is cut out to be a parent, and acknowledging that is no shame. Being independent and at times, selfish and very non-maternal is nothing to be shamed for, either. You just aren't going to have much in common with your parenting co-workers. No big deal.

Besides, you'll save a fortune in the next 20+ years; raising children isn't cheap at all.

Every day I hear some story from a parent, or see something on TV, or in here, that's makes me Ever So Grateful that I am NOT a parent.

Hugs and strength to you!

:)

[ofrfxsk]

31. Good site

http://www.childfree.net/

[mcscajun]

33. Yup. that's where I got the phrase, quite some years ago.

Glad you posted here -- others need to see it. :)

[distantearlywarning]

26. I don't plan on having kids either.

The hubby got fixed a few years back and we both agree that it was one of the best decisions we ever made.

I am in my 30s and still have not experienced any "ticking clock". In fact, I get more anti-having-children with every year that passes.

If for some odd reason both of us suddenly felt the pressing urge to raise a child, we would probably adopt an orphanage child from overseas or become foster parents or something. There are way too many unwanted children already in the world - my genes aren't that important.

[hobo_baggins]

28. bah, its the other way around, people who want kids are crazy

money sucking, time consuming little shit machines, all of them.

[ofrfxsk]

32. That's not how I see children

I guess you're being "witty".

[hobo_baggins]

107. nah, im being "truthful"

[Merrick]

29. No, thank God

there are more than enough people on this planet already and its only the root cause of oh, just about all our problems.

In the words of the immortal Bill Hicks:
"I'm tired of this back-slapping 'Ain't humanity neat?' bullshit. We're a virus with shoes, okay? That's all we are."

[NV Whino]

34. No, you are not wrong.

It's your choice. (There's that wonderful word--choice.) I, too, chose this route. I never wanted any children... ever. I made an irreversible choice at age 30 and had my tubes tied. I have never regretted it. I was not meant to be a mother. Fortunately I recognized it and accepted it, and did not succumb to peer pressure to marry and produce. Stand firm. You know what's best for you.

[tanyev]

35. I never really wanted kids.

I used to come right out and say it when I was in my early 20s and then, as you know, you get the patronizing lecture about how you'll change your mind, you're just so young, blah, blah, blah. So I never mentioned it again. Now I'm 41 and still don't have any kids.

I guess I still could. I had to have an ovary removed a couple years ago and the doc asked me if I wanted to just take everything out. I was dating the man I'm now married too. We were already pretty serious by that time but hadn't had the kids yes/no talk yet, so I decided to leave the option open. Fortunately, he's not eager to have kids either. I figure if either one of us develops a burning desire to hear the pitter patter of little feet, then we'll look into adoption.

[fudge stripe cookays]

36. You're not crazy.

I'm pushing 40, and reprehensor is nearing 38; married 5 years, and had ourselves fixed several months after our wedding.

I love the fact that I don't have to share him with anyone. We can do whatever we want whenever we want, and totally value our time together.

Sometimes, I think about when we get old, and what we'll do, but I don't worry about it.

My brother is 51, and he and my mom are completely estranged. Just having a kid does not guarantee you'll have someone to take care of you when you get old. My mom has 2 kids that want to be as far away from her as possible.

Rejoice! You're childfree!
FSC

[enigmatic]

37. My wife and I are proudly child-free

Don't have any and don't want any. You're not crazy.

[SCRUBDASHRUB]

38. There is no right or wrong. It's a choice. My hubby and I

have been married seven years and don't have kids. We may or we may not. For us, we didn't get married for procreation; we got married for love and companionship.

[caty]

39. I read a survey several years ago

where older couples who had and did not have children were questioned. It came down to this: Those who had children said they led more meaningful lives. Those who did not have children said they led happier lives.

[GoneOffShore]

40. Children

a perversion of evolution.

[tigereye]

92. how do you think we all got here?

sorry, comments like that make no sense to me.

( I never learn to avoid these threads!) ;)

[Beware the Beast Man]

98. Nice hit and run, Chuck.

:thumbsup:

[REP]

42. You're Not Crazy - They Are

Anyone who thinks they know what you want for yourself better than you do is just nuts.

By the way, I decided when I was 9 that I didn't want children. Two sterilizations and 31 years later, I haven't changed my mind at all. My husband never wanted children, either - so it is a matter of finding the right guy, and I found him 13 years ago!

