I am tired of fighting

[Writer]

I have had hurts in my life and I always have fought past them.

Always fighting fighting fighting.

Always exceeding expections and fighting fighting fighting.

I still hurt after all of this. Now I simply want select individuals who have hurt me to pay.

I am now so tired of fighting. I simply want to go to sleep and awaken to a new world where justice takes precedence.

[Crazy Guggenheim]

1. I had the same thing happen to me. Here's what I did ........

I just walked away from the whole thing. I wrote those people out of my life and walked away.

[Writer]

2. Damn it. I did that too. It's not so easy!

Yeah, that's all and good in the beginning. So I could get my life going again. But there's always this loose thread. There's always this unfinished business lingering out there.

[Tallison]

3. I know what you mean

I don't fight, yell, or even argue anymore. But I do still try to understand people's motives and give thoughtful, honest feedback about them. And as long as someone's willing to communicate w/me I try to stay receptive and see it as a chance to educate. If I start getting angry, I back off the dialogue. No sense in fueling the tension.

[auntAgonist]

4. I know ..

But you have to let it go. Somehow, somewhere they will 'pay'. It's more of a burden on you to shoulder all of this. It's hurting you more than it hurts them.

:hug:

[Writer]

5. How do I let it go so easily?

I have been "letting it go..." then moving on.

Then the anger reappears.

Then I "let it go" again. Then move on.

I am tired. I just want fate to deliver them what they deserve.

[auntAgonist]

6. It's not easy at all...

Don't take ownership for when fate will mete out what is to happen. Let IT happen in it's own time. That's what you have to let go of. I think dealing with your hurt and pain is all you can do. Move on, as you have, let go of the 'waiting' and give it over to fate. It IS beyond your control. Be in control of your happiness instead of your longing for retribution.

I don't think I'm making a great deal of sense here :)

but I DO wish you well and hope you can get past this.

:hug:

:yourock:

aA
kesha

[Writer]

7. I have been waiting for seven years.

In spite of many personal successes, the need to feel vindicated still lingers.

How much longer will it take to "move on?"

[auntAgonist]

8. a lifetime..

But, it doesn't have to be the forefront. Make your successes the forefront of your days.
There are many hurts in each of us, it's what we do with them that matters. You've already moved on, but it sounds like something has come to the front and reminded you that you NEED retribution. I wrote letters to those who hurt me and then burned the letters. It did help. I took the ashes of the burned paper to the curb on trash day. Silly maybe , but I 'took the trash out' and tried to let it go .. it went but comes back once in a while .. it doesn't linger long.

[Writer]

10. I'm very sorry, but burning letters? Throwing out old memories?

Does it really clean one's mind of reality?

It reminds me of how children are taught to deal with bullying. Ignore it, etc. All it does is quiet the bullied child and instill a feeling of powerlessness.

Now my memories are not regarding bullying children, but my feeling of powerlessness is palpable.

I want to stand before these small people and feel powerful. And I want them to know who I am - a very powerful woman.

[auntAgonist]

12. I'm sorry I offered MY way of dealing with things.

I did NOT mean to trivialize your feelings. My memories aren't about bullies (kids either) MY hurts are very real.

I have no problem with reality if that's what you're suggesting.

[Writer]

14. I do appreciate your attempt to assuage my grief.

Yet I have been with many counselors who have suggested all of these methods of dealing with my grief. After a while, it feels like jumping through hoops instead of dealing directly with my grief.

[auntAgonist]

17. I wish you well

You will deal with it your way. And it will get better.


aA

[hfojvt]

19. it is the writing, more than the burning that helps

It vindicates you in your own mind, even if it does not do anything to them. Maybe you could try reading Ted Rall's account.

It kinda sounds like you want an opportunity to bully them which sounds more like revenge than justice. Myself, I prefer the feeling of powerlessness to alot of conflict which would probably demonstrate my powerlessness. Power is not a goal of mine anyway, and why do I care what they think?

Maybe I just created my own little corner of the world and try to avoid them in their corner.

[auntAgonist]

22. my point exactly.

I WROTE and WROTE ... THAT was the therapeutic part. I burned them because I saw no need to send them, and then I trashed them. No therapist told me to do it. I did it on my own. I said everything in my letters that I wanted to say face to face but couldn't. I spoke to people living and dead. There were DEEP hurts and pain. Not childhood bullies, hell they didn't even merit mention in my letters.

