Tell me your funniest joke.

[More Than A Feeling]

I can almost guarantee I will laugh, and I could use a few laughs right now. Pretty please?

[Deja Q]

1. Do you prefer the banking industry or the undertaking industry?

I prefer the undertaking industry; it's a real people-oriented job.

[brack]

2. A dumb joke.

A guy goes to his optometrist , the doctor tells him that he needs to stop masturbating. The guy asks the doctor "Why? Are my eyes getting bad?". To which the doctor replies "No, You're pissing off the other people in the waiting room."

[Doctor_J]

3. Try this one

I first heard it a couple years ago.

Mike owns a small company, and with times being how they are, he has to terminate one of his two office employees, Debra and Jack. His problem is that they are both very good workers - there's nothing to choose between the two. He wrestles with the problem briefly and decides on a plan - he'll come in very early the next morning and keep an eye on the water cooler, and whoever goes there first will be the one to go. So he does. Unfortunately for Debra, she stayed out WAY too late the night before, and within a few minutes she's at the ater cooler with a handful of aspirin. Mike decides to stick with his plan, so he walks over and says, "Debra, I have to lay you or Jack off". Debra says, "Well, I guess you better jack off - I feel like shit today".

[HysteryDiagnosis]

4. Man found in bathtub diceased.....

tub full of milk, banana in a highly personal place.... police check it out and conclude it was the work of a cereal killer.

[MASSAFRA]

5. There is a man walking a penguin

down the street.
A police officer sees him and tells him to take the penguin to the zoo.
The next day the same man is walking his penguin down the street.
The same police officer sees him and says, "I thought I told you to take that penguin to the zoo."
The man says, "I did. He enjoyed it so much that today I'm taking him to the movies."

[Doctor_J]

6. Here's another one

Doctor: I am afraid I've got some bad news and some worse news
Patient: Give me the bad news first
Doctor: You've got cancer
Patient: Whoa! That is bad - what's the worse news?
Doctor: You've got Alzheimer's disease
Patient: Well, at least I don't have cancer.

[jpgray]

7. OK

So two guys are sitting at the top of the Empire State building and drinking. The first guy says: "You know, the wind patterns up here are strong enough that if you jump from this exact spot, you will get sucked into the open window at the 76th floor."

"Bullshit," the second guy says.

"Watch!" says the first guy, and leaps off the side of the building. Sure enough, he drops to the 76th floor and glides perfectly through an open window. He asks his companion to give it a shot, but the second guy is still skeptical:

"That could have been a fluke."

"I'll show you again!" says the first guy, and sure enough after jumping over the side again he drops down to the 76th floor and floats gracefully right into an open window.

When he returns, the second guy is a believer, and jumps excitedly over the side. He plummets straight past the 76th floor and smacks into a spectacular smear on the sidewalk below. The night janitor walks by the first guy and remarks: "Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk."

[Splatter Phoenix]

24. XD!

Reminds me of superdickery.com...>___> He really IS a dick.

[ThoughtCriminal]

8. I've told this one here before

A person who has been in a coma since 1986 wakes up in the hospital. The patient asks a doctor: "How is President Reagan doing?"

Doctor: "I'm sorry to tell you, But Ronald Reagan is dead."

Patient: "Oh Shit! That means Bush is President!"

[jpgray]

9. What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhinoceros?

Elephino!

(you have to say that one aloud)

[redwitch]

11. el a pheeno????

LOL. It took me a few, but NOW I get it.

[Salviati]

10. So a family walks into the office of a talent agent, and the father says:

"Have I got an act for you"...

(If you're not offended by really tasteless jokes, I reccomend going to see "The Aristocrats", it's hilarious!)

[NYCGirl]

27. And the agent says, "What do you call that act?"

"The Aristocrats"!

Just thought I'd finish the joke for you...

BTW, here's the OFFICIAL website:

www.thearistocrats.com

[emanymton]

12. This One Will Just Kill Ya....

Two girls are walking down the street.
A third one comes up to them and says, "Ann Coulter, you cheated me." And then punches the first one in the mouth.
The first girl goes down with a broken jaw and missing teeth.
The third person stomps off in total anger.

The second girl helps the knocked down one to her feet.
The first one, who was knocked down, smiles and begins to laugh.

The second girls asks, "Are you crazy? That person just punched you and broke your jaw and knocked out your teeth."

"The joke is on that person. I'm not Ann Coulter."

[warrior1]

14. here's a goody

A string walks into a bar and ask the waiter for a beer.

The waiter says, "I am sorry but we can't serve strings here."

The string goes home, ties himself in a knot, and messes up his hair. He goes back to the bar about an hour later, sits down and says, "Waiter, give me a beer."

The waiter says,"Hey aren't you the string who came in here earlier."

The string replies, "No, I'm a fraid knot."

[Orrin_73]

13. Hmmmm

bull:what is your name
cow:Katrina
bull:my name is Hannibal
cow:why dont you come to this side of the fence
bull:OK
cow:what was you name again
bull:Hani and my balls are hanging on the fence

[Roon]

15. Did you hear about the corduroy pillow cases?

They're making headlines!

[Scout1071]

22. OMG. Why the hell did I click on that to begin with?

What is wrong with me? I know I'll be using it with my niece and nephew.

[Roon]

16. Canned food drive!

Bring all you can!

[asjr]

17. A man decided he would like to have some

kind of a different pet--no cat or dog. He went to the pet store and the clerk talked him into getting a centipede. He took it home, put it into a nice little box. He asked the centipede if he would like to go to church with him today. He got no answer. After a few minutes he asked again. "It is almost church time. Will you go to church with me. No answer. In about 5 more minutes the man asked again in an exasperated voice. "I asked you if you want to go to church with me."
The centipede answered.
I heard you the first time. I'm putting on my shoes.

[DawgHouse]

25. I've heard this before and I don't know why but it

CRACKS ME UP!

[kanrok]

18. DIRTY JOKE ALERT: REALLY HORRIBLE LANGUAGE

Man's in a bar, nursing a beer.
A drunk comes in, taps the guy on the shoulder and says: "Hey, I just got a blow-job from your mother."
The guy at the bar shakes his head, ignores the comment and continues to drink his beer.
The drunk then taps the guy on the shoulder again and says: "Hey...I just fucked your mother"
The guy at the bar ignores the comment and gets back to his beer.
The drunk taps the guy on the shoulder again and says: "Guess what, I just fucked your mother in the ass, how'd you like that?"
The guy at the bar gets fed up and says: "Okay, Dad, time to go home"

[darkstar]

19. Person A: Knock-Knock

Person B: Who's there?

A: Control freak

B: Control fre..

A: OK, at this point, what I'd like to have you do is say back to me "Control freak who?"

[Kire]

23. as a control freak myself I'd like to ask

what's with the Person A Person B?

[darkstar]

31. Well, you know,

they are the, uh, stand ins for, the two people that are, you know, telling the joke...


Wimper.


I didn't mean to make light of control freaks. Honest.

[jmowreader]

20. E-mail me for the Little Red Riding Hood joke

It is truly too foul to put on this board.

[Scout1071]

21. (Foul language ahead) A man walks into a bank.

And he says to the teller "hey bitch, I need to open an account." She asks him not to use such language, but he persists. "I'm looking for someplace to keep my fucking money, are you going to fucking help me or not?"

She is so offended, she gets the manager. The manager says that is totally unacceptable and he will talk to the man. So, the manager approaches and ask "can I help you sir?" To which the man replies "yes, I just won the fucking lottery and I want to get a fucking bank account."

And the manager replies "And this bitch is bothering you?"

[LSK]

28. foul language alert

A little girl is playing in the driveway and some construction workers are working on the house nextdoor.

So as shes playing, she hears a worker say "shit". She runs in the house, "mommy, mommy, what does shit mean?" So her mother doesnt want her to know the real meaning so she explains that shit means food.

The little girl goes outside and later hears the world "asshole". So she runs in again and her mommy tells her the word means "priest".

The little girl goes outside again and some time later a worker says "fucking". The little girl once again goes inside and her mother says it means "getting dressed". Her mother tells her to stay inside now and that she and her father are going to get dressed for the evening.

The doorbell rings after a few minutes and the little girl answers it and its a priest. She tells the priest "Hi asshole, the shits on the table and my mom and dad are upstairs fucking."

[DawgHouse]

26. Snail at the door

A guy hears a knock at his door. He opens the door, but there's nobody there. He closes the door, but again he hears a knock. He opens the door and nobody's there. A few minutes later, again a knock. He opens the door, looks down and sees a snail on the Welcome mat. Now he's mad, so he picks up the snail and hurls it across the street.

Five years go by and there's another knock on the door. The man answer it, and there's the snail. The snail looks up and says, "What the hell was that all about?"

[texas1928]

29. OOOkay

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord, grant me one wish."
Suddenly, the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honour and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy."
And the Lord replied, "So, do you want lights on that bridge?"

[wovenpaint]

30. Here's one I just was told today

A man was out on the golf course and had hit his ball into a patch of buttercups, so he was swinging away at them trying to find it.
"POOF"! Mother Nature appears and says "Those buttercups are my creation and have taken thousands of years to perfect, and you're just wrecking them. I'm going to have to punish you. So, you're never going to be able to have butter again. Not on corn, not on popcorn, toast, no butter ever." The golfer says "gee, I'm so sorry!'" And off he goes to rejoin his partners.

He doesn't see one of them, so he calls out to him. His friend replies "I'm over here, trying to find my ball in this grove of pussy willows". The man shouts back to him, "Whatever you do, don't swing,-DON"T SWING!" :evilgrin:

[stlsaxman]

32. Two guys at a bar talking about how Freudian slips have gotten them

in trouble...

1st Guy: I was at an airline counter getting tickets for a vacation and there was a woman with enormous breasts and what I meant to say was "May I please have two tickets to Pittsburgh" but what came out was "Gimme two pickets to Tittsburg"....

2nd Guy: Damn- that's good! I remember I was at my mother's one Sunday after Mass and when I meant to say "Would you please pass the jelly for my toast" what came out was- "YOU FUCKING BITCH- YOU RUINED MY LIFE!!!!"

[TOhioLiberal]

33. Here's one:

Cat scan

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgery. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, Cuddles has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?

"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.
"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or
something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and
returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.

He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat.

The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill.

"$150!", she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan ......" :)

[PurityOfEssence]

34. Female Patient: Doctor, Doctor, kiss me.

Male Doctor: No, I can't.

Patient: No, please, please Doctor, please kiss me.

Doctor: I'm sorry; I simply can't.

Patient: But why? Why? Please, why?

Doctor: It'd be against my professional ethics. In fact, I shouldn't even be fucking you now.

[henslee]

35. some jokes just have to be told... orally.

[stlsaxman]

36. A little Holy Family humor...

On that day Jesus walked through town and came across a crowd around a prostitute about to be stoned. He sayeth- "People- listen up! Let he who is without sin cast the first stone!" Where then an old woman comes up with a huge boulder and WHAM- the whore is dead. Jesus looks upon the old woman and sayeth- "Y'know mom, sometimes you really piss me off!"

[TrogL]

37. Beaver Lumber

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Footnote:

Ok, this was funnier a few years ago. Beaver Lumber used to be a well-known hardware store. Nobody in Canada could ever say the name with a straight face. I think they were bought out by another company that IMMEDIATELY changed the name.

[Redleg]

38. This family goes in to see a talent agent....

.... yada yada yada....

[NaturalHigh]

39. Okay, this one might offend some people.

A man finds a bottle on the beach, picks it up, and out comes a genie.

"Wow," the man says. "Are you going to give me three wishes?"

The genie pulls out a book and looks up the man. Finding out the man is divorced, he says, "Yes, I will grant you three wishes, but whatever I give you, I will give two of the same to your ex-wife."

"No problem," the man says, and for his first wish asks for a Cadillac. Immediately, a Cadillac appears, and the genie says, "Now remember, your ex-wife got two Cadillacs."

"That's great," the man says, and for his second wish asks for a million dollars. Large stacks of bills totaling one million dollars appears, and the genie says, "I have to remind you that your ex-wife got two million dollars. Are you ready to make your third wish?"

"Absolutely," the man says. "For my third wish, I'd like you to take a baseball bat and beat me half to death."