[Aristus]

43. Bearing children is your duty to the Party and to the Fatherland!

Sieg Heil!

[NoSheep]

44. No. You are not alone. I have heard many women say if they had it to

do all over again they wouldn't. There's a great possibility that these women are threatened by your decision. They must think: "Damn, I was an idiot." Fuck them. There's nothing wrong with you. Some women have the "instinct". Some women grow up in circumstances that make them KNOW that having children would be a bad move for them. Others....well, they may just lack the courage to stand their ground against the pressure. Then there are those who are well suited to parenthood and we LOVE them because they will raise the good little folks to help us in the "good fight". You are not alone. :pals:

[PinkPantherChick]

56. You are absolutely not alone. I made the same decision myself

years ago and I have never regretted it for a minute. I have dogs and cats and am happy as a little clam over my choice. You are brave and so was I. At the time I made my choice, all of my sisters and friends were having children and I just smiled a lot and ignored them. Now they look old, feel old, and come to me telling I was the smart one and they were the crazy ones. I love my freedom!!!!

[applegrove]

57. I always thought I'd have children. But my life was changed and

now I couldn't possibly give them a secure environment to grow up in. So - some dreams die and you have new ones.

Talk to them about the your 'other dreams'.

[hyphenate]

58. A lot of people feel that way

I AM a mom--to 5 (currently!) kids--four legged and furry ones! They are the best children in the world as well--they stay small, they don't talk back, they love you unconditionally and you never have to bail them out of jail. ;)

At 49, there is no chance in hell I would--or could--be a mom, and I never wanted a child, either. When I was younger, I had a far greater affinity for the babies in the animal kingdom and would have had dozens of furkits if I had been able to do it financially and mentally.

I have two nieces and three nephews, and now a grand nephew. They are all great kids, but I'm glad they were someone else's, not mine. I saw them enough as they were growing up--I helped (in some capacity) to raise my oldest niece, and being co-mom for 25% of the time was WAY more than enough.

My furkits get the benefits from that smidgeon of maternal instinct I possess. I worry about them, love them, take care of them and am proud of them. And the world stays clear of what spawn I could have brought into the world and dumped on them. :)

In actuality, there are moments when I think of what I would have done if I had had a child. I think to myself of instances where the thought, "if I were that child's mother...." comes up, and what I would have done differently. And then there are times where the thinking proceeds to if I would have raised a son one way and a daughter another way, and on and on and on. I think the older you get, the more you question your choices, but it's not all regrets, it's often more a pondering of what might have been.

Those of us who came out of fairly dysfunctional families can understand the desire not to inflict that kind of life on a child, and as someone mentioned, there is also the chance of having a pregnancy unplanned, which can make a difference as well. Despite birth control, despite family planning, sometimes it can happen, and some women won't go through an abortion to end it. Everyone (thank goodness it's still legal!) should have that choice, but for a variety of reasons, many might not do it. So they end up having the child anyhow, and sometimes it's good, and sometimes it's not so good.

Regardless, what's important is this: everyone should have the right to make up their OWN mind about it. And if people still give you the holier than thou attitude of why you must have one, it's time to start collecting facts and throw them back at the ones who have made YOUR decision for you. Quote the Ann Landers article. Quote the amount of marriages broken up by children. Quote the number of children whose lives were miserable because their parents really hadn't wanted them in the first place. Quote the number of parents who look back and realize they should have made a different decision. Quote the number of children who have killed their parents. Quote the number of children who have been killed by parents through abuse, neglect, abandonment, and murder. Once you give all that back to them, you won't likely be hearing them ask you why you aren't having children of your own. ;)

[NMMNG]

59. I'm 37 and I don't want children--and I never have wanted children

I knew since I was a teenager that I did not want children ever and I've always stuck to that. My reasons for this decision are various.

Does this make me selfish? Some may say so but I disagree. Who am I harming by not having children? The world is already overpopulated so in some ways I'm doing it a service by remaining childless.

Don't let people pressure you into doing something you don't want to. Just because most people do it doesn't mean you have to. When (and if) you decide the time is right you can have children. Otherwise, leave the breeding to the millions of others who are more than happy to do so.

[enigmatic]

60. I've never undserstood the "selfish" thing

Makes zero sense to me. We're not bringing a child into the world that we don't want; how is that selfish? I've never figured that one out..

[NMMNG]

61. Just people being foolish

Apparently because you aren't devoting your entire being to offspring, and instead are devoting it to a career/childless marriage/education/whatever (i.e., yourself) you are being selfish. :eyes:

[expatriot]

67. I think it is selfish to _have_ children

You are taking away time, energy, resources of yours that could be devoted to political and social activism and creating a blackhole for your devotion. There are so many children out there already that are unolved and uncared for. I don't see why people have to have their own. Become a teacher, instead.

[Technowitch]

64. I have no kids either and never will--

--but I love to spoil other parents' kids rotten. I figure it's a fair tradeoff.

As for the answer, just say something like this: "Having children is a serious responsibility -- and a deeply personal decision. Please respect my choices, just as I respect yours."

[Heidi]

66. Same here, Technowitch.

I'm the best aunt, friend and godmother in the world, but being good at something doesn't obligate me to do it 24/7. ;)

[mcscajun]

109. Now *that's* the best answer of the week.

:)

Well said.

[expatriot]

65. My wife and I both got "fixed" when we got married; I was 25, she was 22

We both got our respective operations because 1)it expressed equality 2) we found a loophole in her insurance that stated it would cover for both the male and female operation and only charge a 20 dollar copay. It did not say "one operation per couple" so we milked the system.

We have never wanted children and now 3 years later are very convinced we made the right decision.


1. Too many children already

2. If we ever did want a child, we will adopt.

3. We are very selfish with our time. When we drive by a baseball field and see all those parents sitting on the aluminum bleachers watching little league on their weekends, we just look at eachother and shake our heads in disbelief.

4. The world is in such want of love and attention and activism, if we had kids we'd feel it was the selfish decision, choosing to create a blackhole for our devotions while our devotions and energies could be spent better elsewhere (not to mention money)

5. We'd be terrible parents because as much as we tried we'd become resentful of them. Resentful of the demands they placed on us, etc.

6. Cat children are like a gagillion times better than human children.

7. We want to be able to travel freely.

8. We'd stress out constantly for 25 years.

[REP]

69. My Tubal Ligation - $0 My Peace of Mind - Priceless!

My insurance charges $5 copay for outpatient procedures, but nothing for hospitalizations, and I had to be held overnight due to some complications (bruised small intestine, no big deal but I did get a week off work!).

[expatriot]

70. As for the peace of mind - at the risk of this being considered a sex post

my wife and i had a pretty shitty sex life before we got married. We were very intimate and romantic and foreplay was great but "the act" was always clunky and full of issues. It is not hard to guess - judging from my earlier post - what those issues were - "reproductive anxiety" - and tons of it. Once we both had our respective surgeries and lowered our chance of fertilization to like 0.000000000000000001% it exploded off the charts and keeps getting better. Okay, I know too much information.

[Robeson]

71. Your're not alone at all. I'm 41 and my wife is 49. We've both been....

...fixed. We would not be together if we both didn't feel the same way about not wanting kids. That was one of the things that attracted us towards each other. As for the selfish thing, don't even think about it. I know a lot of people who HAVE kids for selfish reasons. So that shouldn't be an issue with you.

[graywarrior]

72. Mr. Graywarrior & I are considered freaks in our "family"

No kids, never wanted any. I knew at age 8 that I would not be continuing the line of freaks I was born into.

[China_cat]

74. Hooray for you

People who are not cut out to be parents should not be parents. That's not an indictment, that's kudos for realizing it and not being guilted into thinking that you're wrong and everybody else is somehow right.

But you'll find that even here if you dare to voice the opinion that children don't belong everywhere at all times, you'll get the same accusations of being a child hater.

[jmm]

75. If children are great they should enjoy theirs and leave you alone

I love kids. If the circumstances are ever right I'd love to have some of my own. Nobody should ever be pressured into it. Not wanting to have children doesn't make you selfish. Having kids as status symbols, because of pressure, or simply because you feel you're suppose to is selfish. I can't stand when people say stuff like you're too young...when you find the right person. Funny how you're too young to say you don't want kids but old enough that they think you're suppose to have them. And what exactly is finding the right person gonna do? The right person should understand how you feel and not pressure you into bringing unwanted children in the world.

[pippin]

76. Thank Goodness for Women Like You!

I am not anti-children but am sickened by mindless breeding. I particularly hate the sort of propaganda women are fed that they HAVE to have babies or they're freaks. It's almost like this HAVING to HAVE culture--got to HAVE this or that, a house, a car, dogs etc., that also includes kids. Look what happens to all the poor kids that get born and who poorly raised or not raised at all. It's part of the whole mindless garbage women are fed--part of being a REAL woman what ever that means. So keep on being true to yourself. Being accomplished and making contributions to the betterment of our world is far more important than being able to breed.

Incidentally, if people want kids, adopt. There are hundreds of children who need someone to love and raise them--well.

[imperialismispasse]

77. Well you're definitely not crazy!

Everyone is different and if you don't want kids that's your choice. There are lots of good reasons stated on this thread that someone wouldn't want to have them. Yeah I want kids but you not having kids doesn't impact my ability to have them. Why would your coworkers even care? It's kind of like the abortion thing. If I (well not me, I'm a guy but in theory) didn't like abortion but someone else wanted to have one, what impact does that have on me? None. Same with the gay marriage thing. I really think people should learn to mind their own business and have lives of their own.

[Trigger Hippie]

81. No, you aren't alone.

Add my name to the list. I won't ever have kids. :hi:

[Scout]

82. Child free by choice here

I'm 46, never wanted kids, never had kids.
Husband is 48, same way.
I had a tubal ligation a few years ago to keep it that way.

We met when we were in our late 30s. If I'd have had a child, we'd have never gotten together and vice versa.

We've been married 4 years, together for 8 years.

There is absolutely not one single thing wrong with not wanting children and therefore not having any.

If you have 'em and treat 'em wrong, that's the problem.

[ellie]

83. Hi Sannum!

I am 40 and don't have children nor do I ever or have I ever wanted them. You are not alone! There are plenty of us!

[Brewman_Jax]

85. You are not alone

having grown up in a...rather dysfunctional family, I don't want to pass that down the line. Also, I've seen the work required to do so after having helped clean and raise my youngest (by 8 yrs) brother, been a camp counselor, coach, and teacher. I don't think that I want to do that 24 by 7. Add to that the rotten kids won't be helpful when you need them (mom spent most of summer and fall 2004 in the hospital because of pnemonia, my father and brothers barely visited, wouldn't help, and ALL related tasks and duties fell on my shoulders--but that's another story.) On top of that, I have to pick the right wife and mother who'll be with me so that we'll celebrate our 50th anniversary in a ballroom full of children, grand-children, maybe even great-grand-children, and won't want a divorce and that neither one will leave this life too soon. I have to have a life and job/career to allow this. I was in the Navy for 6 yrs during my young adult years; this job is not conducive to finding/keeping a wife and family. There's also...

That's enough, there's too much more. I understand, and I don't want to be a parent, either.

[bertha katzenengel]

86. You're not alone. I have never, ever wanted children, and I still don't.

I could still adopt but I have no interest in raising a child.

My reasons, if I were to offer them to someone like your co-workers, would be instantly deemed as "selfish."

You're god damned right they're selfish. I only have enough energy to take care of one person - myself. How in hell am I supposed to care well for a child too? A child needs a helluva lot more care than I do -- from where would I get the energy to be the good mother a child needs?

It's bullshit.

Don't let them push you around. Don't let them make you feel small.

[El Fuego]

91. I am the same as you

I have never wanted kids. I am not maternal. I don't particularly like kids.

It's amazing how some people are so condescending to you about your desire not to be a parent. They say knowingly, "Oh you'll change your mind!" Not gonna happen. Everyone I know with kids is in some kind of misery.

[ProfessorGAC]

95. You Are Crazy! But, Not Because Of That!

Hee hee. Sorry i couldn't resist.

No, you're not alone. Lots of people choose against having kids. Some of us wanted them & couldn't. Life is full of choices and full of twists and turns. We all do what we can.
The Professor

[SmokingJacket]

97. Some people don't understand that not everyone is like them.

They believe that since they want children, you must also, but are for some reason stubbornly not acknowledging that fact.

These same kind of people also tend to believe that their religion is the "one true religion."

[Midlodemocrat]

99. I don't think you are crazy. I have three kids, and always

knew I wanted kids, but if I knew I didn't want them, I wouldn't want to have to explain myself to others.

It is no one's business but yours. Stick to your guns.

[Beware the Beast Man]

101. I think you make a clear and reasonable arguement.

Deciding not to have kids is just that- your choice.

[Bouncy Ball]

103. I second what the Beastie Man said.

Tell em where they can stick it.

Hell, other parents even give you shit when you choose to have one. It's like there's some law written somewhere in their minds that says that everyone has to have two kids.

Bullshit. I say it's your life, if you don't want kids, then certainly don't have them.

[Pithlet]

115. Even having two doesn't stop it.

I have two boys, and ever since I had my younger one I get "Are you trying for a girl?" Because I couldn't possibly be happy with two boys. No, I'm happy with two kids. I feel my family is complete, and I don't want any more.

[BigBrother]

104. You are not alone

I have known for a long time that I don't want kids. Most of my family still says that as soon as I meet the right guy I will want to have his children.

Although I did finally convince my mother and my sister that I should never be a parent. I told my sister that if I find a guy, we have kids, and then get divorced I would be stuck with the children because I am female. Well after that she said "yep you shouldn't have children". For my mother I told her that if I have kids and find I don't like them I will just give them to my sister, because she likes kids. That convinced my mother. But as to everyone else in my family they still think that I eventually will have children. Of course they also think that eventually I will believe in God again. That is another thing that will never happen.

[politicat]

108. You're not alone... parenthood is a country I too, do not wish to

emigrate to. I happen to like the citizenship I was born with, and see no reason to change it. I'm sure there are wonderful things about the country of parenthood, but I don't see the point. If it comes up again, ask them how they would feel about moving to Spain or Germany and never being able to come back to the US. It's the same concept - once you make the decision, there's never a chance to go back.

As far as the young and naive and right guy crap goes, why should you change your mind for a guy? It's your life and your body, and the fact is, being a mother hurts most women's lives - mothers earn less than non-mothers (in part because they have taken time off from working), they have a higher risk of divorce and abandonment (the rate of divorce amongst the unwarded is about 35% over ten years; in married people with children, the rate increases to nearly 60% - US 2000 census), a higher risk of poverty, and are often physically damaged by bearing children. The calcium and iron loss alone in each pregnancy is enough to contribute to both anemia and osteoporosis, let's not even talk about the incontinence, prolapsed uteri, and other "dank, womb-like subjects." (To quote Molly Ivins.)

Besides, getting pregnant and bearing a child requires no thought at all. Most people just do it with no forethought until the period doesn't show up. I applaud you for not taking that route and for thinking out your options before you're shoved into it.

And no, your choice is not selfish. It is honest and self-examined. Thinking before making decisions is GOOD. And keep in mind that most people who will pressure you about changing your mind are defensive about their own decision (or lack thereof) to have children. They have to convert you to their side to justify their own lives... we see this in the high-pressure religious, in high-pressure sales tactics, in political discussions... There are others who will see your decision as an insult to themselves. So make sure you always look at the motive that causes someone to yell that you're wrong.

[nini]

110. tell them to get out of your personal choices

Jesus.... good for you to know this and not have kids because some freaking idiots think you should.

[skygazer]

111. I've never understood why others have such a vested interest

in whether or not you procreate. Personally, I always appreciate it when people have enough self-knowledge to realize they don't want children - it's a far better thing than those who bring them into the world for bogus reasons ("I thought it would save my marriage", "my mom wanted grandchildren", "I forgot to use birth control") and then discover they don't want to be parents.

My SO is 44, has never had kids, never wanted any. He likes kids, enjoys other people's but never felt the need or desire to have his own. That's cool and he has no regrets.

Perhaps you WILL change your mind at some point - nothing should be set in stone for anyone - but if you do or don't, it shouldn't matter to anyone but you and your family.

It's not like people are an endangered species...

[GOPisEvil]

113. Who cares what they think? If they're not living your life, then they can

stuff their opinions up their asses, where they will be kept company by those enormous sticks.

:P

[lildreamer316]

114. I was EXACTLY like you.

I now have a kid and I freely admit it was an accident. I love it; but I certainly agree you have every right to feel that way and they should not make you feel like less of a person because of it. I was scared that I was too selfish; but so far so good. Tell them to shove it; you have the freedom to pursue things those of us with children don't (atm). Go for it all!