Getting old, but staying bitter

[hyphenate]

A friend sent me some pictures of an event she went to almost a year ago now. It was a reunion of sorts of a social group I used to be involved in so very long ago--20 years ago, in fact.

I spent 12 years in that particular group. I also ran publicity, the vice presidency, a convention, the club newsletter and many other tasks over the course of that 12 years, and all for free--well, in actuality, I should have been paid for some of the work I did for free.

To make a long story short, there were many reasons I left, but chief among them was the backstabbing and lies that were often spread around, and the endangering of the group from bankruptcy because of unsound judgement on the part of several high ranking members. My opinion and remarks were selectively used to give the impression that it was sour grapes on my part and that I was the one that was wrong.

As it turned out, the disasters I foresaw turned out to be true, and the group folded about 5 years ago from a continuous decline in membership as well as a completely empty treasury. And some members who saw me at other functions over the years pointed out to me belatedly how accurate I had been which was small comfort after the reaming I had received.

The photos brought back a lot of old memories and hurt feelings. However, I noticed one thing: these people were ALL OLD. Besides greying hair, weight gain in almost all, and a complete sense of resignation on many of their faces, they were simply OLD. I looked at myself in the mirror afterward and thought to myself, how can they look SO old, and I did not? Sure, I color my hair, but besides that, I haven't gained any more weight (I've always been a bit heavy) and in fact have lost it. Inside, I feel old, but appearances are deceiving, and I don't look as bad as some of these people did in the pictures. (And every one of us is now in our late 40s or 50s)

We've all had our individual lives to live, and when I left the group so long ago, I washed my hands of the whole mess. I got involved in other areas of interest and became part of a lot of other activities, but my participation in this other group has passed. And looking at these pictures, for right or wrong, it appears I really didn't miss much, ultimately.

I don't feel triumphant, and I do harbor some resentment still, but life goes on for most of us in one way or another, and our faces can reveal much of what has transpired in our lives. At the very leasr, I can feel better that all my trials and tribulations aren't as evident on the face that I show the world.