Headlines from The Onion from the Sept 2001 issue

[Duer 157099]

These were funny at the time, and somehow they are just as relevent and funny today. Remember these? Especially the one about longing to care about stupid bullshit again!

"U.S. Vows To Defeat Whoever It Is We're At War With"

"American Life Turns Into Bad Jerry Bruckheimer Movie"

"Hijackers Surprised To Find Selves In Hell
'We Expected Eternal Paradise For This,' Say Suicide Bombers"

"Not Knowing What Else To Do, Woman Bakes American-Flag Cake"

"God Angrily Clarifies 'Don't Kill' Rule"

"A Shattered Nation Longs To Care About Stupid Bullshit Again"

"Security Beefed Up At Cedar Rapids Public Library"

[Robeson]

1. Thats the great thing about satire. It mirrors the truth....

...there was more than one Roman emperor who tried to downright outlaw satire. I'm sure thats next on bushshits list.

[Tari]

2. Jan. 2001 Bush:'Our Long National Nightmare Of Peace And Prosperity

Is Finally Over'.

This one is so dead-on it's frightening.

http://chak.org/pages/onion/bush_nightmare.html

-snip-

During the 40-minute speech, Bush also promised to bring an end to the severe war drought that plagued the nation under Clinton, assuring citizens that the U.S. will engage in at least on Gulf War-level armed conflict in the next four years.

"You better believe we're going to mix it up with somebody at some point during my administration," said Bush, who plans a 250 percent boost in military spending. "Unlike my predecessor, I am fully committed to putting soldiers in battle situations. Otherwise, what is the point of even having a military?"

...

"We as a people must stand united, banding together to tear this nation in two," Bush said. "Much work lies ahead of us: The gap between the rich and the poor may be wide, but there's much more widening left to do..."

[NewJeffCT]

4. yes, it is scary how close it is to what happened

i have the link saved, too.

[Rhiannon12866]

3. Thank you. I remember many of these.

But my favorite was "God Angrily Clarifies 'Don't Kill' Rule," as you know. That one article spoke to the whole issue in a way that nothing else did. And this is supposed to be a parody site. It's kind of like how Jon Stewart ends up bringing us the real news...:shrug: