HAPPY BIRTHDAY Sean Connery! (August 25, 1930)

[Bush_Eats_Beef]

http://snltranscripts.jt.org/98/98pjeopardy.phtml

Celebrity Jeopardy

Alex Trebek.....Will Ferrell
Nicholas Cage.....Jimmy Fallon
Calista Flockhart.....Drew Barrymore
Sean Connery.....Darrell Hammond


Alex Trebek: Welcome back to "Celebrity Jeopardy" It's been an exciting first round. That being said, let's take a look at the scores. Sean Connery has negative 16,500 dollars.

Sean Connery: Damm you and your daily doubles you brigand! One day it'll be my turn, Trebek!

Alex Trebek: Great. Calista Flockhart, with an amazing negative $58,000. Good job.

Calista Flockhart: < quietly like all of her lines > Thank you.

Alex Trebek: And finally, Nicholas Cage is in the lead with $8.

Nicholas Cage: You got lights, you've got cameras - bitchin' technology!

Alex Trebek: I don't know how anyone could get $8, but better luck to all of you in the next round. It's time for Double Jeopardy. Let's take a look at the board. The categories are.. Potent Potables; The Pen is Mightier.. that category is all about quotes from famous authors, so you'll all probably be more comfortable with our next category..; Shiny Objects; continuing with Opposites; Things you Shouldn't Put in Your Mouth; What Time is It?; and, finally, Months That Start With Feb. Mr. Cage you're in the lead, so let's start with you.

Nicholas Cage: Hmm.. what? Where...

Alex Trebek: Okay, Calista Flockhart, why don't you pick a category?

Calista Flockhart: Um no.. pass.

Alex Trebek: You'll pass. Very smart. Mr. Connery, why don't you pick?

Sean Connery: Ah! Well met! I'll take Months That Start With Feb, Trebek.

Alex Trebek: For how much?

Sean Connery: Suprise me, you filthy bastard!

Alex Trebek: Okay, that's completely unnecessary. Months That Start With Feb for $800. This is the only month that starts with Feb. < Sean Connery buzzes in > Mr. Connery?

Sean Connery: Febtober!

Alex Trebek:No. < Calista Flockhart buzzes in > Calista Flockhart.

Calista Flockhart: What is.. Febturday?

Alex Trebek: No.

Sean Connery: She said turd!

Alex Trebek: I hate you! The answer was February. That's the month that starts with Feb. It was last month!

Sean Connery: Aha! A trick question!

Alex Trebek: Yeah, it was a trick question, Mr. Connery. Why don't you pick a category?

Sean Connery: I've got to ask you about the Penis Mightier.

Alex Trebek: What? No. No, no, that is The Pen is Mightier.

Sean Connery: Gussy it up however you want, Trebek. What matters is does it work? Will it really mighty my penis, man?

Alex Trebek: It's not a product, Mr. Connery.

Sean Connery: Because I've ordered devices like that before - wasted a pretty penny, I don't mind telling you. And if The Penis Mightier works, I'll order a dozen.

Alex Trebek: It's not a Penis Mightier, Mr. Connery. There's no such thing!

Nicholas Cage: Wait, wait, wait.. are you selling Penis Mightiers?

Alex Trebek: No! No, I'm not.

Sean Connery: Well, you're sitting on a gold mine, Trebek!

Alex Trebek: Right, right.. say, let's move on to Final Jeopardy, that should be a lot of fun. And the category is: The Federalist Papers. Wait, wait, I'm sorry, that's my bad. That's for regular "Jeopardy", which we'll be taping later today. Your category is: Horsies. All you have to do is tell me "Are Horsies pretty?" < the Final Jeopardy music starts as the celebrities scribble some answers > Yes or no, we'll except either answer. "Are Horsies pretty?". Keep in mind, there's no wrong answer. < music stops, Alex approaches the podiums > Let's see what all of you wrote, starting with you, Mr. Cage, and you wrote.. and you're podium is gone..

Nicholas Cage: I don't know where it went, I'm confused.

Alex Trebek: You lost you podium? I don't see.. you know what - I don't care. Let's move on. Calista Flockhart.

Calista Flockhart: < louder than normal > What? What?

Alex Trebek: Settle down, just relax. You wrote.. nothing. And you wagered.. nothing.

Calista Flockhart: < in a whisper > The pen was too heavy.

Alex Trebek: Fair enough. Mr. Connery?

Sean Connery: We meet again.

Alex Trebek: Let's see your answer.. < screen reads "Buck" > Oh, I'm sorry.. that must be you wager. A Buck. And you answer is.. < screen reads "Futter" > Futter. Buck Futter, I don't get it.

Sean Connery: Ohhhh.. I think you do, Trebek. I tThink you do, indeed!

Alex Trebek: Well, thanks for joining us..

Sean Connery: < yelling > Buck Futter!!

Alex Trebek: Fine, whatever. That's it for "Celebrity Jeopardy".. < shaking head > I don't know..

:toast:

:party:

[edbermac]

1. LOL...I just posted on that with Darrell in the back of my mind.

I'll take The Rapists for $500, Alex...
That's Therapists, not The Rapists...

I'll take Anal Bum Cover for $100, Alex...
That's An Album Cover, not Anal Bum Cover...

:rofl:

[youspeakmylanguage]

2. Suck it, Trebek!

Sean Connery: Uh.. I'll take "Swords" for $400.

Alex Trebek: It's actually not "Swords".. these are words that begin with "S". The answer is: "Popeye is this sort of man". < Reynolds buzzes in > Burt Reynolds.

Burt Reynolds: What is.. Popeye?

Alex Trebek: < sighs > No. < Connery buzzes in > Sean Connery. And, remember, these are words that begin with the letter "S", not "Swords".

Sean Connery: < bangs podium, thinking > Saber!

Alex Trebek: No!

Sean Connery: It began with a bloody "S"!