I ramble :)

I'm glad that YOU understood what I was saying.

aA
kesha

[Writer]

31. I wish I could relate to this.

For me writing, like speaking, feels so futile without any direct confrontation.

It might be revenge... but then again, it would help me simply to see them called on their actions and held to account.

[I Have A Dream]

32. What you're saying makes a great deal of sense...

and is very evolved thinking, in my opinion. We really do more harm to ourselves than to the other person by holding a grudge. When we realize this, it's easier to let the grudge go for our own good.

[bliss_eternal]

25. Sounds like you may need to do something w/that anger...

Examples:

Write angry letters. You can write out all your feelings, and even put it all in an envelope that's adressed to the people. You just don't send it. Maybe you put it away somewhere, or burn it or throw it away. When you start feeling yucky and angry again, you write another letter.

Take a martial arts class, or do a tae bo video--something where you can kick and punch and pretend it's them.

Get a really ugly stuffed animal,or a pillow, or something that can represent the individuals that have wronged you and have at it! Tear it up, beat it up, throw it across the room, etc. You get the picture.

Turn on music that makes you think of the situation. Dance,cry, yell, and/or scream along with the song. (one of my favorite angry anthems is still Alanis Morisette:) ).

Just cry it out, as much or as often as you need to.

A combination of all of the above, or none of the above--do something organic, something that resonates with you to get it out.

I'm not saying this is a quick fix, that you can do any of these things and it will all go away. These are just ways for you to process the anger,anguish and pain. In time, (especially with the letters), you'll feel so much lighter and realize you've gotten rid of so much negativity and anger.

:hug:

sincerely sorry that you are hurting right now...

[RetroLounge]

9. I know where you are at...

I was talking about the "empowerment of surrendering" last night with someone. We where discussing a similar situation I am in, which does not involve anger, but rather fear, and the need to let go.

I cannot seem to let go without clawing back to it.

Maybe stopping fighting it is the key, I don't know.

:hug:

RL

[Tallison]

23. There is empowerment in surrendering

to that over which you have no control. Frees up your attention for more constructive efforts.

Good post. :)

[skygazer]

11. I understand what you're feeling

I too have had a lifetime of struggling, of pulling myself up three rungs only to be knocked back five. But focusing your energy on revenge or seeing others suffer simply takes more out of you and does nothing to them. It essentially gives them an additional power over you - is that what you really want?

You're right - one cannot simply walk away entirely. There are always bits and reminders and loose ends and things you have to deal with that stem from the issues you'd like to get away from. BUT you have to learn to balance that with the process of continuing to move forward and away. You'll never be all the way away but you can take what you've experienced and learn from it or you can internalize it and stagnate. It may seem impossible but it is a choice.

What helped me the most was physically leaving the area where so much of the hurting occurred. By distancing myself physically, I was able to do so somewhat mentally as well. Learning new places, making new friends, seeing new sights served to lift my spirits and not being in a place where reminders of my bad times were constant was a real help. I did this on very little in the way of monetary resources, too (read "none").

I wish you well - it is not a nice thing to feel so much pain and despair. But there is a light at the end of the tunnel - I am living proof of that. Eight years ago, I was in a nuthouse because I had hit bottom, I was suicidal and had no more hope. Today, I am a happy, mentally healthy person. Don't give up. And don't give in. :hug:

[Writer]

13. What I'd very very much like is not only to be successful overall...

but for THEM to SEE my success!

I want them to look at me and feel shame. I want them to know where they stand in comparison to me.

One individual I have in mind serves on community boards and church boards. He truly dons the image of a humble servant of the community and God. Yet inside he is none of those things.

I want him to know that he can serve on 10 boards and erect Noah's Arc, but as far as I, he is a failure of an individual. And that he, too, knows he's a failure.

[skygazer]

15. But that will not do anything to THEM

Because they will never ever recognize ANY of that. Only in your fantasies. What thinking that way does is give them more power over YOU because you are continually focusing on THEM. And it's very easy to lose yourself in that sort of thinking and let it become an obsession. An obsession about something that is never going to happen.

Believe me, I used to want so many bad things for my ex husband who essentially destroyed so much of my life, my relationship with my kids, my financial stability, my health and my sanity. But all that does is give him that much more power over me - I don't want to think about him. Fuck him. I'm not going to waste my time worrying about what happens to him. And that right there is payback - that he means NOTHING to me.

[auntAgonist]

16. you're SO right skygazer

the feelings we harbor only hurt US.
That's what I was TRYING to say earlier.

[Writer]

18. I absolutely agree with you. Thinking about them gives them power.

Yet they don't know that, do they? I mean, I could think about them all day, yet that doesn't impact what I have been doing in the years since their cruelty.

It's just what I want them to SEE. I want them to SEE a woman they FAILED to destroy. I don't need to acknowledge them nor give them any bit of me but the knowledge that THEY failed.

And yes they will think about it. Even if it's only for a brief while they will think about it. They probably won't feel shame, but they will have to acknowledge where I stand.

[bliss_eternal]

26. There is a saying that 'success is the best revenge...'

:hi:

Living well, and success is the best revenge--I think that's how it goes...

[Karenina]

20. That was my "bottom line"

after doing a self-help worksheet devised by Layne and Paul Cutright in their "CURE for the common upset" (You're Never Upset for the Reason You Think). I AM TIRED.

TIRED of fighting when I want us to work as a team.

TIRED of the "Ich AG."

TIRED of mean-spirited ego for its own sake.

TIRED of working so hard on my own bullshit only to encounter so many who seem to have never had to entertain such painful introspection and enduring their "Besserwisserei."

und so weiter und sofort.

Growing up black in white America, it was always impressed upon me that I had to be TWICE as good. And even that was not "good enough."

I COMPLETELY EMPATHIZE with your desire that those who hurt you for no damn reason pay. What I've learned over the years is to DROP IT LIKE A HOT COAL IN YOUR PALM lest it burn you.

I am a woman that SO MANY have set out to destroy (starting with my mother). I'm still here and no longer know why or for what purpose as I'M BLOODY FUCKING TIRED of all the absurd "strife."

[Tallison]

24. "Drop it like a hot coal...

in your palm lest it burn you." Great persepective. I'll remember this. :)

[Writer]

30. Sometimes I imagine myself an expert fencer of verbiage,

impaling them deeply with truth, stabbing through their weak skin and brittle bone until it punctures a vital organ and out springs their lifeblood.

For those who have hurt me, truth produces pain as lethal as having their innards gouged with a serrated blade.

Then I feel better and go about my day.

[Karenina]

34. Whoaaaa..

Remind me not to piss you off!!! :hug:

[Writer]

35. Sorry. If writing is an outlet...

I enjoy exploiting it. ;)

[miss_kitty]

21. Look into Cognitive Behaviour Therapy

It's a way of training your thinking to change your behaviour, your health and your life. That's over simplistic-but I can give you an illustrative example:

Before Roger Bannister, no runner could crack the 4 minute mile. It was considered impossible. Bannister thought that it WAS possible, and took steps to achieve it. Once he ran the mile in under 4 minutes, everyone was does it.

If you change your thoughts, your situation will change.

[bliss_eternal]

27. Great advice!

:hi:

[miss_kitty]

28. Thanks

I'm working on it now. It is very helpful-I've had angry and vengeful feelings in the past like the OP, and I'm not saying I am Buddha or nearing Nirvana or anything but I have calmed down quite a bit, come to realise I'm the one responsible for my own feelings, thoughts and deeds and I am the only one capable of changing them. I don't have the power to change the behaviour or feelings in others; what they choose to do, say, think or feel is their responsibility.

I still have the odd tire slashing fantasy :D-but I am not consumed by shit like that anymore.

[bliss_eternal]

29. I hear you...Ditto to so much of what you wrote...

I realized the same. Though it's nice to be reminded from time to time, by encountering it through others, as I just did through your post.

It's so easy to let it all consume, isn't it. They've all taken enough of my life (and yours, and og poster's).

Why give the bastards more?

:shrug:

[SarahB]

33. All I can suggest is to feel it.

Scream it, cry it, do what you need to do and realize that whatever pain you experienced no longer needs to control you, but can become a part of your life's experiences that you integrate within yourself to become a better person.

I've gone through a lot of pain in my life and I've had to be very strong with little support throughout most of it, but if you were to know me, it's not something you'd likely see because I feel what I feel in whatever present I'm feeling them in. In other words, when I experience pain, I let myself experience it. I don't numb it or bury it, I allow myself to hurt. Therefore, I'm able to fully experience the joy in life in both the daily mundane events and the extra-good things that happen as well.

Although I'm sure whatever I say these days will turn into some trivialized joke around here, but I suppose in my own heart I know I mean well and that counts more.

I hope you find some peace with your situation. :hug: